Love

All these years now.. constantly keeping my feelings buried.

Yet today, with nothing more than a little push from you, it burst forth.

Never did I think I would remain so devoted..
Never did I think after so many attempts to match you with my brothers..

.. did I once think that I am in love with you.

Rare are the times do I wish I can turn it back and redo my choices. I would make you mine and keep you close, unharmed and happy forever.

I doubt you'll ever make an effort to know the real me, as much as I pray and wish that you would. But that's ok, because I know:

I love you. A love that will never be requited.

Losing Heart

April 11, 2014.

The deadline to make a decision.
A decision I once thought easy.
A decision made before.

Goddamnit. Why do I have to go through this again?

Received a magazine from my uni.
Of all the things that caught my eye, an advertisment on skincare products did.
Of all the things that I was reading, a name got stuck in my head.

D-e-n-i-s-e-S-o-o-n-g.

She's a complete stranger, but something about her, something about her eyes made an impact on me. I tracked her via FB, and presto, got a direct hit.

A quick look through her public photos enthralled me. How could anyone appear so flawless?
And a quick run through of the events of the past 3 weeks came and went.

I am not prepared.
I am losing heart.




... Help me.

The pain of losing a dear friend

Haha. To think I'm almost crying because of a guy. Cool, I'm gay now!

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Dear J***,

It's been 15days since our last chat exchange on whatsapp. Says alot about how much you care huh? Sure, I understand  you're "busy", but it's impossible to send a text my way in like 5 sec. Yup.

I'm writing this because as of this moment, I think I gave up hoping. Hoping that I was wrong about you. So instead of meeting you to clear the air, I'm gonna just do this in the most  KS way I can: Steam messenger.

I have only ONE question whirling in my head the entire time:

"What kinda person am I to you?"

Am I just a +1 count on your FB page? Or am I one of those hounds among your friends lusting after your money? I've always wondered BTW, but then I guess it doesn't matter now?

You're probably thinking this whole shit is business related. Yeah, you're partially right, because that's how I found out how you tell others the way you see me.

"A guy who is willing to lose friends to build an MLM business", huh? I see. Thanks for the compliment. It's  real swell to know that this is the image I portray despite the 3+ years of friendship we had.

To lose a friend, let's see.. I made you:
1) Listen to a couple of CDs.
2) Read a book.
3) Told me "No" and left you alone
4) Didn't even attempt to sell you anything.

And you then go around telling people slander and smear my reputation when firstly, you have no idea what the business is about, and MOST IMPORTANTLY: YOU THINK I'M THAT KINDA PERSON?

Thanks. I'm really flattered. I couldn't give 2 hoots how you put down the business. I couuldn't care if you felt I was an idiot to think about it. You think I didn't catch your hints over in FF14 guildchat? "MLM MLM LOL".

But to think you would put me down in front of friends and others, it's either that's what you really think of me, or a really bad joke. I'll give you a list of our mutual friends that I asked BTW.

Mil****, SQ, Mel, Shok, Marc, DS. 6 total.

Marc & DS said no, left them alone, they never even heard anything "MLM" from me. Ask them.

Mil**** suddenly "threw" my materials back to me and didn't wanna talk about it. I felt it was weird but didn't pursue further. Now I know why.

SQ / Mel are the same as you, went through everything, said no. SQ I showed catalog because she knows about it anyway.

Shok I never bothered anymore. I know to back off. Your bestie right? Now getting chased by the INHUMANE MLM BASTARD.

Maybe you stopped reading before this point, so be it. If you are still reading, read this: all those above didn't matter. Just so you understand how "i lose friends".

HERE'S THE PERSONAL PART.

I've always known I'm that low down friend of yours.
I'm poor. I'm constantly broke.
I seem to be constantly wanting to loan money from you, right?
Thankfully I didn't. ESPECIALLY that I didn't take up that TW trip offer. THANK GOD.
I'd have never heard the end of it.
After all I'm just a money greedy person right?

AND THAT'S WHY IT HURTS LIKE A BITCH TO FIND OUT:

You badmouth me just moment before I was over at your Scape stall scrapping shit out and getting thinner addicted. When I had a date planned that day, I cancelled it for you. I even offered to take Monday urgent leave to help you continue on Monday morning.

