Wavering

I wanna scream.

I just wanna scream my head off and let out this built-up tension buried deep within my chest.

I hate myself for being so right about all the wrong stuff.. I really do. What I would give to have my predictions turn out wrong.. But they never do.

I promised to give an answer before 2011 hits.

Right now, it's the 30th of December, 2010, 4.00 AM.

And I know she's noticed this and has been dropping me hints this evening. I don't know if I should ask or not. When I made my promise to her, it was before my exams, and before the confession. (Darkness post) I was pretty sure of my choice back then, but all that changed after she told me what she had done.

Yes, it is history.

Yes, it is over.

Yes, it cannot be undone.

But I would be lying to myself if I said it didn't matter, or that it didn't affect me. The fact that I talked about this many times with her, and that I think about it often, is enough to tell me that I care.

And that the topic hurts like a bitch everytime I get reminded.

Yes, it doesn't matter to someone who has done the same.

Yes, it doesn't matter to someone who has more "experience".

But as HY said, I'm someone who's been clean and clear with my life. This isn't something I can take so easily.

My head is spinning with choices.. and the hurt it would cause when I make them.

Less than 48 hours left to the new year.. And here I am still wavering in my stand.

I need answers, and I need them fast. I need to be sure.

Today and tomorrow will decide everything.

Apprehension

It has been more than a month since the "Shattering" occurred.

And today is the day I will be finalizing everything and let the dust settle once and for all.

Yet.. A nagging corner of my mind is telling me not to let go, to go back and try again. It hates the insecurity its currently experiencing, and wants to go back to the worry-free and stable days of the past, where everything was guaranteed to be new.

Yet.. It is also impossible, for the amount of hurt generated by such a move would probably be great enough to make her go over the edge, likely resulting in unpleasant consequences.

Hence the reason for my apprehension. I do not know what HY will say when she sees me later. I do not know if she is prepared for what I have to tell her. I do not know how much she has changed over the past couple of weeks, for I know very well she has not been eating well.

And should she still insist that there's still hope for us.. and is willing to forgive and forget everything.. My determination will waver.

For I know I still want her.

For I know parts of me still prefer her.

Most importantly.. she is just like a blank piece of paper. The other.. is a paper that has been scribbled and drawn and repainted several times. The rare few white spots that exists are so insignificant that they are almost unrecognizable. It's not even possible to simply repaint the paper to white then redraw. I gotta make do with what I have.. and it sucks, to be honest.

It feels so unfair. Why am I always required to put in so much effort just to get something of little returns? Not to mention the fact that I have to acknowledge the fact that what I got is something that has its value depreciated already.

Haiz.

Longing

My heart aches.

I have what I want.

And yet.. it aches for the past, for that which will never return.

Why does it long for the past so?

I understand not.

Darkness

Never did I expect to hear something like that.

Never did I expect her to behave the way she does.

Never did I know or think that she would feel the way she did.

Its true, its history.

But the truth still hurts. And it hurts, really bad. (At least choose someone else who's better looking? Daniel's like.. an ugly old dude?)

I'm worried now. For even if she sticks to her promise of not never breaking her promise and staying faithful.. Will I?

For now I know it doesn't really matter to her.

Perhaps she's telling the truth that she regretted her actions.

Perhaps she's telling the truth that she really wants me to stay with her always.

Only time will tell.

不能说的秘密。真的是个不能说的秘密。

我在开放，容忍，也不能接受这个事实。

这不是一个说 “过去了，别去记它” ，

就可以把念头给打发的事实。

你真的是太傻，太傻了。你这样做。。

对我公平吗？虽然是过去了，

但是，公平吗？我无话可说了。

只希望这是你最后的 “惊喜”。

不要再让我的心痛了。

我的忍耐是有极限的。

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不能說的秘密 Bu Neng Shuo De Mi mi

作詞：方文山
作曲：周杰倫

冷咖啡離開了杯墊

我忍住的情緒在很後面

拼命想挽回的從前

在我臉上依舊清晰可見

最美的不是下雨天

是曾與你躲過雨的屋檐(oh)

回憶的畫面

在蕩著秋千 夢開始不甜

你說把愛漸漸 放下會走更遠

又何必去改變 已错过的时间

你用你的指尖 阻止我說再見

想象你在身邊 在完全失去之前

你說把愛漸漸 放下會走更遠

或許命運的簽 只讓我們遇見

只讓我們相戀 這一季的秋天

飄落後才發現 這幸福的碎片

要我怎麼撿

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Ragdoll

The past few days were so eventful that I'm not even sure if everything happened within 2 short days.

