Negative

See. This just proves my point.

You see nothing but the negative in everything I do. The only words you see and hear, the only thoughts you carry, are negative in nature.

No matter what I've said before, it seems like you cannot see or hear the good in them.

You only absorb the negative.

What am I supposed to do?

Enemy

I am not your enemy, neither do you view me as such.

Never was, never will.

Yet I feel nothing but hatred for you.

Because you destroyed what could have been.

It was perfect, flawless so.

But your mistrust and disbelief led to what it is now.

And therefore I hate you.

I want nothing more than what we had.

Simple, fulfilling, joyous.

But alas, you decided not to take the leap of faith with me.

And hence in pieces we end.

How are you

For a first time.. a song that actually transform my words into reality.

Coughing

Coughing up blood in the mornings isn't a pleasant feeling.

Fever

39.2

It's been a long time since I last saw this temperature. Been like this for the past three days. Apparently The Bugs just want me to burn money which I already don't have.

It's a shame when one has to borrow money from his mom just to see a doctor.

Fuck this country.

Sick

Oh yeah.

Started off my birthday with a ruined mood that lasted until evening, which progressed into me falling sick.

Just woke up awhile back to eat a late dinner (mom had kept the leftovers in the fridge already, lolz).

Going back to sleep now in hopes I recover before I worsen anymore.

Life's so great. (I noticed a trend of me falling sick on special occasions. Haha. Last time was at Pulau Ubin. Hahahaha.)

Photo

5AM in the morning. I was preparing to take a 2 hour nap prior to my exams approximately 4 hours later.

All of a sudden I had an urge to look @ my phone, and for some unknown reasons why, dug up this picture:

*Photo removed, shouldn't let it be out in the open like this*

Our last photo taken together on 31st Dec 2010.

I miss you. I do. And this post will be dedicated to telling you everything that I feel, nothing but the raw truth.

One of the reasons, however stupid, for me not wanting to settle the HDB issue quickly, is simply because I still have hopes. On the other hand I know deep inside that, this hope is pointless.

We can no longer be together no matter how much either of us work for it. Because our wounds run too deep. Because our differences are too great that they cannot be overcome. Because no matter how hard you try, you will end up hurting yourself, again.

Things could have been very different had you tried to listen to me. Here it is, the truth, plain and simple:

Everything that I have done for you is out of nothing but pure love. But I know myself, I know what kinda person I am, I know what I needed for me to get our relationship to work.

But no, you didn't listen. You kept thinking that you were right. You kept holding back, you kept being afraid. You kept making up excuses over and over and over again.

You denied me my requests time and again. It didn't matter what it was. From simple things of food/drink to stupid stuff like dressing style to couple stuff like quarreling over the stupid phone to serious stuff like sex.

It didn't matter. You were constantly denying, denying, denying.

I had it.

You were my girlfriend. Whatever the fuck is your problem? Would it kill you to do something for me? You claim "Yes I did", well you know what?

Fuck you.

That's only after so much quarreling, so much persuasion, so much time and effort taken to convince you.

The phone is the best and foremost classic example I'll never stop relating to:

We can fight over the stupid scenario of "Why didn't you call me this morning like you do everyday?" FOR THREE FUCKING YEARS.

UNTIL THE DAY I QUARRELED WITH MY DAD SO BAD WE ALMOST BROKE OFF OUR FATHER-SON TIES.

THE VERY SAME DAY I SCREAMED AT YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF AND DIE AND NEVER COME BACK INTO MY LIFE SHOULD YOU EVER FUCKING MENTION ONE MORE TIME "YOU DIDN'T CALL ME".

And wow. And finally!!! Something fucking worked! After THREE long fucking years!

My girlfriend of 3 years, who claims she loves me, had to take that kinda shit from me to leave me to fuck alone for a fucking stupid issue.

Pardon my language. It never fails to piss me off thinking about it.

It never fails to make me feel like a retard, a loser, an idiot whenever I think back of the things I put up with and the things I did for you.

You were always complaining "I don't love you enough", "I need to love you more", blah blah blah.

About the sex, let's be forefront and honest.

You said you wanted it to be post-marriage. Fine. I let you have it your way, despite the way I am a liberal. Despite the fact I yearn for it. Despite the fact I wanted it so bad I could even fathom the idea of visiting a whore.

What a miserable man. No wonder it hurt like a fucking punch to my balls when one of my fellow in-camp soldier taunted me saying: "Aiyah, you were just not good enough to bed her."

I put up with my frustrations, my desires, my pride, my ego, my wants, my needs and my wishes all for you.

And you can say things like: "Hah, you dumped me cause I didn't give you sex."

HELLO? I stayed with you for FOUR AND HALF FUCKING YEARS agreeing to have no sex before marriage? We've slept together countless times sharing the same bed and nothing happened?? Hello???? What the fuck? Are you trying to insult me that I'm fuckingly stupidly retarded or what?

And you can accuse me of seeing you as nothing more than a sexual object?

PLEASE GO SCREW YOURSELF! Go find some other retarded guy that'd wait 4 years for sex then give up! HAH!

All along it was you, you and your fucking security issues that was holding us back! You accuse me of not making you feel secure, you accuse me of not proving my love enough, you accuse, accuse and accuse somemore.

So fine! There came along your parents discussing marriage. Fine! No pressure at all! I can talk about that shit all day and be fine! It was your mom that broke down, not me!

Moving on! You kept insisting on getting a place of our own. I was against it, knowing I had naught the finance means to keep it, but you calculated and planned everything saying that its all gonna be OK.

Seeing how much you wanted this and hearing from you so often again and again how much you wanted a house, a place, a family of your own.

Thinking that buying the place would finally show you that YES, I'm fucking serious about you despite you seeming to not believe it for 4.5 fucking years.

Loving you and wanting the best for you, I made the worse decision in my life.

I went against my gut instincts (as my sister rightly said:) to prove my point.

And now I have nothing but regret.

I regret the fact that buying it changed NOTHING.

I regret the fact that I was stupid enough to think you could see my devotion to you.

I regret the fact that I bought it because I wanted to prove something to you.

All my love, effort and devotion, down the drain right like that.

You still didn't give me sex despite all your repeated promises (which you broke over and over to the point I no longer expected you to hold your promises anyway).

You still doubted me whenever I left your side and went out with friends or whatever.

You still don't trust me when I wanted to spend more time with friends of the opposing gender.

And to think what? I gave up on all my social circles, from Primary to Secondary to Polytechnic friends and to an extent even University friends, ALL FOR YOU?

Nowadays I see people I used to know, used to talk to and I feel awkward because we've drifted apart. We've become Hi-Bye Friends, simply because we no longer talk or hang out as much.

And how did all that happen?

P.S.:

I didn't tell you about your monthly bills to give you shit about your expenditure. I never asked you for a single fucking cent for your bills, despite the fact I'm surviving on bits and pieces of scrap and whatever penny I can save. I told you about the bills so that you KNOW you were over-spending, that's all. As again, you mistook me, thinking me as as miser who was calculative about your bills.

Fuck you.

I cancelled our planned trip to Fullerton for my ORD celebratory dinner because I didn't want to waste money. I had to make savings to prepare for my Uni-days, and since everyone wasn't free as well, I cancelled it. Using it as an excuse not to wear your dinner gown and to ONCE AGAIN DENY ME OF MY REQUEST, is a fucked up excuse. You just can't fucking get it into your head to just try to please me for once.

So, fuck you.

The fact I wanted to hurt you by going to Genting with my friend and deciding not to take you along was to show you how much it fucking hurt to be denied. There you go! You ALWAYS remembered the hurt, yeah? How did it feel bitch? Good? That was just ONE time, by the way. What about me? What about the countless times you hurt me with your denials and rejections?

So, fuck you bitch. Stop bitching, please.

And as again, as I've always said before, wait wait wait wait wait wait.

