Cycle

As with all things in life, everything is systemized by a cycle.

We grow, reproduce, get old, die. Repeat.

Animals feed on the produce of the earth, become prey for others, eventually dying and returning their essence to the earth.

The cycle for me begins anew.

Stages of infancy, of caring and concern, to growing up, maintenance, eventually separating and seeking another infant.

The second cycle has begun and is progressing along quickly.. I wonder though.. will it really turn out to be another cycle?

Or will this signal the dawn of new things to come?

Perhaps, whatever the outcome, its just part of the bigger cycle.

=)

Promises

I broke them, you said.
I made them all lies, you said.
I am a big cheater and a liar, you said.

Ever wonder now, why I suffered for so long?
Ever wonder now, why I made them in the first place?
Ever wonder now, why I would stay devoted to you despite my frustrations?

Because I dedicated myself to you, which you dismissed and ignored.
Because I decided that you would be the one I would give myself to.
Because I believed that you.. would love me.

In the end, after years of suffering, didn't you break several promises to me too?
In the end, after all that I've done for you, haven't you thought of returning them?
In the end, after the ultimate step I have taken for you, did you keep them?

No.
No.
No.

I'm a wreck now. Angry and upset, happy and relieved, depraved and noble. All these and more, swirling around in my head, my heart, my soul.

All because of you.

Bitter

Am I right?
Did I do it right?
Have I made it right?
Is this decision right?
How can I make it right?
Should this be what is right?
Could I be sure that this is right?
What else can there be that is right?

Every choice I make I wonder if it is right.

I am angry, upset, hurt, disappointed.
Over and over again.
Perhaps I should really do as my ultimate trump card suggests.
Perhaps I should just become what I've sworn to become.
Perhaps I should just give up on it all.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

So what if I'm smarter?
So what if others are envious?
So what if there are people worse off then me?
So what if people wish they were me?

I just wanted something simple.
And it has been acknowledged before, that yes, it is simple.
Hence its simplicity, is not in my mind only.
But why is it so hard for me to get that simple something?
Despite knowing full well what I want.
Despite being aligned to my wishes.
Despite having the same dreams and hopes.

Why am I still suffering?
Why did you choose to make those awful choices and stand by them?
Why did you still stand by them knowing it's killing the both of us?

Why?

Pain

I didn't expect it to be so short.

I thought, with the heaviness in my heart and the storm in my head, that it would be a long one.

But the pain is as bad, regardless.

Study

For the first time in a long while, I feel that things are finally back on track.

Ok. let's see a list of to do's:

1. Return/Renewal of books for FYP this weekend.
2. Group study for upcoming test on Tuesday.
3. Assignment submission on Monday.
4. CA Test on Tuesday.
5. Group meetup for assignment compilation on Thursday.
6. E-lectures catch-up for Nano/Bio Materials and this week's lectures.

Busy week ahead.

Constant

Denial, Insecurity, Frustration;
Peace, Warmth, Family.

Anger, Indignity, Unfairness;
Desire, Passion, Satisfaction.

Closing

Another chapter of my life. Another chapter closed.

I wonder what it'll be like looking back from years later. While we're supposed to get wiser as we age.. I'm beginning to get convinced that it's untrue.

Coincidences abound.. and how it all falls so startling perfect into place when you look back.. is alarming. Makes it hard to believe that Fate doesn't exist. It's gotta be the best weaver ever. Except it uses human lives for its sewing needs.

I can sense a clock ticking down somewhere.. and yet I can't place a finger on it. Something is counting down, waiting to happen, and soon. I just can't figure out what it is yet.

Bed time. More e-Lectures tomorrow. Assignments and tests coming up in the next few weeks. Yikes.

Stone

Did something today that most people who never do in their lives. OR at least, would never have to deal with.

Planted the bomb at the right place at last. Whether it blows and achieves its purpose or just simply fizzles due to a blown fuse.. is up to fate. If its purpose is complete, then oh yeah: the truth revealed, planting the seeds of doubt, at least, if not much worse.

Else.. who knows? It's gonna be an interesting turn of events. Perhaps nothing happens. =X Oh well.

For much of my past year, I never expected the kinda crap that would (and should) only exist in soap-operas and over-hyped movie scripts to happen to me. At least partially.

I bet writing my life story into a script would make a pretty exciting movie.

Much as it sucked (the damned thing had nothing to do with me), it felt great performing it. Being the Messenger of Bad News has never felt better. Feels almost like I let drop a big-ass stone from my back, which is about time too. Carrying the piece of crap rock thanks to a certain someone made me pissed off as hell.

I'm finally cooling down.. though the winds of fate seems to have shifted again.

What happens next?
So curious.

Hug

I need a hug.

I need someone to talk to.

I need someone whom I can spill everything to.