All this done by a fucking money-greedy guy, being his back people were calling him "LOL MLM friend loser".

Your screwed-up wooing sessions with Mil****, too. I helped you behind the scene talk to Mil**** (because she told me) and helped you patch friendship relationship back. Multiple times she wanted to leave things awkward. I helped to put things back together.

But it's OK. I'm just the greedy MLM bastard.

Mel. For all the times when she got so pissed at you she wanted to ignore you and leave the clique. The countless times I convinced her that you were clowning around and didn't mean to hurt her and she gave you chances.

Doesn't matter right? MLM bastard pulling relationships.

All the times I put in time and energy for you, your mom, your ex's. AS A FRIEND. I thought I had at least shown what kinda character I was. I forgave you for the whole "don't tell KS fiasco" with HY and vichelle when I barely knew you.

So now I know.

I'm sad, truly. Losing friends is always a nasty thing. But to know I got backstabbed in such a bitch manner by someone I put in so much for.

Wow. Thanks for showing me what friends mean.

Take care and have a good holiday season.
I guess this year is gonna be different now.
Thanks for all the fun before.

-Sincerely,
Your money-greedy MLM friend-loser.

Unappreciated

I believe in karma.
I know what I do, I know what I'm doing, I know what I've done.
I believe in my righteousness.

Doing so much behind the scene work just to solve other people's problems and taking no credit for it.
Ends up, I'm unappreciated and even backstabbed simply because I'm not the kind to be flashy or take credit for the things I do.

Fine. Karma and time will tell.

If you think you have better friends than what I am doing for you, feel free to discard me.
If you think that I'm such a lousy low-life that's barely worth your attention, fine.
If you think saying shit about others and what they do when you have no fucking idea, go ahead.

Karma will turn around and bite you hard in the ass.
Meantime, since you do not wish to acknowledge that I have an issue with you, sure.
Enjoy your time with your "rich" and "fun" and "caring" friends.
When the day comes that you have no one to help you, we'll see.

To think that on the very day I made time to help solve your problems, you say such shit about me and smear my name in others' presence.
To think that I made alterations to my plan just to help you solve your problems.
To think that I was prepared to take time off work at my expense and leave just to ensure that your problems are resolved.

You treat me like a fool.
Fine. You will have your just desserts.

Screw you.

Vent

Hello.

And I'm back.

Why am I always back to this accursed place?

I swear sooner or later this place is gonna grow a soul and consume critters.

I need to vent, again.
I'm breaking down.
So I need a break.
Irony, needing a break when I'm breaking.

When can I get a break?!

... Okay I'm done venting tonight. Too tired to event vent more. haha.

Over

I'm gonna stop believing now.

Every time I raise my hopes, every time it gets taken down, hard.

I'm done. Perhaps I truly need to wait, years maybe, even. Or should I just stop hoping altogether?

Is that what you want?

You win, dude, you win. Proven your point enough? Do what you must then. You sure love sending me on Merry-Go-Rounds just to tell me repeatedly that wherever I am just does not work.

Thanks. I got it already, so please, do me favour, tomorrow morning, please, get them to send me back replies to seal the deal and I'll just be on my damned way to yet another day.

Drained

I guess that's it.

My rage has drained to the point I no longer vent as frequently now.
If I had to guess.. I probably shortened my lifespan by 5-10years?

Hahaha.. Well that might be a good thing.

Anyways, time to embark on my new journey.
A white blog full of funnies; the contradiction of this one.

I'll be back though, I'm sure.

This will stay as my inner dark self.

Outburst

It happened again.

And each time it happens, the headache that comes after becomes more severe.

I guess a few more times and I'm gonna rip my brain arteries a new hole somewhere.

Better go get my will done in case I keel over for no particular reason.

Ragnarok Online

Ragnarok Online.

The name brings back unbelievable memories. This song. I fell in love with it the moment I heard it play. Hearing it now makes me want to tear up.



Scrolling my cursor down, I saw a Youtube user's comment:













Although I never experienced the same warmth of having met and made friends online, I understood how he felt when I quit RO as well. All the memories, the cheers, laughs, excitement and frustrations.. You can never believe how much this game meant to me.

Games, as well as books, anime, and manga, were the source of my soul's salvation, my escape from reality. Certainly, it made me an "otaku", so what? At least I'm living with a source of comfort, however meagre.