Whatever the fuck are you waiting for? Your grandson to serve you? You waited and waited and waited while I did and did and did and did. You wanted something? Done. You wanted to go somewhere? Done. You wanted to try something? Done.

You asked me to mop the floor / do some random household chore, I ask you to wait for a few minutes to an hour, you turn the fucking heavens upside down screaming at me saying ITS JUST GAMES GO DO IT BLAH BLAH BLAH!

I waited for YEARS for you to fucking get into your fucking head that "YES. PHONES ARE TWO WAY DEVICES! YOU WANNA HEAR MY VOICE, DIAL MY NUMBER! WHY THE FUCK MUST I CALL YOU AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING A BIG FUSS OUTTA SHIT?!"

COMPARISON? Wait, I haven't even talked about the sex issue yet, but hey, I think its enough shame here.

So again, FUCK YOU.

*I can't believe how I can go from sobbing and bawling and crying like an idiot to becoming angry and fuming mad typing this post.*

Reminiscence

Found some awesome music while browsing youtube. Do listen!

Enjoy! (Damn I'm screwed for my papers tomorrow)

In the End

Once I thought I was happy.

But deep in my heart I knew the truth.

I tried to fix things.

I tried to make it true.

I tried to ignore the pain.

In the end I failed.

Unexpectedly, when I thought it would never be,

I saw yet again, a chance for me to be happy.

For awhile, I was.

For awhile, I believed.

For awhile, I dreamed.

In the end I woke.

The pain remained, the hurt came to stay,

And for awhile I gave up.

It was so pointless.

It was so disappointing.

It was so disheartening.

In the end I cried.

Thinking back the days long gone,

I wish people would be true.

Why wait until things fell apart?

Why wait until things turned ugly

Why wait until everything was lost?

In the end I snapped.

Looking back I realized,

That everything was for naught.

Everything was lost.

Nothing but bitterness remained.

No one was happy, no one was glad.

In the end, The End.

Happiness

我要的幸福在哪里?

一次又一次的失望，

一次又一次的欺骗。

就算能让时间倒流，

我要的幸福会来吗?

Gift

Although I've always loved receiving gifts (especially because I never ask for them, or even asking people not to buy me any), I've always denied it.

I got a gift today.

It's simple, like always.

A plain white T-shirt, with a cartoon character on it.

It brought a smile to my face.. And tears.

Thank you. I always loved them.

Scream

No. The title is not talking about the horrendously stupid slash-flick.

I need to scream.

I need to punch something.

I need to vent, to pour everything out.

I need an outlet for my frustrations.

I need something in my life to deflate my rising anger before I pop.

Goddamnit. Graduation's too fucking faraway.

I need cash. Damnit.

Cash to do whatever the fuck I want.

Cash to get the fuck outta here.

Money. The root of all evils and the source of all my troubles.

Damn you.

Crush(ed)

11/11/11. A special day, destined to come only once a century. Unless a time machine is invented or by some said miracles, I'll never see another 11/11/11 in my life.

But I'll try. ;)

After an extremely long day which I spent almost 24 hours outdoors, I returned home with a sleep-deprivated brain early the next day morning.

As I waited for my hair to dry, I went through my usual routine of my daily web-surfing: emails, manga, fuuu-comics, news, facebook. Through my sleep-fumbled eyes I spotted a facebook story from one of my long-lost (contact) friend, something about marriages.

"Heck", I thought, "Just another marriage among the dozens on this special day. Will take a look tomorrow if I remember".

I woke up the next day feeling extremely tired, having no more than 4 hours' worth of sleep. The benefactor of my awake-ness? My brother. Doing everything from using the hairdryer, to playing videos/games/music at the loudest volume, right under my bed (I sleep on a double-deck bed, topside).

Thanks.

He knew I only managed to sleep @ 7 in the morning when he woke up and had to wait for his turn for the washroom (I was bathing then). Oh well, whatever. Sleep doesn't matter.

So yeah, skipping the redundant details, I was there sitting in front of my laptop preparing to start my e-lectures, and while playing it in the background, I opened my web browser and for some reason decided to check facebook first.

There it was, the facebook story that I saw last night.

It was from my childhood crush, announcing that her boyfriend (whom I view as someone who stole her from me, lolz! kidding. =P) of more than 8-years proposing to her in a ultra-super romantic way with a heck-load of preparations that money can't buy.

Boy, was that diamond huge. I guess having rich (or at least well-to-do) parents serves to help alot in the romance aspect eh?

Ok, enough with the sour grapes.

Truly, reading on the flow of how he prepared for grand question and the subsequent execution of the proposal was indeed amazing. If it could move my stone-cold heart, I don't see how it wouldn't move a girl's.

That was when it struck me.

Here I was, reading up on other people's big happy moment when all manner of emotions struck me ALL at once:

Nostalgia, Jealousy, Happiness, Envy, Skepticism, Excitement, Wonder, Disbelief. I could probably go on and try to make a list of the emotions I felt but, hey, I think 8's good enough.

Wow. The spiraling feeling of emotional flood literally knocked me back and took my breath away. I sat back, slouching on the couch where I was using my computer, and my mind went blank for awhile. Then I snapped back.

I realized that amongst all the feelings I was experiencing, one of them in particular stood out among the rest. Partially because it was both the first emotion I felt, and also one that kept grewing until it outshouted the rest. When I identified the feeling, the shock of knowing what I was truly feeling washed it away in the next instance.

It was Sorrow.

Thanks to the shock, the tears which threatened to flood my eyes dissipated.. and never flowed out. I guess I am thankful for that, else I'd be going "WTF?!" about me crying out a crush of more than 10 years ago (wow that's like more than half my life haha!).

But as I thought about the reasons why I was feeling so, I had to attend to other matters so I never really had the chance to sit down and think about why I was feeling so sad. Deep in my heart, I know that it has something to do with the recent events in my life, and not the fact that she was my crush (Haha, yeah. Having to get over that was a painful experience that was barely remembered now.. ^.^).

This exercise in my subconscious self running out of control served nothing more than to help me identify the fact that I didn't really understand myself that well afterall. I finally understand why I kept thinking about stuff that should have been pointless, or things that was troublesome, with feelings of fond longing and desire.

I guess my wounds ran deeper than I had originally thought.

--------------------------------------------------

Sigh. 2 hours ago I was dying to fall asleep, 2 hours later I'm totally awake, typing this. I guess my mental health is on quite the steady decline. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I'll just go bat-shit crazy and forget everything and be peaceful within.

Maybe.

Nightmare

I dreamt that you appeared in my dreams out of nowhere.

The next moment, you fell. You were supposed to be walking along a flight of stairs.. but instead you jumped onto the railing and fell..

I caught you, and you were surprisingly light. I spent no effort holding onto you.. but couldn't pull you up.

So shocking the experience was, that I jerked awake before I ever knew if I succeeded, gaining consciousness almost immediately. The chills and shivers that followed didn't help.

Never have I felt like that before.

Is that a premonition of things to come? I've experienced enough "Deja vu" flashbacks to know that sometimes, my dreams come true. Or at least, the only familiarity I could associate such experiences with can only come from my dreams.

I hope that it stays untrue.

Ownership

Looking back at some of the posts I've made, it's kinda hard for me to believe that it was me who typed all of that out.

It's like they're my thoughts, my words, but a different style and feeling, every time I view them.

It looks like my multiples are beginning to manifest themselves.

Interesting.

November

Buzz buzz buzz.. buzz buzz buzz.. The words, images and memories in my head.. speculative and doubtful, suspicious and bewildered.

I settled quite a few things today.

It's November 10th. Had 2 CA papers on the 8th and 9th, and hence was mugging at J's for the past 3d/2n. I'm finally home after so long, and yeah, nothing's changed, a good thing.

Tomorrow's the only day I'm "free". (Or rather, today, seeing the time is 2.30 AM)

Friday, the 11th of November 2011 (yay for 11/11/11!) is the day my sister is getting married. God bless her. =) (Yes I'm not a Christian, but still..)

