Amazed

Been awhile since I last wrote an entry. Really busy, too rushed to get stuff done and hence not a lot of time to think and dwell on shit. The times that I do? I forget to key them into a entry because I'm either trying to put them off, or having something else come up that I have to deal with, and hence end up with no time to myself.

Here I am, supposed to do my e-lectures, and haha, as usual, slacking off and doing something I shouldn't.

I realize that everytime I take some time off this blog, and whenever I come back and re-read my latest posts (or the older ones), I can't help but feel amazed: "Did I write all that stuff?"

I mean, yes, the vague memory of my hammering my thoughts and feelings into the posts did come back to me in a form that goes: "Hmm.. Yes, I did something like that, but..".

The "But" is the key here. Fragmented memories and recollection of the things I mentioned come and go, and the weirdest thing of all is that it feels like I'm reading something that's written by another person, except I know, it was myself.

Whatever, time enough to ponder when I'm free.

I've been toying with the idea of creating a newer, public blogspot page. One that is the complete opposite of this. One that's bright, full of sunshine, jokes and pictures.

This cold, dark one will remain anonymous (except to those few who knows of its existent and those who stumble onto this, and manages to find out who it belongs to.. =D).

I guess having 2 blogs would be a good thing as everything in life has 2 sides to it.. myself included. No one will know the real me. No one will ever discover the true me. Because after the events that has transpired in the past year has taught me valuable lessons that will forever stay etched in my heart, my brain, my soul.

Never will I cease to remind myself of the painful lessons that I've gone through before.

"Depend on yourself. Never believe or trust in another to aid you, for it has never happened."

My words from my secondary school days have returned to haunt me. I was right, but years of self-efficiency and exposure to people who cared has made me weak. My days in University has reminded and reinforced me of the harsh truth that I've always known. Perhaps it is a good thing then, to be slapped in the face now instead of in the future, when consequences would be much more impossible to bear.

I have changed. This I know. And this change will be for me to know, and not for the world to discover. The irony is, as much as this blog is my bottomless pit of endless self-pitying and discard of my purest forms of thoughts and feelings.. I will never express my true self. Ever.

For I am unable to do so anymore.