Just to keep as a memory placeholder, the following is an account of what happened on Tuesday night, 7th December 2010.

V's account:

- Got hounded by a "Stalker" and made me upset. I don't wanna give him another chance!

- Damn. Left home in a rush. Forgot my stuff and I forgot to use plasters for my heels.

- Switched off my phone because the "Stalker" is irritating. Tuition now.

- That damnable "Stalker" is irritating me again! I just wanna go for dinner with my friends.

- OK, I'm feeling like crap. I wanna get home early and rest, like I promised Baby. =)

- Huh? My friends are at a pub? Oh fine whatever. Not hungry anyway, finger foods are fine.

- Baby's worried, I promised him I won't get drunk. =)

- Hmm.. Martell.. Ah, damn. This tastes so good.

- Damn that Stalker. Can't even enjoy myself now.

- Playing games with my friends! Wee~~! Free flow drinks! =D

- Oh~ He's coming later to send me home.. Shoooo niceee~ of.. him.

- Hee hee hee... Baby's here.. and I think I had alittle too much. Opps.

- Hugged my "Brother" and asked him about Baby. =D

- Huh? Why's Baby here with me? Hee hee hee..

- Had a craptastic vomitting session at my house void deck for nearly 2 hours.

- Had a chat with Baby after that. Burned his night for my selfishness =(

- I realized I broke my promise to him. Oh WTF.

- I didn't realize I was hugging my Brother in front of him. Shit.

Being treated like a ragdoll stinks. Feels like I'm not even important enough for people to place consideration for. That's how it is huh? Its "pointless" to treat me better because somehow I don't deserve it? That my words have no meaning?

Certainly feels like it.

Ah fuck. Whatever. Being taken for granted, as usual.

Unfair

Why do I not get mine despite my efforts?

Why do I not get what I want despite 4 and a half years of waiting?

Why do I not get what I desire despite my commitment?

Why do I not get what I wish despite my conviction?

Why do I not get what I demand despite being entitled to it?

Why do I not get what I request despite being the best I can be?

Why then is it that others get what they want without lifting a single finger?

Why is it then that I have to continue to work so hard?

WHY?

Fuck this damned world.

Hesitation

Exams are up and coming.. And I realized I have barely a week left to study, yet I still have easily 20+ hours of online lecture to cover. My goodness. Time to hit the books.

But that doesn't seems its gonna be easy, what with the distraction going on at the moment.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The issues in my heart sits heavy. I keep thinking about them over and over. And at the very end I realized I was comparing. What if I didn't had anything to compare to? Would I be happy with the way things are right now? I most probably would, with a couple of exceptions, but nothing like the way I keep thinking right now.

A week has already passed and Dec is well on its way. Today is the 7th, and I feel that I should end this soon, quickly. Christmas would be a great deadline to meet to clear up the smoke that has been left lying around for too long.

I just wish that my heart realizes what it wants earlier and be firm in its choice. This swinging sensation is terrible, no more please. Being able to choose is a great thing; being forced to choose stinks.

December

The month I like the best. =)

Less updates coming up, simply because work is ramping up. Exams are around the corner, let's just hope this semester would be smooth-sailing and better than last.

Enjoy the month where the year begins its end.

Comfort Zone

Things are beginning to calm down.. But yet I fear it is only the calm before the storm. My heart is feels fuzzy. As I keep one happy, I worry about the other, constantly.

Am I wrong to worry for the other? After all, I've been taking care of her for 4 and a half years. Her dependence on me is so severe that I worry daily how she will be. Or should I simply leave her be and let her understand how to stand on her own?

Moving out from one's comfort zone is truly a frightening experience. There is no certainty, you know nothing, only hoping that you would get something which you may end up liking. Yet as signs of what is to come surfaces, nothing becomes more scary than seeing things you do not want to see.

