Gaming

I suspect now I know what is it about games that attract me. Certainly, being an avid book reader, I love great stories and would kill to get to read one. Games take that one step further, allowing you to interact with the story characters and events directly, resulting in an immerse story-telling experience.

And yet, if that were to be the case, then my dedication to reading and gaming should be almost equal, shouldn't it? After all, the greatest titles in the world still exist in paper form and not in games, though that is not to say that games are inept in the storytelling arena.

I suspect, that a huge part of games that allures me is the fact that I can put in effort and obtain results that I desire. Achievement, virtual items, satisfaction, you name it. That isn't reflective of real-life, where many a times you're restricted and limited to boundaries and parameters that you can never break free from.

For example? Look at me, while I'm worrying and calculating my monthly income just so I can pay off my debts and also to live a proper life, I'm hearing my friends talking about how their shops and FACTORIES are faring. I mean, what? While the price of the shampoo I use is enough to make me concerned, my friends are now worrying about rental costs and setting up factories.

Like, what? We're all 25-year olds and living in the same country, right? Why such a massive difference?

But then again, I'm someone easily satisfied, hence it doesn't concern me. What makes me tick though, is how I wish for and desire something. Something which I know will likely never be mine. It cannot be bought, it cannot be alternated for, it cannot be obtained, by me anyway.

It is a paradox, for in order to obtain it, I need to get out of my current situation, but once I am out of my situation, will I still be needing it? And furthermore, the purpose of obtaining said objective is only of value here and now. If I can get it in the future, so what? It's meaningless.

It's just like education. My dad said this during a fight: "It's such a waste you're not a lawyer, given your talent and knack to find sources and logic to argue about." Certainly, I understand and I know I'm a wasted talent, being an engineer when I could have been something else, something much more. What am I to do, when I lack the resources and abilities when I was young to be able further that which would empower me?

All my choices in my entire life have been made for the sake of prosperity and for the urgency of the situation. Never have I been allowed to choose that which I wanted from the bottom of my heart, but then again, as I said, did I have the ability to make that choice?

No. Now, I do, in a way, but again, the situation is different. My needs have changed (certainly my wants still remains, that's a good thing though), but Needs always triumph Wants. Hence, the cycle continues.

I wish, if wishes could come true, for me to be granted this one desire at least. I guess I'm alright with life's imbalances and injustice; all I pray for is for me to be able to catch my breath and take a break. I just want this little part of my life to be perfect, just so that I can address everything else.

I truly don't think it is too much to ask for. I just wish.. and will continue to wish for it to come true.

When I look back and think, will I remember what I wished for?

Decision

It's time.

I'm done trying to be happy.

I'm gonna be happy from now on.

Sure, I was happy, then it got taken away from me. Somehow I found it again, and once again, it was taken away from me.

Since I'm in an unhappy state right now, I guess its better to just be happy once more.

Afterall, if it gets taken away again, I'll just become happy once again. =)

An endless cycle, maybe. But it doesn't matter.

I will be reborn.

Come 2013. I will never be the same again.

Listless

I didn't know what to do today.

Everything that I pined for, everything that I was looking forward to, everything I wanted to do.. It all just evaporated into thin air, with me sitting there, right in front of my computer, wanting to do something.

I don't know what I should do anymore. I hardly have time for myself, and when I do, I just wanna do nothing. Perhaps at the end of the day, all I really wanted was time to myself. But then, I just spend it doing nothing. Just sitting there, thinking about stuff, and wasting my time away.

Funny how everything ends up like this. My plans, my ideas, my energy, my hopes and dreams, my future. It's all so full of details and enthusiasm, and yet when the moment arrives for it to actually occur, it all just evaporates, disappearing like a dream after you wake.

I wanted a lot of things, and I never got most of them. The few that I did get, were things I got for myself, or fought for personally.

I too, was given a lot of things. Several taken for granted too, no doubt. I wouldn't say that I didn't receive handouts from people who did nothing but just give, but the problem is: I didn't need those handouts. Sure, I know of people in my life who'd say that people chose what they gave to me because they saw what I needed and gave it to me, instead of letting me have what I wanted cause that wasn't what I needed. (confused? it's intended. =P)

I've said it many times before and I'll say it again. I am a simple person, with simple wishes. Everyone who's heard me say this disagree saying that I'm not. That I'm a complex person with complex wants and desires.

To them I say: No. You don't understand me.

Because sometimes, simplicity in itself, is a complexity.

People have forgotten what it's like to be simple. People have forgotten what simplicity really is. People are used to complexity that it has become the new simplicity, making the original simplicity look complicated.

Don't believe me? Try this: Ask ANY youngsters on how to use a smartphone, and you'll get educated on how to use one really quickly. Now try asking them to teach you to use an old phone, or those INO-phones used by the elderly (those big buttoned, plain black-and-white LCD display screen phones) and see how they end up.

They actually find a smartphone easier to use and teach than an older phone. But the smartphone is a complicated device.

It's just like the calculator and the abacus. Anyone can use a calculator, most don't know how to use an abacus! And what's an abacus? A tray of beads used for counting since thousands of years ago?

I'm sure that years later, when everyone else is more matured, then will they see the point of my arguments. I tire of explaining myself and trying to knock sense into people. It's draining to play the teaching role to everyone, everytime. Until then, stay confused then. I just giving up day after day.

The poison takes its toil, corrupting the soul. 
Faith is lost, little by little, every day.

Remember

Will people still remember me if I disappeared into the void?