Home

Someone once said to me:

"Do you even understand how it feels like to have a home but be unable to return to it?"

"Do you know how bad it feels to be homesick but not being able to do a damn thing about it?"

"How could you understand how I feel when you have a home to return to anytime you want?"

Yes, I've been through this before, but I guess, with recent events, I'd like to print my thoughts down on paper (or e-paper, since this is a blog).

My reply was simple:

"What makes you think I have a home? Just because it's a place, full of people I call 'family' doesn't makes it a 'home'. You're the one who doesn't understand, simply because you're homesick and have an awesome home/family. You don't have to deal with the shit I have to deal with, you don't experience the kinda feelings I get when I return home to a place where I don't belong, you don't understand how out of place it's like when you go 'home' and have no place of your own. You just don't."

My message, still stands.

From today onwards, I'm not gonna be home whenever I can. The only times I'll be home is when my sister/brother is out and I can make use of their room to shut myself in (Keyword here: THEIR ROOM). Staying in the open/living room was apparently a bad idea; why the fuck would I wanna stay in the common area and leave my stuff in the open for everyone to see when I'm a freakin' personal person?

Reason simply being: I wanted to have interactions with the family!

Guess what? Fuck this shit. My actions, thoughts and efforts are misunderstood and unappreciated? Sure. Fuck all these then. For fuck am I doing all these shit for? I prefer to shut myself off and be alone. Perfect! Trying to be different for my family is unwanted? Sure. Most honored and happy to change back to what I want.

So dad, You want your "peaceful" home? You have it. Take it. I'm the chaotic element; I'll leave.

Though the irony at how your disrupt your own peace due to your own screwed up mind set never fails to amaze me.

Just think about it: When you have 6 kids, 5 of them leaving the house for their own lives and wanting less to do with the house? You go figure what's wrong.

Since your last kid wanted to make a difference, but instead everything turned to shit? Sure, who am I to argue or fight against the tides for? I'll use your own words: "Change: When the wind changes, turn your sails to match it".

I'll do that. I'll join my brothers and sisters and leave. I feel better that way.

Thanks indeed.

As for you, the one who thinks I'm so lucky to have a home to return to? You'll never understand. Yes, I don't have to deal with broken family, etc, whatever. But hah! How's this any different from a broken family?

Whatever. Just a few more months to graduation and I'm getting the fuck out. Freedom to do whatever I want.

Bursting

There's so much I wanna say, so much I wanna rant, so much pent up inside me that I am going to burst anytime soon.

This blog isn't sufficient, and I wonder why. I don't wish to talk to thin air. Facebook posting doesn't help either, neither do I wanna make emo posts all day and irritate the fuck out of people that aren't interested.

I need someone to talk to who cares about me.

Haha. The irony. Knowing that people who cares exist but unable to tell them everything.

The only 2 people in this world that I was able to rant to turned out to be my greatest sources of sorrow instead. Hah.

Irony, irony.

Shitstorm

And it hits, unexpected, today, for no reason, in a form I had never considered:

My dad.

Wow. Life continues to surprise me. Gotta love it.

Naive

Crying.

Crying, crying, crying.

The tears just come and go, like a little baby.

"Naive.", I said. "You're too naive.", I said.

Coming to think of it, I think I'm the naive one.

I expected everything to be simple (what is?), to be clear (when has it ever?) to be perfect (hah!).

But I end up loving and hating the both of them.

One of them, took my loyalty, happiness and future away.

The other, took my faith, trust and sincerity.

Tears keep falling. I am breaking.

Looking at the pictures I salvaged from my old computer (which I never thought would ever be possible again).. Only served to remind me of what was taken from me.

No. I do not blame them for the entirety of what I am today. For I made my choices and hence arrived at the conclusion that is now.

But in the process of moving together towards the future, I still don't understand.

How can one claim to love so much, yet take so much away from me, hurting me in the process? I am always willing to give, is that my fault? Being to trusting and giving when I shouldn't have? To love truly and deeply and be accused of "you don't love me enough", "you make me insecure", "you're always dating other girls"...

