That old old wound again

It hurts. It fucking hurts.

The very same wound left festering for 4 years has re-opened again.

It hurts. I thought it had healed and would never come back again. But nope. I'm the partial cause afterall. It just hurts so damn bad.

Hahhahaha.

Laughing and crying, I'm getting used to it.

Simple

Simple.

So simple.

I know what I want now.

But it is near impossible, if not outright impossible, to achieve/obtain.

So simple. Yet so impossible.

Why do I feel like crying and laughing at the same time?

Forced

What am I to think when one can say: "I do this willingly, of my own free will", when it has been done before, however forced to?

Should I feel honored that it was repeated for me willingly?

Or should I feel nothing from it, as it was just simply, done before?

I mean, it isn't that hard to repeat something you've done before, albeit on different terms, isn't it?

Hence, should I place value in such actions?

Or should I be glad that, others are willing to go the extra mile for me?

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On the other hand, when one says: "I know I wanna do this, but it will have to wait until the right time", what am I supposed to feel then?

Should I again, feel honored that I was placed into consideration for said action?

Or am I correct in saying that "Actions speak louder than words"?

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Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Why must everything be like this? Have I not given enough, not proven enough, not committed enough?

One has given everything away, claiming that most of her choices were made reluctantly. Now she is desperate, doing anything and everything in fears of losing it all.

The other has kept everything, claiming that she wants it to be perfect. She too, is desperate, wanting it all back, hating and wondering why she made her choices so.

Life likes to screw with us, indeed.

Now that I have gotten what I wanted, it feels so empty, so bitter, so ironic.

Something so simple, so precious, yet so sensitive.

I am not satisfied. Am I being greedy? Am I wrong in wanting things to work out the way I want them to be? Am I wrong in wanting everything to go my way for once, in wanting to see my efforts and hard work pay off?

Knowledge is power, but there is a painful price to pay, for knowing too much.

Naivette

To blindly trust and devote everything when its not even a year.

Yes, history has repeated itself, on a smaller scale, but hey, seriously, less than a year?

Why is it never me? Does Fate truly feel that I don't deserve? Or must I wait longer?

Yet all these has happened EXACTLY because I waited. WTF?

What do you want me to do???

Words

How does one tell another, with words that cannot be communicated?

I am a beast.

I don't deserve.

But yet attempt I shall.

For that is the least I can do for you.