That old old wound again

It hurts. It fucking hurts.

The very same wound left festering for 4 years has re-opened again.

It hurts. I thought it had healed and would never come back again. But nope. I'm the partial cause afterall. It just hurts so damn bad.

Hahhahaha.

Laughing and crying, I'm getting used to it.

Simple

Simple.

So simple.

I know what I want now.

But it is near impossible, if not outright impossible, to achieve/obtain.

So simple. Yet so impossible.

Why do I feel like crying and laughing at the same time?

Forced

What am I to think when one can say: "I do this willingly, of my own free will", when it has been done before, however forced to?

Should I feel honored that it was repeated for me willingly?

Or should I feel nothing from it, as it was just simply, done before?

I mean, it isn't that hard to repeat something you've done before, albeit on different terms, isn't it?

Hence, should I place value in such actions?

Or should I be glad that, others are willing to go the extra mile for me?

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On the other hand, when one says: "I know I wanna do this, but it will have to wait until the right time", what am I supposed to feel then?

Should I again, feel honored that I was placed into consideration for said action?

Or am I correct in saying that "Actions speak louder than words"?

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Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Why must everything be like this? Have I not given enough, not proven enough, not committed enough?

One has given everything away, claiming that most of her choices were made reluctantly. Now she is desperate, doing anything and everything in fears of losing it all.

The other has kept everything, claiming that she wants it to be perfect. She too, is desperate, wanting it all back, hating and wondering why she made her choices so.

Life likes to screw with us, indeed.

Now that I have gotten what I wanted, it feels so empty, so bitter, so ironic.

Something so simple, so precious, yet so sensitive.

I am not satisfied. Am I being greedy? Am I wrong in wanting things to work out the way I want them to be? Am I wrong in wanting everything to go my way for once, in wanting to see my efforts and hard work pay off?

Knowledge is power, but there is a painful price to pay, for knowing too much.

Naivette

To blindly trust and devote everything when its not even a year.

Yes, history has repeated itself, on a smaller scale, but hey, seriously, less than a year?

Why is it never me? Does Fate truly feel that I don't deserve? Or must I wait longer?

Yet all these has happened EXACTLY because I waited. WTF?

What do you want me to do???

Words

How does one tell another, with words that cannot be communicated?

I am a beast.

I don't deserve.

But yet attempt I shall.

For that is the least I can do for you.

Faith

Faith. The act of believing. Of absolute trust and confidence.

I've come to realize.. that I don't have it. I don't believe. I don't trust. And there is nothing I am confident in. I tried picturing myself in a wedding ceremony (probably due to having received a wedding invitation today), and I came to realize that I can't. I cannot see myself walking down the aisle, simply because.. I don't know who I will be walking with.

That caused me to think about it: Why? How is it that I can fall in love with someone for more than 4 years and yet not have faith? How is it that I can fall for another person and yet still have not faith?

Perhaps what I'll say next will sound really irresponsible, perhaps they're just me making up excuses.

But what I've analyzed and understood is that my viewpoint about love and faith was probably made up by my parents' interaction with each other, which has caused me to understand how it works; becoming my subconscious standard.

They've never displayed affection and love for each other before. The rare few times they did felt abnormal, almost like it was for the rare occasion.

My siblings.. never showed me anything related to faith in their relationships before.. my brothers changed girlfriends like free, one got divorced, the other doesn't seem to give a shit. My younger sister changed boyfriends over and over (because of poor judgement, imho) while my elder sister had unique viewpoints about relationships.

None of them showed me the value of Faith. And hence that's the probable reason why I've never learnt, cause nobody seems to give a damn.

Belong

No place to call my own.

Wanting to sleep.. but unable to.

Wanting a place to hide.. but nowhere to.

Wanting a place to rest.. but there is none.

Wanting a peace of mind.. but it doesn't exist.

Wanting some privacy.. hahaha. Try living in the living room.

Wanting.. wanting.. wanting.

Nevermine.

I give up as I always have given up. Resigned to fate.

It's so tempting to end it all.

Is wanting a person to understand me so difficult and impossible to ask for?

Again

Everything just gets lost the moment it leaves my head.

Thoughts, emotions, expressions.

All gone like the wind.

Unknown, unfelt, unseen.

Forever thus it will be.

Misrepresentation

散场的拥抱 by 倪安東

Enjoy. =P

What am I supposed to say? Being mistaken for my words, when the intended person whom my words are for is wrongly assumed.

Please. As long as that I do not place a name to my words, don't be so sure that it refers to him/her/you.

I might simply be referring to myself.

