Love

All these years now.. constantly keeping my feelings buried.

Yet today, with nothing more than a little push from you, it burst forth.

Never did I think I would remain so devoted..
Never did I think after so many attempts to match you with my brothers..

.. did I once think that I am in love with you.

Rare are the times do I wish I can turn it back and redo my choices. I would make you mine and keep you close, unharmed and happy forever.

I doubt you'll ever make an effort to know the real me, as much as I pray and wish that you would. But that's ok, because I know:

I love you. A love that will never be requited.

Losing Heart

April 11, 2014.

The deadline to make a decision.
A decision I once thought easy.
A decision made before.

Goddamnit. Why do I have to go through this again?

Received a magazine from my uni.
Of all the things that caught my eye, an advertisment on skincare products did.
Of all the things that I was reading, a name got stuck in my head.

D-e-n-i-s-e-S-o-o-n-g.

She's a complete stranger, but something about her, something about her eyes made an impact on me. I tracked her via FB, and presto, got a direct hit.

A quick look through her public photos enthralled me. How could anyone appear so flawless?
And a quick run through of the events of the past 3 weeks came and went.

I am not prepared.
I am losing heart.




... Help me.

The pain of losing a dear friend

Haha. To think I'm almost crying because of a guy. Cool, I'm gay now!

----------------------------------------

Dear J***,

It's been 15days since our last chat exchange on whatsapp. Says alot about how much you care huh? Sure, I understand  you're "busy", but it's impossible to send a text my way in like 5 sec. Yup.

I'm writing this because as of this moment, I think I gave up hoping. Hoping that I was wrong about you. So instead of meeting you to clear the air, I'm gonna just do this in the most  KS way I can: Steam messenger.

I have only ONE question whirling in my head the entire time:

"What kinda person am I to you?"

Am I just a +1 count on your FB page? Or am I one of those hounds among your friends lusting after your money? I've always wondered BTW, but then I guess it doesn't matter now?

You're probably thinking this whole shit is business related. Yeah, you're partially right, because that's how I found out how you tell others the way you see me.

"A guy who is willing to lose friends to build an MLM business", huh? I see. Thanks for the compliment. It's  real swell to know that this is the image I portray despite the 3+ years of friendship we had.

To lose a friend, let's see.. I made you:
1) Listen to a couple of CDs.
2) Read a book.
3) Told me "No" and left you alone
4) Didn't even attempt to sell you anything.

And you then go around telling people slander and smear my reputation when firstly, you have no idea what the business is about, and MOST IMPORTANTLY: YOU THINK I'M THAT KINDA PERSON?

Thanks. I'm really flattered. I couldn't give 2 hoots how you put down the business. I couuldn't care if you felt I was an idiot to think about it. You think I didn't catch your hints over in FF14 guildchat? "MLM MLM LOL".

But to think you would put me down in front of friends and others, it's either that's what you really think of me, or a really bad joke. I'll give you a list of our mutual friends that I asked BTW.

Mil****, SQ, Mel, Shok, Marc, DS. 6 total.

Marc & DS said no, left them alone, they never even heard anything "MLM" from me. Ask them.

Mil**** suddenly "threw" my materials back to me and didn't wanna talk about it. I felt it was weird but didn't pursue further. Now I know why.

SQ / Mel are the same as you, went through everything, said no. SQ I showed catalog because she knows about it anyway.

Shok I never bothered anymore. I know to back off. Your bestie right? Now getting chased by the INHUMANE MLM BASTARD.

Maybe you stopped reading before this point, so be it. If you are still reading, read this: all those above didn't matter. Just so you understand how "i lose friends".

HERE'S THE PERSONAL PART.

I've always known I'm that low down friend of yours.
I'm poor. I'm constantly broke.
I seem to be constantly wanting to loan money from you, right?
Thankfully I didn't. ESPECIALLY that I didn't take up that TW trip offer. THANK GOD.
I'd have never heard the end of it.
After all I'm just a money greedy person right?

AND THAT'S WHY IT HURTS LIKE A BITCH TO FIND OUT:

You badmouth me just moment before I was over at your Scape stall scrapping shit out and getting thinner addicted. When I had a date planned that day, I cancelled it for you. I even offered to take Monday urgent leave to help you continue on Monday morning.

All this done by a fucking money-greedy guy, being his back people were calling him "LOL MLM friend loser".

Your screwed-up wooing sessions with Mil****, too. I helped you behind the scene talk to Mil**** (because she told me) and helped you patch friendship relationship back. Multiple times she wanted to leave things awkward. I helped to put things back together.

But it's OK. I'm just the greedy MLM bastard.

Mel. For all the times when she got so pissed at you she wanted to ignore you and leave the clique. The countless times I convinced her that you were clowning around and didn't mean to hurt her and she gave you chances.

Doesn't matter right? MLM bastard pulling relationships.

All the times I put in time and energy for you, your mom, your ex's. AS A FRIEND. I thought I had at least shown what kinda character I was. I forgave you for the whole "don't tell KS fiasco" with HY and vichelle when I barely knew you.

So now I know.

I'm sad, truly. Losing friends is always a nasty thing. But to know I got backstabbed in such a bitch manner by someone I put in so much for.

Wow. Thanks for showing me what friends mean.

Take care and have a good holiday season.
I guess this year is gonna be different now.
Thanks for all the fun before.

-Sincerely,
Your money-greedy MLM friend-loser.

Unappreciated

I believe in karma.
I know what I do, I know what I'm doing, I know what I've done.
I believe in my righteousness.

Doing so much behind the scene work just to solve other people's problems and taking no credit for it.
Ends up, I'm unappreciated and even backstabbed simply because I'm not the kind to be flashy or take credit for the things I do.

Fine. Karma and time will tell.

If you think you have better friends than what I am doing for you, feel free to discard me.
If you think that I'm such a lousy low-life that's barely worth your attention, fine.
If you think saying shit about others and what they do when you have no fucking idea, go ahead.

Karma will turn around and bite you hard in the ass.
Meantime, since you do not wish to acknowledge that I have an issue with you, sure.
Enjoy your time with your "rich" and "fun" and "caring" friends.
When the day comes that you have no one to help you, we'll see.

To think that on the very day I made time to help solve your problems, you say such shit about me and smear my name in others' presence.
To think that I made alterations to my plan just to help you solve your problems.
To think that I was prepared to take time off work at my expense and leave just to ensure that your problems are resolved.

You treat me like a fool.
Fine. You will have your just desserts.

Screw you.

Vent

Hello.

And I'm back.

Why am I always back to this accursed place?

I swear sooner or later this place is gonna grow a soul and consume critters.

I need to vent, again.
I'm breaking down.
So I need a break.
Irony, needing a break when I'm breaking.

When can I get a break?!

... Okay I'm done venting tonight. Too tired to event vent more. haha.