Busy week indeed. Although I'm looking forward to her wedding, a part of me feels apprehensive. Weddings and Marriages have taken a whole different meaning to me.. or rather, a loss of meaning to me. I do not wish to go into details here, so simply put: the two women in my life whom I loved so dear have caused me so much pain that I just simply.. no longer wish to consider marriage.

Nevermind. That topic is a post for another day.

It's been a year since things really start going to shit. Thinking back then.. everything was so hazy. Yes, I do not deny that I could have done a better job at handling my life and my relationship. My actions were rushed, reckless.. and ruthless. I still remember how I felt so stupid when I was asked: "Why didn't you bother giving it one last try?"

While I admit that I had given lots of chances before.. It did seem that at the VERY end.. things were looking up. True, in my defense, I had been disappointed and let down many times when I felt things were looking up. But still.. the question of "what if?" remains..

Haha. One should never ask "what if?" when all else has already happened.. moving on.

I've discovered, after several consecutive years of it happening over and over, that November is a very interesting month for me.

It is a month of change, of revelations for me. Every single year since 2004.

-------------------------------------

I've done my part and have accomplished what I've set out to do (or at least, part of it). I told her that all I've been doing is to set her on the right path. After a year of never-ending chaos.. We've reached this final point. From now on, it is for her to take on her new path.

I told her that we're through and its final. It's not the first time I've told her. And boy. Every method I've used thus far has proven ineffective. Verbal, Mental, Physical, Emotional. I've played all my cards and she's still persistently stubborn in believing that we have a chance.

Not even telling her straight to her face that I'll cheat on her could deflect her. Her devotion is commendable.. had we met in different circumstances and had a different scenario laid out before us, things could be very different.

But as my sister says: "Everything happens for a reason."

I kinda agree, cause I believe in Fate. It's just that I have a slightly different point of view with regards to that, that cannot be easily translated into words. To put it simply:

"Things happen for a reason, but the reason is not always applicable to the current situation. It takes a much bigger picture to see why things happened the way they did.. In a sense similar to what Steve Jobs mentioned before: connecting the dots. Yet, all I will say to him is this: Bullshit. See the dots before you connect them, iDiot."

I have a final trump card to play, but it seems that now is not the time to play it yet.. and that it is not fully functional anyway. My gut feelings are back, and I'm back to predicting what will happen next.. with that eerie feeling that I know I'm right.

I'm being forewarned of an upcoming crossroad up ahead, giving me a chance to decide. To decide if I wish to stay on the Light-side that I'm still hanging onto.. Or to give in and join the Dark-side.

Time will tell. I just pray for my final semester to come and go quickly, for the storm approaches.

-------------------------------------

Three nights ago, I was extremely troubled. I kept looking at my watch, at my phone, at my computer's clock. It was 11.59PM.. and then the clock struck 12 Midnight.

Also immediately, I started to press in the sequence on my phone that'd result in a call to a voice that I'd been so accustomed to listening to.

I stopped. And I put down the phone. Thinking.

Before I knew it, 3 minutes went by. 5 minutes, then 10 minutes.

I kept debating on what to do. Should I call? Should I SMS? I even thought of personally travelling down in person to deliver a gift.. But I felt that she wouldn't want it. And I didn't want to upset her any further than I already have.

Life sucks when you wanna do something so bad but didn't, knowing that you'd make others feel bad when the intention is to cause others to feel good.

I hesitated.. And ended up sending a carefully worded and somewhat long SMS.

The reply was a simple: "Thank you".

I didn't even know how I should reply, or if I should even attempt to reply. It's an ambiguous message to me saying: "I'm upset and don't wanna hear this", and "Thanks for the wishes, really, I'm just tired".

Which one was it ?

This year was so different. Haha. Every year I'd make sure I made it somewhat special, and to make it a point to spend the day/night with her. (With the exception of the last time, last year, of course.)

This year was spent in apprehension. Not knowing whether or not my thoughts and actions were right. Not knowing if doing so will be appreciated.. or that by doing so I'd be causing more hurt.

-------------------------------------

I've tried. I know I've tried. As the Chinese saying goes: 人在做，天在看。

I know I've done my best. I have nothing to be regretful or guilty about. I just wish that things could be kept simpler, but looks like no. Fate wants to screw around with me, and it seems ready to do more of whatever it's been doing to me recently.

My mind is no longer working. 3d/2n of little sleep and mugging for 2 papers is draining on the brain power.. and causes sleep deprivation.

As I looked at some of my younger friends' photos on Facebook.. I realize that my views of the world has taken a 180 degree turn..

Where I used to think of all the nasty stuff and thought: "Nah, things aren't that bad."

I now think of all the good stuff and thought: "Hah, you wish it was true".

I've lost my faith in the world.

I don't even know what I'm looking forward to anymore.

A future where I can live life out and experience everything I wanted to?

Or for the world to end as predicted, in 2012?

Burden

"Sometimes, people chose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they stay."

So many thoughts buzzing in my head.. but none of them suitable or capable of transmitting my thoughts and ideals into this post.

They're either lackluster or they're half-truths, which would simply cause misunderstandings. Perhaps it is a better choice to keep my thoughts to myself. Afterall, I'm pretty sure I know what's right and what's wrong, in my head at least.

Yes, I've seen that there was a chance for things to be made right again.
Yes, I've tried and know that if I wanted to, I can make things go back again.
Yes, I've noticed the sacrifices made and the pain endured.
Yes, I know that I am the one who will decide what happens next.
Yes, I am willing to still put in effort to make everything better for the future.

But no.

I've seen and identified a vicious cycle:

Mistrust, Accusation, Indignation, Deceit, Regret, Denial.

And it'll just start all over again. And each time the magnitude of the problem will just simply continue to grow and become worse. It doesn't matter if it'll take days, weeks, months. It will happen. Because I understand myself. Because I understand you.

I've already been unfair. It's time to stop this and cut this here. This is for the best. This isn't about me being willing to change and hence will make the change happen.

This is about me being me, and the fact that I cannot change the very being that I am.

The best that I can do is to simply ensure that the cycle of mistrust and deceit does not continue to grow.

And the only way to do that... is extremely painful.

I await my judgement.

Voices

Ok. I need to find a way to talk to the dudes in my head. And fast.

The way they're wrestling control back and forth is beginning to get out of hand. I don't wish to become someone with bipolar issues. Goddamnit.

Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!

Take your turn bitches!!! Don't come out when you're not needed!

Memories

Blink an eye and its November.

It's been a year.

The memories still come back to haunt me.. But they're pleasant ones.

Awesome, sweet, loving memories. Days long gone, destroyed by two idiots who decided they were unsatisfied with their lives.

Well. At least I made my choice after trying so hard to make things work. After going beyond what was required of me. After trying so hard that I'd done the ultimatum and more.

All that ruined because of a damned paper.

Forget it.

Let me reminisce in the sweet memories of those days, through eyes blurred with tears, a heart full of pain and a face wet with sorrow.

I love you.

These 3 words holds such significant meaning from me to you.. Yet they were never received properly.

That day, at your house, I recalled with vivid memory, of your joy and your laughter as you got taken by surprise at my gift of the iPod touch that you'd always wanted. You never expected that I would buy it, seeing I'm such an anti-Apple person. You never expected that I would buy it for no reason others than simply wanting to see you happy. You never expected that my love for you goes beyond material means.

And yet you still made the fucked up choices which led to today.

Never in my life did I expect to tear so much.
Never in my life did I expect to give a shit about the far-fetched concept of "love".
Never in my life did I expect I would give so much, care so much and want so much for a person.

Yet here I am. Crying in solitude. Burying my sorrows on the WWW.

Thank you for the memories. I'll carry them in my heart until the day I rest for eternity. On the positive side, I now have a "Cry" button installed in my soul. =)

Thank you.

Desire, revisited

You asked me how I want you to change.

