Memories

Blink an eye and its November.

It's been a year.

The memories still come back to haunt me.. But they're pleasant ones.

Awesome, sweet, loving memories. Days long gone, destroyed by two idiots who decided they were unsatisfied with their lives.

Well. At least I made my choice after trying so hard to make things work. After going beyond what was required of me. After trying so hard that I'd done the ultimatum and more.

All that ruined because of a damned paper.

Forget it.

Let me reminisce in the sweet memories of those days, through eyes blurred with tears, a heart full of pain and a face wet with sorrow.

I love you.

These 3 words holds such significant meaning from me to you.. Yet they were never received properly.

That day, at your house, I recalled with vivid memory, of your joy and your laughter as you got taken by surprise at my gift of the iPod touch that you'd always wanted. You never expected that I would buy it, seeing I'm such an anti-Apple person. You never expected that I would buy it for no reason others than simply wanting to see you happy. You never expected that my love for you goes beyond material means.

And yet you still made the fucked up choices which led to today.

Never in my life did I expect to tear so much.
Never in my life did I expect to give a shit about the far-fetched concept of "love".
Never in my life did I expect I would give so much, care so much and want so much for a person.

Yet here I am. Crying in solitude. Burying my sorrows on the WWW.

Thank you for the memories. I'll carry them in my heart until the day I rest for eternity. On the positive side, I now have a "Cry" button installed in my soul. =)

Thank you.

Desire, revisited

You asked me how I want you to change.

I told you: everything.

Because you just don't goddamned understand whatever the hell it is I want.

Just love me, pure and simple.

This is something you have never done. In your mind, you think, what you're doing is love.

Tell me about your "love" when you have all your restrictions and considerations and reservations and problems with me.

Tell me about your "love" when planning for the future involves me having to suck thumb and follow your will.

Tell me about your "love" when all you can go on about is "the future, the future, the future".

Fuck all that shit.

What matters is here.
What matters is now.
What matters is me.

You still don't get it. Just stop thinking. Stop worrying. Stop denying. Stop hesitating. Stop arguing. Stop being stubborn.

Just respect me, listen to me, do as I say and S.T.F.U.

And it will all be OK.

Because you realized something? EVERYTHING goes to shit when we listen to you.

Hence stop. Shut up. You may be right sometimes, but please. Just. Stop.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up. and L.I.S.T.E.N. and O.B.E.Y. Since you can't get anything else right.

How tough is that? Very?

Then I offer you the ultimatum.

G.T.F.O.

In other words:

GET THE FUCK OUT!

Point

The both of you don't seem to get the point.

It's not your love or your devotion or your efforts that I doubt.

It is in the way you treat me, the way you think of me, the way you do things around me that is pissing me off and is causing trouble for me and you.

Hah. This post seems so bloody ridiculous.

What's the point when the both of you don't fucking understand my point?

OR understand ME for that matter?

And you call yourself a girlfriend? And you claim to love me?

Please.

I've always been alone, and I'm still alone. Girlfriends notwithstanding; I'm a loner and will forever be a loner.

I'm right in saying that I don't need a girlfriend. What's the point of having one when she's not performing her role as a girlfriend?

Just be friends. Plain and simple.

Hurt

You never knew.

You told me she would be someone who would hurt me badly in the future.

You're right.

But you never knew.

You were the one who hurt me the most.




By the way, thank you for your insults. After being with me for 4.5 years, you can expect that of me? Thank you for insulting me for 4.5 years. Thank you.

LOL

There was once a dude. Who was fucked up in more ways then one.

We shall call him: "Dude-Whose-Son-Will-Be-Born-Without-An-Asshole" A.K.A. DWSWBBWAA.

So, Mr. DWSWBBWAA used to call his girlfriend FAT, UGLY, USELESS, among other derogatory terms.

And now his girlfriend dumped him, so fine.

Now his NEW girlfriend is exactly what he used to complain about, except its much worse. She's REALLY FAT, VERY UGLY, and COMPLETELY USELESS.

Let us wish Mr. DWSWBBWAA all the best with his future. =)

End of story.


--------


I pity the girl though. Despite her flaws, she still shouldn't have chose him.

Tsk tsk. Well. Stupidity is a prevalent infection in this world. Oh well.

LOL indeed.

Mr. Right

Righto! Right indeed! We need more Mr. Left's!

Mmm-kay. Back to topic.

Recently, the advent of "ZOMG~! I missed Mr. Right! ARGHH KILL ME!!~!" posters/pictures/quotes/*insert intellectual property here* is beginning to circulate with renewed fervor on the Net.

Or rather, Tumblr and Facebook, exclusively, since that's where I saw them.

Here's the thing ladies. You proclaim the following about guys:

1) All guys are nasty.
(cause YOU chose the nasty ones)

2) Timing is a problem!
(cause YOU thought that you were hot stuff, only to regret later)

3) Chemistry is a problem!
(Cause YOU didn't bother trying to know the guy better)

4) I didn't know the guy was sweet-talking me!
(cause YOU chose to believe in his BS lies)

5) Guys are only after my body!
(cause YOU chose to be with guys just wanna get in your pants)

And the list can go on! But with just FIVE, I'm sick of all the excuses given, sick of all the crap, sick of all the bullshit, and hence I shall not bother trying to kill myself with nausea listing everything out.

*My inner-female gives me great insight, and hence I thank her.*

Look here, BITCHES. <- yeah, i'm being offensive, cause after 12 years of knowing this romance nonsense, I'm more than pissed with girls saying shit like this.