What? I've never once betrayed you! Why do I have to face such shit from you?

"Stay happy", my friend said.

"I wish him happiness", she said.

Hah. Bullshit.

I've lost my happiness 2 years ago.

It's never coming back, even if I make the choices to go back. Cause it has been taken away from me. Never to return again.

This is what you never knew you took from me. This is the hurt you've dealt to me. This is the pain you've never knew or seen me bear.

For why would you? You're always assuming, assuming, assuming. Yep. You still are. So go on, enjoy yourself. Continuing assuming the way you always have.

You think I'm having fun, I don't deny.

You think I'm enjoying myself, I don't deny.

You think I'm happy.

You're wrong.

You have no idea how I grasp at straws and desperate means and measures to make myself "happy".

You have no idea how I live day-to-day lying to myself telling myself to be happy, to find funny things to laugh at, to waste my time, life and effort all just to "be happy"

You have absolutely no idea how much time I think about stuff. Over and over and over again in my fucking brains when I'm sleeping/eating/studying/playing/talking/chatting/stoning/you name it.

And you say I hate you.

Why do you think I hate you?

Why do you think I won't hate you when you've taken my happiness away?

Why do you think I won't hate you when I put all of myself into the gamble that was June '10?

Fuck you.

I am broken. You win. You've defeated me.

You're right, she would hurt me, she did. Only that I don't regret it. Cause my happiness no longer exists anyway.

I never had a choice in the matter. Never. It was all you, you and you.

You didn't know, despite how you may claim, the choices I made time and again for you.

Did you so naively think that we could possible walk down this long long path for so long so stably without me pulling strings?

You never knew.

You never knew.

You'll never know.

SMS

22nd February 2012, 2:04AM

Sunny Day with Rain (wonder how that works o.O)

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Dear Diary,

Today marks the first time in my life where I actually waited for people to SMS (i.e. Short Message System, or aptly, Texting) me. And it didn't happen. Been waiting for it since 7 in the evening yesterday until now, 2 in the morning. I still didn't get my SMS(s) and I wonder what happened.

Ok, I think I lied. I've probably waited before for people to text me back with regards to some plan, or is awaiting some form of reply, or something else.

Back to the topic: A certain someone was supposed to get back to me with regards to plans tomorrow (i.e. today) and I've been waiting to know when and where we're supposed to meet. I have an issue with sleeping and waking hours, and hence must know the time and place to meet beforehand.

The result? A high likelihood that I'll be in dreamland until 2 PM in the afternoon tomorrow, most likely too late to do anything, or I've overslept people's expectations of me showing up early in the afternoon/morning (which is an almost impossible thing).

So.. fine. What's done is done, I suppose to culprit in question is sleeping and hence I'll probably just text her anyway later before I sleep (or something) and hope I get woken up by the text notification the next day morning.

The other SMS was I waiting for.. was kinda a reply. It's probably my bad since I didn't exactly key in my previous messages as a question.. more of a statement, an angry one at that. Still, I would've expected a reply or an extortion of some kind.. but I didn't get any.

A probable reaction I got was very likely in the form of a facebook update saying:

"I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired. I just wanna sleep. Zzz."

Now, that almost seems to make it sound like I'm the one who caused her tiredness! (Yes, another female. Hooray.) But why am I the one feeling the taxing exhaustion? Hmmm.. I wonder why indeed.

So here I am, in the middle of the night, yet to take my bath, reading FUUUU comics and 9gag nonsense to keep my tormented spirits up, trying to stop procrastinating and instead go do my statics (which I've been ignoring for far too long). And then bath and wait for my hair to dry and go to sleep. Of which I'd probably have a meal somewhere in between.

And the craziest thing is I'm actually spamming blog sites and facebook, refreshing them hoping that I'd be able to catch a glimpse of some kinda update.. only to realize I'm probably the only fool and idiot stupid enough not to be sleeping at this hour.