I find myself looking back at the days of tranquility. Indeed, as much as they were ball-n-shackles, they were days of peace and quiet that lent an air of reserve. Instinctively, you'd know that it is safe, that nothing would go wrong, just peace, quiet and simplicity. I feel like a convict let out of the prison after years of sentence; the crazy longing to sacrifice one's freedom to regain a sense of safety and security is so strong that I have been made to think. Thinking of thoughts which I should not be thinking.

Of thoughts which are hurtful.

Looking back at my actions; I made one happy while saddening the other, saved one while I hurt the other. The reason for my choice of action was simply because, I was also doing it for myself, as I wanted to break free..

However, when she asked me for a chance to prove that we can still be together, I was stumped. Because she was right. I should have given her that chance before being so decisive. I feel that, as of this moment, everything has gone beyond the point of salvation now. Her parents know about what happened, and will never view me in the same light again. She herself knows the hurt that I have done to her before, and will never treat me the same again. I myself have committed to something I shouldn't have; something which I can only blame myself and my blood for.

Everything is too late.

But as I think back about the hasty decisions and mistakes that were made, I realized that I am yearning a chance to re-make those choices and un-do those mistakes.

Am I unsatisfied with what I have now, which was what I was fighting for? Or am I simply seeking to return to my comfort zone?

I can no longer tell.

It is December already. Sometime later this month will come the judgement and the verdict. I will tell her the entire truth and let her decide if her obsession was right to begin with. What frightens me is that I am seeing another scenario, another ending, one which should be impossible, but has now a chance to see the light of the world.

But yet I will end up having to re-direct the hurt from one to another. I don't think I should do it, but considering everything else, that may be the better choice as HY does not has the support that a normal person have. I am worried, but yet the one who has to pay the price for my worrying, is not me.

I hate myself.

Shattered

Well. The bomb went off earlier than expected.

Partially due to my good bro's advice that, one shouldn't wait. Do it fast, do it decisively. Do it before shit happens and the good stuff you wanted to create by waiting becomes wasted. He hit me hard when he said the very words that makes up the foundation of my principles:

"Put yourself in her shoes, how would you like it if you were treated this way?"

Thanks to him, I got reminded that I had strayed from my principles. And so I took his advice.

Of which I'm glad, I believe.

Having to wait anymore was a torture for all of us involved in this situation. Everyday that went by was a nasty one. None of us was sure what would happen. Hence, this decision is for the best.

I'm sorry though. This is a messed up decision that should have been made 2 years ago when my buddy from the army first talked to me about it. I shouldn't have waited, as he has told me. "Don't do it because you want to help, it will only serve to make things worse."

Today her parents called me and reminded me of the various issues which has haunted me for the past 2 years. Adding the matter of the house was just another weight to an over-bursting baggage. It didn't make a difference, but hearing them on the phone was heart-breaking.

Such is human relationships. Whatever action you take, you hurt someone. And when you hurt someone, you usually go on to hurt more than one person. I've never intended to hurt anyone before. Messed up decisions and indecisiveness has bought about today.

Never again. Never again will I want to hurt anyone like this ever again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking at her blog, reviewing her entries from months/years before.. I know my decision is correct. Indeed, she was right in saying that, I started changing after we got the house. Reflecting on that, I realized that, it was just me rebelling against my choice of forcing myself to do something I did not want to. Not only that, my choice did not even benefit myself.

I had taken on and put up with so many things and been taken for granted. So much that this was the ultimatum, of which I had hoped would salvage the situation and turn it around in my favor, allowing me to stay in this relationship easier.

It didn't happen. In fact, if anything, she became more possessive and attention-seeking, while I still did not get what I want, and in fact, lost more of my freedom. I never noticed this, probably due to pressure from her parents, as well as being busy with various things in life: work, school, and a small part, family.

Now, with the aftermath of the bomb that went off on Saturday, 20th November 2010, things would never be the same again. The price I have to pay for is humongous. Way too humongous for me to handle. But there is no choice but to pay for it.

For the alternative is to return to the shackles and the gallows.

Which I will never do so again, having obtained the freedom I've wanted back for so long. 4 years and 5 months. Its a mistake that's taken 4 years and 5 months to correct.

I now look to the future, weary. For the burdens have just increased, and there is nothing I can do about it except to take it in my stride and continue moving onwards, until I can release them slowly when I am able to.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Both her and her parents told me: "I will regret my decision." While I certainly do not dispute the fact that their daughter would make an excellent wife, I have rarely regretted my decisions. Being happy with someone I would like to be with is so much better than being unhappy with someone that would be ideal.

