Farewell 2012

It's the end of 2012. A year of events, major life milestones, and friendships.
Every time I look back, every year feels shittier than the one before.
Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps I'm just grouching. Perhaps it's all true and I just forget the shit that happens.

Now, I feel at peace. For the longest time ever in my life, peace.
Doesn't mean that my problems are solved or gone. It's just then I've found my inner peace.
Come what may. I think I've decided already. There is no point in struggling when it results in nothing.

I'll just live by the lifehack I've found. I'm gonna refuse to work for what I want from now on.
Fate, it seems, enjoys making a slapstick comedy outta me. Hence I shall let it have its fun.
From now on, I'm gonna enjoy life as it is. No point trying to work for what I want when it gets denied constantly. To add insult to the injury, things which I don't wish for, comes easily to me.

Which makes others jealous, which makes them puzzle why do I continue to grouch despite all that I have.

Well, no one understands me. And I guess this will be the way it shall be till I'm nailed into my wooden bed. Seeing how December 21th was a hoax (not necessarily, but at least the world didn't end immediately), I guess I'm gonna have to start looking forward to a lifetime's worth of shit to endure.

Take care folks. This blog will become quite the hellhole for negativity. I hope there comes a day when I will let this blog lie obsolete while I channel my energy in starting a new one, using my grievances and suffering as inspiration and energy for the works which I've always wanted to begin and complete.

Good-bye 2012. I hope that from the next year on, everything changes.

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To anyone who stumbles across this blog or follows it.. and knows the author, I just wish to say this:

Please take the contents of this blog with a pinch of salt. Or heapfuls of it.

This blog is meant to be the darkest recesses of my soul, to contain the rage and sorrows that would otherwise come to bear on those I love. Already I am failing, without this, I dare not face the people in my life. Please don't take everything at face value and think badly of me. =) If you do, truly, you are a fool.

And once again, please do not assume to think that my posts are direct copies of my experiences. I've coloured them and rewrote them in ways that only I will understand. To assume and think that all I've written here is the truth is to be a fool.

Take care in 2013! =)


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Fragile

I'm back to where I was, a decade ago.

It's ironic. Everything is exactly the same. Boatload of problems, financial difficulties, fucked up friends, heartbroken, and a shitty relation with my dad.

Only difference is probably that I look better and am old now. Haha.

It took me years to recover. Hell, I can't even remember if I ever truly recovered. The events from ten years ago changed me, and made me who I am. Will this round of events serve to do the same?

I don't know.

I'm emotionally fragile right now. I've not felt this way in such a long time. Friendship has made me weak. The slightest prick right now will shatter me, just as it did before, so many years before.

Please. Anything but those days. Willpower kept me going, but I was younger, and I had the energy.

Now? I'm just a drained old man. I have hardly the mental sustenance to keep me going as I once did when u was young. The things that came into my life and held me up are tearing apart under the pressure.

How long more must I endure this? How much more bitterness and inequality must you let me suffer and witness before you will let me go? Until I breathe my last?

Is it not enough that you gave me knowledge and repeated lessons that all that I know is useless? That I'm condemned to live out my life as a useless individual destined never to accomplish anything? So much so that you must continually place stark reminders and temptations in my way to cause me more suffering? Why don't you just simply cut me open and salt me, since I'm nothing but an ulcer to you?

No, you're not God, for you're fucked up. But you sure as hell is a sonofabitch. Thanks.

Temper

I'm so pissed off tonight. Why? I don't understand.

I know I feel frustrated. By what?

To the Moon

To the Moon. Watch the trailer.

 
To the Moon - Trailer - Indie DB


To the Moon is an Indie game developed by Freebird Games, an RPG/adventure game about two doctors traversing backwards through a dying man's memories, in order to fulfill his last wish of going to the moon.

Introduction

Dr. Rosalene and Dr. Watts have rather peculiar jobs: They give people another chance to live, all in their head. But due to the severity of the operation, the new life becomes the last thing the patients remember before drawing their last breath.

This story follows their attempt to fulfill the dream of an elderly man, Johnny. With each step back in time, a new fragment of Johnny's past is revealed. As the two doctors piece together the puzzled events that spanned a life time, they seek to find out just why the frail old man chose his dying wish to be what it is.

And Johnny's last wish is, of course... to go to the moon.



Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_the_Moon_(video_game) :


Story

The premise of "To The Moon" is based around a technology that allows the construction of artificial permanent memories. Sigmund Corp., a company that uses this technology, offers the notion of "wish fulfillment" as a service to people on their death bed. Since these artificial memories are permanent, it sharply conflicts with the patient's real memories soon after the person awakens, which is why it is only done on those without much longer to live.

The story follows Dr. Eva Rosalene and Dr. Neil Watts—employed by Sigmund Corp.—as they fulfill the lifelong dream of the dying Johnny Wyles. Johnny's wish is simple: he wants to go to the moon; however he doesn't know why. To accomplish this task, the doctors must insert themselves into an interactive compilation of his memories and traverse backwards through his life via mementos. With each leap to an important moment in his mind, they learn more about the patient and what brought him to his current position in life. Upon reaching his childhood, the doctors attempt to insert his desire to go to the moon. The intention is that once the desire is implanted, Johnny's mind will create memories of a new life based on that desire, and he'll die believing he lived without any regrets.

But not everything goes as planned. The two doctors find themselves with a heavy mystery concerning Johnny's desire, his past, and his deceased wife, River. With the clock ticking, Dr. Rosalene and Dr. Watts must unravel Johnny's complicated past and do whatever it takes to send him to the moon.

Ending

It is finally revealed that Johnny and River had met as children at a carnival, and promised to "find each other on the rabbit's tummy" (the moon in a constellation they made up while stargazing together) if they ever got separated. Shortly after, Johnny's twin brother Joey is killed in an accident. Johnny's mother gives him beta-blockers to induce memory loss of the tragic event - with the side effect that he forgets River. While he later meets, romances, and marries her; she thinks he doesn't really love her because he forgot their first encounter, and, due to her condition (hinted to be a form of Autism or Aspergers, but never clearly stated) is unable to deal fully with the stress. This eventually leads, indirectly, to her death, and Johnny is left with lingering guilt and an unexplainable desire to go to the moon (the rabbit's tummy).

Rosalene and Watts eventually succeed at implanting a memory sequence that leads to John and River working together at NASA (though not romantically involved). As a comatose real life Johnny begins to die, he imagines going on a moon mission with River. During the stressful launch procedure, River holds out a hand to him. The moon appears in the background through a window on the ship, and he takes her hand as his heart monitor flatlines.

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I don't know why but this game just caught me by surprise and left me watching it in quiet contemplation. A simple game, and in the end, a sad, sad story about the love between a couple.

I don't know why but it resonates strongly within me.

I'm tired. I'll go to bed now.

Soul

What is the value and worth of your soul?

What would you trade it for?

What would make you give it up for?

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Time flies. Before I knew it, it's October. And my last update was late August, about a month and more.

I didn't even think about my blog anymore. Hence the reason for not updating it until now. Perhaps I've been too busy to think about blogging; perhaps I've had outlets for me to vent, or am just simply too tired to remember to blog.

Certainly, the month of August/September was rather tiring. I was assigned to shift-rotation for that period of time, and had to work 12 hours a day. Including the time spent on travelling, I spent easily 15 hours outside the house, and thus whatever little time I had left, was redundant (eating, sleeping, you know, human needs).

The off days that I got in exchange was spent doing things for others/myself, and the first day of every off period was half-spent on sleeping; there was never enough sleep to get around on those days that required me to go to work. I simply cannot get enough sleep during my workdays as I'm not someone who can go to work, go home and sleep, and wait for off-days to have some "me" time.

