Drained

I guess that's it.

My rage has drained to the point I no longer vent as frequently now.
If I had to guess.. I probably shortened my lifespan by 5-10years?

Hahaha.. Well that might be a good thing.

Anyways, time to embark on my new journey.
A white blog full of funnies; the contradiction of this one.

I'll be back though, I'm sure.

This will stay as my inner dark self.

Outburst

It happened again.

And each time it happens, the headache that comes after becomes more severe.

I guess a few more times and I'm gonna rip my brain arteries a new hole somewhere.

Better go get my will done in case I keel over for no particular reason.

Ragnarok Online

Ragnarok Online.

The name brings back unbelievable memories. This song. I fell in love with it the moment I heard it play. Hearing it now makes me want to tear up.



Scrolling my cursor down, I saw a Youtube user's comment:













Although I never experienced the same warmth of having met and made friends online, I understood how he felt when I quit RO as well. All the memories, the cheers, laughs, excitement and frustrations.. You can never believe how much this game meant to me.

Games, as well as books, anime, and manga, were the source of my soul's salvation, my escape from reality. Certainly, it made me an "otaku", so what? At least I'm living with a source of comfort, however meagre.

When I learnt of RO2's final release as an OBT (Open Beta Test), I was overjoyed. I kept myself up through the night knowing I needed my sleep for work the next day, but screw that. RO came first.

The login screen. I was filled with trepidation as I went through the motions of logging into a game that I had been waiting forever for. But I was disappointed.

True it is an OBT, but the game was so unpolished and had so many bugs and issues and translation fails that  it totally boggles my mind. How can anyone fail that bad? WTF? Don't you guys have the money to hire people with proper English? I had to admit, the first few hours/levels of gameplay was awesome for me. But it was a totally different game now, one which had lost the flavour that was RO.

I have so much I wish to talk about this but I know I need my sleep. Another day perhaps, I'll continue my story.

Farewell 2012

It's the end of 2012. A year of events, major life milestones, and friendships.
Every time I look back, every year feels shittier than the one before.
Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps I'm just grouching. Perhaps it's all true and I just forget the shit that happens.

Now, I feel at peace. For the longest time ever in my life, peace.
Doesn't mean that my problems are solved or gone. It's just then I've found my inner peace.
Come what may. I think I've decided already. There is no point in struggling when it results in nothing.

I'll just live by the lifehack I've found. I'm gonna refuse to work for what I want from now on.
Fate, it seems, enjoys making a slapstick comedy outta me. Hence I shall let it have its fun.
From now on, I'm gonna enjoy life as it is. No point trying to work for what I want when it gets denied constantly. To add insult to the injury, things which I don't wish for, comes easily to me.

Which makes others jealous, which makes them puzzle why do I continue to grouch despite all that I have.

Well, no one understands me. And I guess this will be the way it shall be till I'm nailed into my wooden bed. Seeing how December 21th was a hoax (not necessarily, but at least the world didn't end immediately), I guess I'm gonna have to start looking forward to a lifetime's worth of shit to endure.

Take care folks. This blog will become quite the hellhole for negativity. I hope there comes a day when I will let this blog lie obsolete while I channel my energy in starting a new one, using my grievances and suffering as inspiration and energy for the works which I've always wanted to begin and complete.

Good-bye 2012. I hope that from the next year on, everything changes.

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To anyone who stumbles across this blog or follows it.. and knows the author, I just wish to say this:

Please take the contents of this blog with a pinch of salt. Or heapfuls of it.

This blog is meant to be the darkest recesses of my soul, to contain the rage and sorrows that would otherwise come to bear on those I love. Already I am failing, without this, I dare not face the people in my life. Please don't take everything at face value and think badly of me. =) If you do, truly, you are a fool.

And once again, please do not assume to think that my posts are direct copies of my experiences. I've coloured them and rewrote them in ways that only I will understand. To assume and think that all I've written here is the truth is to be a fool.

Take care in 2013! =)


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Fragile

I'm back to where I was, a decade ago.

It's ironic. Everything is exactly the same. Boatload of problems, financial difficulties, fucked up friends, heartbroken, and a shitty relation with my dad.

Only difference is probably that I look better and am old now. Haha.

It took me years to recover. Hell, I can't even remember if I ever truly recovered. The events from ten years ago changed me, and made me who I am. Will this round of events serve to do the same?

I don't know.

I'm emotionally fragile right now. I've not felt this way in such a long time. Friendship has made me weak. The slightest prick right now will shatter me, just as it did before, so many years before.

Please. Anything but those days. Willpower kept me going, but I was younger, and I had the energy.

Now? I'm just a drained old man. I have hardly the mental sustenance to keep me going as I once did when u was young. The things that came into my life and held me up are tearing apart under the pressure.

How long more must I endure this? How much more bitterness and inequality must you let me suffer and witness before you will let me go? Until I breathe my last?

Is it not enough that you gave me knowledge and repeated lessons that all that I know is useless? That I'm condemned to live out my life as a useless individual destined never to accomplish anything? So much so that you must continually place stark reminders and temptations in my way to cause me more suffering? Why don't you just simply cut me open and salt me, since I'm nothing but an ulcer to you?

No, you're not God, for you're fucked up. But you sure as hell is a sonofabitch. Thanks.