The irony of it all was when they both said the same thing: "You are too young. You do not treasure what you have now. Once you realized that you have lost it, then only will you know that it is precious. "

Indeed.

But unfortunately I have thought about this long and hard before. And hence I know my decision to be right.

The one who has lost it knowing that something precious was lost is not me.

It's her.

Completion

Finally had my project cleared. For the past 1 month its been nothing but tests and deadlines to meet.

Phew. Good thing my project mates ain't the nasty SOB's like some other people I know out there.

Upcoming test this Friday, but finally I have some time freed on my hands to do what I want! And that means some good ol' meet-ups with friends whom I've neglected!

And wow. 2 weeks of no gaming. Seriously, and I still call myself a gamer.

Whatever, its 2 am in the morning, and I've been running on 6 hours of sleep for the past 60 hours. Time to crash. 4 hours to wake up. Tsk tsk.

I hope tomorrow's will be a great day.

Catalysm

Yeah~~ World of Warcraft: Catalysm - is due for world-wide release on December 7th, 2010. From now until 07/12/2010, Blizzard will be running events that are updated weekly, events that leads up to the climatic moment that is Catalysm.

The day Deathwing emerges and tears Azeroth asunder. Azeroth will never be the same again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Interestingly, as I was discussing this with my friend, I realized that the same is happening in real-life! At least that's what's going on in my life. Events have begun, which will only conclude itself in December 2010. Shit is happening real fast, and with the colossal amounts of work slated for November, this is gonna one heck of a busy/fast month.

Recent weeks have caused me to think that the pendulum has slowed down, and is coming to a stop, but nope; it is still going, strong as ever. This time it seems to be swinging in slow-motion instead, not the frantic side-to-side action it has seen for the past month.

The various warnings and reminders I've received has been nothing but an echo in my mind. I know them, I've thought of them, and on hearing them, I can feel nothing but the hollowness of truth ringing through my mind.

I know what my skeptic mind is telling me, I know that the words I'm hearing are simply just a reflection of what I've thought of/am thinking about. But yet I just wanna take a gamble.

Of which I might regret.

Yet I know if I don't take this gamble, I will never know for sure, and will still regret.

I guess everyone becomes dumb whenever it comes to this topic.

Yet thinking about it.. I may no longer have a choice. Looking at it and being fair, I've already stepped down a path of no return. I guess maybe I should think about how to structure the truth and drop the bomb. There's already been a casualty, of whom I think deserves what he's gotten. But yet for the shit he's done, I doubt that is enough. If only I could do more to increase his pain and suffering so that he can experience that which he has given out.

Yes, judge and be judged. I'll damn well judge and punish however I want to. I'll get mine, so be it. The day it all comes back to me would be the day I know my purpose is over.

Right now? Free judgments and punishments on the horizon. Come get some.

Pendulum

The pendulum. A simple device. Nothing more than balls on a string, transferring kinetic energy to one another, from side to side, until it slowly fades away and eventually stops moving.

Swinging, swinging, swinging, never stopping. The pendulum that's in my mind is just going non-stop. Not surprisingly, given that I'm probably making the biggest decision of my life. Although I'm thankful I have another couple of months before I am required to give my answer, I hate the indecisiveness that riddles me as of this moment.

Never before have I been so indecisive. Dilemmas are common, and are usually resolved within a day or so. Serious issues have never taken me more than a week's consideration to come up with a decision. And yet...

Swing, swing, swing.

I cannot decide. For the first time of my life, as much as I keep telling myself I have decided... I cannot.

My girlfriend was right. I have plunged too deep and went overboard. Everything is too late now. There is no chance for me to extract myself without hurting anyone.

Why, oh why, oh why...?

To save one is to condemn the other. To please one is to hurt the other. Why must decisions be so binary? I did not wish for anyone to be hurt.

And it doesn't help that the niggling voices in my head are fighting each other too.

"You know your decision, follow it! You have wanted to do this long ago!"

"You knew there's uncertainty and could end up worse! End it now!"

"Hell no, you promised to protect her, you know what she thinks!"