Therefore, the only alternative was to cut out time wherever I could, and that meant sleep deprivation.

The months took its toll on my body; I knew I had to cut out my habit and get in more sleep-time, else I would start to breakdown literally, and get sick. Thankfully, my shift-rotation days are over, and today marked the first day I officially stayed back at the office for OT without pay.

Thankless job.

Somethings to be happy about: Mists of Pandaria has been released, and it certainly is one hell of an expansion. The developers really put in their hearts and soul into it. It's beautiful in every way possible: your eyes and ears are overwhelmed by the asian-theme artwork and the re-mix of the orchestra, rock and chinese style music is simply awesome.

Words cannot describe it. One must experience it to understand it.

Other thankful stuff: I've finally gotten my life into some form of routine and schedule, and hence can better plan for my life. The important friends whom I've always wanted to get back into contact with has been done, and now I can be selective on what I wanna do.

Even more so, I'm now financially-free to do whatever I want. Although that term isn't used correctly, at least I get to spend MY money however I want and whenever I want without having to worry about where my next meal is coming from. The added bonus of being able to satisfy my WANTS for once is just icing on the cake.

I finally bought my own piece of Razer hardware for myself. A Naga Hex. Certainly, I'm not a Razer fan, but getting a really good mouse has been something I've always looked forward to.

Simple things in life. =)

I'm greedy, no doubt, just like everyone else. I've got my wish list too!

I want a new laptop, new watches, new clothes, new shoes (I FINALLY threw away 2 pairs of 6-year old shoes.. HAHA! Who wears shoes for 6 years? =X).

I want new gadgets, new phone, new earpieces, a place of my own, my car, or a bike.

I want to be able to get my own kitchen, to cook on my own, to have my own storage, to have a place where I am King.

I want my own room where I can FINALLY fulfill my wish of creating a bookshelf and stocking it with my favorite collection of novels and manga.

I want to create a play-room where its full of nothing but games of all sorts, board games, card games, computer games, console games, you name it.

I wanna go overseas with my friends to see the world, or lacking that, to enjoy the sights, smells, and sounds of beach-side resorts, basking in the sun, cooling waters and hot babes in bikinis all around.

I wanna have my turn at being the alpha male. Enough with loyalty. It is worth NOTHING. My faith died along with my heart and soul after all these years of betrayal and being taken granted for.

I have so many wants. And this is just my first step to getting it done.

My soul has been torn, tattered, and crushed into pieces. If this is the way life wants me to be, why should I be otherwise? Sincerity, passion and love has done nothing for me.

As it wishes to be, so it shall be.

I will have what I want. And nothing shall stop me.

Gaming

I suspect now I know what is it about games that attract me. Certainly, being an avid book reader, I love great stories and would kill to get to read one. Games take that one step further, allowing you to interact with the story characters and events directly, resulting in an immerse story-telling experience.

And yet, if that were to be the case, then my dedication to reading and gaming should be almost equal, shouldn't it? After all, the greatest titles in the world still exist in paper form and not in games, though that is not to say that games are inept in the storytelling arena.

I suspect, that a huge part of games that allures me is the fact that I can put in effort and obtain results that I desire. Achievement, virtual items, satisfaction, you name it. That isn't reflective of real-life, where many a times you're restricted and limited to boundaries and parameters that you can never break free from.

For example? Look at me, while I'm worrying and calculating my monthly income just so I can pay off my debts and also to live a proper life, I'm hearing my friends talking about how their shops and FACTORIES are faring. I mean, what? While the price of the shampoo I use is enough to make me concerned, my friends are now worrying about rental costs and setting up factories.

Like, what? We're all 25-year olds and living in the same country, right? Why such a massive difference?

But then again, I'm someone easily satisfied, hence it doesn't concern me. What makes me tick though, is how I wish for and desire something. Something which I know will likely never be mine. It cannot be bought, it cannot be alternated for, it cannot be obtained, by me anyway.

It is a paradox, for in order to obtain it, I need to get out of my current situation, but once I am out of my situation, will I still be needing it? And furthermore, the purpose of obtaining said objective is only of value here and now. If I can get it in the future, so what? It's meaningless.

It's just like education. My dad said this during a fight: "It's such a waste you're not a lawyer, given your talent and knack to find sources and logic to argue about." Certainly, I understand and I know I'm a wasted talent, being an engineer when I could have been something else, something much more. What am I to do, when I lack the resources and abilities when I was young to be able further that which would empower me?

All my choices in my entire life have been made for the sake of prosperity and for the urgency of the situation. Never have I been allowed to choose that which I wanted from the bottom of my heart, but then again, as I said, did I have the ability to make that choice?

No. Now, I do, in a way, but again, the situation is different. My needs have changed (certainly my wants still remains, that's a good thing though), but Needs always triumph Wants. Hence, the cycle continues.

I wish, if wishes could come true, for me to be granted this one desire at least. I guess I'm alright with life's imbalances and injustice; all I pray for is for me to be able to catch my breath and take a break. I just want this little part of my life to be perfect, just so that I can address everything else.

I truly don't think it is too much to ask for. I just wish.. and will continue to wish for it to come true.

When I look back and think, will I remember what I wished for?

Decision

It's time.

I'm done trying to be happy.

I'm gonna be happy from now on.

Sure, I was happy, then it got taken away from me. Somehow I found it again, and once again, it was taken away from me.

Since I'm in an unhappy state right now, I guess its better to just be happy once more.

Afterall, if it gets taken away again, I'll just become happy once again. =)

An endless cycle, maybe. But it doesn't matter.

I will be reborn.

Come 2013. I will never be the same again.

Listless

I didn't know what to do today.

Everything that I pined for, everything that I was looking forward to, everything I wanted to do.. It all just evaporated into thin air, with me sitting there, right in front of my computer, wanting to do something.

I don't know what I should do anymore. I hardly have time for myself, and when I do, I just wanna do nothing. Perhaps at the end of the day, all I really wanted was time to myself. But then, I just spend it doing nothing. Just sitting there, thinking about stuff, and wasting my time away.

Funny how everything ends up like this. My plans, my ideas, my energy, my hopes and dreams, my future. It's all so full of details and enthusiasm, and yet when the moment arrives for it to actually occur, it all just evaporates, disappearing like a dream after you wake.

I wanted a lot of things, and I never got most of them. The few that I did get, were things I got for myself, or fought for personally.

I too, was given a lot of things. Several taken for granted too, no doubt. I wouldn't say that I didn't receive handouts from people who did nothing but just give, but the problem is: I didn't need those handouts. Sure, I know of people in my life who'd say that people chose what they gave to me because they saw what I needed and gave it to me, instead of letting me have what I wanted cause that wasn't what I needed. (confused? it's intended. =P)

I've said it many times before and I'll say it again. I am a simple person, with simple wishes. Everyone who's heard me say this disagree saying that I'm not. That I'm a complex person with complex wants and desires.

To them I say: No. You don't understand me.

Because sometimes, simplicity in itself, is a complexity.

People have forgotten what it's like to be simple. People have forgotten what simplicity really is. People are used to complexity that it has become the new simplicity, making the original simplicity look complicated.

Don't believe me? Try this: Ask ANY youngsters on how to use a smartphone, and you'll get educated on how to use one really quickly. Now try asking them to teach you to use an old phone, or those INO-phones used by the elderly (those big buttoned, plain black-and-white LCD display screen phones) and see how they end up.

They actually find a smartphone easier to use and teach than an older phone. But the smartphone is a complicated device.

