TAKE THIS SONOFABITCH ACHE AWAY FROM ME AND GTFO OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!
ARGHHHHHHHH!~!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Call
Should you ever want to, my number is the same.
Should it ever change, I'll make sure you know.
I'm still a friend, and not some stranger.
So should you ever wish to make a call,
You just need to pick up that phone.
I will always make time for you,
Though forgive me if I am tardy.
For that is simply me,
The useless, clumsy me.
Should it ever change, I'll make sure you know.
I'm still a friend, and not some stranger.
So should you ever wish to make a call,
You just need to pick up that phone.
I will always make time for you,
Though forgive me if I am tardy.
For that is simply me,
The useless, clumsy me.
CNY 2012
Bad bad bad.
It's the coldest CNY I've ever been through. Yes, the temperature, the weather is cold.
But that's not what I meant.
Call it my blessing, call it my curse. I see beyond the veil of untruths and lies that lay before our very eyes.
This reunion dinner was devoid of warmth. Just like how my dad was telling me.
Myself? Yeah, I had lots to think about. Way to much to think about, way too many things to remind me of things I do not wish to remember.
Just spring cleaning was a heartache in and of itself. I saw too many things, remembered too many memories.
Adding on is the superstitious fact that Feng-shui Masters and Fortune tellers (if you believe them) are saying that the Year of the Dragon is a shitty one for people born in the Year of the Hare/Rabbit.
(Hah, yet another memory that's fucked up surfacing right now.)
I've been hurt too badly. Nothing can help me now.
It isn't about forgiveness or forgetting. It's the wound that remains. A wound that refuses to heal. A wound that keeps tearing itself open whenever it gets reminded.
And me being me? I get reminded. A lot.
All I wish for now is a clear state of mind, free from distractions so that I can get my work/school done. It's my final semester and I've barely touched on my FYP. I pray I won't get into trouble.
It's the coldest CNY I've ever been through. Yes, the temperature, the weather is cold.
But that's not what I meant.
Call it my blessing, call it my curse. I see beyond the veil of untruths and lies that lay before our very eyes.
This reunion dinner was devoid of warmth. Just like how my dad was telling me.
Myself? Yeah, I had lots to think about. Way to much to think about, way too many things to remind me of things I do not wish to remember.
Just spring cleaning was a heartache in and of itself. I saw too many things, remembered too many memories.
Adding on is the superstitious fact that Feng-shui Masters and Fortune tellers (if you believe them) are saying that the Year of the Dragon is a shitty one for people born in the Year of the Hare/Rabbit.
(Hah, yet another memory that's fucked up surfacing right now.)
I've been hurt too badly. Nothing can help me now.
It isn't about forgiveness or forgetting. It's the wound that remains. A wound that refuses to heal. A wound that keeps tearing itself open whenever it gets reminded.
And me being me? I get reminded. A lot.
All I wish for now is a clear state of mind, free from distractions so that I can get my work/school done. It's my final semester and I've barely touched on my FYP. I pray I won't get into trouble.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Worth
Had a rather bad argument with my mom over a stupid thing that's directly related to her.
Yes, the topic at hand wasn't about her but it as a minor thing that I have to take a constant /facepalm to.
My mom insists that her bikini, which she leaves at my house, is something of a bother, because she believes Men shouldn't touch Women's underwear; it's unlucky and bad.
However, the issue here was me telling her that she was making a big fuss out of it, and as much as I disagree with her superstitiousness, I told her I did as she said and didn't touch it.
Still, that's not enough to convince her.
Yesterday, the night before, I went on a dramatic confrontation between a man and his wife, and a third-party who was a close friend to the 3 of them. It ended up just the friend and the man, minus the wife. Still, with all of the crap that happened, I've accomplished the objectives I've set out to do.
What the issue now is.. is it all worth it?
I don't even know why I bother doing the things I do. I don't even value this relationship anymore. Why should I even be caring a damn thing about it?
Omen or not, haha. I lost the ring. It happened once before, and knowing it was a bad thing, I wanted to get a replacement ASAP (back then). I still remember her telling me: "No need. I've made it clear before if I'm ever getting anything, it'll be a real ring with a real purpose."
I disagreed, but hey, do people listen to me? No.
Funny, given my track record of getting things right when I disagree, which is almost 100%. Hah.
This time round, again, it got lost at a time when things were starting to go downhill. Perhaps its Fate again then, starting to spin its wheels again, taking us to places unknown.
Yes, the topic at hand wasn't about her but it as a minor thing that I have to take a constant /facepalm to.
My mom insists that her bikini, which she leaves at my house, is something of a bother, because she believes Men shouldn't touch Women's underwear; it's unlucky and bad.
