Comfort Zone

Things are beginning to calm down.. But yet I fear it is only the calm before the storm. My heart is feels fuzzy. As I keep one happy, I worry about the other, constantly.

Am I wrong to worry for the other? After all, I've been taking care of her for 4 and a half years. Her dependence on me is so severe that I worry daily how she will be. Or should I simply leave her be and let her understand how to stand on her own?

Moving out from one's comfort zone is truly a frightening experience. There is no certainty, you know nothing, only hoping that you would get something which you may end up liking. Yet as signs of what is to come surfaces, nothing becomes more scary than seeing things you do not want to see.

I find myself looking back at the days of tranquility. Indeed, as much as they were ball-n-shackles, they were days of peace and quiet that lent an air of reserve. Instinctively, you'd know that it is safe, that nothing would go wrong, just peace, quiet and simplicity. I feel like a convict let out of the prison after years of sentence; the crazy longing to sacrifice one's freedom to regain a sense of safety and security is so strong that I have been made to think. Thinking of thoughts which I should not be thinking.

Of thoughts which are hurtful.

Looking back at my actions; I made one happy while saddening the other, saved one while I hurt the other. The reason for my choice of action was simply because, I was also doing it for myself, as I wanted to break free..

However, when she asked me for a chance to prove that we can still be together, I was stumped. Because she was right. I should have given her that chance before being so decisive. I feel that, as of this moment, everything has gone beyond the point of salvation now. Her parents know about what happened, and will never view me in the same light again. She herself knows the hurt that I have done to her before, and will never treat me the same again. I myself have committed to something I shouldn't have; something which I can only blame myself and my blood for.

Everything is too late.

But as I think back about the hasty decisions and mistakes that were made, I realized that I am yearning a chance to re-make those choices and un-do those mistakes.

Am I unsatisfied with what I have now, which was what I was fighting for? Or am I simply seeking to return to my comfort zone?

I can no longer tell.

It is December already. Sometime later this month will come the judgement and the verdict. I will tell her the entire truth and let her decide if her obsession was right to begin with. What frightens me is that I am seeing another scenario, another ending, one which should be impossible, but has now a chance to see the light of the world.

But yet I will end up having to re-direct the hurt from one to another. I don't think I should do it, but considering everything else, that may be the better choice as HY does not has the support that a normal person have. I am worried, but yet the one who has to pay the price for my worrying, is not me.

I hate myself.