It's just like the calculator and the abacus. Anyone can use a calculator, most don't know how to use an abacus! And what's an abacus? A tray of beads used for counting since thousands of years ago?

I'm sure that years later, when everyone else is more matured, then will they see the point of my arguments. I tire of explaining myself and trying to knock sense into people. It's draining to play the teaching role to everyone, everytime. Until then, stay confused then. I just giving up day after day.

The poison takes its toil, corrupting the soul. 
Faith is lost, little by little, every day.

Remember

Will people still remember me if I disappeared into the void?

Fight

Had a shouting match with my dad last night.

As usual, I lost. The same old dad >>>>> son theory, and that I'm either:

1. Mad
2. Argumentative
3. Stupid
4. Play too much games

The list goes on, I refuse to waste my time adding on to a already retarded list.

I guess enough is enough. As always, nothing pleases him, he never listens and everyone but him is wrong.

Sure, have it your way. I guess Burger King would probably be his favourite restaurant. I care not anymore.

All my life, I've done things I'm proud of but refuse to talk about, simply because, I didn't do it for recognition, I did it out of concern, out of respect and out of goodwill.

If my efforts that I put in to make your life slightly easier while making mine sucks is of so little consequences to you, fine.

So be it. I shall live for myself from now onwards.

You dare to make your big claims that you don't care, you don't expect anything, blah blah blah.

Sure, w'll see.

Convocation

=) It's my convocation day! Graduated with my degree and all, minor in business being fine print and shit. hahahaha.

My big bro said to me this: "What next? You've come to the end now. Are you prepared?" I guess he'll never know what came to my mind when he said that. Certainly, he was referring to careers and the end of my student life, but to me, I was thinking what all this studying meant to me.


I wanted to know why I even bothered working so hard and trying so long. I thought about the years of my education; 18 years in total, if you include kindergarten, 16 if not.


16 long years. Discounting the first 6 years of "Do as you're told", and going onto my Secondary education where I disagreed and didn't find the motivation to study, I've completed a decade worth of pointless education, education I didn't believe in.


I wonder why I did it? Sure, I was interested to learn more, and though self-learning was viable, a formal education would instill in me the discipline to actually study, plus it would be worth something, at least. But to think of the real "why?"... I laughed.


I studied because I wanted to prove to the people that doubted me (particularly my father), by dismissing my grades and branding me "useless" back when I received my GCE 'O' Level results. He probably didn't know I swore to myself I'd put him in his place by securing a place in the local universities, then graduate just so that he would eat his own words.


Strangely, as much as it took me 6 long years (with a 2 years gap of slavery to fulfill to my damned country) to achieve that, I didn't feel satisfied that I did it. I didn't even recollect that I made this oath until I started this blog entry. Haha! I guess seeing the changes in him and the current state of affairs kinda made me look beyond my personal agendas.


So what was it that pushed me to keep going when I wanted to give up so many times? I really don't know. I tried attributing it to my silly wish of proving to everyone in my life that gaming has got nothing to do with academical performance or grades, and yeah, to be honest, it came really close.


But no. I can tell it's not. And I still have no idea why then.


My mom made a statement about me: "Hey boy, you don't make many friends huh? I don't see you running about taking pictures with others like that ways others are."


I made bullshit excuses talking about how I was camera-shy, and that I have yet to start taking pictures and told myself inside that I just didn't want to socialize.


But the truth was: she's right. The glaring example she used about my little sister running around taking pictures with almost everyone during her own graduation ceremony did nothing more than to remind me of the cruel realities of choosing to shut myself up. Sure, I may blame the "mask" effect of everyone faking appearances in universities as a convenient way of justifying myself, but I know it isn't true.


In fact, had I wanted to, I could. I knew maybe half the people that were there, but somehow, I just didn't feel like it.


The whole ceremony felt so empty. I felt that everything was pointless. I knew that others than the picture taking I had with my close uni-friends and my family, I would be doing nothing but faking smiles because I simply wasn't happy at all.


It just feels so empty, so pointless, such a waste of time.


I'm seeing people posting about how important today was to them, how today was their most proud moment (I gotta be snide and elitist here, but I gotta laugh. HAHAHA! Earning a degree is your proudest moment?! You certainly have a long way to go in achievements, my dear.)


And yet I beg to differ.


Perhaps its my non-existant commitment or fear of education that has isolated me from feeling any positive feelings towards having it end. Sure, I put in effort during my universities days (else I'd fail!), but then again, they weren't exactly effort that I'd want people to know about. I know my nonchalant attitude towards studying has earned me haters on more than an occasion, and hence I'd just keep mum about how easy it is to not study and still score OK.

I don't really see the reason for making this post today. But well, I guess I just wanted to talk about it. I have no one I can talk to anyway, no one I can pour my sorrows to and just simply talk without fear of repercussions or hurt feelings or the danger of betrayal, so this is probably gonna be my treasure vault of rants and secrets.

How much more until my dreams can come true? Or it is an impossible dream that I'm just foolishly pursuing?

On a brighter note; I took a very special photo with a special person today. =) Thanks. You have no idea the turmoil of emotions you left spinning in my head, but I welcome it. I missed you, silly. To make me wanna laugh and cry at the same time, I guess you're the only one.. haha! =)

Empty

Looking at other people's blogs.
Looking at other people's facebook profiles.
Looking at other people's tweeter posts.
Looking at other people's pictures.

I envy.

I always wonder why is it that I do not have such happy and wonderful memories. And I envy.

I thought I could be better after all that has happened. Apparently, I was wrong. Not to say that now is better or worse than before, but certainly, I've yet to reach the place I wanna go.

Feeling so empty. Lacking the motivation to continue. Wanting to end it all.

Why? People tell me "good things come to all who waits". Sure, how come you're all so sure of that? Even so, why do I have to be kept waiting? 


Why do I have to look on as others live out their lives of bliss and joy while here I am looking on, green with envy, on the sidewalks?

Why do I have to keep taking over people's hand-me-downs and hand-me-outs?

Why must I keep on waiting and waiting only to despair further as I see my chances diminishing?

Am I so much of a pauper and beggar that I never deserve something new, something pure, something honest and good?

Have I done so much wrong that I do not deserve anything?

If so, fine, so be it my punishment then. But why then, do I see sinners and evil-doers getting the best of everything?

How is it that following my principles and the path of "good" as was instilled in me, a bad choice?

I hate this world.

Sorrow

I swear, from now on, come what may: No more Mr. Nice Guy.

I've had enough being on the losers' end. This ends today.

Depression

I have no fucking idea why.There aren't enough happy things to keep me going anymore.

Games, manga, books, sports, friends, outings, you name it.

Nothing cheers me up anymore.

Sure, I'll laugh and smile and even cry from the funnies, but they're no longer happy stuff anymore. I get depressed and emotional and sensitive even more easily nowadays. Even obsessively gaming no longer helps.

I need an alternative, and I need it soon. I know my mind is breaking. I need to stem the tide before it breaks.

Opportunity?

It's crazy. So much to happen in a week. Why must everything happen all at once?!


Sent out multiple resumes, got a job interview and a follow-up offer after that, at Seagate too, relatively prestigious, I'd say.


Then here comes another opportunity. AFTER I signed my contract with Seagate.


GRRRR!~! WTF?!

But then again I DO need the money.

I'll have to wait for awhile for things to stablize before I can further my plans.. but will opportunity wait?

Hah. doubt so.

Oh well..

Just wanna be happy.

Title says it all.

Just wanna be happy.
Don't wanna think sad.
Just wanna be happy.
Don't wanna think bad.