Good night folks. The end of the world draws near: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=New+Delhi+Superbug (Ignore the "wasn't so hard to google was it" comment) ;-)

Everytime you misunderstand my words, my heart breaks alittle.

Everytime you misassume my intentions, my heart aches alittle.

Everytime you accuse me wrongfully of things I've never done, I tear alittle.

Everytime you think I no longer love you.. I died alittle.

Being Nice

FYI This is the 101th post! 100th place goes to "Logbook"! (Like, wow, of all topics =.=')

Looking back, its been a longgggggggg time since this blog was started, back during the crazed days when blogs were hip and you were like the alien if you didn't have one.

Time flies.

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Went out of my way to get stuff for Alvin's brother today. He lost his phone (along with his SIM card, naturally) overseas, and needed a replacement. Feeling like doing something nice today, I decided to make a trip down to the shopping centres when I could be heading straight home and be comfortably bathed, fed and chilling in front of my computer now.

Instead, here I am, all sweaty from all the walking and having gotten nothing done, being peeved and deciding to blog about the meaningless things I do.

So here's what happened: Went down to JP, thinking: OK, a quick trip, just a couple of minutes and I can get my ass home and chill/nap (2 hour sleep routines can be a killer in the office, especially after lunch). Ended up waiting at the end of a relatively short queue for a couple, a middle-aged lady and a bunch of Indo/Filipino-maids (Hey, aren't they supposed to be in camp carrying bags on a weekday night!?!?!).

Well, no big deal, I plugged in my Mp3 and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited for about 20 minutes and the queue was. Just. Stuck. There.

Talk about efficiency for god's sake.

Turned out the Samsung sales-dude, deciding that he was done idling about the shop, came forward to ask if he could assist. Assist he did, by telling me that he was unable to help me get the SIM card as they were just the official distributor shop and I had to go elsewhere, nearest being IMM and Westmall.

Yay. And the damned operator on the phone yesterday said ANY shops.

OK, having wasted 20 minutes of my life standing behind a couple watching the guy scratch his butt every 10 seconds or so, I decided to screw this and head home.

Then suddenly a Halo descended upon me and then there was Light. I felt a warm feeling passing through me and Oh the holy...

Wait wait wait. Wrong scene.

OK, so I decided to be a nice guy thinking: "goddamn must be crap being unable to use your phone and the next time I could get him the card is god knows when". What happened next was I wasted an hour of my life travelling from JP -> Westmall then back to Lakeside just to get a dumb SIM card. For which I had to wait another 20 minutes for.

All just so that I could do something nice.

Sure, Alvin's dad (who collected the SIM card from me) was appreciative and everything, but that wasn't the point.

What for am I being so nice for? Especially when I had to go out of my way and inconvenience myself to do shit for others and not get a single bit of reward in return. Though I didn't do it for a reward, I wonder why I do it? My parents never taught me to do good and be a goody-two-shoes, neither did they teach me to play by the rules, but yet I just do. Why?

I'll probably never understand this part of myself.

Especially when being nice doesn't pay. At. All. Instead, all the assholes and jerks get all the fun and joy while us nice guys clean up after.

I'll admit, I'm jealous. Being a nasty asshole and getting everything your way without having to work for it or care about the consequences is such a great deal. Why not? Fuck the world, live by your rules and let everyone else burn.

And yet.....

Sigh.

Logbook

Yay~! 3 hours left to wake up and prepare to go to work! Here I am wasting time blogging! Lolz!

Just completed my 4th logbook entry for my 7th and 8th week of Internship @ REC Singapore. What a mess. My NTU mentor is going to visit on Tuesday and I have yet to inform my supervisor/mentor in REC.

Yikes. I wonder how she's gonna react when I tell her.. Opps. Craptastic. Didn't help the fact that I had to take MC last friday due to being unable to wake up. No point going to work after that cause:

(A) That means a hefty cab ride of ~$40 to get to work, which essentially covers my entire day's worth of pay, thus pointless in going

(B) By the time I reach office I'm SUPER late. Doesn't matter anyway.

It's just that it's starting to look ugly due to fact that I seem to be taking MC's on Mondays/Fridays often, looking like I'm trying to milk long weekends all the time (its all a coincidence man! Damnit.. =/ Lolz.).

Haizz.

Yet another week of slogging. Been running on 3-4 hours of sleep for my weekdays almost every other day! No wonder my memory's gone to shit since last year December. Haven't been sleeping well at all..

*Except for the nights that I spent at your house*

Zzzz

Weekends = rest.

I need my sleep.. ZZzzZzzz

Bed never felt so good before.