I need someone who will hold me while I cry.

Headache

Backache.
Shoulder-ache.
Heartache.
Muscle-aches.

If I was a machine I'm pretty sure I'm breaking down!

Tsk tsk.

Once again I'm at a crossroads. Double-U. Tee. Eff.

Can I stop making decisions for awhile?

Torn

I love both.
I hate both.
I wish to forgive them.
Yet in my heart I cannot.

I wish to move on and forget everything.
I wish to know nothing about what has transpired.
I wish nothing more than just to have a love that is pure.

No ties, no lies. No strings attached, no motives hidden.

Both are able to do so now, after all the damage and hurts they've caused and received.

It is in the process of hurting that they have come to realize what is important.

But it is all too late.

I cannot forgive.

Crybaby

Stop crying for god's sake. Grow up. Man up. Stop crying like a fucking wussy.

I don't wanna do anything anymore. iQuit. haha.

No more school.
No more games.
No more life.
No more friends.
No more sleep.
No more health.
No more nothing.

Just rot.

I don't even know what I'm fucking living for anymore. If it weren't for my incredible urge to type shit out I would stop blogging too.

iGiveup.

Purity

I never liked cars. Or at least, I don't take notice of them, not the way most guys (and some girls) do.

It's the same for night-life, i.e. clubs, pubs, etc.

Or alcohol, drinks, games-you-play-while-tipsy.

Hence I've always been neutral about them.

Sure, it sounds fun to get into a dark place with smoky ambiance and dazzling lights, getting tipsy and high and grooving to music (sometimes, noise).

Or better still, pubs, with their live bands, great music, fragrant bites and drinks to chill with your buddies/friends/colleagues.

And the common thing about both? Alcohol. Oh yeah. The poison that Allah himself forbid his worshipers to touch. What better to drink by the gallon?

And to round it all up? The cool cars, the deep rumble of their monstrous engines and their oh-so-sleek designs. Or their alternatives, the large and spacious family cars or the quiet purr of luxury cars.

... That was last year.

Now? I hate them. I hate them with a vengeance. They're now a constant reminder of what I've lost. Every time I see them, my fucked up brain starts spinning at the speed of light.

What starts as a casual glance to check out the car model cruising alongside the bus/cab I'm taking turns into an imaginary reenactment of the very act that I had always held pristine in my head, now disgusting.

A simple quote, mention or discussion of alcohol would trigger flashbacks of drunken visions, heated passion and the blur of neon signs.

Articles pertaining to crimes of passion or night-life related news would get me thinking of the very real example, right there, in my life.

They're tainted. They're all now tainted. What was potentially cool and fun to me is now labelled as disgusting and grotesque. Places I've never even been to, things I've never done, stuff I've never owned.. now ruined.

I hate them. I hate them all.

Don't tell me that it didn't happen to me.
Don't tell me to forget it all and move on.
Don't tell me that I'm not the direct victim.

It's screwed up. It's all screwed up.

I told her myself: One day, I will betray you. I can almost guarantee you it will happen.
She calmly replied: I know. And I know when it happens, I deserve it.

And it is this part of me that is so willing to betray the ones closest to me that I am wary of. It is one of the biggest reasons why I am staying away. I don't wish to hurt anyone anymore.

...I've tried.

I've really tried to ignore the facts and forge on ahead. But I cannot.
How am I supposed to ignore the buzzing in my head that switches on every time I see a car?
How am I supposed to suppress the fire in my heart when I think about alcohol?
How am i supposed to chase away the indignity in my head whenever I think about night-life?

I cannot accept it. I just can't. If it was a past-lover or a potential partner I might be able to convince myself otherwise. This is not.

This is pure and simple: adultery.

And she wasn't even 21.


Why do I get the feeling that she isn't completely honest with me?
Why do I feel that she is still hiding things from me?
Why is it that despite what I'm feeling, I trust her?

Anger

She told me today: "You still get so angry when you talk about her, huh?"

I replied: "Because there are many reasons why I got angry."

Particularly one.

Because it was all so perfect.

Because it was possible for us to have a "Happy ever after".

Because it was ruined.. because of her stubbornness.

Lies

Married Jerk to Stupid Slut: I'm having issues with my GIRLFRIEND. I don't like her anymore. I like you, let's get together.

Stupid Slut: OK! Let's go to your HOUSE, get drunk and sleep together! Oh yeah, let me check out your GIRLFRIEND'S perfumes in YOUR HOUSE! They smell good!

*half a year later*

Married Jerk in own blog: Woohoo! I'm having my wedding photoshoot tomorrow! Lalalalala~!
Stupid Slut: *Gone off to a world of her own*

Influence

So I've been told today that I'm apparently an "influential person who has impact on my peers".

True or false? Hmm..