I told you: everything.

Because you just don't goddamned understand whatever the hell it is I want.

Just love me, pure and simple.

This is something you have never done. In your mind, you think, what you're doing is love.

Tell me about your "love" when you have all your restrictions and considerations and reservations and problems with me.

Tell me about your "love" when planning for the future involves me having to suck thumb and follow your will.

Tell me about your "love" when all you can go on about is "the future, the future, the future".

Fuck all that shit.

What matters is here.
What matters is now.
What matters is me.

You still don't get it. Just stop thinking. Stop worrying. Stop denying. Stop hesitating. Stop arguing. Stop being stubborn.

Just respect me, listen to me, do as I say and S.T.F.U.

And it will all be OK.

Because you realized something? EVERYTHING goes to shit when we listen to you.

Hence stop. Shut up. You may be right sometimes, but please. Just. Stop.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up. and L.I.S.T.E.N. and O.B.E.Y. Since you can't get anything else right.

How tough is that? Very?

Then I offer you the ultimatum.

G.T.F.O.

In other words:

GET THE FUCK OUT!

Point

The both of you don't seem to get the point.

It's not your love or your devotion or your efforts that I doubt.

It is in the way you treat me, the way you think of me, the way you do things around me that is pissing me off and is causing trouble for me and you.

Hah. This post seems so bloody ridiculous.

What's the point when the both of you don't fucking understand my point?

OR understand ME for that matter?

And you call yourself a girlfriend? And you claim to love me?

Please.

I've always been alone, and I'm still alone. Girlfriends notwithstanding; I'm a loner and will forever be a loner.

I'm right in saying that I don't need a girlfriend. What's the point of having one when she's not performing her role as a girlfriend?

Just be friends. Plain and simple.

Hurt

You never knew.

You told me she would be someone who would hurt me badly in the future.

You're right.

But you never knew.

You were the one who hurt me the most.




By the way, thank you for your insults. After being with me for 4.5 years, you can expect that of me? Thank you for insulting me for 4.5 years. Thank you.

LOL

There was once a dude. Who was fucked up in more ways then one.

We shall call him: "Dude-Whose-Son-Will-Be-Born-Without-An-Asshole" A.K.A. DWSWBBWAA.

So, Mr. DWSWBBWAA used to call his girlfriend FAT, UGLY, USELESS, among other derogatory terms.

And now his girlfriend dumped him, so fine.

Now his NEW girlfriend is exactly what he used to complain about, except its much worse. She's REALLY FAT, VERY UGLY, and COMPLETELY USELESS.

Let us wish Mr. DWSWBBWAA all the best with his future. =)

End of story.


--------


I pity the girl though. Despite her flaws, she still shouldn't have chose him.

Tsk tsk. Well. Stupidity is a prevalent infection in this world. Oh well.

LOL indeed.

Mr. Right

Righto! Right indeed! We need more Mr. Left's!

Mmm-kay. Back to topic.

Recently, the advent of "ZOMG~! I missed Mr. Right! ARGHH KILL ME!!~!" posters/pictures/quotes/*insert intellectual property here* is beginning to circulate with renewed fervor on the Net.

Or rather, Tumblr and Facebook, exclusively, since that's where I saw them.

Here's the thing ladies. You proclaim the following about guys:

1) All guys are nasty.
(cause YOU chose the nasty ones)

2) Timing is a problem!
(cause YOU thought that you were hot stuff, only to regret later)

3) Chemistry is a problem!
(Cause YOU didn't bother trying to know the guy better)

4) I didn't know the guy was sweet-talking me!
(cause YOU chose to believe in his BS lies)

5) Guys are only after my body!
(cause YOU chose to be with guys just wanna get in your pants)

And the list can go on! But with just FIVE, I'm sick of all the excuses given, sick of all the crap, sick of all the bullshit, and hence I shall not bother trying to kill myself with nausea listing everything out.

*My inner-female gives me great insight, and hence I thank her.*

Look here, BITCHES. <- yeah, i'm being offensive, cause after 12 years of knowing this romance nonsense, I'm more than pissed with girls saying shit like this.

You CHOSE, of your own FREE WILL, to hang-out/date/love/kiss/hug/sleep/have-sex-with/get-abused-by guys who are fucked-up/uncommitted/diseased/assholes/violent/pigs/retarded/brain-dead.

And then you turn around and address to the world: All guys are *insert nasty adjective here*.

Who is the shameless retard here? You gave up on all the other potential guys who wanted to love you wholeheartedly and to care for you, only to be scorned because of their looks/pockets/traits/background.

Hello?

I kinda think you deserve your situation! More often than not, what are you girls thinking?

*Oh I'm young, I have a great-ass/long-legs/big-boobs/pretty-face/large-eyes. I can play around! Yeah, "PARTY ON BABEH! All that other guys than aren't up to "Standard"? Stand aside dudes.*

Yup, and then you sleep around, fuck around, mess around, fling around, flirt around. And get hurt and abused, cheapened cause you sleep around like a whore.

And then when you grow old, your boobs sag, your cellulite builds, your abs goes to shit, you start thinking:

*Hmm.. It's high-time I got hitched! No one would want a old woman like me! ZOMG! GO GO GO! MR RIGHT?! WHERE R YOU?!?!?!*

And all of sudden! WHAM BAM BOOM!

Nerd guy #1 from 5 years back looks like Mr. Ritchie Rich!
Geek dude #3 from Sec Sch looks like Brad Pitt, albeit after too much junk food!
Pri-Sch Sweetheart #122 seems like Mr. Butler, catering to your every needs!

Wow! All the hot guys, and what!? They're all attached??? Aww... =(

"Timing", you blame. "Chemistry", you blame.

Everything, but yourselves.

And in defense, what do you say? (Oh this is my favourite!)

*IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY, YOU DON'T REGARD HER PAST!*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *let me catch my breath here*

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

OF COURSE YOU'D SAY "IN THE NAME OF LOVE"! YOU'D INVOKE CUPID AND EROS TO SMITE DOWN ALL WHO TARNISH THE NAME OF "LOVE"!

Please. Please. Please.

This is what you girls like to call us guys all the time.

This is called:

Desperate.



It's like so totally shameless! You sleep around for a good half of your life, then you do an about-turn as you age and realize you aren't so hot anymore, then expect guys to still want you because "Oh you love me and hence you shouldn't judge me by my past".

If we do that, that's your bonus, cause we really love you. It's a privilege, not an entitlement. There are plenty of trees out there in the forest to choose from.

Don't get snarky.

And poor stupid guys fall for the same shit all the time, over and over again.

*Yes baby! I love you! Your past don't matter!! hahahahaha! let's make love and get married and have 34241 babies of whom probably belongs to some other shit dude who's screwing another girl in a hotel somewhere!*

Tsk tsk.

This world really needs a reset button.

Oh. Here you go: Good shit I found recently.

Tell me what to do

I know what to do.

And that's the problem.

You know that I know what to do, and hence you never bother telling me what to do, leaving things as they are, because you know that I'd solve it all for you.

That's that problem.

I want you to tell me what to do. Not to wait for me to do it on my own, despite myself knowing full well what to do. It sounds insane, but this is exactly what I want. Stop letting me take over and do everything on my own.

Tell me what to do. And stop ignoring me when you're pissed.

Kill

I feel like murdering somebody.

...

Just kidding. =P

I think my multiple personality issue is getting pretty serious, especially of late. I can be so gentle and lovingly sweet the whole day, just to flare up and turn into a vulgar, offensively violent beast that night.

Gawd. This has to stop.

All these conflicting opinions are too much sometimes. It's freaks me out when I can actually think "Hmm, forget this, I'm feeling good and wanna be nice" and "Okay bitch, you're getting it" AT THE SAME TIME.

Wow.

Toothache

I realize my current situation is pretty much.. like a toothache.

