Unconditional

Unconditional.

That's what's stopping me from going back.

Having traveled this far down this bumpy road, I've come to realize why I chose to stay put. It's all because of what I'm getting. You're right, I thought of it myself too.

Perhaps she's just not being picky because she knows she has no right to choose.
Perhaps she's simply resigned to fate and feels that she shouldn't choose.
Perhaps she's doing this just for show, only to reveal her true self later.
Perhaps she's just decided that she found what she wanted.

But hey, lots of questions we can ask, all the time. But on my end, you're right. I deserve better, she doesn't deserve, etc, etc.

Thinking about it for awhile now, I know what is it that draws me to her and keeps me there. Conversely, it's what pushing me away from you and making me stay, too.

The title says it all.

Unconditional. That's how I want my love to be. And that's how I feel, love, should be.

But you, you didn't see it. You saw your love as concern, as putting me on a top priority, as being how a family member should be. You're not wrong, but you're not completely how a family should be, precisely because you   didn't love me unconditionally. It's always something-for-something with you. You're only giving in when you see changes. You only change when you're happy with me about something. You only decide to give me something when I gave given you something else.

It's always: "I wanna see you do something before I'll give you what you want/deserve."

In fact, this post probably sums up all of the problem I have with you, minus the frustrations, emotions and words. This is the root cause of our split. Because for everything you've done for me, it's a return, not a gift.

And the way I see it, you'll never change. Especially of all the people in this world, you will never change. Because your greatest strength is also your fatal weakness: Your persistence.

Last when we spoke, you agreed that I've done all that I could. Why? Simply because of this one word:

Unconditional. The way it should be. And you know exactly what I mean.

Age

My god. Is it just me, or are ALL (almost all) my friends looking like middle-aged uncles and aunties?

I look in the mirror and I neither feel old or look old. How's that possible that my same aged friends could look that old? It's crazy.

And meh. New blogger interface. Need to relearn the basics again. Meh.

Teach me..

... how to be happy.

... how to forget.

... how to ignore.

... how to move on.

... how to be satisfied.

Warmth

It's amazing. On one of the lowest points in my life, things just happened all at once. Like someone orchestrated the events and made it come true.

I'm speechless. Certainly makes you question the existence of God, but yes, these events have done nothing but strength my faith and belief that religion is bullshit.

They have their basis but they're misguided. I'm sure of that now. The signs I'm seeing and the "joining the dots" of my past is beginning to show me something frightening.. Something I'd like to brush and say: "Meh. Not true, never gonna happen.", but.. a part of me is telling me that I'm just self-denying.

"If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

Truer words have never been spoken.

---------------------

To you, my dear, I dedicate this post to you.

I'm still saying the same things I said 2 years ago. You don't understand me. And I understand you. You wanted to provide for me the warmth that I never felt. And I know it, and I respected, understood, and loved it. I know your basis for the things you do, I see the sparkle in your eyes, I see the tiredness in your steps seeing the things you do for me.

I answered, with my own style. I gave what I can, I gave what I had. You know this, and you cannot deny it. However, there were times you were overly oppressive, and you refused to acknowledge it. Speaking of acknowledgement, you never acknowledged me. You never showed me the signs, neither through actions or words, that yes, you understand what I see you as, and behaved accordingly.

Hence you said, the words and actions I chose to undertake hurt you, deemed your actions fake, unnecessary and useless. I'm sorry, my words were never of that intention. It was you who over-read things, and even if you didn't, hah. Why didn't you take my words into consideration then, and improved yourself?

You said this: "Everytime he mentions to me 'Hey I've been staying for half the week, I need to go home', I feel that my efforts are wasted.", do you even know, why I say that? If I had enjoyed myself thoroughly, why would I wanna do that? But I didn't enjoy myself. Why is that?

Is it because I feel that it's OK to leave you alone?

Is it because you were not doing enough for me?

Is it because I hated being around you?

Then answer me:

Why do I rush to you whenever you complain of cold, loneliness or pain?

