Sleepless

Yet another sleepless night.

Earlier this evening at 10 pm I tried lying down on the bed to try and catch the sleepy feel.. I did. And it was so comfortable I didn't wanna get up and just wanna doze off right there and then. But I didn't. Had things to attend to, so I got up, stayed up, and here I am, 5 am in the morning.

Probably an achievement would be my 1 hour workout during the dead of the night. I always loved how I can do whatever I want, however I want, in a house (almost) full of people.

And yet these timings are hurting my body, my health, my mentality and my bio-clock.

I can't get up in the mornings anymore and my sleeping hours are kept to a tight range of approximate 4-6 hours a day. Once I wake I cannot go back to sleep unless I wanna risk waking up late, 3-4 hours later. It probably has something to do with my REM cycles as the hours coincide too well for it to be anything else, but the strict adherence that my body is staying to the rhythm is somewhat disturbing.

It has never happened before.

I would probably attribute it to the fact that I've never had a good night's sleep since, what, April last year? Holy crap! That's more than a year and a half. No wonder my body is forcing it into shut-down cycles, else I'll simply burn out and die. Perhaps that's not so bad an ending.. hmm.

Sigh. I should have NEVER made that decision. Not listening to that inner voice is my greatest regret.

Fuck.

Everything is now so complicated. My own problems, school issues, other people's problems, my family. I guess if my life isn't complicated I'm probably dead huh?

Then again that's just a guess. Who knows? Perhaps its more troublesome when Death comes knocking. Hah.

As I've always known, and recently re-affirmed, people come to me when they need someone to talk to. Surprisingly, these people that come and talk to me are sometimes hardly the ones who are the closest to me. And the biggest surprise is that they'd entrust me with their secrets. Secrets they'd sworn to bring to their graves. Secrets so bad that when revealed could destroy them, or change their lives entirely.

But yet, to me, they do. Perhaps its the way I always appear so deceptively harmless and disarming. Perhaps they truly believe that I am a keeper of secrets. Perhaps they just needed someone to tell their secret to, desperate to share the burden.

And the irony is, they're not wrong in their choices. I can keep secrets. I'm more than willing and is more than able to help others carry their burdens. But what I can't handle.. are my own burdens.

I've been going through a list of the people in my life. Marking off people I can talk to, eliminating them from the potential list of people that I can open myself to...

And I keep having to re-do it because.. I am eliminating everyone. There are always reasons why I cannot approach someone to talk to. They have their own burdens, they don't have the time, they're no longer as close, or just simply couldn't be bothered with someone like me.

I used to talk random and secret stuff about myself to someone whom is now very close to me. She was someone who had no links to my life, just a special acquaintance that happened to step into my life, years ago. Like everyone else on the fringe of my social networks, she never truly entered my life or was ever a part of it, but somehow we maintained contact.. eventually for reasons I cannot fathom even today, I decided that she was someone I could tell everything to, akin to a dumping spot of troubles and secrets far far away from where I stay, where they'll never be discovered.

For awhile, it worked.

But the problem is, I grew reliant. As time goes by I became comfortable with dumping my problems, issues, troubles and secrets with her. But I was foolish: I had assumed that she was a SPOT, not a PERSON. I had actually FORGOTTEN, for fuck sake, that she was HUMAN.

Relationship developed, and there it was suddenly, she's right there in my life. Along with all the baggage that I'd been dumping, where I had believed it would be far far away.

And now it's all back, and worse, there's more added onto it. But this time, there is no more dumping spot for me to relieve my baggage.

I've tried to let things go, and I have succeeded. But these baggage aren't simple emotional baggage: They're me. They're bits and pieces of my soul. And there's so much of it that I am getting crushed by the sheer weight and amount of it.

I used to escape from reality into games to take a breather. But time and circumstances aren't exactly being very forgiving to me right now. I have no time for games. There are so many things that requires my attention and focus. Things have always worked out in the past, but never have I had issues that could ever begin to match the magnitude of what I'm experiencing now.