You see.. All these constant pains and aches and troubles.. they're exactly like a toothache. It's irritating, it stays in place, it doesn't goes away and you get into trouble when you eat. You suffer from swollen jaws, bleeding issues. You can't bite, sometimes affecting speech badly. And the ultimatum comes when it hurts so fucking bad you can't do shit until you extract it.

Yes. exactly how I'm feeling now.

So simple solution isn't it? Toothache? See a dentist! Get the offending tooth removed. Done! Ta-dah! Get dentures if necessary, else pray you're young and your teeth still grows.

Yet like all elegant solutions.. there's always the fucked-up catch: The Pain.

The pain of the extraction, the fear of going to the dentist, and amount of losses you have to put up with (money for consultation, loss of time, loss of appetite i.e. can't eat, etc).. is also the exact same with my situation.

I can't let it go right now because no matter how much it hurts, the constant dull pain still beats the worse off pain of an extraction.

Yes I'm lying to myself, the eventuality of the extraction will still come.

But until the moment of choice, I'd prefer to delay it for as long as I can.

Perhaps I'm just waiting for the next one to come along and hence push me forward to end it all.

Probably that.

I'm just a coward afterall.

Flow

And it keeps flowing, on and on, without cause, without reason, without hesitation.

I surprised myself.

Johnny Depp

I know.. =|

Control

Surprisingly, when one thinks about it long enough.. will one then be able to understand what that nagging subconscious thought was.

Control.

To be able to control and to be controlled. Sounds illogical and yet so simple.

I needed that person to control me, to prevent me from going astray. I needed that person to be able to make me be willing to do so willingly, and be obedient enough to obey my wishes.

Clearly this is not the case, whether before or after. I thought I had found it, but realize now that it is impossible, due to deceit and uncertainty.

Hence my search begins anew. =)


It is only a matter of time.

Cycle

As with all things in life, everything is systemized by a cycle.

We grow, reproduce, get old, die. Repeat.

Animals feed on the produce of the earth, become prey for others, eventually dying and returning their essence to the earth.

The cycle for me begins anew.

Stages of infancy, of caring and concern, to growing up, maintenance, eventually separating and seeking another infant.

The second cycle has begun and is progressing along quickly.. I wonder though.. will it really turn out to be another cycle?

Or will this signal the dawn of new things to come?

Perhaps, whatever the outcome, its just part of the bigger cycle.

=)

Promises

I broke them, you said.
I made them all lies, you said.
I am a big cheater and a liar, you said.

Ever wonder now, why I suffered for so long?
Ever wonder now, why I made them in the first place?
Ever wonder now, why I would stay devoted to you despite my frustrations?

Because I dedicated myself to you, which you dismissed and ignored.
Because I decided that you would be the one I would give myself to.
Because I believed that you.. would love me.

In the end, after years of suffering, didn't you break several promises to me too?
In the end, after all that I've done for you, haven't you thought of returning them?
In the end, after the ultimate step I have taken for you, did you keep them?

No.
No.
No.

I'm a wreck now. Angry and upset, happy and relieved, depraved and noble. All these and more, swirling around in my head, my heart, my soul.

All because of you.

Bitter

Am I right?
Did I do it right?
Have I made it right?
Is this decision right?
How can I make it right?
Should this be what is right?
Could I be sure that this is right?
What else can there be that is right?

Every choice I make I wonder if it is right.

I am angry, upset, hurt, disappointed.
Over and over again.
Perhaps I should really do as my ultimate trump card suggests.
Perhaps I should just become what I've sworn to become.
Perhaps I should just give up on it all.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

So what if I'm smarter?
So what if others are envious?
So what if there are people worse off then me?
So what if people wish they were me?

I just wanted something simple.
And it has been acknowledged before, that yes, it is simple.
Hence its simplicity, is not in my mind only.
But why is it so hard for me to get that simple something?
Despite knowing full well what I want.
Despite being aligned to my wishes.
Despite having the same dreams and hopes.

Why am I still suffering?
Why did you choose to make those awful choices and stand by them?
Why did you still stand by them knowing it's killing the both of us?

Why?

Pain

I didn't expect it to be so short.

I thought, with the heaviness in my heart and the storm in my head, that it would be a long one.

But the pain is as bad, regardless.

Study

For the first time in a long while, I feel that things are finally back on track.

Ok. let's see a list of to do's:

1. Return/Renewal of books for FYP this weekend.
2. Group study for upcoming test on Tuesday.
3. Assignment submission on Monday.
4. CA Test on Tuesday.
5. Group meetup for assignment compilation on Thursday.
6. E-lectures catch-up for Nano/Bio Materials and this week's lectures.

Busy week ahead.

Constant

Denial, Insecurity, Frustration;
Peace, Warmth, Family.

Anger, Indignity, Unfairness;
Desire, Passion, Satisfaction.

Closing

Another chapter of my life. Another chapter closed.

I wonder what it'll be like looking back from years later. While we're supposed to get wiser as we age.. I'm beginning to get convinced that it's untrue.

Coincidences abound.. and how it all falls so startling perfect into place when you look back.. is alarming. Makes it hard to believe that Fate doesn't exist. It's gotta be the best weaver ever. Except it uses human lives for its sewing needs.

I can sense a clock ticking down somewhere.. and yet I can't place a finger on it. Something is counting down, waiting to happen, and soon. I just can't figure out what it is yet.

Bed time. More e-Lectures tomorrow. Assignments and tests coming up in the next few weeks. Yikes.

Stone

Did something today that most people who never do in their lives. OR at least, would never have to deal with.

Planted the bomb at the right place at last. Whether it blows and achieves its purpose or just simply fizzles due to a blown fuse.. is up to fate. If its purpose is complete, then oh yeah: the truth revealed, planting the seeds of doubt, at least, if not much worse.

Else.. who knows? It's gonna be an interesting turn of events. Perhaps nothing happens. =X Oh well.

For much of my past year, I never expected the kinda crap that would (and should) only exist in soap-operas and over-hyped movie scripts to happen to me. At least partially.

I bet writing my life story into a script would make a pretty exciting movie.

Much as it sucked (the damned thing had nothing to do with me), it felt great performing it. Being the Messenger of Bad News has never felt better. Feels almost like I let drop a big-ass stone from my back, which is about time too. Carrying the piece of crap rock thanks to a certain someone made me pissed off as hell.

I'm finally cooling down.. though the winds of fate seems to have shifted again.

What happens next?
So curious.

Hug

I need a hug.

I need someone to talk to.

I need someone whom I can spill everything to.

I need someone who will hold me while I cry.

Headache

Backache.
Shoulder-ache.
Heartache.
Muscle-aches.

If I was a machine I'm pretty sure I'm breaking down!

Tsk tsk.

Once again I'm at a crossroads. Double-U. Tee. Eff.

Can I stop making decisions for awhile?

Torn

I love both.
I hate both.
I wish to forgive them.
Yet in my heart I cannot.

I wish to move on and forget everything.
I wish to know nothing about what has transpired.
I wish nothing more than just to have a love that is pure.

No ties, no lies. No strings attached, no motives hidden.

Both are able to do so now, after all the damage and hurts they've caused and received.

It is in the process of hurting that they have come to realize what is important.

But it is all too late.

I cannot forgive.

Crybaby

Stop crying for god's sake. Grow up. Man up. Stop crying like a fucking wussy.

I don't wanna do anything anymore. iQuit. haha.

No more school.
No more games.
No more life.
No more friends.
No more sleep.
No more health.
No more nothing.

Just rot.

I don't even know what I'm fucking living for anymore. If it weren't for my incredible urge to type shit out I would stop blogging too.

iGiveup.

Purity

I never liked cars. Or at least, I don't take notice of them, not the way most guys (and some girls) do.

It's the same for night-life, i.e. clubs, pubs, etc.

Or alcohol, drinks, games-you-play-while-tipsy.

Hence I've always been neutral about them.

