Era

I don't remember if I've told anyone about this.. perhaps I did, in a nonchalant way.

I don't fit in this era. My way of thinking and beliefs, my hopes and dreams, my ambition, interests and passion.. They don't fit in this era. All I've been doing since I've started to assert myself and working towards my goals.. is trying to "fit in".

Maybe it's due to my nature,

maybe it's due to my "smarts",

maybe it's due to my ability to adapt,

maybe it's due to my drive to keep going..

But recently, I keep wondering what's the point of it all.

I don't like my life. I don't like the way things are. I know, most people don't like it either, but this isn't a post to bitch about "Oh, life is so unfair to me".

It's just that, what I'd rather do, what I believe in.. are things that no longer matter, or valued, in this era.

If I were in a different time frame, or the future I believe to come, I think, feel and truly believe, I'll thrive.

It's depressing, to see the things I believe in wasted, the values I uphold sneered at, the faith I have destroyed. This is a world where scumbags thrive. I can be one, if I force myself, as I can feel myself slowly changing.. but the thing that keeps holding me back is the question:

"Is this what you want, truly?"

And it is one question I dare not face.

For if I do not change, I will perish.

But yet if I do, my soul will perish.

I'm fucked, truly.

Why am I forced to make these decisions again and again? I don't see people having this many major crossroads in their lives. Why? Because they're simple-minded? Because I think too much? Because other people just don't give a fuck?

If I was Christian people would probably tell me "Oh, God's testing you, stay true.", but yet, even from a religious context, am I even doing the right thing staying the way I am?

Truly, I was amazed back then when a certain someone told me about her observation of me. I never knew that I gave people an image like that. She was saddened, because she said that I was slowly changing into someone that was no longer as amazing. That I was becoming a scumbag. And that worries me.

As much as I can feel myself changing, I can never tell how much I've changed. So who or what am I now? I'm making choices now based on my beliefs, as I've always had, and I've never been disappointed at the consequences even if they were dire.

My dad asked me simple questions that I couldn't answer. He could never understand that the answers I gave don't just relate to the question at hand. No, my choices in my relationship, career choices, studies don't impact just these areas in my life only. They have an impact on everything, and how am I to explain why so?

How am I to tell him, without breaking his heart, that I give no damn about my life, my future?

How am I to get my dad to understand that, I do not wish for "the simple way out" life?

How am I to make him understand that, I can conform to society, I can adapt, and that it's my choice not to do so?

How can I tell him that he's giving me stress on a choice that's gonna make or break the rest of my life, and not a simple "you're being a retarded rebel"?

Who the fuck understands me? No one. Then at least respect me enough to make my own decisions, since you're not helping.

I thought I'd found my soulmate. Haha. Yes, questions answered, but now there are more questions then answers. Questions that no one asks because no one cares.

But I do. I care. And that's why I'm suffering so.

Because this isn't an era where one should be caring.