"What doesn't kills you only makes you stronger". Yep. I hope I don't die in the process.

Sigh. It's morning now. In a few minutes I'll be hearing the birds coo the morning call and the rumble of the first bus along the streets. And here I am, typing this out and not even feeling the slightest bit of wanting to go to bed.

There are times I don't even wanna play games! TWENTY FOUR FRIGGIN' YEARS of my life and this is the first time since I knew the existence of games that I'm ACTUALLY NOT INTERESTED!

Sometimes I'm so tired that I just wish that something would happen to take me far far away from here, away from all these troubles and worries and sorrow. I seek only happiness and a sense of satisfaction of my life. That's all that there is. I'm not someone seeking riches and luxury, fame or power. All I want is happiness. Probably an impossible desire in the time and age..

.......

... Time to sleep.

Tired

.... what the title says.

Was army even this tiring?

Need my ZZzzzz's.

/sigh.

ENOUGH

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!!!!

Polarity

Ever wished for changes to occur in your life, really bad? And for some unknown reason, it actually came true?

But the insane part of it is that, the changes are such that the original state of affairs took a 180% turn and became the total opposite?

Everything changed.. from plus to minus and minus to plus!

I got what I wanted because it was the exact opposite of the existing situation!
But the good parts of the existing situation ALSO changed to become the exact opposite!

Oh damn. I'm not making any sense, am I?

I'm still going about the same point.. Why is it so hard for me to get what I want when I've devoted myself so thoroughly? Is it really not worth me putting in effort? Why is it that I see things take a turn for the better when I become a mean freak, an asshole? I'm a loser because I'm too nice, isn't it? That's why I always have to become a fucked up person before things will turn for the better?! WHY?!

Equality

Tell me about it. Hah.

Hypocritical Bitch.

Reminders

I keep getting reminded of you.

I cannot forget you.

I know what I want, but I cannot go back because I doubt I can get what I want.

I don't feel that I'm wrong because I'm only pursuing what I desire.

And you yourself, have you ever listened to your heart and did as you truly wanted to?

How do you expect me to marry you like that?

I can't.

Because the only reason I will walk down the aisle with anyone.. is because I love her and wants to be with her forever.

Never will I want any other reasons to get in the way.

Never.

Coin

Heard from someone in class today saying: "Coin-tossing is an act whereby the result of the coin toss has actually nothing to do with the action that the tosser will take. Simply because the tosser has already decided in his heart what he wants the result to be, by pinning hopes that the desired result will actually come true. Hence the action of coin tossing is nothing more then to force the sub-conscious decision to manifest itself in the conscious mind."

I can't say I agree or disagree simply because there really are times I didn't care and let a coin toss decide for me.. But thinking back there was always that nagging feeling that I already wanted something but just had nothing to convince me that it's right.

Did a "coin-toss" about a year back and followed it blindly till today. And that nagging feeling is still there.. Hahah. I guess I did follow a blind coin toss when I actually have an idea of what I wanted.

Too bad things had to turn out this way.. but I guess.. some things are for the best. Things happened.. so that things can continue happening. The fact that they happened allows for current situations and events to exist. Which I must say is a good thing, at least for me.

Much as it is stupid, I will continue to pin my hopes that one day, this fucked up world will right itself and that karma will finally work its magic. Yes, I'll get mine for the fucked up things I've done but so be it. I'm prepared to face the consequences of my actions even before I took them anyway.

Just wishing against fat hopes that someday, people will get their dues. What a way to console oneself.

One more year to graduation and financial freedom. C'mon c'mon c'mon..

(And then the world ends. Yay. Har har har. =/)

Sine

Here I am again. Posting at unearthly hours.

My life is a Sine-wave. Up and down, up and down.

I'm totally bewildered now. I'm amazed at how much my life can fluctuate when all I've been doing for the past month is simply staying at home.

Wow. Taking repeated looks at issues on hand can result in surprising perspectives sometimes.