Sure, it sounds fun to get into a dark place with smoky ambiance and dazzling lights, getting tipsy and high and grooving to music (sometimes, noise).

Or better still, pubs, with their live bands, great music, fragrant bites and drinks to chill with your buddies/friends/colleagues.

And the common thing about both? Alcohol. Oh yeah. The poison that Allah himself forbid his worshipers to touch. What better to drink by the gallon?

And to round it all up? The cool cars, the deep rumble of their monstrous engines and their oh-so-sleek designs. Or their alternatives, the large and spacious family cars or the quiet purr of luxury cars.

... That was last year.

Now? I hate them. I hate them with a vengeance. They're now a constant reminder of what I've lost. Every time I see them, my fucked up brain starts spinning at the speed of light.

What starts as a casual glance to check out the car model cruising alongside the bus/cab I'm taking turns into an imaginary reenactment of the very act that I had always held pristine in my head, now disgusting.

A simple quote, mention or discussion of alcohol would trigger flashbacks of drunken visions, heated passion and the blur of neon signs.

Articles pertaining to crimes of passion or night-life related news would get me thinking of the very real example, right there, in my life.

They're tainted. They're all now tainted. What was potentially cool and fun to me is now labelled as disgusting and grotesque. Places I've never even been to, things I've never done, stuff I've never owned.. now ruined.

I hate them. I hate them all.

Don't tell me that it didn't happen to me.
Don't tell me to forget it all and move on.
Don't tell me that I'm not the direct victim.

It's screwed up. It's all screwed up.

I told her myself: One day, I will betray you. I can almost guarantee you it will happen.
She calmly replied: I know. And I know when it happens, I deserve it.

And it is this part of me that is so willing to betray the ones closest to me that I am wary of. It is one of the biggest reasons why I am staying away. I don't wish to hurt anyone anymore.

...I've tried.

I've really tried to ignore the facts and forge on ahead. But I cannot.
How am I supposed to ignore the buzzing in my head that switches on every time I see a car?
How am I supposed to suppress the fire in my heart when I think about alcohol?
How am i supposed to chase away the indignity in my head whenever I think about night-life?

I cannot accept it. I just can't. If it was a past-lover or a potential partner I might be able to convince myself otherwise. This is not.

This is pure and simple: adultery.

And she wasn't even 21.


Why do I get the feeling that she isn't completely honest with me?
Why do I feel that she is still hiding things from me?
Why is it that despite what I'm feeling, I trust her?

Anger

She told me today: "You still get so angry when you talk about her, huh?"

I replied: "Because there are many reasons why I got angry."

Particularly one.

Because it was all so perfect.

Because it was possible for us to have a "Happy ever after".

Because it was ruined.. because of her stubbornness.

Lies

Married Jerk to Stupid Slut: I'm having issues with my GIRLFRIEND. I don't like her anymore. I like you, let's get together.

Stupid Slut: OK! Let's go to your HOUSE, get drunk and sleep together! Oh yeah, let me check out your GIRLFRIEND'S perfumes in YOUR HOUSE! They smell good!

*half a year later*

Married Jerk in own blog: Woohoo! I'm having my wedding photoshoot tomorrow! Lalalalala~!
Stupid Slut: *Gone off to a world of her own*

Influence

So I've been told today that I'm apparently an "influential person who has impact on my peers".

True or false? Hmm..

Sleepless

Yet another sleepless night.

Earlier this evening at 10 pm I tried lying down on the bed to try and catch the sleepy feel.. I did. And it was so comfortable I didn't wanna get up and just wanna doze off right there and then. But I didn't. Had things to attend to, so I got up, stayed up, and here I am, 5 am in the morning.

Probably an achievement would be my 1 hour workout during the dead of the night. I always loved how I can do whatever I want, however I want, in a house (almost) full of people.

And yet these timings are hurting my body, my health, my mentality and my bio-clock.

I can't get up in the mornings anymore and my sleeping hours are kept to a tight range of approximate 4-6 hours a day. Once I wake I cannot go back to sleep unless I wanna risk waking up late, 3-4 hours later. It probably has something to do with my REM cycles as the hours coincide too well for it to be anything else, but the strict adherence that my body is staying to the rhythm is somewhat disturbing.

It has never happened before.

I would probably attribute it to the fact that I've never had a good night's sleep since, what, April last year? Holy crap! That's more than a year and a half. No wonder my body is forcing it into shut-down cycles, else I'll simply burn out and die. Perhaps that's not so bad an ending.. hmm.

Sigh. I should have NEVER made that decision. Not listening to that inner voice is my greatest regret.

Fuck.

Everything is now so complicated. My own problems, school issues, other people's problems, my family. I guess if my life isn't complicated I'm probably dead huh?

Then again that's just a guess. Who knows? Perhaps its more troublesome when Death comes knocking. Hah.

As I've always known, and recently re-affirmed, people come to me when they need someone to talk to. Surprisingly, these people that come and talk to me are sometimes hardly the ones who are the closest to me. And the biggest surprise is that they'd entrust me with their secrets. Secrets they'd sworn to bring to their graves. Secrets so bad that when revealed could destroy them, or change their lives entirely.

But yet, to me, they do. Perhaps its the way I always appear so deceptively harmless and disarming. Perhaps they truly believe that I am a keeper of secrets. Perhaps they just needed someone to tell their secret to, desperate to share the burden.

And the irony is, they're not wrong in their choices. I can keep secrets. I'm more than willing and is more than able to help others carry their burdens. But what I can't handle.. are my own burdens.

I've been going through a list of the people in my life. Marking off people I can talk to, eliminating them from the potential list of people that I can open myself to...

And I keep having to re-do it because.. I am eliminating everyone. There are always reasons why I cannot approach someone to talk to. They have their own burdens, they don't have the time, they're no longer as close, or just simply couldn't be bothered with someone like me.

I used to talk random and secret stuff about myself to someone whom is now very close to me. She was someone who had no links to my life, just a special acquaintance that happened to step into my life, years ago. Like everyone else on the fringe of my social networks, she never truly entered my life or was ever a part of it, but somehow we maintained contact.. eventually for reasons I cannot fathom even today, I decided that she was someone I could tell everything to, akin to a dumping spot of troubles and secrets far far away from where I stay, where they'll never be discovered.

For awhile, it worked.

But the problem is, I grew reliant. As time goes by I became comfortable with dumping my problems, issues, troubles and secrets with her. But I was foolish: I had assumed that she was a SPOT, not a PERSON. I had actually FORGOTTEN, for fuck sake, that she was HUMAN.

Relationship developed, and there it was suddenly, she's right there in my life. Along with all the baggage that I'd been dumping, where I had believed it would be far far away.

And now it's all back, and worse, there's more added onto it. But this time, there is no more dumping spot for me to relieve my baggage.

I've tried to let things go, and I have succeeded. But these baggage aren't simple emotional baggage: They're me. They're bits and pieces of my soul. And there's so much of it that I am getting crushed by the sheer weight and amount of it.

I used to escape from reality into games to take a breather. But time and circumstances aren't exactly being very forgiving to me right now. I have no time for games. There are so many things that requires my attention and focus. Things have always worked out in the past, but never have I had issues that could ever begin to match the magnitude of what I'm experiencing now.

"What doesn't kills you only makes you stronger". Yep. I hope I don't die in the process.

Sigh. It's morning now. In a few minutes I'll be hearing the birds coo the morning call and the rumble of the first bus along the streets. And here I am, typing this out and not even feeling the slightest bit of wanting to go to bed.

There are times I don't even wanna play games! TWENTY FOUR FRIGGIN' YEARS of my life and this is the first time since I knew the existence of games that I'm ACTUALLY NOT INTERESTED!

Sometimes I'm so tired that I just wish that something would happen to take me far far away from here, away from all these troubles and worries and sorrow. I seek only happiness and a sense of satisfaction of my life. That's all that there is. I'm not someone seeking riches and luxury, fame or power. All I want is happiness. Probably an impossible desire in the time and age..