When I learnt of RO2's final release as an OBT (Open Beta Test), I was overjoyed. I kept myself up through the night knowing I needed my sleep for work the next day, but screw that. RO came first.

The login screen. I was filled with trepidation as I went through the motions of logging into a game that I had been waiting forever for. But I was disappointed.

True it is an OBT, but the game was so unpolished and had so many bugs and issues and translation fails that  it totally boggles my mind. How can anyone fail that bad? WTF? Don't you guys have the money to hire people with proper English? I had to admit, the first few hours/levels of gameplay was awesome for me. But it was a totally different game now, one which had lost the flavour that was RO.

I have so much I wish to talk about this but I know I need my sleep. Another day perhaps, I'll continue my story.

Farewell 2012

It's the end of 2012. A year of events, major life milestones, and friendships.
Every time I look back, every year feels shittier than the one before.
Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps I'm just grouching. Perhaps it's all true and I just forget the shit that happens.

Now, I feel at peace. For the longest time ever in my life, peace.
Doesn't mean that my problems are solved or gone. It's just then I've found my inner peace.
Come what may. I think I've decided already. There is no point in struggling when it results in nothing.

I'll just live by the lifehack I've found. I'm gonna refuse to work for what I want from now on.
Fate, it seems, enjoys making a slapstick comedy outta me. Hence I shall let it have its fun.
From now on, I'm gonna enjoy life as it is. No point trying to work for what I want when it gets denied constantly. To add insult to the injury, things which I don't wish for, comes easily to me.

Which makes others jealous, which makes them puzzle why do I continue to grouch despite all that I have.

Well, no one understands me. And I guess this will be the way it shall be till I'm nailed into my wooden bed. Seeing how December 21th was a hoax (not necessarily, but at least the world didn't end immediately), I guess I'm gonna have to start looking forward to a lifetime's worth of shit to endure.

Take care folks. This blog will become quite the hellhole for negativity. I hope there comes a day when I will let this blog lie obsolete while I channel my energy in starting a new one, using my grievances and suffering as inspiration and energy for the works which I've always wanted to begin and complete.

Good-bye 2012. I hope that from the next year on, everything changes.

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To anyone who stumbles across this blog or follows it.. and knows the author, I just wish to say this:

Please take the contents of this blog with a pinch of salt. Or heapfuls of it.

This blog is meant to be the darkest recesses of my soul, to contain the rage and sorrows that would otherwise come to bear on those I love. Already I am failing, without this, I dare not face the people in my life. Please don't take everything at face value and think badly of me. =) If you do, truly, you are a fool.

And once again, please do not assume to think that my posts are direct copies of my experiences. I've coloured them and rewrote them in ways that only I will understand. To assume and think that all I've written here is the truth is to be a fool.

Take care in 2013! =)


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Fragile

I'm back to where I was, a decade ago.

It's ironic. Everything is exactly the same. Boatload of problems, financial difficulties, fucked up friends, heartbroken, and a shitty relation with my dad.

Only difference is probably that I look better and am old now. Haha.

It took me years to recover. Hell, I can't even remember if I ever truly recovered. The events from ten years ago changed me, and made me who I am. Will this round of events serve to do the same?

I don't know.

I'm emotionally fragile right now. I've not felt this way in such a long time. Friendship has made me weak. The slightest prick right now will shatter me, just as it did before, so many years before.

Please. Anything but those days. Willpower kept me going, but I was younger, and I had the energy.

Now? I'm just a drained old man. I have hardly the mental sustenance to keep me going as I once did when u was young. The things that came into my life and held me up are tearing apart under the pressure.

How long more must I endure this? How much more bitterness and inequality must you let me suffer and witness before you will let me go? Until I breathe my last?

Is it not enough that you gave me knowledge and repeated lessons that all that I know is useless? That I'm condemned to live out my life as a useless individual destined never to accomplish anything? So much so that you must continually place stark reminders and temptations in my way to cause me more suffering? Why don't you just simply cut me open and salt me, since I'm nothing but an ulcer to you?

No, you're not God, for you're fucked up. But you sure as hell is a sonofabitch. Thanks.

Temper

I'm so pissed off tonight. Why? I don't understand.

I know I feel frustrated. By what?

To the Moon

To the Moon. Watch the trailer.