Just wanna be happy.
And make merry.
Just wanna be happy.
And stay merry.

Just wanna be happy.
But I cannot.
Just wanna be happy.
But I could not.

Just wanna be happy.
Not even asking for much.
Just wanna be happy.
Giving my best and all.

Just wanna be happy.
But some people just don't want it to be.
Just wanna be happy.
But some people just want me to not be.

Just wanna be happy.
Just wanna be happy.
Just wanna be happy.

Just happy.

Results

YES! Right tonight on the 24th of May, 2012, I've officially graduated from Nanyang Technological University!!

I'm a Second Class: Lower Honours student!! Awesome!

I didn't think that I could pull myself back up and hence I gave up. But like multiple times in my life, as it has been taught to me, is NEVER to try for anything. Whenever I put in effort for something, it doesn't happen.

Fuck that. I slack and laze around and I get EVERYTHING I want. How awesome is that? These past 5 years   in the Army and my studies have taught me that effort is worthless and unrecognized. This is how I'll roll from now on.

Job hunting time!

爱如潮水

Life, life, life. you're one ironic asshole.

This is one of the earliest songs I learnt to sing as a child, never knowing its meaning.

Yet here I am, nearly 20 years later, understanding the full meaning and impact of this song, and hah; how true, how true.

I would tear if I could, but it seems that they've ran out of supplies.

(I still remember me singing this song, badly out of tune at Raffles Place, with my family. I vaguely remember we were lost/waiting for someone to go somewhere, with the adults being fed-up. Memories.. the most heart-warming yet heart-breaking thing to ever exist in our hearts..)

Forest

Once upon a time, a fruit farmer, wanting to start a fruit farm, went to choose a tree in a forest.

The forest was amazing. It teemed with life, and is filled with a huge variety of trees. A lot of them had fruit farmers working on it, trying to harvest the fruits/seeds, or taking care of the tree in hopes of causing it to bloom.

Some of the trees were young, some were old. Others looked vibrant, while some looked like they were dying. The awful ones were diseased, but yet were able to conceal their sickness somewhat by bearing colorful fruits and pretty flowers that never lasted.

Taking his time to pick, the farmer came across a simple and plain tree. It had no redeeming feature, and did not show any signs of bearing fruits nor flowers. But something about the tree attracted the farmer, and he chose to stay with the tree.

Over time, the farmer spent time and love on the tree, coaxing it to grow, supplying it with water, fertilizer, and most importantly, love. The tree began to grow, but still there were no signs of fruit-bearing. The farmer started to wonder if he made the right choice.

Regardless, he pressed on, believing his choice correct.

True enough, eventually, the tree showed signs of flowering. It grew a bunch of beautiful flowers and it captivated the farmer. Delighted, the farmer went on his work with renewed focus, happy to see results begin to flourish.

However, things were not to be. Everyday, the farmer had to travel through parts of the forest in order to look for fertilizer, water, and return home. During his travels, he encountered different types of trees, and even grew to know and understand some of them, especially those that were close to his life. Seeing how these trees flowered and bore fruits, the farmer couldn't help but turn green with envy, especially so when they belonged to other farmers.

Yet, he persevered. Believing in the tree, he kept to his tasks, showering it with love and attention.

Time passed, and bit-by-bit, the tree grew, and bore even more flowers, but still, no fruit.

The farmer was despairing. All the other trees around him had grown large and healthy, bearing loads of fruits and causing endless joy for their respective farmers. The tree that the farmer chose still stubbornly refused to bear fruit, and hence the inevitable came: the farmer left.

The reason for his departure was simple. He had sought out other trees and found one that was able to bear fruits with little coaxing. Of course, there was a price to pay for having such easy fruits: they were not as tasty as other fruits and sometimes turned out to be bad. The tree also showed evidence of having previous farming owners, and hence it's quality and lifespan would definitely be much shorter.

The farmer, despite this, was happy with his find. Simply because he didn't seek a tree that was perfect. He just wanted a tree that would belong to him exclusively. He didn't care how the fruits it bore was like, as long as it was edible. But as with all humans, there are always regrets and reservations that one would keep when it came to items and assets of sentimental value.

The stubborn tree was left abandoned. Other prospective farmers came along, and were either turned off by the tree's apparent lack of fruit-bearing abilities, or just couldn't manage to coax the tree into growing any further.

The tree began to leak sap throughout its body, and it flowed with ease, daily. Its bark and branches turned brittle and broke away, leaving behind holes that wind could pass through. And when the wind did, it gave off an eerie whistling sound, akin to that of a whispering cry.

To date, the whispers of a crying tree could still be heard, rustling through the green forest, ever-teeming with life and beauty.

Unconditional

Unconditional.

That's what's stopping me from going back.

Having traveled this far down this bumpy road, I've come to realize why I chose to stay put. It's all because of what I'm getting. You're right, I thought of it myself too.

Perhaps she's just not being picky because she knows she has no right to choose.
Perhaps she's simply resigned to fate and feels that she shouldn't choose.
Perhaps she's doing this just for show, only to reveal her true self later.
Perhaps she's just decided that she found what she wanted.

But hey, lots of questions we can ask, all the time. But on my end, you're right. I deserve better, she doesn't deserve, etc, etc.

Thinking about it for awhile now, I know what is it that draws me to her and keeps me there. Conversely, it's what pushing me away from you and making me stay, too.

The title says it all.

Unconditional. That's how I want my love to be. And that's how I feel, love, should be.

But you, you didn't see it. You saw your love as concern, as putting me on a top priority, as being how a family member should be. You're not wrong, but you're not completely how a family should be, precisely because you   didn't love me unconditionally. It's always something-for-something with you. You're only giving in when you see changes. You only change when you're happy with me about something. You only decide to give me something when I gave given you something else.

It's always: "I wanna see you do something before I'll give you what you want/deserve."

In fact, this post probably sums up all of the problem I have with you, minus the frustrations, emotions and words. This is the root cause of our split. Because for everything you've done for me, it's a return, not a gift.

And the way I see it, you'll never change. Especially of all the people in this world, you will never change. Because your greatest strength is also your fatal weakness: Your persistence.

Last when we spoke, you agreed that I've done all that I could. Why? Simply because of this one word:

Unconditional. The way it should be. And you know exactly what I mean.

Age

My god. Is it just me, or are ALL (almost all) my friends looking like middle-aged uncles and aunties?

I look in the mirror and I neither feel old or look old. How's that possible that my same aged friends could look that old? It's crazy.

And meh. New blogger interface. Need to relearn the basics again. Meh.

Teach me..

... how to be happy.

... how to forget.

... how to ignore.

... how to move on.

... how to be satisfied.

Warmth

It's amazing. On one of the lowest points in my life, things just happened all at once. Like someone orchestrated the events and made it come true.

I'm speechless. Certainly makes you question the existence of God, but yes, these events have done nothing but strength my faith and belief that religion is bullshit.

They have their basis but they're misguided. I'm sure of that now. The signs I'm seeing and the "joining the dots" of my past is beginning to show me something frightening.. Something I'd like to brush and say: "Meh. Not true, never gonna happen.", but.. a part of me is telling me that I'm just self-denying.

"If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

Truer words have never been spoken.

---------------------

To you, my dear, I dedicate this post to you.

I'm still saying the same things I said 2 years ago. You don't understand me. And I understand you. You wanted to provide for me the warmth that I never felt. And I know it, and I respected, understood, and loved it. I know your basis for the things you do, I see the sparkle in your eyes, I see the tiredness in your steps seeing the things you do for me.