.......

... Time to sleep.

Tired

.... what the title says.

Was army even this tiring?

Need my ZZzzzz's.

/sigh.

ENOUGH

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!!!!

Polarity

Ever wished for changes to occur in your life, really bad? And for some unknown reason, it actually came true?

But the insane part of it is that, the changes are such that the original state of affairs took a 180% turn and became the total opposite?

Everything changed.. from plus to minus and minus to plus!

I got what I wanted because it was the exact opposite of the existing situation!
But the good parts of the existing situation ALSO changed to become the exact opposite!

Oh damn. I'm not making any sense, am I?

I'm still going about the same point.. Why is it so hard for me to get what I want when I've devoted myself so thoroughly? Is it really not worth me putting in effort? Why is it that I see things take a turn for the better when I become a mean freak, an asshole? I'm a loser because I'm too nice, isn't it? That's why I always have to become a fucked up person before things will turn for the better?! WHY?!

Equality

Tell me about it. Hah.

Hypocritical Bitch.

Reminders

I keep getting reminded of you.

I cannot forget you.

I know what I want, but I cannot go back because I doubt I can get what I want.

I don't feel that I'm wrong because I'm only pursuing what I desire.

And you yourself, have you ever listened to your heart and did as you truly wanted to?

How do you expect me to marry you like that?

I can't.

Because the only reason I will walk down the aisle with anyone.. is because I love her and wants to be with her forever.

Never will I want any other reasons to get in the way.

Never.

Coin

Heard from someone in class today saying: "Coin-tossing is an act whereby the result of the coin toss has actually nothing to do with the action that the tosser will take. Simply because the tosser has already decided in his heart what he wants the result to be, by pinning hopes that the desired result will actually come true. Hence the action of coin tossing is nothing more then to force the sub-conscious decision to manifest itself in the conscious mind."

I can't say I agree or disagree simply because there really are times I didn't care and let a coin toss decide for me.. But thinking back there was always that nagging feeling that I already wanted something but just had nothing to convince me that it's right.

Did a "coin-toss" about a year back and followed it blindly till today. And that nagging feeling is still there.. Hahah. I guess I did follow a blind coin toss when I actually have an idea of what I wanted.

Too bad things had to turn out this way.. but I guess.. some things are for the best. Things happened.. so that things can continue happening. The fact that they happened allows for current situations and events to exist. Which I must say is a good thing, at least for me.

Much as it is stupid, I will continue to pin my hopes that one day, this fucked up world will right itself and that karma will finally work its magic. Yes, I'll get mine for the fucked up things I've done but so be it. I'm prepared to face the consequences of my actions even before I took them anyway.

Just wishing against fat hopes that someday, people will get their dues. What a way to console oneself.

One more year to graduation and financial freedom. C'mon c'mon c'mon..

(And then the world ends. Yay. Har har har. =/)

Sine

Here I am again. Posting at unearthly hours.

My life is a Sine-wave. Up and down, up and down.

I'm totally bewildered now. I'm amazed at how much my life can fluctuate when all I've been doing for the past month is simply staying at home.

Wow. Taking repeated looks at issues on hand can result in surprising perspectives sometimes.

Desire

All I ever wanted was a simple relationship.

To love and be loved.

To fulfill each other's needs, wants and desires.

Was it so tough? Was it so difficult that that it took 4 and a half years and never got realized, resulting in heartaches and broken pasts?

Perhaps I was too naive. Perhaps I was too kind, too generous. Perhaps it simply was me being a coward.

All that I have ever wanted are simple. Why is it just so hard for me to fulfill that which I want?

Wayang

That's it.

My IA results has just officially gave me thumbs-up to fuck care trying to be hardworking from now on.

I got a fucking "B" grade despite my efforts and sacrifices for a goddamned industrial attachment.

My friend who played games half the time during his IA got a "B+" despite lousy grading from his supervisor.

Another friend who didn't have to do anything at the workplace except youtube and facebook got an "A-".

Fuck this shit. Never again will I work hard.

Just like my first semester where everyone copied lab notes for submission. Everyone else got minimal "A" grades while I got a "B" for trying to write my own. The following semester I gave up and got an "A".

Hah.

Prove to me that hard work is worth shit.

KNNBCCB. This world is fucking unfair. Thanks to the goddamned B grade my attempt to pull ahead in 2nd class upper is now in danger.

Thank you REC. Fucking big thank you.

Emotions

How can one feel happy and sad, relieved and bothered at the same time?

Silence is golden

Indeed.

Despair.

End.

Guardian

The Guardian, I am.

I am the one who guards and protects others from harm and the harsh realities of life.

My mere presence brings comfort to others; my departure causes pain and suffering.

Who is my guardian then, when it is my turn to fall?

Disruption

Attended a 6S-class gathering tonight, 6S being my class code/number/ID/whatever for my Primary School graduating class.

It's been such a long time since I've seen my old classmates.. And certainly almost everyone has changed. (Duh. Who doesn't change with time?)

Had dinner at Lao Bei Jing @ Plaza Singapura. The bill totaled a whopping $765 for a dinner set course for 20 people! Since 17 of us turned up, that translates into a fair bit of $45 for everyone.

For those working, $45 is probably nothing (much).

Me? >.< Ouch. Nasty pain. $45 could provide me 2 buffet meals where I stuff myself bursting OR sustain me for 2 weeks with careful planning.

Damn. Would have been better off having a buffet dinner in the first place >.< Thankfully I had my fair share of the meal, else the $45 would really have been so not worth it. Food wise, was fine. Quality is there, Quantity so-so, but still way too expensive.

When we were done, we left, heading off after having a couple of group photos taken. We ended up discussing about post-dinner plans.. Of which I had no share in.

Simple reason being: While my classmates left for drinks and a chill-out-get-together-catch-up session, I was there, trying to comfort a disheveled, crazed girlfriend who was desperate as she thinks she would lose me anytime. Certainly, for what she did? She deserved it. But her constant, dogged persistence in trying to "make us better" did nothing more than piss me off every-time she tried.

Sending her home made me even more pissed off as I was taking time off, time which I had scheduled for friends whom I've not seen for easily 12 years. That's a gathering after more than a decade. Who knows when the next time will come about? But I digress.

She refused to go home, wanting me to convince her that we were alright when we're certainly not right. The evening ended real nasty for both of us, and I shall leave the details out. Thinking about it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. *spit*

Coming home, realizing there's so much for me to do, only made me more tired. One small gem for the night was that one of my close buddies (countable with a hand!) was asking me to go online so that I can chat with him and settle some arrangements for WoW with him. We had a small talk, and for awhile, felt better. After that, I went off to get my bath, etc, and checked out Facebook.

Was nice, saw a few new pictures of me tagged:
- One group photo with my REC colleagues.
- One semi-group photo with a drunken Joshua (and good friend Marcus A.K.A. Faustz).

And then I saw a published album, completed with tags, of my classmates at their post-dinner drinks.

Without me.

*Sigh*

After 12 years of not meeting up, here I am, left out again, because of a woman in my life. Just like the way I always felt for the past 4 years when the girl of my life constantly gave me problems when I went out with friends because she was "feeling insecure".

I don't get it.

I gave up my freedom, my principles, for these women whom I loved in my life.
I sacrificed my time, put in effort for them.
I chose to prioritize them over others, be it people, events or items.

What do I get in return?

1) Insecurity, distrust, restrictions.
2) Lies.

Hah. As my friend likes to say: "Life sucks, take drugs".

Why? Why are things always like this for me? Must it really be true that being nice will always end up with me being the loser? Must I really turn nasty/evil before I can be satisfied with the way things in life turn out?

This feeling of loneliness is so unique. I don't lack friends, I don't lack lovers, I don't lack family. But yet my heart feels so cold. So bitter. So pressured.

When will I ever find someone who will love me the way I want her to? Is it that hard to be that special one when I'm doing so much?