 
To the Moon - Trailer - Indie DB


To the Moon is an Indie game developed by Freebird Games, an RPG/adventure game about two doctors traversing backwards through a dying man's memories, in order to fulfill his last wish of going to the moon.

Introduction

Dr. Rosalene and Dr. Watts have rather peculiar jobs: They give people another chance to live, all in their head. But due to the severity of the operation, the new life becomes the last thing the patients remember before drawing their last breath.

This story follows their attempt to fulfill the dream of an elderly man, Johnny. With each step back in time, a new fragment of Johnny's past is revealed. As the two doctors piece together the puzzled events that spanned a life time, they seek to find out just why the frail old man chose his dying wish to be what it is.

And Johnny's last wish is, of course... to go to the moon.



Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_the_Moon_(video_game) :


Story

The premise of "To The Moon" is based around a technology that allows the construction of artificial permanent memories. Sigmund Corp., a company that uses this technology, offers the notion of "wish fulfillment" as a service to people on their death bed. Since these artificial memories are permanent, it sharply conflicts with the patient's real memories soon after the person awakens, which is why it is only done on those without much longer to live.

The story follows Dr. Eva Rosalene and Dr. Neil Watts—employed by Sigmund Corp.—as they fulfill the lifelong dream of the dying Johnny Wyles. Johnny's wish is simple: he wants to go to the moon; however he doesn't know why. To accomplish this task, the doctors must insert themselves into an interactive compilation of his memories and traverse backwards through his life via mementos. With each leap to an important moment in his mind, they learn more about the patient and what brought him to his current position in life. Upon reaching his childhood, the doctors attempt to insert his desire to go to the moon. The intention is that once the desire is implanted, Johnny's mind will create memories of a new life based on that desire, and he'll die believing he lived without any regrets.

But not everything goes as planned. The two doctors find themselves with a heavy mystery concerning Johnny's desire, his past, and his deceased wife, River. With the clock ticking, Dr. Rosalene and Dr. Watts must unravel Johnny's complicated past and do whatever it takes to send him to the moon.

Ending

It is finally revealed that Johnny and River had met as children at a carnival, and promised to "find each other on the rabbit's tummy" (the moon in a constellation they made up while stargazing together) if they ever got separated. Shortly after, Johnny's twin brother Joey is killed in an accident. Johnny's mother gives him beta-blockers to induce memory loss of the tragic event - with the side effect that he forgets River. While he later meets, romances, and marries her; she thinks he doesn't really love her because he forgot their first encounter, and, due to her condition (hinted to be a form of Autism or Aspergers, but never clearly stated) is unable to deal fully with the stress. This eventually leads, indirectly, to her death, and Johnny is left with lingering guilt and an unexplainable desire to go to the moon (the rabbit's tummy).

Rosalene and Watts eventually succeed at implanting a memory sequence that leads to John and River working together at NASA (though not romantically involved). As a comatose real life Johnny begins to die, he imagines going on a moon mission with River. During the stressful launch procedure, River holds out a hand to him. The moon appears in the background through a window on the ship, and he takes her hand as his heart monitor flatlines.

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I don't know why but this game just caught me by surprise and left me watching it in quiet contemplation. A simple game, and in the end, a sad, sad story about the love between a couple.

I don't know why but it resonates strongly within me.

I'm tired. I'll go to bed now.

Soul

What is the value and worth of your soul?

What would you trade it for?

What would make you give it up for?

----------------------------------------

Time flies. Before I knew it, it's October. And my last update was late August, about a month and more.

I didn't even think about my blog anymore. Hence the reason for not updating it until now. Perhaps I've been too busy to think about blogging; perhaps I've had outlets for me to vent, or am just simply too tired to remember to blog.

Certainly, the month of August/September was rather tiring. I was assigned to shift-rotation for that period of time, and had to work 12 hours a day. Including the time spent on travelling, I spent easily 15 hours outside the house, and thus whatever little time I had left, was redundant (eating, sleeping, you know, human needs).

The off days that I got in exchange was spent doing things for others/myself, and the first day of every off period was half-spent on sleeping; there was never enough sleep to get around on those days that required me to go to work. I simply cannot get enough sleep during my workdays as I'm not someone who can go to work, go home and sleep, and wait for off-days to have some "me" time.