You CHOSE, of your own FREE WILL, to hang-out/date/love/kiss/hug/sleep/have-sex-with/get-abused-by guys who are fucked-up/uncommitted/diseased/assholes/violent/pigs/retarded/brain-dead.

And then you turn around and address to the world: All guys are *insert nasty adjective here*.

Who is the shameless retard here? You gave up on all the other potential guys who wanted to love you wholeheartedly and to care for you, only to be scorned because of their looks/pockets/traits/background.

Hello?

I kinda think you deserve your situation! More often than not, what are you girls thinking?

*Oh I'm young, I have a great-ass/long-legs/big-boobs/pretty-face/large-eyes. I can play around! Yeah, "PARTY ON BABEH! All that other guys than aren't up to "Standard"? Stand aside dudes.*

Yup, and then you sleep around, fuck around, mess around, fling around, flirt around. And get hurt and abused, cheapened cause you sleep around like a whore.

And then when you grow old, your boobs sag, your cellulite builds, your abs goes to shit, you start thinking:

*Hmm.. It's high-time I got hitched! No one would want a old woman like me! ZOMG! GO GO GO! MR RIGHT?! WHERE R YOU?!?!?!*

And all of sudden! WHAM BAM BOOM!

Nerd guy #1 from 5 years back looks like Mr. Ritchie Rich!
Geek dude #3 from Sec Sch looks like Brad Pitt, albeit after too much junk food!
Pri-Sch Sweetheart #122 seems like Mr. Butler, catering to your every needs!

Wow! All the hot guys, and what!? They're all attached??? Aww... =(

"Timing", you blame. "Chemistry", you blame.

Everything, but yourselves.

And in defense, what do you say? (Oh this is my favourite!)

*IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY, YOU DON'T REGARD HER PAST!*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *let me catch my breath here*

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

OF COURSE YOU'D SAY "IN THE NAME OF LOVE"! YOU'D INVOKE CUPID AND EROS TO SMITE DOWN ALL WHO TARNISH THE NAME OF "LOVE"!

Please. Please. Please.

This is what you girls like to call us guys all the time.

This is called:

Desperate.



It's like so totally shameless! You sleep around for a good half of your life, then you do an about-turn as you age and realize you aren't so hot anymore, then expect guys to still want you because "Oh you love me and hence you shouldn't judge me by my past".

If we do that, that's your bonus, cause we really love you. It's a privilege, not an entitlement. There are plenty of trees out there in the forest to choose from.

Don't get snarky.

And poor stupid guys fall for the same shit all the time, over and over again.

*Yes baby! I love you! Your past don't matter!! hahahahaha! let's make love and get married and have 34241 babies of whom probably belongs to some other shit dude who's screwing another girl in a hotel somewhere!*

Tsk tsk.

This world really needs a reset button.

Oh. Here you go: Good shit I found recently.

Tell me what to do

I know what to do.

And that's the problem.

You know that I know what to do, and hence you never bother telling me what to do, leaving things as they are, because you know that I'd solve it all for you.

That's that problem.

I want you to tell me what to do. Not to wait for me to do it on my own, despite myself knowing full well what to do. It sounds insane, but this is exactly what I want. Stop letting me take over and do everything on my own.

Tell me what to do. And stop ignoring me when you're pissed.

Kill

I feel like murdering somebody.

...

Just kidding. =P

I think my multiple personality issue is getting pretty serious, especially of late. I can be so gentle and lovingly sweet the whole day, just to flare up and turn into a vulgar, offensively violent beast that night.

Gawd. This has to stop.

All these conflicting opinions are too much sometimes. It's freaks me out when I can actually think "Hmm, forget this, I'm feeling good and wanna be nice" and "Okay bitch, you're getting it" AT THE SAME TIME.

Wow.

Toothache

I realize my current situation is pretty much.. like a toothache.

You see.. All these constant pains and aches and troubles.. they're exactly like a toothache. It's irritating, it stays in place, it doesn't goes away and you get into trouble when you eat. You suffer from swollen jaws, bleeding issues. You can't bite, sometimes affecting speech badly. And the ultimatum comes when it hurts so fucking bad you can't do shit until you extract it.

Yes. exactly how I'm feeling now.

So simple solution isn't it? Toothache? See a dentist! Get the offending tooth removed. Done! Ta-dah! Get dentures if necessary, else pray you're young and your teeth still grows.

Yet like all elegant solutions.. there's always the fucked-up catch: The Pain.

The pain of the extraction, the fear of going to the dentist, and amount of losses you have to put up with (money for consultation, loss of time, loss of appetite i.e. can't eat, etc).. is also the exact same with my situation.

I can't let it go right now because no matter how much it hurts, the constant dull pain still beats the worse off pain of an extraction.

Yes I'm lying to myself, the eventuality of the extraction will still come.

But until the moment of choice, I'd prefer to delay it for as long as I can.

Perhaps I'm just waiting for the next one to come along and hence push me forward to end it all.

Probably that.

I'm just a coward afterall.

Flow

And it keeps flowing, on and on, without cause, without reason, without hesitation.

I surprised myself.

Johnny Depp

I know.. =|

Control

Surprisingly, when one thinks about it long enough.. will one then be able to understand what that nagging subconscious thought was.

Control.

To be able to control and to be controlled. Sounds illogical and yet so simple.

I needed that person to control me, to prevent me from going astray. I needed that person to be able to make me be willing to do so willingly, and be obedient enough to obey my wishes.

Clearly this is not the case, whether before or after. I thought I had found it, but realize now that it is impossible, due to deceit and uncertainty.

Hence my search begins anew. =)


It is only a matter of time.