Wavering

I wanna scream.

I just wanna scream my head off and let out this built-up tension buried deep within my chest.

I hate myself for being so right about all the wrong stuff.. I really do. What I would give to have my predictions turn out wrong.. But they never do.

I promised to give an answer before 2011 hits.

Right now, it's the 30th of December, 2010, 4.00 AM.

And I know she's noticed this and has been dropping me hints this evening. I don't know if I should ask or not. When I made my promise to her, it was before my exams, and before the confession. (Darkness post) I was pretty sure of my choice back then, but all that changed after she told me what she had done.

Yes, it is history.

Yes, it is over.

Yes, it cannot be undone.

But I would be lying to myself if I said it didn't matter, or that it didn't affect me. The fact that I talked about this many times with her, and that I think about it often, is enough to tell me that I care.

And that the topic hurts like a bitch everytime I get reminded.

Yes, it doesn't matter to someone who has done the same.

Yes, it doesn't matter to someone who has more "experience".

But as HY said, I'm someone who's been clean and clear with my life. This isn't something I can take so easily.

My head is spinning with choices.. and the hurt it would cause when I make them.

Less than 48 hours left to the new year.. And here I am still wavering in my stand.

I need answers, and I need them fast. I need to be sure.

Today and tomorrow will decide everything.

Apprehension

It has been more than a month since the "Shattering" occurred.

And today is the day I will be finalizing everything and let the dust settle once and for all.

Yet.. A nagging corner of my mind is telling me not to let go, to go back and try again. It hates the insecurity its currently experiencing, and wants to go back to the worry-free and stable days of the past, where everything was guaranteed to be new.

Yet.. It is also impossible, for the amount of hurt generated by such a move would probably be great enough to make her go over the edge, likely resulting in unpleasant consequences.

Hence the reason for my apprehension. I do not know what HY will say when she sees me later. I do not know if she is prepared for what I have to tell her. I do not know how much she has changed over the past couple of weeks, for I know very well she has not been eating well.

And should she still insist that there's still hope for us.. and is willing to forgive and forget everything.. My determination will waver.

For I know I still want her.

For I know parts of me still prefer her.

Most importantly.. she is just like a blank piece of paper. The other.. is a paper that has been scribbled and drawn and repainted several times. The rare few white spots that exists are so insignificant that they are almost unrecognizable. It's not even possible to simply repaint the paper to white then redraw. I gotta make do with what I have.. and it sucks, to be honest.

It feels so unfair. Why am I always required to put in so much effort just to get something of little returns? Not to mention the fact that I have to acknowledge the fact that what I got is something that has its value depreciated already.

Haiz.

Longing

My heart aches.

I have what I want.

And yet.. it aches for the past, for that which will never return.

Why does it long for the past so?

I understand not.

Darkness

Never did I expect to hear something like that.

Never did I expect her to behave the way she does.

Never did I know or think that she would feel the way she did.

Its true, its history.

But the truth still hurts. And it hurts, really bad. (At least choose someone else who's better looking? Daniel's like.. an ugly old dude?)

I'm worried now. For even if she sticks to her promise of not never breaking her promise and staying faithful.. Will I?

For now I know it doesn't really matter to her.

Perhaps she's telling the truth that she regretted her actions.

Perhaps she's telling the truth that she really wants me to stay with her always.

Only time will tell.

不能说的秘密。真的是个不能说的秘密。

我在开放，容忍，也不能接受这个事实。

这不是一个说 “过去了，别去记它” ，

就可以把念头给打发的事实。

你真的是太傻，太傻了。你这样做。。

对我公平吗？虽然是过去了，

但是，公平吗？我无话可说了。

只希望这是你最后的 “惊喜”。

不要再让我的心痛了。

我的忍耐是有极限的。

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不能說的秘密 Bu Neng Shuo De Mi mi

作詞：方文山
作曲：周杰倫

冷咖啡離開了杯墊

我忍住的情緒在很後面

拼命想挽回的從前

在我臉上依舊清晰可見

最美的不是下雨天

是曾與你躲過雨的屋檐(oh)

回憶的畫面

在蕩著秋千 夢開始不甜

你說把愛漸漸 放下會走更遠

又何必去改變 已错过的时间

你用你的指尖 阻止我說再見

想象你在身邊 在完全失去之前

你說把愛漸漸 放下會走更遠

或許命運的簽 只讓我們遇見

只讓我們相戀 這一季的秋天

飄落後才發現 這幸福的碎片

要我怎麼撿

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Ragdoll

The past few days were so eventful that I'm not even sure if everything happened within 2 short days.

Just to keep as a memory placeholder, the following is an account of what happened on Tuesday night, 7th December 2010.

V's account:

- Got hounded by a "Stalker" and made me upset. I don't wanna give him another chance!

- Damn. Left home in a rush. Forgot my stuff and I forgot to use plasters for my heels.

- Switched off my phone because the "Stalker" is irritating. Tuition now.

- That damnable "Stalker" is irritating me again! I just wanna go for dinner with my friends.