"You're trading what you want: simplicity, for complexity! Are you sure?!"

"You're sticking to something you weren't sure you wanted, are you sure?!"

"Admit it: it was your desires that bought about this!"

"Why are you wavering? Is that why you're in a dilemma?"

"Don't wanna admit your feelings have changed?"

"Honor your agreement and plans!"

"Why are you giving up now?"

"Is she really worth it?"

And here I was, trying to deceive myself into thinking that the days free from worries and frustration were here to stay.

Until my decision is finalized.. I'll never be worry-free.

And I suspect whichever decision I make.. will result in regrets.

Is it possible to protect two at once?

Instability

Looking at how someone is slowly cracking up and disintegrating before you is mind-wrenching. It just gets so much worse when its someone you care for.

When denial sets in, the human mind just doesn't comprehend any other additional information it receives; it only wants to set the world and facts to what it has recognized to be true, ignoring anything and everything that makes its assumption false.

Insanity can set in if mishandled. I never understood how people can find it difficult to simply acknowledge the truth and move on. They allow lies and deceit to remain in their minds and let it weave itself into a world of hurt and betrayal.

Open up your eyes and take a good look around. Being hurt by knowing the truth is better than getting hurt while being in denial; it does yourself not a single ounce of good to ignore what is already known. Acknowledge that which is deep within you; the nagging sensation of "truth" that was denied.

For it will not be long when your mind breaks down and nothing else can save you. For once you have been deemed to be one of the Insane, who will ever believe that you are otherwise?

Stumble

Curiosity killed the cat. How curious.

Being curious kills, it does.

Like how I just found out doing so much for another was not only pointless, I'm paying for it now.

Let's just hope that people will wise up and pay their dues. (Fat chance though =/)

Deep Dive

Sometimes I wonder. All the things I've done, has always been committed after several rounds of reconsideration in my head. I've always been putting others first, or careful consideration of consequences before I would dare to do anything.

I think its think its fine to screw everything and take the plunge. Maybe I'll come out stronger, better.

Maybe I'll finally get what I want. Worse case is that I'll drown. But what's the difference between drowning and dying elsewhere? Might as well.

2011 is the year of decisions. We'll see.

Insecurity

There she goes. Bomb No. 1 is free. And there's many more where it came from.

I knew it. Facts of my life are so messed up and are so seriously screwed up that I just cannot easily let people know about them. I'm either misunderstood, or judged callously. And as much as I'd say "I don't care.", I'm lying.

I care, and it hurts so much hence the reason why I do not tell people about my life.

And people wonder why I appear so cold/quiet.

This feeling of insecurity stinks. The feeling of not knowing what the other person is thinking, of not knowing how your image in their mind has changed, stinks.

There's so many things to do lately: tests, projects, lectures to attend, but yet, my head is just spinning. Its not stopping. Its thinking and thinking and thinking and running on overdrive that I'm just afraid one day it'll just blow up or something. And I just cannot focus on my work.

I am dissatisfied. Very much so. And yet I am still taking this shit. Whatever for?

Tired.

I just hope the bomb lands right; I can feel the search is nearly over.. Do not fail me now, please. For the love of whatever that is the higher order, please, I need my respite. Let my gamble pay off.

Because she is all I have left.

Choice

"A man will do to you what he will do for you."

A epic statement that is irrefutable. Anyone that disagrees, is lying.

Should a man give up his current partner for another, what's to stop him from giving up the new partner for another in the future? He has already done so before hasn't he? What makes you think that he would not repeat his action?

After all, humans are creatures of habit. It has been proven time and again, and is an indirect result of history's cycles (repeated cause and effects).

Relationships: One of life's greatest head/heart-aches. As we embark on our search for the true one, we face many obstacles, false-steps and lead-believes. Much more often than not, we become attached to the ones we do not wish to be with, but stay on for the sake of convenience/circumstances.

For the singles: it is morally wrong to break up those already in a relationship, for society deems it wrong and unjust to break up those that are officially declared to be together.

For the attached: it is morally wrong to break up with the one you have official declared as your partner for one whom you deem to be more suitable.

However, is it truly wrong to be able to choose the one we really want to spend the rest of our lives with? That is the barest and most basic of our instincts; to choose a mate who will provide for our needs.

