End of the Junction

Title says it all.

I can feel it coming. This year's CNY will probably have some interesting turn of events that will live in my heart for the rest of my life.

The time draws closer, where the junction ends and the roads split off into its respective routes, never again to meet nor to form a junction again.

The decision must be made now.

Still

Time flies.

It's been about 4 weeks since exams has ended but I've yet to take a breath of fresh air. And chill.

It's Friday. Once the weekends are over, my attachment commences. No more chances to rest then, either. Plus the fact that I'm supposed to clean up for CNY, of which I've done nothing whatsoever.

Goodness gracious. And as I ponder over the time spent I realize that I have quite alot of commitments unfulfilled. It's crazy.

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All I can say is that, I'm really fortunate. I really am. To have two persons wholeheartedly commit themselves, all the while waiting for an answer and preparing themselves for the worse.. I don't know what to say. They're both willing to accept the pain and move on, if they deem that I would be happy with my choice.

Thankful as I may be, what did I ever do to deserve such true feelings?

Learning more about her past made me realize how much protection she needed. While it certainly differs from HY's on a whole different level, the magnitude is the same. The weight of their burdens and problems are so massive that it made me go "wow". I never imagined that I would be challenged in carrying the burden of others, especially when I have learnt to carry them since young.

Perhaps this is a challenge issued to me by whatever omni-potent power there is out there.

Perhaps there is no right answer to my questions. Much as I feel it is unfair.. what is there that I can do about it? Disappointment comes from knowing that it was given to someone else, and that it will be given to someone else.

Never me.

Perhaps this is my retribution for causing so much hurt, pain and suffering.

Perhaps this is simply my fate, my life.

The life of a loser, a good guy, who always finishes last.

Dawn

First post of the new year. Not a very happy one too.

1st January 2011, 01.01.2011, or 1.1.11. What a day to remember.

I've embarked on a journey.. to the unknown. And yet, as I hoped that my decision was right.. Things happened.

Her words returned to haunt me. Our chats simply helped to reveal more doubt and shed light on areas that I've turned a blind eye to. And slowly, one by one, her predictions are coming true.

Her sixth sense has always been uncanny, and this time, she was so spot on that I got spooked. No more than a couple of days after the journey began, things happened.

More details came in, with more of the past revealed. It certainly did strike me at the moment that, she had dared to do so because she was certain she had me, that with our status and the fact that she knew I was able to take it, that she would be safe in letting more of her secret be known.

However, the doubt persisted after that. She could say that there are no more secrets, no more unknowns.. However, however, however. That's not the signal I'm getting anymore.

I'll admit it. I'm confused. In fact, I've been confused for a long time coming now.

I'm trying to believe that she is being truthful and is looking forward to a new life.

I'm trying to believe that I'm important enough to her that she would risk everything just to be with me.

I'm trying to believe that she is worth everything I have given up for.

But her actions are making it hard for me to convince myself that my decision and beliefs are right.

Time is running out.. And I fear that the doors will close on me before I have sufficient time to pull out.

Show me the answers I seek.

Wavering

I wanna scream.

I just wanna scream my head off and let out this built-up tension buried deep within my chest.

I hate myself for being so right about all the wrong stuff.. I really do. What I would give to have my predictions turn out wrong.. But they never do.

I promised to give an answer before 2011 hits.

Right now, it's the 30th of December, 2010, 4.00 AM.

And I know she's noticed this and has been dropping me hints this evening. I don't know if I should ask or not. When I made my promise to her, it was before my exams, and before the confession. (Darkness post) I was pretty sure of my choice back then, but all that changed after she told me what she had done.

Yes, it is history.

Yes, it is over.

Yes, it cannot be undone.

But I would be lying to myself if I said it didn't matter, or that it didn't affect me. The fact that I talked about this many times with her, and that I think about it often, is enough to tell me that I care.

And that the topic hurts like a bitch everytime I get reminded.

Yes, it doesn't matter to someone who has done the same.

Yes, it doesn't matter to someone who has more "experience".

But as HY said, I'm someone who's been clean and clear with my life. This isn't something I can take so easily.

My head is spinning with choices.. and the hurt it would cause when I make them.

Less than 48 hours left to the new year.. And here I am still wavering in my stand.

I need answers, and I need them fast. I need to be sure.

Today and tomorrow will decide everything.

Apprehension

It has been more than a month since the "Shattering" occurred.

And today is the day I will be finalizing everything and let the dust settle once and for all.

Yet.. A nagging corner of my mind is telling me not to let go, to go back and try again. It hates the insecurity its currently experiencing, and wants to go back to the worry-free and stable days of the past, where everything was guaranteed to be new.

Yet.. It is also impossible, for the amount of hurt generated by such a move would probably be great enough to make her go over the edge, likely resulting in unpleasant consequences.

Hence the reason for my apprehension. I do not know what HY will say when she sees me later. I do not know if she is prepared for what I have to tell her. I do not know how much she has changed over the past couple of weeks, for I know very well she has not been eating well.

And should she still insist that there's still hope for us.. and is willing to forgive and forget everything.. My determination will waver.

For I know I still want her.

For I know parts of me still prefer her.

Most importantly.. she is just like a blank piece of paper. The other.. is a paper that has been scribbled and drawn and repainted several times. The rare few white spots that exists are so insignificant that they are almost unrecognizable. It's not even possible to simply repaint the paper to white then redraw. I gotta make do with what I have.. and it sucks, to be honest.

It feels so unfair. Why am I always required to put in so much effort just to get something of little returns? Not to mention the fact that I have to acknowledge the fact that what I got is something that has its value depreciated already.

Haiz.