Denial

I've constantly wondered..

How it would feel sitting at a table with the both of them sitting across me?

Or that I have to reach out to one of them, and one only.. whom do I reach out to?

I think I know the answer. But I refuse to acknowledge it. Why?

Don't shut me out. Please.

Maelstrom

Finally, I get to rest. A little bit. But enough for me to step back and take a good look.

What a mess.

I wonder what the hell have I been doing for the past 4 months. What have I been thinking for the past 1 year?

My head is throbbing. Its a Saturday morning and here I am, 3 am in the morning sitting in front of my computer blogging when I should be sleeping. Part of the reason for my throbbing head would probably because I haven't been sleeping normal since Monday.

I average 3 hours of sleep per day for this week.

This is crazy. No wonder my mind isn't working right now. Everything inside are tossed and turned..

Honesty

I wonder.. So many times for so many things.. How life would be like if we were all a little more honest with ourselves.

Being honest with our feelings..

Being honest with what we want..

Being honest with who we care about..

Being honest to those that matters..

Honesty.. is marvelous. Nothing feels better being honest, having to say, do and feel the things we actually do. But yet, it's something that most of us are unable to attain. We chose to lie about the things that matter to us, we chose to lie to hide our feelings, we chose to lie to protect ourselves..

Why oh why do we continue to live our lives as lies?

I wish I could go back in time and undo all that I have lied about, gaining back all that I have denied myself.

How I wish I could live with a little less regret. Regrets for what could have been, may have been, and might not be.

Perhaps one day.. I will tell the truth about everything I have chosen to lie about or hide. Perhaps then.. will I experience the freedom I have always been seeking.

Perhaps.

Irony

It was on the 20th of November, 2010 when we both went past the point of no return.

It was exactly 4 months later, 20th of February, 2011, that we both acknowledged that we have gone past the point of no return.

It's things like these that makes me believe that there is a higher power moving us along our predestined paths.

And as foolish and superficial and superstitious as I may sound, I truly, really, believe in it.

Let destiny guide us each to our destinations.

Perhaps you may be right, that we may end up crossing paths one day and regretting the choices we made today.

Perhaps we may end up together again, and go along as what we were destined to be once before.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

All I can say is, the future is uncertain. Miracles can and will happen. We'll never know.

Farewell

Well... Farewell.

There really isn't a lot that I can say. What you told me today in the living room, yeah. I feel the same too. It's just that I'm not sure I have the right to use the word anymore. But still..

I love you.

Very, very much.

To the point language is unable to truly define or describe it.

That's all I can say from the bottom of my heart.

I'm forever your Dear. As you are mine. No one else will ever be my Dear Dear. Only you. You are special, and will forever hold a place in my heart. For there is simply no comparison, as I said before.

That is why my tears flow. Because every time I think of how I hurt you, I just hate myself more. When I think back of all the times we've shared together.. it hurts to think that we will probably be unable to share anymore of it in the future.

Take care. I wish you all the best. I'll always be around if you need me. I'm just a call away. Else drop me an email/sms/whatever. I'll definitely reply.

But just before I wrap this post up.. I only have one thing to say, as I cannot say them in front of you:

"There are times when we have to make really hard choices, and today's was one of them. All I can say is, there are things in my heart which I cannot say or make known, at least not today."

From your Familiar Stranger,

20th February 2011.

P.S.: I saw your comment. Thank you. But I will not call you in the middle of the night to disturb your sleep. You can switch it off if you want.. but I really, really appreciate the thought. For your info.. I have never switched my phone off for the past 4 years (unless I have no choice).

Because you asked me not to. I still leave it on beside me whenever I sleep. And hence, should you ever wake up to nightmares, or get awaken by rain and lightning at night, or just want to hear a familiar voice in the middle of the night..

Keep calling. Until I wake up. I will definitely answer. For you.

Unsaid

I know. I understand so very well every word, every single letter you typed in your secret site.

But yet, as you keep thinking I am blinded, its not true. It's just a simple matter of fear.

No longer do I wanna hurt you.
No longer do I wanna break promises.
No longer do I wanna see you cry.
No longer do I wanna lie to you.

No more.

I choose to step away. From the first day I made my choice, I've been thinking about it over and over again. Whether my choice was right. But the simple fact that I did not choose otherwise proves that I chose to accept my choice.

I've told you before, there is no comparison. I thank you for all you've done for me, and the devotion you have to me.

Seek your happiness. I've never thought of my own happiness before, why should I now? The few times I tried was nothing but lies and attempts to believe that this world is a wonderful one. But that, by itself, is a lie.

I know, deep down, that I will disappoint you again. It would have been different before, but you chose to wait until it was all too late before you decided that we were worth the sacrifices you had to make. But now you do, but its too late.

Fate has decided to screw with us, brutally too. I cannot understand how something as simple as love can become so complicated.

It's probably all my fault. So be it. Let the future roll. Who knows how things will turn out?

Take care and all the best.

Prologue

It all began on a sunny island off the east coast of Malaysia, where a group of friends were embarking on their adventure organized by their school. In that group, there was a pair of strangers, a guy named Chaos and a girl named Sharon. Little did they know that, although nothing significant happened on their trip, it turned out to be a trip that would change their lives forever. They certainly enjoyed themselves, however.

But that's not the point. Weeks later, school re-opened, and that semester was project-based. Sharon was left without a group due to her friend being a bitch, wanting to join another group of students who had better grades. Chaos, being nosy as usual, invited her to join him in his group for the project. And thus their journey began.

In the weeks that passed, they spent almost everyday together working on the project their school had assigned to them. Finding each other's company pleasant, they got closer and more comfortable with each other. Chaos started to find this development interesting, and wasn't sure of his feelings. Yet things happened and fate decided things for him, and soon enough, Chaos and Sharon became a couple.

They were not to last however, as they started off thinking that "Yeah, never been in a relationship before, let's give it a try".

4 years later, everything came to a crashing end.