Why do I do the housework chores on your behalf, cooking for you so you have warm food in your stomach when you're home, why do I clean up your room before you got back to SG?

Why do I chose to spend all my weekends, holidays, my free time with you? Remember my two-years of slavery? I spent EVERY goddamn weekend available for you.

Once I even went to you despite my high fever because I had a nights out from the army. Sure, you took care of me, got worried for me, but ever considered that despite my fevered state, you were the first person I thought of? I could've went to a doctor's. I could've went home. I could've stayed in camp and sleep. I didn't. My first thought was: "I promised to go find you. I will". Even my mom didn't know of that incident of me catching high fever under years later.

You are always fixated on what you're doing well, what you're excel at, and how good you are. But you didn't consider what's making you bad, what's making me upset, what's causing me to get disappointed. And it's bad enough that, despite my recognition of all the good you've done, the bad-side of you offsets every good thing you've done, hence we came to an end 2 years ago.

Did you not consider that your "bad's" are so bad that it caused us to be like this? You constantly accused me of not loving you enough. You complain that I don't understand you, and don't know you're suffering (pain or whatever it may be). How am I supposed to know if you didn't tell me?! And pray tell me, how am I supposed to "love you more" when I've already done all I could? Sure, you'd like me to fetch you the moon and such, but hey, have you ever done what you should, as a lover, to make me wanna go to such ends for you? Have you?

You say that you're afraid to let go and try again. You're afraid of being hurt again. Well guess what? You're right to be afraid. I said it so may years ago, and I'll say it again. You're right, I'm not the awesome perfect boyfriend, but my words stand: you'll never find another person like me who can be this serious and this devoted. For 4.5 years, FYI. Try doing what you did to me to another person and let me see how that guy can hold up for 4.5 years. Go ahead. Prove me wrong.

You've taken everything away from me. You think that I'm the only one who took and lost nothing? Well look again. We've both lost. You're not the only one on the losing end.

I don't hate you for who you are. I hate you for not recognizing what I've done for you over the years. And continue to say that I've not done enough or that I didn't see what you've done for me. You're always "I, me, myself". Hence why I said you're a hypocrite. Sure, you've done lots for me, but because of that, you only see what you've done for me and feel: "OK, enough from me, I wanna see what you have." You're still like this, 2 years on.

If you wanna question why I never went back? It's simple because I don't see you changing for the better. I don't see you changing to the point that: "Yes, we have a chance now". No, you still haven't. As for me changing? I've already said this, and I'll say again:

Prove me that I'm wrong and I'll change for you. My temper is one I'm constantly trying to change and keep in check. What else need I change for you? Haven't I already done my best for you, which you yourself admitted that everything else was fine? You're just being greedy aren't you? And if, me being myself, not changing, results in your feelings of loss when we broke up, haven't that told you volumes about who needs changing?

I'll just ask you this one last question then, if you're reading:

"If your grandma was still around and she knows about us, what would she tell you? To change? Or to leave me?"

You think about it. I know your grandma for just awhile, and I know how much she loves you. To tell her beloved grand-child to change for a man is impossible, because no man would be worthy of you. But you and I both know what her answer would be. Not because I'm worth it. But because we all know you have a character issue and needs to change.

Last Straw

So my dad wakes up @ 6 am in the morning, sees me sitting in front of my computer, the first thing he says is:

"That's it, goddamn you. Making so much noise. I've had enough. This is your last chance. IF I ever catch you again, I'm throwing your computer and phone and everything away."

Yep.

Say that to my face after you stay up the whole fucking night working.

Say that again to my face after you've been accused of making noise when the whole night you did nothing but read and type.

Say that again to my face when you realize you're all alone when old and no one wanna take care of you.

Say that again to my face when it's storming outside and all you wanna do is snuggle in bed and sleep, but you can't due to work.

Fuck you. The last straw for you? Same for me. Enough of accusations. You think you're right?

Well, FUCK YOU.

I'll get lost as you wanted. OK. Thanks! Bye.