Disruption

Attended a 6S-class gathering tonight, 6S being my class code/number/ID/whatever for my Primary School graduating class.

It's been such a long time since I've seen my old classmates.. And certainly almost everyone has changed. (Duh. Who doesn't change with time?)

Had dinner at Lao Bei Jing @ Plaza Singapura. The bill totaled a whopping $765 for a dinner set course for 20 people! Since 17 of us turned up, that translates into a fair bit of $45 for everyone.

For those working, $45 is probably nothing (much).

Me? >.< Ouch. Nasty pain. $45 could provide me 2 buffet meals where I stuff myself bursting OR sustain me for 2 weeks with careful planning.

Damn. Would have been better off having a buffet dinner in the first place >.< Thankfully I had my fair share of the meal, else the $45 would really have been so not worth it. Food wise, was fine. Quality is there, Quantity so-so, but still way too expensive.

When we were done, we left, heading off after having a couple of group photos taken. We ended up discussing about post-dinner plans.. Of which I had no share in.

Simple reason being: While my classmates left for drinks and a chill-out-get-together-catch-up session, I was there, trying to comfort a disheveled, crazed girlfriend who was desperate as she thinks she would lose me anytime. Certainly, for what she did? She deserved it. But her constant, dogged persistence in trying to "make us better" did nothing more than piss me off every-time she tried.

Sending her home made me even more pissed off as I was taking time off, time which I had scheduled for friends whom I've not seen for easily 12 years. That's a gathering after more than a decade. Who knows when the next time will come about? But I digress.

She refused to go home, wanting me to convince her that we were alright when we're certainly not right. The evening ended real nasty for both of us, and I shall leave the details out. Thinking about it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. *spit*

Coming home, realizing there's so much for me to do, only made me more tired. One small gem for the night was that one of my close buddies (countable with a hand!) was asking me to go online so that I can chat with him and settle some arrangements for WoW with him. We had a small talk, and for awhile, felt better. After that, I went off to get my bath, etc, and checked out Facebook.

Was nice, saw a few new pictures of me tagged:
- One group photo with my REC colleagues.
- One semi-group photo with a drunken Joshua (and good friend Marcus A.K.A. Faustz).

And then I saw a published album, completed with tags, of my classmates at their post-dinner drinks.

Without me.

*Sigh*

After 12 years of not meeting up, here I am, left out again, because of a woman in my life. Just like the way I always felt for the past 4 years when the girl of my life constantly gave me problems when I went out with friends because she was "feeling insecure".

I don't get it.

I gave up my freedom, my principles, for these women whom I loved in my life.
I sacrificed my time, put in effort for them.
I chose to prioritize them over others, be it people, events or items.

What do I get in return?

1) Insecurity, distrust, restrictions.
2) Lies.

Hah. As my friend likes to say: "Life sucks, take drugs".

Why? Why are things always like this for me? Must it really be true that being nice will always end up with me being the loser? Must I really turn nasty/evil before I can be satisfied with the way things in life turn out?

This feeling of loneliness is so unique. I don't lack friends, I don't lack lovers, I don't lack family. But yet my heart feels so cold. So bitter. So pressured.

When will I ever find someone who will love me the way I want her to? Is it that hard to be that special one when I'm doing so much?

Hah. "Life sucks, take drugs", indeed.

Special day

我的好，谁能了？

知道了，又何了？

知道的，不珍惜。

失去了，才可惜。

Today is a special day. These mixed feelings.. haha.

Happy 5th Year, dear, though its no longer true. I love you, always.

Misunderstood

Had this blogspot been kept a secret from you, I would've posted this the night I wrote it. Yet.. because you know of this blog, and is a constant reader, I cannot post this until I was sure of the direction we're going, and the decision we've made.

As with the rest of the post: "Better misunderstood and freed than understanding and tied-down", for I have always firmly believed in Freedom.

- K.S. (2nd April, 2011)

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Getting the wrong signal out.. Being misinterpreted by people.. Wrongfully accused of things which had nothing to do with me..

Nothing feels worse than being misunderstood by the very person you care for, while there is nothing you can do about it.

Simply because: it is better to be misunderstood then to clear up the misunderstanding. The hurt bought about by understanding would hurt way more than if you stayed in the same spot, misunderstanding me.

And hence this is the reason I chose to leave things the way they are. It is, in the long run, better for you.

You've mis-read my blog posts.

You've misinterpreted my SMS-es.

You've not caught onto the hidden lines and hints within my words.

You've misunderstood me and my feelings for you.

No. Some of my posts are NOT intended for you. Some of the things I say are NOT referring to you. You didn't understand and jumped at the wrong conclusions. As always.

You can understand my character so well, understand how I think/feel/react so well, but yet always misunderstand my intentions.. Why??????

Reading your posts and seeing your determination.. pains me. But yet it is something I have to bear, for you have made your decision, and this is the only way to be fair to you.

There are too many things you've thought wrongly of me.

I am not angry. I am not angry. I am not angry.

I am simply tired.

Tired of explaining.

Tired of planning.

Tired of trying to make everything better.

Tired of everything.

Just tired.

I don't deserve. And hence why I made the choices I did.

Wind

The winds of fate seems to be shifting..

Something's coming.