However, the issue here was me telling her that she was making a big fuss out of it, and as much as I disagree with her superstitiousness, I told her I did as she said and didn't touch it.
Still, that's not enough to convince her.
Yesterday, the night before, I went on a dramatic confrontation between a man and his wife, and a third-party who was a close friend to the 3 of them. It ended up just the friend and the man, minus the wife. Still, with all of the crap that happened, I've accomplished the objectives I've set out to do.
What the issue now is.. is it all worth it?
I don't even know why I bother doing the things I do. I don't even value this relationship anymore. Why should I even be caring a damn thing about it?
Omen or not, haha. I lost the ring. It happened once before, and knowing it was a bad thing, I wanted to get a replacement ASAP (back then). I still remember her telling me: "No need. I've made it clear before if I'm ever getting anything, it'll be a real ring with a real purpose."
I disagreed, but hey, do people listen to me? No.
Funny, given my track record of getting things right when I disagree, which is almost 100%. Hah.
This time round, again, it got lost at a time when things were starting to go downhill. Perhaps its Fate again then, starting to spin its wheels again, taking us to places unknown.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Storm
My life is going to shit.
Everything I knew is disappearing or changing.
It's like I'm living in a raging storm, not knowing what to expect, fearing the aftermath of the storm.
I always believed that I am someone who's able to handle changes, someone who can adapt easily. That is still true, except that the changes I see being brought about by this storm.. is ridiculous.
Everything that is in my life: my family, my friends, my school, my work, my relationships, my surroundings, my environments, the society I live in.. is changing.
How is it possible that so much can change in so little a time?
This is crazy.
Everything I knew is disappearing or changing.
It's like I'm living in a raging storm, not knowing what to expect, fearing the aftermath of the storm.
I always believed that I am someone who's able to handle changes, someone who can adapt easily. That is still true, except that the changes I see being brought about by this storm.. is ridiculous.
Everything that is in my life: my family, my friends, my school, my work, my relationships, my surroundings, my environments, the society I live in.. is changing.
How is it possible that so much can change in so little a time?
This is crazy.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Dreams
I had a dream sometime last week.
It was... interesting.
I was in a HDB apartment somewhere I couldn't recognize. But the people in it.. hmm.
It didn't feel like I belonged there. In fact, it felt like I was sneaking in.
And you were there. With me. Doing what we always did, like nothing had ever happened.
Your mom was there too, chatting with us like there was nothing wrong.
But we were afraid. Afraid of your dad.
Hence we kept peeking at the main doors to the apartment, so that the moment he came home, I would hide. Or run away.
But he never came home. And there I was.
Comfortable. Relaxed. Pleasant.
I hadn't felt that way in a long time.
When I woke up, I knew, it was a dream.
But it felt so real. Yet my mind knows its a dream.
There was sadness, there was sorrow.
And the first thought that came to my mind was: Is that supposed to be a message?
A message to make me figure out what I wanted?
It was... interesting.
I was in a HDB apartment somewhere I couldn't recognize. But the people in it.. hmm.
It didn't feel like I belonged there. In fact, it felt like I was sneaking in.
And you were there. With me. Doing what we always did, like nothing had ever happened.
Your mom was there too, chatting with us like there was nothing wrong.
But we were afraid. Afraid of your dad.
Hence we kept peeking at the main doors to the apartment, so that the moment he came home, I would hide. Or run away.
But he never came home. And there I was.
Comfortable. Relaxed. Pleasant.
I hadn't felt that way in a long time.
When I woke up, I knew, it was a dream.
But it felt so real. Yet my mind knows its a dream.
There was sadness, there was sorrow.
And the first thought that came to my mind was: Is that supposed to be a message?
A message to make me figure out what I wanted?
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
I don't understand
Why is it that you can claim to love so deep..
.. but yet be unable to do anything for love?
Why is it that you can put yourself through so much pain..
.. when you couldn't even deal with a slight pinch from before?
Why is it that you insist on having things your way..
.. only to realize that your way is not the way?
Why is it that you refuse to take a step back..
.. only to have to retreat miles away when shit happens?
Why is it that you always chose to wait..
.. when you could have made things happen?
Why is it that you must wait until you have experienced what loss is..
.. before you begin to treasure what you have?
Why is it that you must make everything so complicated and frustrating..
.. when it was all so simple and clean?
Why is it that you must let this happen..
.. when I have always been warning you about it?
Looking back, I have been nothing but honest with you.
You knew what I was thinking.
You knew what I predicted would happen is happening.
You knew that things were taking a turn for the worse but yet chose to ignore the warning signs.