Therefore, the only alternative was to cut out time wherever I could, and that meant sleep deprivation.

The months took its toll on my body; I knew I had to cut out my habit and get in more sleep-time, else I would start to breakdown literally, and get sick. Thankfully, my shift-rotation days are over, and today marked the first day I officially stayed back at the office for OT without pay.

Thankless job.

Somethings to be happy about: Mists of Pandaria has been released, and it certainly is one hell of an expansion. The developers really put in their hearts and soul into it. It's beautiful in every way possible: your eyes and ears are overwhelmed by the asian-theme artwork and the re-mix of the orchestra, rock and chinese style music is simply awesome.

Words cannot describe it. One must experience it to understand it.

Other thankful stuff: I've finally gotten my life into some form of routine and schedule, and hence can better plan for my life. The important friends whom I've always wanted to get back into contact with has been done, and now I can be selective on what I wanna do.

Even more so, I'm now financially-free to do whatever I want. Although that term isn't used correctly, at least I get to spend MY money however I want and whenever I want without having to worry about where my next meal is coming from. The added bonus of being able to satisfy my WANTS for once is just icing on the cake.

I finally bought my own piece of Razer hardware for myself. A Naga Hex. Certainly, I'm not a Razer fan, but getting a really good mouse has been something I've always looked forward to.

Simple things in life. =)

I'm greedy, no doubt, just like everyone else. I've got my wish list too!

I want a new laptop, new watches, new clothes, new shoes (I FINALLY threw away 2 pairs of 6-year old shoes.. HAHA! Who wears shoes for 6 years? =X).

I want new gadgets, new phone, new earpieces, a place of my own, my car, or a bike.

I want to be able to get my own kitchen, to cook on my own, to have my own storage, to have a place where I am King.

I want my own room where I can FINALLY fulfill my wish of creating a bookshelf and stocking it with my favorite collection of novels and manga.

I want to create a play-room where its full of nothing but games of all sorts, board games, card games, computer games, console games, you name it.

I wanna go overseas with my friends to see the world, or lacking that, to enjoy the sights, smells, and sounds of beach-side resorts, basking in the sun, cooling waters and hot babes in bikinis all around.

I wanna have my turn at being the alpha male. Enough with loyalty. It is worth NOTHING. My faith died along with my heart and soul after all these years of betrayal and being taken granted for.

I have so many wants. And this is just my first step to getting it done.

My soul has been torn, tattered, and crushed into pieces. If this is the way life wants me to be, why should I be otherwise? Sincerity, passion and love has done nothing for me.

As it wishes to be, so it shall be.

I will have what I want. And nothing shall stop me.

Gaming

I suspect now I know what is it about games that attract me. Certainly, being an avid book reader, I love great stories and would kill to get to read one. Games take that one step further, allowing you to interact with the story characters and events directly, resulting in an immerse story-telling experience.

And yet, if that were to be the case, then my dedication to reading and gaming should be almost equal, shouldn't it? After all, the greatest titles in the world still exist in paper form and not in games, though that is not to say that games are inept in the storytelling arena.

I suspect, that a huge part of games that allures me is the fact that I can put in effort and obtain results that I desire. Achievement, virtual items, satisfaction, you name it. That isn't reflective of real-life, where many a times you're restricted and limited to boundaries and parameters that you can never break free from.

For example? Look at me, while I'm worrying and calculating my monthly income just so I can pay off my debts and also to live a proper life, I'm hearing my friends talking about how their shops and FACTORIES are faring. I mean, what? While the price of the shampoo I use is enough to make me concerned, my friends are now worrying about rental costs and setting up factories.

Like, what? We're all 25-year olds and living in the same country, right? Why such a massive difference?

But then again, I'm someone easily satisfied, hence it doesn't concern me. What makes me tick though, is how I wish for and desire something. Something which I know will likely never be mine. It cannot be bought, it cannot be alternated for, it cannot be obtained, by me anyway.

It is a paradox, for in order to obtain it, I need to get out of my current situation, but once I am out of my situation, will I still be needing it? And furthermore, the purpose of obtaining said objective is only of value here and now. If I can get it in the future, so what? It's meaningless.