I answered, with my own style. I gave what I can, I gave what I had. You know this, and you cannot deny it. However, there were times you were overly oppressive, and you refused to acknowledge it. Speaking of acknowledgement, you never acknowledged me. You never showed me the signs, neither through actions or words, that yes, you understand what I see you as, and behaved accordingly.

Hence you said, the words and actions I chose to undertake hurt you, deemed your actions fake, unnecessary and useless. I'm sorry, my words were never of that intention. It was you who over-read things, and even if you didn't, hah. Why didn't you take my words into consideration then, and improved yourself?

You said this: "Everytime he mentions to me 'Hey I've been staying for half the week, I need to go home', I feel that my efforts are wasted.", do you even know, why I say that? If I had enjoyed myself thoroughly, why would I wanna do that? But I didn't enjoy myself. Why is that?

Is it because I feel that it's OK to leave you alone?

Is it because you were not doing enough for me?

Is it because I hated being around you?

Then answer me:

Why do I rush to you whenever you complain of cold, loneliness or pain?

Why do I do the housework chores on your behalf, cooking for you so you have warm food in your stomach when you're home, why do I clean up your room before you got back to SG?

Why do I chose to spend all my weekends, holidays, my free time with you? Remember my two-years of slavery? I spent EVERY goddamn weekend available for you.

Once I even went to you despite my high fever because I had a nights out from the army. Sure, you took care of me, got worried for me, but ever considered that despite my fevered state, you were the first person I thought of? I could've went to a doctor's. I could've went home. I could've stayed in camp and sleep. I didn't. My first thought was: "I promised to go find you. I will". Even my mom didn't know of that incident of me catching high fever under years later.

You are always fixated on what you're doing well, what you're excel at, and how good you are. But you didn't consider what's making you bad, what's making me upset, what's causing me to get disappointed. And it's bad enough that, despite my recognition of all the good you've done, the bad-side of you offsets every good thing you've done, hence we came to an end 2 years ago.

Did you not consider that your "bad's" are so bad that it caused us to be like this? You constantly accused me of not loving you enough. You complain that I don't understand you, and don't know you're suffering (pain or whatever it may be). How am I supposed to know if you didn't tell me?! And pray tell me, how am I supposed to "love you more" when I've already done all I could? Sure, you'd like me to fetch you the moon and such, but hey, have you ever done what you should, as a lover, to make me wanna go to such ends for you? Have you?

You say that you're afraid to let go and try again. You're afraid of being hurt again. Well guess what? You're right to be afraid. I said it so may years ago, and I'll say it again. You're right, I'm not the awesome perfect boyfriend, but my words stand: you'll never find another person like me who can be this serious and this devoted. For 4.5 years, FYI. Try doing what you did to me to another person and let me see how that guy can hold up for 4.5 years. Go ahead. Prove me wrong.

You've taken everything away from me. You think that I'm the only one who took and lost nothing? Well look again. We've both lost. You're not the only one on the losing end.

I don't hate you for who you are. I hate you for not recognizing what I've done for you over the years. And continue to say that I've not done enough or that I didn't see what you've done for me. You're always "I, me, myself". Hence why I said you're a hypocrite. Sure, you've done lots for me, but because of that, you only see what you've done for me and feel: "OK, enough from me, I wanna see what you have." You're still like this, 2 years on.

If you wanna question why I never went back? It's simple because I don't see you changing for the better. I don't see you changing to the point that: "Yes, we have a chance now". No, you still haven't. As for me changing? I've already said this, and I'll say again:

Prove me that I'm wrong and I'll change for you. My temper is one I'm constantly trying to change and keep in check. What else need I change for you? Haven't I already done my best for you, which you yourself admitted that everything else was fine? You're just being greedy aren't you? And if, me being myself, not changing, results in your feelings of loss when we broke up, haven't that told you volumes about who needs changing?

I'll just ask you this one last question then, if you're reading:

"If your grandma was still around and she knows about us, what would she tell you? To change? Or to leave me?"

You think about it. I know your grandma for just awhile, and I know how much she loves you. To tell her beloved grand-child to change for a man is impossible, because no man would be worthy of you. But you and I both know what her answer would be. Not because I'm worth it. But because we all know you have a character issue and needs to change.

Last Straw

So my dad wakes up @ 6 am in the morning, sees me sitting in front of my computer, the first thing he says is:

"That's it, goddamn you. Making so much noise. I've had enough. This is your last chance. IF I ever catch you again, I'm throwing your computer and phone and everything away."

Yep.

Say that to my face after you stay up the whole fucking night working.

Say that again to my face after you've been accused of making noise when the whole night you did nothing but read and type.

Say that again to my face when you realize you're all alone when old and no one wanna take care of you.

Say that again to my face when it's storming outside and all you wanna do is snuggle in bed and sleep, but you can't due to work.

Fuck you. The last straw for you? Same for me. Enough of accusations. You think you're right?

Well, FUCK YOU.

I'll get lost as you wanted. OK. Thanks! Bye.

The Last Sprint

Unless I take a Master's Degree or Ph.D course in future.. This is it.

The final stretch and the final sprint to the end. Graduation, and my student life ends.

And hoo boy. This final stretch is CRAZZZYY.

I have a ton shit of back-to-back projects/assignments/tests to complete and clear the week after. Thankfully I cleared one 4.5k word report already, so it ain't that bad.

Still..

Oh well. Academia aside, personal life's big bomb is a-incoming.

1x Super Large Emo Bomb coming up! With future repercussions to come!

I just wish I could tell my dad so much, that I don't give a fuck about my future. But that'll break his heart. Damnit.

Civilisation

‎"Why have a civilization if we're no longer interested in being civilized?"

Gosh, I wanna watch this movie.

Perfection

In many things, in many ways,

I wonder often.

For what am I trying so hard for?

Effort put in, effort made.

But in the end,

All is for naught.

I always believed that hardworking people's beliefs are real, and that I'm lazy.

So as much as I am lazy, there are things that I never give up, and is constantly trying.

To the point, I may say, that I am overdoing things.

But yet I still go on.

Sometimes however, I wonder why, for what and how come.

Why I continue to strive and work so hard for.

When nothing happens; nothing appreciated.

I've been given an analysis before: it's because of my hardwork that my standards are too high for most people. And that they dare not try to appreciate what there is. Fearing that they do not qualify.

I ask then, as I ask now.

If my work is to be so superior to the point that people dare not get close to, then for what am I striving towards perfection for?

If perfection meant that it becomes a meaningless piece of art for others to look and stay away from, then perfection is not what I need.

But yet if I stay away from perfection, will I be able to get the attention I want then?

Sinister

If only the world knows what's going on in my head.

Everything is either going according to plan.. or has been thought of.

Let's see how things turn out.. =)

201

I've gotta learn to do something about my timing. It's always around this period of the day that I get depressed and emo over every and any damn thing.

It's like, 1 - 3 AM is my emo period, 3 - 4 AM is recovery, then from 4 AM onwards, my study period. Yes, my study period begins at 4 AM. It's the only damn time I noticed that I can really sit down and study shit. Gawd.

I hate mornings, and have subconsciously adjusted my life away from mornings.. haha. It's a good thing I guess. =) I still remembered how I tried to do this years before but got stopped by someone. Mornings are fine, nice sometimes even, but I still prefer to solitude of the night.

And the irony is, as much as I prefer solitude, I wish for company. I envy how my friend(s) can interact with others and make lasting friendships so easily. Perhaps they're extroverts; that's why, but somehow, something tells me that it has got nothing to do with my introvert self; it has everything to do with me.

Did a sample MSAT (MenSa Assesment Test) today, both international and the lame 8 figured question, SG-version. I scored 28/30 for the international one (One on anagrams which I couldn't solve without Google's help, the other a careless mistake).