But yet, due to selfish reasons, we want to keep the one that is deemed to be the most ideal partner to ourselves. It would be fine if it was mutual, but what if it is not, as most cases seems to be?

The search goes on, as does the dilemma and choices of betrayal and hurt that is omnipresent in relationship issues.

Love has been, and will always be ironic; for the moment you attain true love, you learn to let go. But yet if one lets go, whence is the love?

Time

Its 4 am.

Its always at this time that my mind just seems to clear up and words just flow. Concentration seems to be much better at this hour as well.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Time has always been a funny concept to me. Its inception as the 4th Dimension in my mind has allowed me to view time in a different perspective.

Being 3-dimensional creatures, the very concept of a 4th is extremely hard for us to grasp. How can a dot know about the possibility of an extension that is 2D? How could a line know about the Z-direction?

How can a human know about the 4th dimension and its underlying powers that is Time?

We've always been amazed by the Past, Present and the Future. For we have no control over this roller-coaster ride that everyone embarks on the moment they took their first breath. We just keep rolling, day after day, until the day we die and leave behind our legacy. With our primitive minds, we aren't even able to tell what happens after death. Hence the rise of superstition, faith and religion.

By philosophy, we can tell that Time-machines will never exist. For the human race would be wiped out prior to its invention. It can be the only reason why it was never invented; simply because if it were, the very essence of time itself would unfold, and the universe as we know it, will cease to be.

Why? Time's Paradox. If one did not exist before a certain period of time, is it even possible for that person to get back into that period of time with no change? Even the machine itself is an impossibility; the machine would not have existed in the past, hence it is unable to travel back into the future for it would not exist!

Jumping to the future would be pointless as well, for the future is ever-changing, based on the individual's every decision. It is these decisions, that when they become collective, changes the world's future to whatever it is destined to be.

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This is an extraordinary decade. We have experience 01/01/01, 02/02/02 and all its counterparts, and will continue to do so until 12/12/12. Perhaps it is a coincidence that the rumors of 2012 floats around. But thinking about it: doesn't it looks awfully like a countdown (except this is a count-up!) sequence to you?

The other set of numbers we have would be 20/01/2001, 20/02/2002 up to 20/12/2012.

As again, it ends @ 2012. The "destined" date for the end of the world as predicted by the Mayan Calendar was 21/12/2012.

And here we have, the ending sequential date being 20/12/2012.

Exactly ONE day before the destined date. It's so coincidental that it's starting to get spooky.

Believe it or not.

It's up to you.

Contradiction

What we do and what we think are hardly aligned most of the time.

The only times we do what we think are times of necessity.

We contradict ourselves by doing the very thing we refuse ourselves or others to do.

Yet it is by being contradictory that we can progress and move on.

Isn't it contradictory by itself?

Life is so fun.

Vitality

Been feeling like a wet noodle for the past couple of weeks. Sleep seems to be sufficient, but something's just not right.

I need a perk and coffee's not the answer.

It was only a couple of days back when my friend suddenly had an allergy attack. We were having dinner when she started sniffling and all of a sudden she just started tearing. After cleaning up in the washroom she went back to normal like 20 minutes later, but it was enough to scare the crap outta me.

I thought it was the food or something. Apparently its not.

She told me that it wasn't exactly the first time it happened.. and after chatting about it for a bit we realized a pattern emerged: it happened when she went on a streak of having not enough sleep.

Now as we all know very well, allergy attacks CAN cause death. Never take it as something light. With the recent cases of SDS (Sudden Death Syndrome) where healthy (sometimes young) people just fall over and die for no particular reason, it is starting to become a concern. With the advent of MMORPGs (Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Games), death by exhaustion is also another cause for concern. People just don't rest and suddenly, they just stop moving and had to be buried 6 feet under.

Nowadays, the convenient way is to cremate (saves land space, too!), but I digress.

Hence, get your sleep people. Don't forsake it thinking its nothing. Not having enough sleep will start to cause the body to break down because it simply isn't getting its deserved maintenance hours. (What, you expect your body to keep working and never need repairs or fail?)

It's a weird feeling when you feel that somehow, you can feel your lifespan getting shorter or that "Hmm. I don't think I'm gonna be living a long life". Maybe its a sign of getting old.