It's just like education. My dad said this during a fight: "It's such a waste you're not a lawyer, given your talent and knack to find sources and logic to argue about." Certainly, I understand and I know I'm a wasted talent, being an engineer when I could have been something else, something much more. What am I to do, when I lack the resources and abilities when I was young to be able further that which would empower me?

All my choices in my entire life have been made for the sake of prosperity and for the urgency of the situation. Never have I been allowed to choose that which I wanted from the bottom of my heart, but then again, as I said, did I have the ability to make that choice?

No. Now, I do, in a way, but again, the situation is different. My needs have changed (certainly my wants still remains, that's a good thing though), but Needs always triumph Wants. Hence, the cycle continues.

I wish, if wishes could come true, for me to be granted this one desire at least. I guess I'm alright with life's imbalances and injustice; all I pray for is for me to be able to catch my breath and take a break. I just want this little part of my life to be perfect, just so that I can address everything else.

I truly don't think it is too much to ask for. I just wish.. and will continue to wish for it to come true.

When I look back and think, will I remember what I wished for?

Decision

It's time.

I'm done trying to be happy.

I'm gonna be happy from now on.

Sure, I was happy, then it got taken away from me. Somehow I found it again, and once again, it was taken away from me.

Since I'm in an unhappy state right now, I guess its better to just be happy once more.

Afterall, if it gets taken away again, I'll just become happy once again. =)

An endless cycle, maybe. But it doesn't matter.

I will be reborn.

Come 2013. I will never be the same again.

Listless

I didn't know what to do today.

Everything that I pined for, everything that I was looking forward to, everything I wanted to do.. It all just evaporated into thin air, with me sitting there, right in front of my computer, wanting to do something.

I don't know what I should do anymore. I hardly have time for myself, and when I do, I just wanna do nothing. Perhaps at the end of the day, all I really wanted was time to myself. But then, I just spend it doing nothing. Just sitting there, thinking about stuff, and wasting my time away.

Funny how everything ends up like this. My plans, my ideas, my energy, my hopes and dreams, my future. It's all so full of details and enthusiasm, and yet when the moment arrives for it to actually occur, it all just evaporates, disappearing like a dream after you wake.

I wanted a lot of things, and I never got most of them. The few that I did get, were things I got for myself, or fought for personally.

I too, was given a lot of things. Several taken for granted too, no doubt. I wouldn't say that I didn't receive handouts from people who did nothing but just give, but the problem is: I didn't need those handouts. Sure, I know of people in my life who'd say that people chose what they gave to me because they saw what I needed and gave it to me, instead of letting me have what I wanted cause that wasn't what I needed. (confused? it's intended. =P)

I've said it many times before and I'll say it again. I am a simple person, with simple wishes. Everyone who's heard me say this disagree saying that I'm not. That I'm a complex person with complex wants and desires.

To them I say: No. You don't understand me.

Because sometimes, simplicity in itself, is a complexity.

People have forgotten what it's like to be simple. People have forgotten what simplicity really is. People are used to complexity that it has become the new simplicity, making the original simplicity look complicated.

Don't believe me? Try this: Ask ANY youngsters on how to use a smartphone, and you'll get educated on how to use one really quickly. Now try asking them to teach you to use an old phone, or those INO-phones used by the elderly (those big buttoned, plain black-and-white LCD display screen phones) and see how they end up.

They actually find a smartphone easier to use and teach than an older phone. But the smartphone is a complicated device.

It's just like the calculator and the abacus. Anyone can use a calculator, most don't know how to use an abacus! And what's an abacus? A tray of beads used for counting since thousands of years ago?

I'm sure that years later, when everyone else is more matured, then will they see the point of my arguments. I tire of explaining myself and trying to knock sense into people. It's draining to play the teaching role to everyone, everytime. Until then, stay confused then. I just giving up day after day.

The poison takes its toil, corrupting the soul. 
Faith is lost, little by little, every day.

Remember

Will people still remember me if I disappeared into the void?

Fight

Had a shouting match with my dad last night.

As usual, I lost. The same old dad >>>>> son theory, and that I'm either:

1. Mad
2. Argumentative
3. Stupid
4. Play too much games

The list goes on, I refuse to waste my time adding on to a already retarded list.

I guess enough is enough. As always, nothing pleases him, he never listens and everyone but him is wrong.

Sure, have it your way. I guess Burger King would probably be his favourite restaurant. I care not anymore.

