Naive

Crying.

Crying, crying, crying.

The tears just come and go, like a little baby.

"Naive.", I said. "You're too naive.", I said.

Coming to think of it, I think I'm the naive one.

I expected everything to be simple (what is?), to be clear (when has it ever?) to be perfect (hah!).

But I end up loving and hating the both of them.

One of them, took my loyalty, happiness and future away.

The other, took my faith, trust and sincerity.

Tears keep falling. I am breaking.

Looking at the pictures I salvaged from my old computer (which I never thought would ever be possible again).. Only served to remind me of what was taken from me.

No. I do not blame them for the entirety of what I am today. For I made my choices and hence arrived at the conclusion that is now.

But in the process of moving together towards the future, I still don't understand.

How can one claim to love so much, yet take so much away from me, hurting me in the process? I am always willing to give, is that my fault? Being to trusting and giving when I shouldn't have? To love truly and deeply and be accused of "you don't love me enough", "you make me insecure", "you're always dating other girls"...

What? I've never once betrayed you! Why do I have to face such shit from you?

"Stay happy", my friend said.

"I wish him happiness", she said.

Hah. Bullshit.

I've lost my happiness 2 years ago.

It's never coming back, even if I make the choices to go back. Cause it has been taken away from me. Never to return again.

This is what you never knew you took from me. This is the hurt you've dealt to me. This is the pain you've never knew or seen me bear.

For why would you? You're always assuming, assuming, assuming. Yep. You still are. So go on, enjoy yourself. Continuing assuming the way you always have.

You think I'm having fun, I don't deny.

You think I'm enjoying myself, I don't deny.

You think I'm happy.

You're wrong.

You have no idea how I grasp at straws and desperate means and measures to make myself "happy".

You have no idea how I live day-to-day lying to myself telling myself to be happy, to find funny things to laugh at, to waste my time, life and effort all just to "be happy"

You have absolutely no idea how much time I think about stuff. Over and over and over again in my fucking brains when I'm sleeping/eating/studying/playing/talking/chatting/stoning/you name it.

And you say I hate you.

Why do you think I hate you?

Why do you think I won't hate you when you've taken my happiness away?

Why do you think I won't hate you when I put all of myself into the gamble that was June '10?

Fuck you.

I am broken. You win. You've defeated me.

You're right, she would hurt me, she did. Only that I don't regret it. Cause my happiness no longer exists anyway.

I never had a choice in the matter. Never. It was all you, you and you.

You didn't know, despite how you may claim, the choices I made time and again for you.

Did you so naively think that we could possible walk down this long long path for so long so stably without me pulling strings?

You never knew.

You never knew.

You'll never know.