Sin and Punishment

Karma.

The one thing that has driven me to look forward in life has decided that there is one more lesson for me to learn. A lesson that will serve to remind me that, with all good things, there is a price to pay.

A heavy one.

All my life, things have always been smooth-sailing. As much as I have my fair share of ups and downs, I still think that, yes, life's been good to me. As much as I have much to complain about, there is nothing I lack. And whenever I run into a tight spot, eventually everything would just sort itself out, solutions appearing on their own, solving the problem(s) at hand.

When I started to toy with the idea that our Luck is like that of a bank, I started to fear. Fearing that one day, I will have to pay back for all that I have received before.

Allow me to explain:

Luck is like cashflow in the bank. When you get "lucky", it means that you've made a withdrawal. When you're "unlucky" it either means your bank is empty, or that you've just made a deposit with the "luck" you could have used.

Hence, with all the luck I've been utilizing since young, in exchange for all I had, has, have and will have, there must be a price to pay somewhere.

And here it is; my worst fear come true.

The very thing I've always been looking for, the exact thing which I've never expected to ever find, is now mine.

Except for the fact that it's broken. Tarnished. Damaged beyond repair. And the biggest irony was that I actually found it 5 years ago, in its pristine state, without realising it.

This is punishment. My punishment for the sins I've committed. Punishment for having taken beyond what I should.

What do I do now? Everything else is meaningless. I have naught the spirit, will nor energy to do anything else now. Day in and day out, waiting for the days to pass. Waiting.

For what? I do not know. Life's endless surprises is showing no signs of ending, not that I expect it to.

And thus wait I shall. For there is nothing else I can do.

But wait.

Rift

And so it begins.

How it will end.. no one knows.

Time for some fun and games.. again. =)

Question

"Who do you wanna be with when the world ends?"

I was mildly surprised when I heard this question, for I had never expected to hear this question again. Twice I was asked, and twice, I had the same answer, despite it being two very different persons that asked this question.

For some funny reason, hearing this question served to confirm that which I already know.

Perhaps when the time is right, all will become clear.

Looks like there's gonna be quite a lot of confusion and raised eyebrows.

I'm just waiting for June to come.

Final

Surprisingly the truth which I suspected finally came to light on its own. No probing, shoving, pushing or negativity.

It just appeared.

However, I am thankful that finally, we can bloody move on from this dreadful topic and get on with our lives, and that somehow, I always knew what it was, and that I was only waiting for the admission/confession.

Thus today, I got what I wanted after several months of probing and massive lacerations of the heart.

Only to find that it is an empty victory. After all, what's the point of knowing that which you already know?

It's disappointing, really. To find that, the one thing I've been searching for my entire life, tarnished, ruined, almost to the point of beyond repair.

Yes, I could fix it. Yes, I can still have it. But a part of me, deep down inside, is screaming away: "No. This isn't what I want. Much as you want this, look at its condition! You don't want this!!"

I've always believed in Fate, and this past one year has made me think and think again. Fate really exists, and it exists to fuck around with us.

5 years ago. It's always that damned period.

5 years ago, yearning for that which has come to past and will never go back again.

5 years ago, when everything that could have been, can never be.

5 years ago. What on earth gave me the courage to ask that which I did?

How many more missed opportunities am I gonna have to see? How many more "5 years ago" am I gonna feel?

The choices that I am about the make, the words that I am about to make known.. Will it once again result in another "5 years ago", 5 years down the road?

Damnit all. Fate really loves to screw around with us.

Lost

Whatever am I doing? Whatever the hell am I doing?

I'm lost this time, really really lost.

What is it that I want from this situation?

I've never felt this empty before.. and never expected to feel this way.

Losing something precious just to gain that which is my dreams. Losing my dreams just to obtain that something precious. What's the difference?

I have so much to think about. Again.