Makes me wonder if I should go take the test. It costs $45/student and $60/adult, and I wonder if its worth it at all. My friend's been asking me to give it a try, but hmm, I truly wonder at its authenticity, because all I see is a society full of stuck-up assholes who think they're really smarter than 98% of the population making themselves feel better about their "smarts".

The next test is in April this year in Suntec. Perhaps I should take it just to have something to brag about in my resume. Haha. But yet I'm lazy to and don't wanna spend that money. Heh.

BTW, the post title refers to the 201th post I've made in this blog since its opening in January 8th, 2005.

=) Interesting date. I never noticed it until today. Heh. Brings back memories.. And how I'm sure this blog would die off after I enlisted. It did, as I predicted, but I just never expected to come back to it again.. =)

Oh well. Time for bed.

Era

I don't remember if I've told anyone about this.. perhaps I did, in a nonchalant way.

I don't fit in this era. My way of thinking and beliefs, my hopes and dreams, my ambition, interests and passion.. They don't fit in this era. All I've been doing since I've started to assert myself and working towards my goals.. is trying to "fit in".

Maybe it's due to my nature,

maybe it's due to my "smarts",

maybe it's due to my ability to adapt,

maybe it's due to my drive to keep going..

But recently, I keep wondering what's the point of it all.

I don't like my life. I don't like the way things are. I know, most people don't like it either, but this isn't a post to bitch about "Oh, life is so unfair to me".

It's just that, what I'd rather do, what I believe in.. are things that no longer matter, or valued, in this era.

If I were in a different time frame, or the future I believe to come, I think, feel and truly believe, I'll thrive.

It's depressing, to see the things I believe in wasted, the values I uphold sneered at, the faith I have destroyed. This is a world where scumbags thrive. I can be one, if I force myself, as I can feel myself slowly changing.. but the thing that keeps holding me back is the question:

"Is this what you want, truly?"

And it is one question I dare not face.

For if I do not change, I will perish.

But yet if I do, my soul will perish.

I'm fucked, truly.

Why am I forced to make these decisions again and again? I don't see people having this many major crossroads in their lives. Why? Because they're simple-minded? Because I think too much? Because other people just don't give a fuck?

If I was Christian people would probably tell me "Oh, God's testing you, stay true.", but yet, even from a religious context, am I even doing the right thing staying the way I am?

Truly, I was amazed back then when a certain someone told me about her observation of me. I never knew that I gave people an image like that. She was saddened, because she said that I was slowly changing into someone that was no longer as amazing. That I was becoming a scumbag. And that worries me.

As much as I can feel myself changing, I can never tell how much I've changed. So who or what am I now? I'm making choices now based on my beliefs, as I've always had, and I've never been disappointed at the consequences even if they were dire.

My dad asked me simple questions that I couldn't answer. He could never understand that the answers I gave don't just relate to the question at hand. No, my choices in my relationship, career choices, studies don't impact just these areas in my life only. They have an impact on everything, and how am I to explain why so?

How am I to tell him, without breaking his heart, that I give no damn about my life, my future?

How am I to get my dad to understand that, I do not wish for "the simple way out" life?

How am I to make him understand that, I can conform to society, I can adapt, and that it's my choice not to do so?

How can I tell him that he's giving me stress on a choice that's gonna make or break the rest of my life, and not a simple "you're being a retarded rebel"?

Who the fuck understands me? No one. Then at least respect me enough to make my own decisions, since you're not helping.

I thought I'd found my soulmate. Haha. Yes, questions answered, but now there are more questions then answers. Questions that no one asks because no one cares.

But I do. I care. And that's why I'm suffering so.

Because this isn't an era where one should be caring.

Home

Someone once said to me:

"Do you even understand how it feels like to have a home but be unable to return to it?"

"Do you know how bad it feels to be homesick but not being able to do a damn thing about it?"

"How could you understand how I feel when you have a home to return to anytime you want?"

Yes, I've been through this before, but I guess, with recent events, I'd like to print my thoughts down on paper (or e-paper, since this is a blog).

My reply was simple:

"What makes you think I have a home? Just because it's a place, full of people I call 'family' doesn't makes it a 'home'. You're the one who doesn't understand, simply because you're homesick and have an awesome home/family. You don't have to deal with the shit I have to deal with, you don't experience the kinda feelings I get when I return home to a place where I don't belong, you don't understand how out of place it's like when you go 'home' and have no place of your own. You just don't."

My message, still stands.

From today onwards, I'm not gonna be home whenever I can. The only times I'll be home is when my sister/brother is out and I can make use of their room to shut myself in (Keyword here: THEIR ROOM). Staying in the open/living room was apparently a bad idea; why the fuck would I wanna stay in the common area and leave my stuff in the open for everyone to see when I'm a freakin' personal person?

Reason simply being: I wanted to have interactions with the family!

Guess what? Fuck this shit. My actions, thoughts and efforts are misunderstood and unappreciated? Sure. Fuck all these then. For fuck am I doing all these shit for? I prefer to shut myself off and be alone. Perfect! Trying to be different for my family is unwanted? Sure. Most honored and happy to change back to what I want.

So dad, You want your "peaceful" home? You have it. Take it. I'm the chaotic element; I'll leave.

Though the irony at how your disrupt your own peace due to your own screwed up mind set never fails to amaze me.

Just think about it: When you have 6 kids, 5 of them leaving the house for their own lives and wanting less to do with the house? You go figure what's wrong.

Since your last kid wanted to make a difference, but instead everything turned to shit? Sure, who am I to argue or fight against the tides for? I'll use your own words: "Change: When the wind changes, turn your sails to match it".

I'll do that. I'll join my brothers and sisters and leave. I feel better that way.

Thanks indeed.

As for you, the one who thinks I'm so lucky to have a home to return to? You'll never understand. Yes, I don't have to deal with broken family, etc, whatever. But hah! How's this any different from a broken family?

Whatever. Just a few more months to graduation and I'm getting the fuck out. Freedom to do whatever I want.

Bursting

There's so much I wanna say, so much I wanna rant, so much pent up inside me that I am going to burst anytime soon.

This blog isn't sufficient, and I wonder why. I don't wish to talk to thin air. Facebook posting doesn't help either, neither do I wanna make emo posts all day and irritate the fuck out of people that aren't interested.

I need someone to talk to who cares about me.

Haha. The irony. Knowing that people who cares exist but unable to tell them everything.

The only 2 people in this world that I was able to rant to turned out to be my greatest sources of sorrow instead. Hah.

Irony, irony.

Shitstorm

And it hits, unexpected, today, for no reason, in a form I had never considered:

My dad.

Wow. Life continues to surprise me. Gotta love it.

Naive

Crying.

Crying, crying, crying.

The tears just come and go, like a little baby.

"Naive.", I said. "You're too naive.", I said.

Coming to think of it, I think I'm the naive one.

I expected everything to be simple (what is?), to be clear (when has it ever?) to be perfect (hah!).

But I end up loving and hating the both of them.

One of them, took my loyalty, happiness and future away.

The other, took my faith, trust and sincerity.

Tears keep falling. I am breaking.

Looking at the pictures I salvaged from my old computer (which I never thought would ever be possible again).. Only served to remind me of what was taken from me.

No. I do not blame them for the entirety of what I am today. For I made my choices and hence arrived at the conclusion that is now.

But in the process of moving together towards the future, I still don't understand.

How can one claim to love so much, yet take so much away from me, hurting me in the process? I am always willing to give, is that my fault? Being to trusting and giving when I shouldn't have? To love truly and deeply and be accused of "you don't love me enough", "you make me insecure", "you're always dating other girls"...