- OK, I'm feeling like crap. I wanna get home early and rest, like I promised Baby. =)

- Huh? My friends are at a pub? Oh fine whatever. Not hungry anyway, finger foods are fine.

- Baby's worried, I promised him I won't get drunk. =)

- Hmm.. Martell.. Ah, damn. This tastes so good.

- Damn that Stalker. Can't even enjoy myself now.

- Playing games with my friends! Wee~~! Free flow drinks! =D

- Oh~ He's coming later to send me home.. Shoooo niceee~ of.. him.

- Hee hee hee... Baby's here.. and I think I had alittle too much. Opps.

- Hugged my "Brother" and asked him about Baby. =D

- Huh? Why's Baby here with me? Hee hee hee..

- Had a craptastic vomitting session at my house void deck for nearly 2 hours.

- Had a chat with Baby after that. Burned his night for my selfishness =(

- I realized I broke my promise to him. Oh WTF.

- I didn't realize I was hugging my Brother in front of him. Shit.

Being treated like a ragdoll stinks. Feels like I'm not even important enough for people to place consideration for. That's how it is huh? Its "pointless" to treat me better because somehow I don't deserve it? That my words have no meaning?

Certainly feels like it.

Ah fuck. Whatever. Being taken for granted, as usual.

Unfair

Why do I not get mine despite my efforts?

Why do I not get what I want despite 4 and a half years of waiting?

Why do I not get what I desire despite my commitment?

Why do I not get what I wish despite my conviction?

Why do I not get what I demand despite being entitled to it?

Why do I not get what I request despite being the best I can be?

Why then is it that others get what they want without lifting a single finger?

Why is it then that I have to continue to work so hard?

WHY?

Fuck this damned world.

Hesitation

Exams are up and coming.. And I realized I have barely a week left to study, yet I still have easily 20+ hours of online lecture to cover. My goodness. Time to hit the books.

But that doesn't seems its gonna be easy, what with the distraction going on at the moment.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The issues in my heart sits heavy. I keep thinking about them over and over. And at the very end I realized I was comparing. What if I didn't had anything to compare to? Would I be happy with the way things are right now? I most probably would, with a couple of exceptions, but nothing like the way I keep thinking right now.

A week has already passed and Dec is well on its way. Today is the 7th, and I feel that I should end this soon, quickly. Christmas would be a great deadline to meet to clear up the smoke that has been left lying around for too long.

I just wish that my heart realizes what it wants earlier and be firm in its choice. This swinging sensation is terrible, no more please. Being able to choose is a great thing; being forced to choose stinks.

December

The month I like the best. =)

Less updates coming up, simply because work is ramping up. Exams are around the corner, let's just hope this semester would be smooth-sailing and better than last.

Enjoy the month where the year begins its end.

Comfort Zone

Things are beginning to calm down.. But yet I fear it is only the calm before the storm. My heart is feels fuzzy. As I keep one happy, I worry about the other, constantly.

Am I wrong to worry for the other? After all, I've been taking care of her for 4 and a half years. Her dependence on me is so severe that I worry daily how she will be. Or should I simply leave her be and let her understand how to stand on her own?

Moving out from one's comfort zone is truly a frightening experience. There is no certainty, you know nothing, only hoping that you would get something which you may end up liking. Yet as signs of what is to come surfaces, nothing becomes more scary than seeing things you do not want to see.

I find myself looking back at the days of tranquility. Indeed, as much as they were ball-n-shackles, they were days of peace and quiet that lent an air of reserve. Instinctively, you'd know that it is safe, that nothing would go wrong, just peace, quiet and simplicity. I feel like a convict let out of the prison after years of sentence; the crazy longing to sacrifice one's freedom to regain a sense of safety and security is so strong that I have been made to think. Thinking of thoughts which I should not be thinking.

Of thoughts which are hurtful.

Looking back at my actions; I made one happy while saddening the other, saved one while I hurt the other. The reason for my choice of action was simply because, I was also doing it for myself, as I wanted to break free..

However, when she asked me for a chance to prove that we can still be together, I was stumped. Because she was right. I should have given her that chance before being so decisive. I feel that, as of this moment, everything has gone beyond the point of salvation now. Her parents know about what happened, and will never view me in the same light again. She herself knows the hurt that I have done to her before, and will never treat me the same again. I myself have committed to something I shouldn't have; something which I can only blame myself and my blood for.

Everything is too late.

But as I think back about the hasty decisions and mistakes that were made, I realized that I am yearning a chance to re-make those choices and un-do those mistakes.

Am I unsatisfied with what I have now, which was what I was fighting for? Or am I simply seeking to return to my comfort zone?

I can no longer tell.

It is December already. Sometime later this month will come the judgement and the verdict. I will tell her the entire truth and let her decide if her obsession was right to begin with. What frightens me is that I am seeing another scenario, another ending, one which should be impossible, but has now a chance to see the light of the world.

But yet I will end up having to re-direct the hurt from one to another. I don't think I should do it, but considering everything else, that may be the better choice as HY does not has the support that a normal person have. I am worried, but yet the one who has to pay the price for my worrying, is not me.

I hate myself.