Message to the Future

Dear Girl,

What we mentioned the other day got me thinking. And hence my promise to you that I'd pen down my thoughts and one day pass it to you when it's suitable.

For all of the happiness that we've created and all the sorrows that we've shared, I realized that, I'm not supposed to be in your life. I'm not the person who should be doing this, but yet, by some strange twist of fate, I am.

Hearing more about your past and your present, I know, with a misguided sense of surety, that one day, I will step out of your life as suddenly as i stepped in today.

But when the day I do, I will know, from the bottom of my heart, that you'll be OK from here on.

The path we'll walk until the day we part, would no doubt be one of your brightest, for it is in the darkest days of our lives that the smallest spark of hope would turn out to be the only source of light.

I'm glad that I'm both your light and guide in your dark times, but I'm afraid that once that is over, so will I be gone. Simply because there is no use of a flame when you have the sun.

You'd probably feel I've broken my promises and whatnot, but the truth is: this has always been my true purpose. To see you walk again on your own and be the person you've always used to be. That's all I'll ever want.

As I type this message, I'm struggling with my inner demons. It is all so easy to forsake that which I hold dear and simply go along with you. This way I know for sure that until the end of days have come, you will be safe, always.

But I am a coward. I dare not imagine a future of a different outcome. As much as my heart hurts for me to let you go, my cowardice refuses to let me take any other actions.

That is why I do not deserve to be the one who will walk with you to the end of your journey.

As of this moment when I do pass this message to you, you'll probably have already found your other. I just hope that this time, you'll learn from mistakes of the past, and never make them again. Use your judgement. Trust is important but always be weary. Should I ever have to return to your side, I'm afraid things will never be the same again.

Your cheerfulness and inner strength will get you far in life. It is my honor to have been your healer/confidant/strength, but our ways part from here on.

Hence, it is with both pride and tears as I bid you all the best, and good-bye.

With love,

K

11th October 2010.

To a (un)certain future.

P.S.: This was supposed to be written on the 10th of October 2010, based on the events that happened that day. You have a great memory, you should know very well.

Pent Up

Yeah yeah. Emo posts, one after another.

I need to get it off my chest. Can't find another outlet, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna snap if I didn't do something about it.

Too much crap going on at the moment, plus the accumulated shit from before.

I've always been the listening ear, but yet, who's MY listening ear? Everyone I know are either busy, don't care, don't understand or simply doesn't bother.

Yes, I'm always the one who's still standing despite all the setbacks.

Yes, I'm always the pillar of strength that you guys can lean on.

But who's there for me when I need a moment of respite?

It hurts sometimes to know that despite all the people around me, I'm truly alone in the world. Sometimes I wonder how I carry on without something to believe in. Perhaps that's why my brother converted and became a believer after 34 years of atheism. Simply because the path is just too much to bear.

The human mind is simply too fragile.

23 years and counting. I'm still searching for you. Where are you? I need you..

Rubbish Bin

The Rubbish Bin. That's what I am.

I am here to keep the trash.

All day-in and all night-long.

All I do is eat the trash.

Slowly as the days goes by,

The dirt builds up, the stink starts up.

Bits and pieces of trash and filth.

People starts avoiding me.

I stink, they say.

I smell, they say.

You're yucky and filthy,

That's what they say.

Flies love me. Rats love me.

Roaches are my family.

Deep at night, as they feast.

I wonder why am I despised.

Was my purpose not noble?

Was my existence wrong to start?

Was I so much unwanted?

Was I so much unneeded?

I wonder then, I wonder now.

Why was it that I got filthy?

Was it not you who used me then?

If that's so, why the angst?

When you were the ones who made me so?

Need

I need warmth.

Human warmth.

My girlfriend has asked me on several occasions when we quarreled: "Why do you need a girlfriend when you're so capable of everything? Why do you still need me if you don't want me to help you?"

Yes certainly, I am capable of doing everything in life by myself.

Except childbirth and sex. Hence the girlfriend.

As shallow as that may sound, that is the truth.

A man needs a woman for her childbearing properties. And sex.

A woman needs a man for protection.

Yet these fundamental needs have been forgotten by society. This very thing we call "civilization". Men and women are denied their very basic needs because of these things we call "equality" and "justice", based on the majority's judgement of "this is right, therefore it is so".