What? I've never once betrayed you! Why do I have to face such shit from you?

"Stay happy", my friend said.

"I wish him happiness", she said.

Hah. Bullshit.

I've lost my happiness 2 years ago.

It's never coming back, even if I make the choices to go back. Cause it has been taken away from me. Never to return again.

This is what you never knew you took from me. This is the hurt you've dealt to me. This is the pain you've never knew or seen me bear.

For why would you? You're always assuming, assuming, assuming. Yep. You still are. So go on, enjoy yourself. Continuing assuming the way you always have.

You think I'm having fun, I don't deny.

You think I'm enjoying myself, I don't deny.

You think I'm happy.

You're wrong.

You have no idea how I grasp at straws and desperate means and measures to make myself "happy".

You have no idea how I live day-to-day lying to myself telling myself to be happy, to find funny things to laugh at, to waste my time, life and effort all just to "be happy"

You have absolutely no idea how much time I think about stuff. Over and over and over again in my fucking brains when I'm sleeping/eating/studying/playing/talking/chatting/stoning/you name it.

And you say I hate you.

Why do you think I hate you?

Why do you think I won't hate you when you've taken my happiness away?

Why do you think I won't hate you when I put all of myself into the gamble that was June '10?

Fuck you.

I am broken. You win. You've defeated me.

You're right, she would hurt me, she did. Only that I don't regret it. Cause my happiness no longer exists anyway.

I never had a choice in the matter. Never. It was all you, you and you.

You didn't know, despite how you may claim, the choices I made time and again for you.

Did you so naively think that we could possible walk down this long long path for so long so stably without me pulling strings?

You never knew.

You never knew.

You'll never know.

SMS

22nd February 2012, 2:04AM

Sunny Day with Rain (wonder how that works o.O)

----------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary,

Today marks the first time in my life where I actually waited for people to SMS (i.e. Short Message System, or aptly, Texting) me. And it didn't happen. Been waiting for it since 7 in the evening yesterday until now, 2 in the morning. I still didn't get my SMS(s) and I wonder what happened.

Ok, I think I lied. I've probably waited before for people to text me back with regards to some plan, or is awaiting some form of reply, or something else.

Back to the topic: A certain someone was supposed to get back to me with regards to plans tomorrow (i.e. today) and I've been waiting to know when and where we're supposed to meet. I have an issue with sleeping and waking hours, and hence must know the time and place to meet beforehand.

The result? A high likelihood that I'll be in dreamland until 2 PM in the afternoon tomorrow, most likely too late to do anything, or I've overslept people's expectations of me showing up early in the afternoon/morning (which is an almost impossible thing).

So.. fine. What's done is done, I suppose to culprit in question is sleeping and hence I'll probably just text her anyway later before I sleep (or something) and hope I get woken up by the text notification the next day morning.

The other SMS was I waiting for.. was kinda a reply. It's probably my bad since I didn't exactly key in my previous messages as a question.. more of a statement, an angry one at that. Still, I would've expected a reply or an extortion of some kind.. but I didn't get any.

A probable reaction I got was very likely in the form of a facebook update saying:

"I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired. I just wanna sleep. Zzz."

Now, that almost seems to make it sound like I'm the one who caused her tiredness! (Yes, another female. Hooray.) But why am I the one feeling the taxing exhaustion? Hmmm.. I wonder why indeed.

So here I am, in the middle of the night, yet to take my bath, reading FUUUU comics and 9gag nonsense to keep my tormented spirits up, trying to stop procrastinating and instead go do my statics (which I've been ignoring for far too long). And then bath and wait for my hair to dry and go to sleep. Of which I'd probably have a meal somewhere in between.

And the craziest thing is I'm actually spamming blog sites and facebook, refreshing them hoping that I'd be able to catch a glimpse of some kinda update.. only to realize I'm probably the only fool and idiot stupid enough not to be sleeping at this hour.

*Well who the hell posts shit at this hour others than myself anyway? I'm getting dumber by the day*

Yep. A hopeless waiting and a shitty feel that somehow, I've been viewed as unimportant.. or being tested.. or have just achieved making my "shut the fuck up, I'm talking and if you have nothing better to say, go to sleep!" sentiments known telepathically.

Oh well. All in a day's work for me.

Time to do my statics and hit the showers.. and probably a meal (damn I'm getting hungry again).

Good night!

Regards,

K.

P.S.: Did I mention that I had a test today? Somehow it felt really easy. One of those rare exams! haha. And yeah, I need to score like a badass this sem if I hope to pull my honors up by 0.02 to the next level. Something tells me my FYP lecturer isn't gonna make that easy! Hhahahahhaa.

P.P.S.: I want buffet!

P.P.P.S.: I want my ASUS Transformer!

P.P.P.P.S.: I want my games and consoles and play games like a fail-kid/society-scumbag/homeless-bum/useless-retard until I'm happy then look for a job!

P.P.P.P.P.S.: Looking for Work, if employment is available please call! 1800-I'LL-WORK-FOR-FOOD.

*End of Entry*

----------------------------------------------------

Over-estimated

I am not God, people!

Stop assuming I can read your minds!

If I can, I would, and if I can, then I wouldn't be needing to write shit like these cause I would be able to make you guys do whatever I want and be happy!

Stop thinking that I know what you all want!

Just. Tell. Me.

Is it that hard? Why do people constantly expect me to know what they're thinking and what they want?

Hello? If I knew I wouldn't ask! If I could I wouldn't be constantly be getting into shit and trouble!

Perhaps it'll make so much more sense to start behaving stupid from now on.

Feb 14

And it's the 2nd year I spent it alone! =)

First year was down with rashes and felt like shit..

Second year was cause I wanted to be alone.. and felt like shit.

Oh well. =)

Amazed

Been awhile since I last wrote an entry. Really busy, too rushed to get stuff done and hence not a lot of time to think and dwell on shit. The times that I do? I forget to key them into a entry because I'm either trying to put them off, or having something else come up that I have to deal with, and hence end up with no time to myself.

Here I am, supposed to do my e-lectures, and haha, as usual, slacking off and doing something I shouldn't.

I realize that everytime I take some time off this blog, and whenever I come back and re-read my latest posts (or the older ones), I can't help but feel amazed: "Did I write all that stuff?"

I mean, yes, the vague memory of my hammering my thoughts and feelings into the posts did come back to me in a form that goes: "Hmm.. Yes, I did something like that, but..".

The "But" is the key here. Fragmented memories and recollection of the things I mentioned come and go, and the weirdest thing of all is that it feels like I'm reading something that's written by another person, except I know, it was myself.

Whatever, time enough to ponder when I'm free.

I've been toying with the idea of creating a newer, public blogspot page. One that is the complete opposite of this. One that's bright, full of sunshine, jokes and pictures.

This cold, dark one will remain anonymous (except to those few who knows of its existent and those who stumble onto this, and manages to find out who it belongs to.. =D).

I guess having 2 blogs would be a good thing as everything in life has 2 sides to it.. myself included. No one will know the real me. No one will ever discover the true me. Because after the events that has transpired in the past year has taught me valuable lessons that will forever stay etched in my heart, my brain, my soul.

Never will I cease to remind myself of the painful lessons that I've gone through before.

"Depend on yourself. Never believe or trust in another to aid you, for it has never happened."

My words from my secondary school days have returned to haunt me. I was right, but years of self-efficiency and exposure to people who cared has made me weak. My days in University has reminded and reinforced me of the harsh truth that I've always known. Perhaps it is a good thing then, to be slapped in the face now instead of in the future, when consequences would be much more impossible to bear.