You've asked me questions of which I've answered you truthfully with. Have you never considered, for example, why I would ask for your permission to do the stuff I wanted to with other girls? Why would I want to do that, if I already had everything I wanted, done by you? And more importantly, why do I bother ASKING you in the first place, when I could've just done them without you knowing anything about it?
I thought about what I've wanted from you or wanted you to change about, and even after so long, I still feel that they're minor things:
- don't argue with me over/about the phone
- if you wanna trash things out, we'll meet and talk face to face
- learn to make-up for yourself to be presentable or for special occasions
- dress a little better (better than looking like you crawled outta a hole somewhere, at least?)
- be more intimate to me, behave more like a girlfriend than a "oh i barely know you" friend
And despite those, others than points 1 and 2, have I ever given you shit for not fulfilling my requests? Never. So tell me, why do I put up with your shit for so long? And now you keep wishing for us to have a chance. I'd love to. I'd really, really love to. But look at what you've done to us.
Thanks. Really thanks. Heart pain indeed. Hah.
And I'll never forget 8th June 2010. Thanks.
.. but yet be unable to do anything for love?
Why is it that you can put yourself through so much pain..
.. when you couldn't even deal with a slight pinch from before?
Why is it that you insist on having things your way..
.. only to realize that your way is not the way?
Why is it that you refuse to take a step back..
.. only to have to retreat miles away when shit happens?
Why is it that you always chose to wait..
.. when you could have made things happen?
Why is it that you must wait until you have experienced what loss is..
.. before you begin to treasure what you have?
Why is it that you must make everything so complicated and frustrating..
.. when it was all so simple and clean?
Why is it that you must let this happen..
.. when I have always been warning you about it?
Looking back, I have been nothing but honest with you.
You knew what I was thinking.
You knew what I predicted would happen is happening.
You knew that things were taking a turn for the worse but yet chose to ignore the warning signs.
You've asked me questions of which I've answered you truthfully with. Have you never considered, for example, why I would ask for your permission to do the stuff I wanted to with other girls? Why would I want to do that, if I already had everything I wanted, done by you? And more importantly, why do I bother ASKING you in the first place, when I could've just done them without you knowing anything about it?
I thought about what I've wanted from you or wanted you to change about, and even after so long, I still feel that they're minor things:
- don't argue with me over/about the phone
- if you wanna trash things out, we'll meet and talk face to face
- learn to make-up for yourself to be presentable or for special occasions
- dress a little better (better than looking like you crawled outta a hole somewhere, at least?)
- be more intimate to me, behave more like a girlfriend than a "oh i barely know you" friend
And despite those, others than points 1 and 2, have I ever given you shit for not fulfilling my requests? Never. So tell me, why do I put up with your shit for so long? And now you keep wishing for us to have a chance. I'd love to. I'd really, really love to. But look at what you've done to us.
Thanks. Really thanks. Heart pain indeed. Hah.
And I'll never forget 8th June 2010. Thanks.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Monday, January 02, 2012
2012
Alas. The Year of Doom and Gloom is here.
Even if one is to ignore the predictions and prophecies of our upcoming doom and the death of the world as we know it.. Little on the horizon is worth looking forward to.
World economy is dying. The main antagonists of Capitalism (the U.S. and the European nations) are under fire and have little hope left.
Russia, China and the remaining developing countries are all either Socialist/Communist in some form or have no regards to Capitalism and will forsake it as soon as the shit hits the fan.
And that's just the financial world.
The words of an inept "Director" at the "Careers and Academics Office" in NTU continues to ring in my ears and make me laugh always:
"Ah, all you students going for your Industrial Attachment this year! Much to look forward to! In a year or two you'll graduate, and with that, the recovered economy will mean an easy time for you to get a job!"
This was in 2010.
When I first heard it? I knew this was one useless guy, in a rather important position in a rather well-known/prestigious school.
2012 is one year I don't look forward to.
Something tells me this year isn't gonna be pretty.
Even if one is to ignore the predictions and prophecies of our upcoming doom and the death of the world as we know it.. Little on the horizon is worth looking forward to.
World economy is dying. The main antagonists of Capitalism (the U.S. and the European nations) are under fire and have little hope left.
Russia, China and the remaining developing countries are all either Socialist/Communist in some form or have no regards to Capitalism and will forsake it as soon as the shit hits the fan.
And that's just the financial world.
The words of an inept "Director" at the "Careers and Academics Office" in NTU continues to ring in my ears and make me laugh always:
"Ah, all you students going for your Industrial Attachment this year! Much to look forward to! In a year or two you'll graduate, and with that, the recovered economy will mean an easy time for you to get a job!"
This was in 2010.
When I first heard it? I knew this was one useless guy, in a rather important position in a rather well-known/prestigious school.
2012 is one year I don't look forward to.
Something tells me this year isn't gonna be pretty.
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