I call it the Vanity of People's Refusal to Accept Jealousy and Envy.

For all our beloved "Justice" is worth, it is based on nothing more than the decisions of the many. Sometimes not even so, especially in this day and age, where decisions are made by the powerful and the rich.

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Here's an example:

A boy and a girl gets together and falls in love. They're blissfully in love for 4 years, and though neither one of them are believers in God, their principles and beliefs practically "obeys the Bible". Although the couple were happy together, they were not satisfied. Reason being simple enough: the boy was denied his needs and the girl had issues due to the boy's dissatisfaction.

As much as the boy respects his girlfriend's decision of waiting for the formality of marriage, his basic, physical needs are not fulfilled, hence the dissatisfaction.

Now looking for this example, what's wrong with it? The boy's willing to wait, doesn't his willingness proves his commitment enough for society and the law to respect him? Nope. Not happening.

Now let's look at another couple: they've been together for 5 years... and half of it wasn't blissfully in love. Despite the fact that the girl loved the boy enough to give in to his needs, believing that he will honor her by exchanging his satisfaction for hers.

It didn't happen.

The boy broke the girl's heart by leaving the relationship for another girl. Failing that, he came back and asked for forgiveness and wanted to be back in the relationship. Silly as the girl was, she accepted. For he was her first. Thereafter, their relationship became strained. The girl was uncomfortable and didn't want the relationship anymore. Why would she, when her needs of protection is not obtainable?

Yet, she stays. Because she has already given up something that this "society" values, due to the written laws of a "holy book". Days goes by, and her heart and soul gets eaten away, little by little.

What of the law? What of "society's fairness"? The boy in the first relation and the girl in the second didn't get any fairness. They both gave in order to fulfill the needs of their chosen one, but got nothing in return.

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Now, the boy and the girl with unfulfilled needs happened to be distant friends who stayed distant for the sake of their chosen ones. Why did they have to stay distant? Reason being: Jealousy and Envy. For both their partners are selfish and refuse to allow their other halves to have a potential contact with people who may be able to satisfy them, taking them away.

Chemistry sparked between the two. Simply because they realized the other was more then willing to sacrifice oneself to make the other happy. Kindred spirits, if you may. Both parties refuse to leave their other simply because they do not wish to see hurt inflicted on them. But it was clear that they wanted each other, but yet could not.

Because again, "society" stands in the way.

What do you call a person who, despite being in a relationship, loves another?

3rd party? Slut? 2-timer? Asshole?

Yet however, can this "immoral couple" be blamed for their choices?

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Day after day. I grow more and more weary of this world and its useless and senseless obsession with things that makes life difficult. Isn't life bad enough as it is? The fact we're all born crying when we enter this world is proof enough that this world is shit, isn't it?

Why the hell do we then make it even more difficult for ourselves?

The answer? For the sake of the powerful, the rich, and the ones who wish to be deemed as "pure".

It is my wish that people would wake up and see that the world isn't as structured as they deem it to be. Escape the system. Too many are lost, manipulated to work at the beck and call of society.

Failing that, here's cheering on for The End of The World on 2012!

Wake up. Before its too late.

Looking back

The old posts are extremely childish! OMGWTFBBQ?!

LOLZ!

There's quite a bit of entertainment value in reading them though. =D

Dusting Off

Oh yeah~

It's 4.15 AM in the morning.

soulbalance.blogspot is back in business! Its been nearly 4 years since my last entry in this little place on the World Wide Web. Approximately 3 years and 9 months, to be exact.

It's amazing how much a person can change in 4 years. The difference in perspective is so great that, it felt like a different me wrote in this blog back then.

Wow.

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Let's see now. December 2006 to Present Day.. what has happened thus far?

1) Graduation from Ngee Ann Polytechnic in April 2007 (I think? fail-memory for the lose)

2) Enslaved for 1 year 10 months starting from July 2007 till May 2009.

3) Enrolled into Nanyang Technological University in July 2009.

4) Waiting for Graduation (or End of the World~!) sometime in 2012.

Looking at the list, I guess the highlight for the 4 years was the time taken away from me during my enslavement period. Stories to tell though. Look forward to it. =)

I'll probably come back here pretty often. Been looking for an outlet for my thoughts, and Facebook is just simply too public (and shallow) a venue for that.