The Last Sprint

Unless I take a Master's Degree or Ph.D course in future.. This is it.

The final stretch and the final sprint to the end. Graduation, and my student life ends.

And hoo boy. This final stretch is CRAZZZYY.

I have a ton shit of back-to-back projects/assignments/tests to complete and clear the week after. Thankfully I cleared one 4.5k word report already, so it ain't that bad.

Still..

Oh well. Academia aside, personal life's big bomb is a-incoming.

1x Super Large Emo Bomb coming up! With future repercussions to come!

I just wish I could tell my dad so much, that I don't give a fuck about my future. But that'll break his heart. Damnit.

Civilisation

‎"Why have a civilization if we're no longer interested in being civilized?"

Gosh, I wanna watch this movie.

Perfection

In many things, in many ways,

I wonder often.

For what am I trying so hard for?

Effort put in, effort made.

But in the end,

All is for naught.

I always believed that hardworking people's beliefs are real, and that I'm lazy.

So as much as I am lazy, there are things that I never give up, and is constantly trying.

To the point, I may say, that I am overdoing things.

But yet I still go on.

Sometimes however, I wonder why, for what and how come.

Why I continue to strive and work so hard for.

When nothing happens; nothing appreciated.

I've been given an analysis before: it's because of my hardwork that my standards are too high for most people. And that they dare not try to appreciate what there is. Fearing that they do not qualify.

I ask then, as I ask now.

If my work is to be so superior to the point that people dare not get close to, then for what am I striving towards perfection for?

If perfection meant that it becomes a meaningless piece of art for others to look and stay away from, then perfection is not what I need.

But yet if I stay away from perfection, will I be able to get the attention I want then?

Sinister

If only the world knows what's going on in my head.

Everything is either going according to plan.. or has been thought of.

Let's see how things turn out.. =)

201

I've gotta learn to do something about my timing. It's always around this period of the day that I get depressed and emo over every and any damn thing.

It's like, 1 - 3 AM is my emo period, 3 - 4 AM is recovery, then from 4 AM onwards, my study period. Yes, my study period begins at 4 AM. It's the only damn time I noticed that I can really sit down and study shit. Gawd.

I hate mornings, and have subconsciously adjusted my life away from mornings.. haha. It's a good thing I guess. =) I still remembered how I tried to do this years before but got stopped by someone. Mornings are fine, nice sometimes even, but I still prefer to solitude of the night.

And the irony is, as much as I prefer solitude, I wish for company. I envy how my friend(s) can interact with others and make lasting friendships so easily. Perhaps they're extroverts; that's why, but somehow, something tells me that it has got nothing to do with my introvert self; it has everything to do with me.

Did a sample MSAT (MenSa Assesment Test) today, both international and the lame 8 figured question, SG-version. I scored 28/30 for the international one (One on anagrams which I couldn't solve without Google's help, the other a careless mistake).

Makes me wonder if I should go take the test. It costs $45/student and $60/adult, and I wonder if its worth it at all. My friend's been asking me to give it a try, but hmm, I truly wonder at its authenticity, because all I see is a society full of stuck-up assholes who think they're really smarter than 98% of the population making themselves feel better about their "smarts".

The next test is in April this year in Suntec. Perhaps I should take it just to have something to brag about in my resume. Haha. But yet I'm lazy to and don't wanna spend that money. Heh.

BTW, the post title refers to the 201th post I've made in this blog since its opening in January 8th, 2005.

=) Interesting date. I never noticed it until today. Heh. Brings back memories.. And how I'm sure this blog would die off after I enlisted. It did, as I predicted, but I just never expected to come back to it again.. =)

Oh well. Time for bed.

Era

I don't remember if I've told anyone about this.. perhaps I did, in a nonchalant way.

I don't fit in this era. My way of thinking and beliefs, my hopes and dreams, my ambition, interests and passion.. They don't fit in this era. All I've been doing since I've started to assert myself and working towards my goals.. is trying to "fit in".

Maybe it's due to my nature,

maybe it's due to my "smarts",

maybe it's due to my ability to adapt,

maybe it's due to my drive to keep going..

But recently, I keep wondering what's the point of it all.

I don't like my life. I don't like the way things are. I know, most people don't like it either, but this isn't a post to bitch about "Oh, life is so unfair to me".

It's just that, what I'd rather do, what I believe in.. are things that no longer matter, or valued, in this era.

If I were in a different time frame, or the future I believe to come, I think, feel and truly believe, I'll thrive.

It's depressing, to see the things I believe in wasted, the values I uphold sneered at, the faith I have destroyed. This is a world where scumbags thrive. I can be one, if I force myself, as I can feel myself slowly changing.. but the thing that keeps holding me back is the question:

"Is this what you want, truly?"

And it is one question I dare not face.

For if I do not change, I will perish.

But yet if I do, my soul will perish.

I'm fucked, truly.

Why am I forced to make these decisions again and again? I don't see people having this many major crossroads in their lives. Why? Because they're simple-minded? Because I think too much? Because other people just don't give a fuck?

If I was Christian people would probably tell me "Oh, God's testing you, stay true.", but yet, even from a religious context, am I even doing the right thing staying the way I am?

Truly, I was amazed back then when a certain someone told me about her observation of me. I never knew that I gave people an image like that. She was saddened, because she said that I was slowly changing into someone that was no longer as amazing. That I was becoming a scumbag. And that worries me.

As much as I can feel myself changing, I can never tell how much I've changed. So who or what am I now? I'm making choices now based on my beliefs, as I've always had, and I've never been disappointed at the consequences even if they were dire.

My dad asked me simple questions that I couldn't answer. He could never understand that the answers I gave don't just relate to the question at hand. No, my choices in my relationship, career choices, studies don't impact just these areas in my life only. They have an impact on everything, and how am I to explain why so?

How am I to tell him, without breaking his heart, that I give no damn about my life, my future?

How am I to get my dad to understand that, I do not wish for "the simple way out" life?

How am I to make him understand that, I can conform to society, I can adapt, and that it's my choice not to do so?

How can I tell him that he's giving me stress on a choice that's gonna make or break the rest of my life, and not a simple "you're being a retarded rebel"?

Who the fuck understands me? No one. Then at least respect me enough to make my own decisions, since you're not helping.

I thought I'd found my soulmate. Haha. Yes, questions answered, but now there are more questions then answers. Questions that no one asks because no one cares.

But I do. I care. And that's why I'm suffering so.

Because this isn't an era where one should be caring.