All my life, I've done things I'm proud of but refuse to talk about, simply because, I didn't do it for recognition, I did it out of concern, out of respect and out of goodwill.

If my efforts that I put in to make your life slightly easier while making mine sucks is of so little consequences to you, fine.

So be it. I shall live for myself from now onwards.

You dare to make your big claims that you don't care, you don't expect anything, blah blah blah.

Sure, w'll see.

Convocation

=) It's my convocation day! Graduated with my degree and all, minor in business being fine print and shit. hahahaha.

My big bro said to me this: "What next? You've come to the end now. Are you prepared?" I guess he'll never know what came to my mind when he said that. Certainly, he was referring to careers and the end of my student life, but to me, I was thinking what all this studying meant to me.


I wanted to know why I even bothered working so hard and trying so long. I thought about the years of my education; 18 years in total, if you include kindergarten, 16 if not.


16 long years. Discounting the first 6 years of "Do as you're told", and going onto my Secondary education where I disagreed and didn't find the motivation to study, I've completed a decade worth of pointless education, education I didn't believe in.


I wonder why I did it? Sure, I was interested to learn more, and though self-learning was viable, a formal education would instill in me the discipline to actually study, plus it would be worth something, at least. But to think of the real "why?"... I laughed.


I studied because I wanted to prove to the people that doubted me (particularly my father), by dismissing my grades and branding me "useless" back when I received my GCE 'O' Level results. He probably didn't know I swore to myself I'd put him in his place by securing a place in the local universities, then graduate just so that he would eat his own words.


Strangely, as much as it took me 6 long years (with a 2 years gap of slavery to fulfill to my damned country) to achieve that, I didn't feel satisfied that I did it. I didn't even recollect that I made this oath until I started this blog entry. Haha! I guess seeing the changes in him and the current state of affairs kinda made me look beyond my personal agendas.


So what was it that pushed me to keep going when I wanted to give up so many times? I really don't know. I tried attributing it to my silly wish of proving to everyone in my life that gaming has got nothing to do with academical performance or grades, and yeah, to be honest, it came really close.


But no. I can tell it's not. And I still have no idea why then.


My mom made a statement about me: "Hey boy, you don't make many friends huh? I don't see you running about taking pictures with others like that ways others are."


I made bullshit excuses talking about how I was camera-shy, and that I have yet to start taking pictures and told myself inside that I just didn't want to socialize.


But the truth was: she's right. The glaring example she used about my little sister running around taking pictures with almost everyone during her own graduation ceremony did nothing more than to remind me of the cruel realities of choosing to shut myself up. Sure, I may blame the "mask" effect of everyone faking appearances in universities as a convenient way of justifying myself, but I know it isn't true.


In fact, had I wanted to, I could. I knew maybe half the people that were there, but somehow, I just didn't feel like it.


The whole ceremony felt so empty. I felt that everything was pointless. I knew that others than the picture taking I had with my close uni-friends and my family, I would be doing nothing but faking smiles because I simply wasn't happy at all.


It just feels so empty, so pointless, such a waste of time.


I'm seeing people posting about how important today was to them, how today was their most proud moment (I gotta be snide and elitist here, but I gotta laugh. HAHAHA! Earning a degree is your proudest moment?! You certainly have a long way to go in achievements, my dear.)


And yet I beg to differ.


Perhaps its my non-existant commitment or fear of education that has isolated me from feeling any positive feelings towards having it end. Sure, I put in effort during my universities days (else I'd fail!), but then again, they weren't exactly effort that I'd want people to know about. I know my nonchalant attitude towards studying has earned me haters on more than an occasion, and hence I'd just keep mum about how easy it is to not study and still score OK.

I don't really see the reason for making this post today. But well, I guess I just wanted to talk about it. I have no one I can talk to anyway, no one I can pour my sorrows to and just simply talk without fear of repercussions or hurt feelings or the danger of betrayal, so this is probably gonna be my treasure vault of rants and secrets.

How much more until my dreams can come true? Or it is an impossible dream that I'm just foolishly pursuing?

On a brighter note; I took a very special photo with a special person today. =) Thanks. You have no idea the turmoil of emotions you left spinning in my head, but I welcome it. I missed you, silly. To make me wanna laugh and cry at the same time, I guess you're the only one.. haha! =)