I have changed. This I know. And this change will be for me to know, and not for the world to discover. The irony is, as much as this blog is my bottomless pit of endless self-pitying and discard of my purest forms of thoughts and feelings.. I will never express my true self. Ever.

For I am unable to do so anymore.

Ache

TAKE THIS SONOFABITCH ACHE AWAY FROM ME AND GTFO OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHH!~!!!!!!!!!!!

Call

Should you ever want to, my number is the same.
Should it ever change, I'll make sure you know.
I'm still a friend, and not some stranger.
So should you ever wish to make a call,
You just need to pick up that phone.

I will always make time for you,
Though forgive me if I am tardy.
For that is simply me,
The useless, clumsy me.

CNY 2012

Bad bad bad.

It's the coldest CNY I've ever been through. Yes, the temperature, the weather is cold.

But that's not what I meant.

Call it my blessing, call it my curse. I see beyond the veil of untruths and lies that lay before our very eyes.

This reunion dinner was devoid of warmth. Just like how my dad was telling me.

Myself? Yeah, I had lots to think about. Way to much to think about, way too many things to remind me of things I do not wish to remember.

Just spring cleaning was a heartache in and of itself. I saw too many things, remembered too many memories.

Adding on is the superstitious fact that Feng-shui Masters and Fortune tellers (if you believe them) are saying that the Year of the Dragon is a shitty one for people born in the Year of the Hare/Rabbit.

(Hah, yet another memory that's fucked up surfacing right now.)

I've been hurt too badly. Nothing can help me now.

It isn't about forgiveness or forgetting. It's the wound that remains. A wound that refuses to heal. A wound that keeps tearing itself open whenever it gets reminded.

And me being me? I get reminded. A lot.

All I wish for now is a clear state of mind, free from distractions so that I can get my work/school done. It's my final semester and I've barely touched on my FYP. I pray I won't get into trouble.

Worth

Had a rather bad argument with my mom over a stupid thing that's directly related to her.

Yes, the topic at hand wasn't about her but it as a minor thing that I have to take a constant /facepalm to.

My mom insists that her bikini, which she leaves at my house, is something of a bother, because she believes Men shouldn't touch Women's underwear; it's unlucky and bad.

However, the issue here was me telling her that she was making a big fuss out of it, and as much as I disagree with her superstitiousness, I told her I did as she said and didn't touch it.

Still, that's not enough to convince her.

Yesterday, the night before, I went on a dramatic confrontation between a man and his wife, and a third-party who was a close friend to the 3 of them. It ended up just the friend and the man, minus the wife. Still, with all of the crap that happened, I've accomplished the objectives I've set out to do.

What the issue now is.. is it all worth it?

I don't even know why I bother doing the things I do. I don't even value this relationship anymore. Why should I even be caring a damn thing about it?

Omen or not, haha. I lost the ring. It happened once before, and knowing it was a bad thing, I wanted to get a replacement ASAP (back then). I still remember her telling me: "No need. I've made it clear before if I'm ever getting anything, it'll be a real ring with a real purpose."

I disagreed, but hey, do people listen to me? No.

Funny, given my track record of getting things right when I disagree, which is almost 100%. Hah.

This time round, again, it got lost at a time when things were starting to go downhill. Perhaps its Fate again then, starting to spin its wheels again, taking us to places unknown.

Storm

My life is going to shit.

Everything I knew is disappearing or changing.

It's like I'm living in a raging storm, not knowing what to expect, fearing the aftermath of the storm.

I always believed that I am someone who's able to handle changes, someone who can adapt easily. That is still true, except that the changes I see being brought about by this storm.. is ridiculous.

Everything that is in my life: my family, my friends, my school, my work, my relationships, my surroundings, my environments, the society I live in.. is changing.

How is it possible that so much can change in so little a time?

This is crazy.

Dreams

I had a dream sometime last week.

It was... interesting.

I was in a HDB apartment somewhere I couldn't recognize. But the people in it.. hmm.

It didn't feel like I belonged there. In fact, it felt like I was sneaking in.

And you were there. With me. Doing what we always did, like nothing had ever happened.

Your mom was there too, chatting with us like there was nothing wrong.

But we were afraid. Afraid of your dad.

Hence we kept peeking at the main doors to the apartment, so that the moment he came home, I would hide. Or run away.

But he never came home. And there I was.

Comfortable. Relaxed. Pleasant.

I hadn't felt that way in a long time.

When I woke up, I knew, it was a dream.

But it felt so real. Yet my mind knows its a dream.

There was sadness, there was sorrow.

And the first thought that came to my mind was: Is that supposed to be a message?

A message to make me figure out what I wanted?

I don't understand

Why is it that you can claim to love so deep..
.. but yet be unable to do anything for love?

Why is it that you can put yourself through so much pain..
.. when you couldn't even deal with a slight pinch from before?

Why is it that you insist on having things your way..
.. only to realize that your way is not the way?

Why is it that you refuse to take a step back..
.. only to have to retreat miles away when shit happens?

Why is it that you always chose to wait..
.. when you could have made things happen?

Why is it that you must wait until you have experienced what loss is..
.. before you begin to treasure what you have?

Why is it that you must make everything so complicated and frustrating..
.. when it was all so simple and clean?

Why is it that you must let this happen..
.. when I have always been warning you about it?

Looking back, I have been nothing but honest with you.
You knew what I was thinking.
You knew what I predicted would happen is happening.
You knew that things were taking a turn for the worse but yet chose to ignore the warning signs.

You've asked me questions of which I've answered you truthfully with. Have you never considered, for example, why I would ask for your permission to do the stuff I wanted to with other girls? Why would I want to do that, if I already had everything I wanted, done by you? And more importantly, why do I bother ASKING you in the first place, when I could've just done them without you knowing anything about it?

I thought about what I've wanted from you or wanted you to change about, and even after so long, I still feel that they're minor things:

- don't argue with me over/about the phone
- if you wanna trash things out, we'll meet and talk face to face
- learn to make-up for yourself to be presentable or for special occasions
- dress a little better (better than looking like you crawled outta a hole somewhere, at least?)
- be more intimate to me, behave more like a girlfriend than a "oh i barely know you" friend

And despite those, others than points 1 and 2, have I ever given you shit for not fulfilling my requests? Never. So tell me, why do I put up with your shit for so long? And now you keep wishing for us to have a chance. I'd love to. I'd really, really love to. But look at what you've done to us.

Thanks. Really thanks. Heart pain indeed. Hah.

And I'll never forget 8th June 2010. Thanks.

Emptiness

How can one feel so full/fulfilled/rich yet so empty at the same time?

2012

Alas. The Year of Doom and Gloom is here.

Even if one is to ignore the predictions and prophecies of our upcoming doom and the death of the world as we know it.. Little on the horizon is worth looking forward to.

World economy is dying. The main antagonists of Capitalism (the U.S. and the European nations) are under fire and have little hope left.

Russia, China and the remaining developing countries are all either Socialist/Communist in some form or have no regards to Capitalism and will forsake it as soon as the shit hits the fan.

And that's just the financial world.

The words of an inept "Director" at the "Careers and Academics Office" in NTU continues to ring in my ears and make me laugh always:

"Ah, all you students going for your Industrial Attachment this year! Much to look forward to! In a year or two you'll graduate, and with that, the recovered economy will mean an easy time for you to get a job!"

This was in 2010.

When I first heard it? I knew this was one useless guy, in a rather important position in a rather well-known/prestigious school.

2012 is one year I don't look forward to.

Something tells me this year isn't gonna be pretty.