Forced

What am I to think when one can say: "I do this willingly, of my own free will", when it has been done before, however forced to?

Should I feel honored that it was repeated for me willingly?

Or should I feel nothing from it, as it was just simply, done before?

I mean, it isn't that hard to repeat something you've done before, albeit on different terms, isn't it?

Hence, should I place value in such actions?

Or should I be glad that, others are willing to go the extra mile for me?

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On the other hand, when one says: "I know I wanna do this, but it will have to wait until the right time", what am I supposed to feel then?

Should I again, feel honored that I was placed into consideration for said action?

Or am I correct in saying that "Actions speak louder than words"?

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Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Why must everything be like this? Have I not given enough, not proven enough, not committed enough?

One has given everything away, claiming that most of her choices were made reluctantly. Now she is desperate, doing anything and everything in fears of losing it all.

The other has kept everything, claiming that she wants it to be perfect. She too, is desperate, wanting it all back, hating and wondering why she made her choices so.

Life likes to screw with us, indeed.

Now that I have gotten what I wanted, it feels so empty, so bitter, so ironic.

Something so simple, so precious, yet so sensitive.

I am not satisfied. Am I being greedy? Am I wrong in wanting things to work out the way I want them to be? Am I wrong in wanting everything to go my way for once, in wanting to see my efforts and hard work pay off?

Knowledge is power, but there is a painful price to pay, for knowing too much.

Naivette

To blindly trust and devote everything when its not even a year.

Yes, history has repeated itself, on a smaller scale, but hey, seriously, less than a year?

Why is it never me? Does Fate truly feel that I don't deserve? Or must I wait longer?

Yet all these has happened EXACTLY because I waited. WTF?

What do you want me to do???

Words

How does one tell another, with words that cannot be communicated?

I am a beast.

I don't deserve.

But yet attempt I shall.

For that is the least I can do for you.

Faith

Faith. The act of believing. Of absolute trust and confidence.

I've come to realize.. that I don't have it. I don't believe. I don't trust. And there is nothing I am confident in. I tried picturing myself in a wedding ceremony (probably due to having received a wedding invitation today), and I came to realize that I can't. I cannot see myself walking down the aisle, simply because.. I don't know who I will be walking with.

That caused me to think about it: Why? How is it that I can fall in love with someone for more than 4 years and yet not have faith? How is it that I can fall for another person and yet still have not faith?

Perhaps what I'll say next will sound really irresponsible, perhaps they're just me making up excuses.

But what I've analyzed and understood is that my viewpoint about love and faith was probably made up by my parents' interaction with each other, which has caused me to understand how it works; becoming my subconscious standard.

They've never displayed affection and love for each other before. The rare few times they did felt abnormal, almost like it was for the rare occasion.

My siblings.. never showed me anything related to faith in their relationships before.. my brothers changed girlfriends like free, one got divorced, the other doesn't seem to give a shit. My younger sister changed boyfriends over and over (because of poor judgement, imho) while my elder sister had unique viewpoints about relationships.

None of them showed me the value of Faith. And hence that's the probable reason why I've never learnt, cause nobody seems to give a damn.

Belong

No place to call my own.

Wanting to sleep.. but unable to.

Wanting a place to hide.. but nowhere to.

Wanting a place to rest.. but there is none.

Wanting a peace of mind.. but it doesn't exist.

Wanting some privacy.. hahaha. Try living in the living room.

Wanting.. wanting.. wanting.

Nevermine.

I give up as I always have given up. Resigned to fate.

It's so tempting to end it all.

Is wanting a person to understand me so difficult and impossible to ask for?