*Well who the hell posts shit at this hour others than myself anyway? I'm getting dumber by the day*

Yep. A hopeless waiting and a shitty feel that somehow, I've been viewed as unimportant.. or being tested.. or have just achieved making my "shut the fuck up, I'm talking and if you have nothing better to say, go to sleep!" sentiments known telepathically.

Oh well. All in a day's work for me.

Time to do my statics and hit the showers.. and probably a meal (damn I'm getting hungry again).

Good night!

Regards,

K.

P.S.: Did I mention that I had a test today? Somehow it felt really easy. One of those rare exams! haha. And yeah, I need to score like a badass this sem if I hope to pull my honors up by 0.02 to the next level. Something tells me my FYP lecturer isn't gonna make that easy! Hhahahahhaa.

P.P.S.: I want buffet!

P.P.P.S.: I want my ASUS Transformer!

P.P.P.P.S.: I want my games and consoles and play games like a fail-kid/society-scumbag/homeless-bum/useless-retard until I'm happy then look for a job!

P.P.P.P.P.S.: Looking for Work, if employment is available please call! 1800-I'LL-WORK-FOR-FOOD.

*End of Entry*

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Over-estimated

I am not God, people!

Stop assuming I can read your minds!

If I can, I would, and if I can, then I wouldn't be needing to write shit like these cause I would be able to make you guys do whatever I want and be happy!

Stop thinking that I know what you all want!

Just. Tell. Me.

Is it that hard? Why do people constantly expect me to know what they're thinking and what they want?

Hello? If I knew I wouldn't ask! If I could I wouldn't be constantly be getting into shit and trouble!

Perhaps it'll make so much more sense to start behaving stupid from now on.

Feb 14

And it's the 2nd year I spent it alone! =)

First year was down with rashes and felt like shit..

Second year was cause I wanted to be alone.. and felt like shit.

Oh well. =)

Amazed

Been awhile since I last wrote an entry. Really busy, too rushed to get stuff done and hence not a lot of time to think and dwell on shit. The times that I do? I forget to key them into a entry because I'm either trying to put them off, or having something else come up that I have to deal with, and hence end up with no time to myself.

Here I am, supposed to do my e-lectures, and haha, as usual, slacking off and doing something I shouldn't.

I realize that everytime I take some time off this blog, and whenever I come back and re-read my latest posts (or the older ones), I can't help but feel amazed: "Did I write all that stuff?"

I mean, yes, the vague memory of my hammering my thoughts and feelings into the posts did come back to me in a form that goes: "Hmm.. Yes, I did something like that, but..".

The "But" is the key here. Fragmented memories and recollection of the things I mentioned come and go, and the weirdest thing of all is that it feels like I'm reading something that's written by another person, except I know, it was myself.

Whatever, time enough to ponder when I'm free.

I've been toying with the idea of creating a newer, public blogspot page. One that is the complete opposite of this. One that's bright, full of sunshine, jokes and pictures.

This cold, dark one will remain anonymous (except to those few who knows of its existent and those who stumble onto this, and manages to find out who it belongs to.. =D).

I guess having 2 blogs would be a good thing as everything in life has 2 sides to it.. myself included. No one will know the real me. No one will ever discover the true me. Because after the events that has transpired in the past year has taught me valuable lessons that will forever stay etched in my heart, my brain, my soul.

Never will I cease to remind myself of the painful lessons that I've gone through before.

"Depend on yourself. Never believe or trust in another to aid you, for it has never happened."

My words from my secondary school days have returned to haunt me. I was right, but years of self-efficiency and exposure to people who cared has made me weak. My days in University has reminded and reinforced me of the harsh truth that I've always known. Perhaps it is a good thing then, to be slapped in the face now instead of in the future, when consequences would be much more impossible to bear.

I have changed. This I know. And this change will be for me to know, and not for the world to discover. The irony is, as much as this blog is my bottomless pit of endless self-pitying and discard of my purest forms of thoughts and feelings.. I will never express my true self. Ever.

For I am unable to do so anymore.