Hah. "Life sucks, take drugs", indeed.

Special day

我的好，谁能了？

知道了，又何了？

知道的，不珍惜。

失去了，才可惜。

Today is a special day. These mixed feelings.. haha.

Happy 5th Year, dear, though its no longer true. I love you, always.

Misunderstood

Had this blogspot been kept a secret from you, I would've posted this the night I wrote it. Yet.. because you know of this blog, and is a constant reader, I cannot post this until I was sure of the direction we're going, and the decision we've made.

As with the rest of the post: "Better misunderstood and freed than understanding and tied-down", for I have always firmly believed in Freedom.

- K.S. (2nd April, 2011)

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Getting the wrong signal out.. Being misinterpreted by people.. Wrongfully accused of things which had nothing to do with me..

Nothing feels worse than being misunderstood by the very person you care for, while there is nothing you can do about it.

Simply because: it is better to be misunderstood then to clear up the misunderstanding. The hurt bought about by understanding would hurt way more than if you stayed in the same spot, misunderstanding me.

And hence this is the reason I chose to leave things the way they are. It is, in the long run, better for you.

You've mis-read my blog posts.

You've misinterpreted my SMS-es.

You've not caught onto the hidden lines and hints within my words.

You've misunderstood me and my feelings for you.

No. Some of my posts are NOT intended for you. Some of the things I say are NOT referring to you. You didn't understand and jumped at the wrong conclusions. As always.

You can understand my character so well, understand how I think/feel/react so well, but yet always misunderstand my intentions.. Why??????

Reading your posts and seeing your determination.. pains me. But yet it is something I have to bear, for you have made your decision, and this is the only way to be fair to you.

There are too many things you've thought wrongly of me.

I am not angry. I am not angry. I am not angry.

I am simply tired.

Tired of explaining.

Tired of planning.

Tired of trying to make everything better.

Tired of everything.

Just tired.

I don't deserve. And hence why I made the choices I did.

Wind

The winds of fate seems to be shifting..

Something's coming.

Sin and Punishment

Karma.

The one thing that has driven me to look forward in life has decided that there is one more lesson for me to learn. A lesson that will serve to remind me that, with all good things, there is a price to pay.

A heavy one.

All my life, things have always been smooth-sailing. As much as I have my fair share of ups and downs, I still think that, yes, life's been good to me. As much as I have much to complain about, there is nothing I lack. And whenever I run into a tight spot, eventually everything would just sort itself out, solutions appearing on their own, solving the problem(s) at hand.

When I started to toy with the idea that our Luck is like that of a bank, I started to fear. Fearing that one day, I will have to pay back for all that I have received before.

Allow me to explain:

Luck is like cashflow in the bank. When you get "lucky", it means that you've made a withdrawal. When you're "unlucky" it either means your bank is empty, or that you've just made a deposit with the "luck" you could have used.

Hence, with all the luck I've been utilizing since young, in exchange for all I had, has, have and will have, there must be a price to pay somewhere.

And here it is; my worst fear come true.

The very thing I've always been looking for, the exact thing which I've never expected to ever find, is now mine.

Except for the fact that it's broken. Tarnished. Damaged beyond repair. And the biggest irony was that I actually found it 5 years ago, in its pristine state, without realising it.

This is punishment. My punishment for the sins I've committed. Punishment for having taken beyond what I should.

What do I do now? Everything else is meaningless. I have naught the spirit, will nor energy to do anything else now. Day in and day out, waiting for the days to pass. Waiting.

For what? I do not know. Life's endless surprises is showing no signs of ending, not that I expect it to.

And thus wait I shall. For there is nothing else I can do.

But wait.

Rift

And so it begins.

How it will end.. no one knows.

Time for some fun and games.. again. =)

Question

"Who do you wanna be with when the world ends?"

I was mildly surprised when I heard this question, for I had never expected to hear this question again. Twice I was asked, and twice, I had the same answer, despite it being two very different persons that asked this question.

For some funny reason, hearing this question served to confirm that which I already know.

Perhaps when the time is right, all will become clear.

Looks like there's gonna be quite a lot of confusion and raised eyebrows.

I'm just waiting for June to come.

Final

Surprisingly the truth which I suspected finally came to light on its own. No probing, shoving, pushing or negativity.

It just appeared.

However, I am thankful that finally, we can bloody move on from this dreadful topic and get on with our lives, and that somehow, I always knew what it was, and that I was only waiting for the admission/confession.

Thus today, I got what I wanted after several months of probing and massive lacerations of the heart.

Only to find that it is an empty victory. After all, what's the point of knowing that which you already know?

It's disappointing, really. To find that, the one thing I've been searching for my entire life, tarnished, ruined, almost to the point of beyond repair.

Yes, I could fix it. Yes, I can still have it. But a part of me, deep down inside, is screaming away: "No. This isn't what I want. Much as you want this, look at its condition! You don't want this!!"

I've always believed in Fate, and this past one year has made me think and think again. Fate really exists, and it exists to fuck around with us.

5 years ago. It's always that damned period.

5 years ago, yearning for that which has come to past and will never go back again.

5 years ago, when everything that could have been, can never be.

5 years ago. What on earth gave me the courage to ask that which I did?

How many more missed opportunities am I gonna have to see? How many more "5 years ago" am I gonna feel?

The choices that I am about the make, the words that I am about to make known.. Will it once again result in another "5 years ago", 5 years down the road?

Damnit all. Fate really loves to screw around with us.

Lost

Whatever am I doing? Whatever the hell am I doing?

I'm lost this time, really really lost.

What is it that I want from this situation?

I've never felt this empty before.. and never expected to feel this way.

Losing something precious just to gain that which is my dreams. Losing my dreams just to obtain that something precious. What's the difference?

I have so much to think about. Again.

That old old wound again

It hurts. It fucking hurts.

The very same wound left festering for 4 years has re-opened again.

It hurts. I thought it had healed and would never come back again. But nope. I'm the partial cause afterall. It just hurts so damn bad.

Hahhahaha.

Laughing and crying, I'm getting used to it.

Simple

Simple.

So simple.

I know what I want now.

But it is near impossible, if not outright impossible, to achieve/obtain.

So simple. Yet so impossible.

Why do I feel like crying and laughing at the same time?

Forced

What am I to think when one can say: "I do this willingly, of my own free will", when it has been done before, however forced to?

Should I feel honored that it was repeated for me willingly?

Or should I feel nothing from it, as it was just simply, done before?

I mean, it isn't that hard to repeat something you've done before, albeit on different terms, isn't it?

Hence, should I place value in such actions?

Or should I be glad that, others are willing to go the extra mile for me?

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On the other hand, when one says: "I know I wanna do this, but it will have to wait until the right time", what am I supposed to feel then?

Should I again, feel honored that I was placed into consideration for said action?

Or am I correct in saying that "Actions speak louder than words"?

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Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Why must everything be like this? Have I not given enough, not proven enough, not committed enough?

One has given everything away, claiming that most of her choices were made reluctantly. Now she is desperate, doing anything and everything in fears of losing it all.

The other has kept everything, claiming that she wants it to be perfect. She too, is desperate, wanting it all back, hating and wondering why she made her choices so.

Life likes to screw with us, indeed.

Now that I have gotten what I wanted, it feels so empty, so bitter, so ironic.

Something so simple, so precious, yet so sensitive.

I am not satisfied. Am I being greedy? Am I wrong in wanting things to work out the way I want them to be? Am I wrong in wanting everything to go my way for once, in wanting to see my efforts and hard work pay off?

Knowledge is power, but there is a painful price to pay, for knowing too much.

Naivette

To blindly trust and devote everything when its not even a year.

Yes, history has repeated itself, on a smaller scale, but hey, seriously, less than a year?

Why is it never me? Does Fate truly feel that I don't deserve? Or must I wait longer?

Yet all these has happened EXACTLY because I waited. WTF?

What do you want me to do???

Words

How does one tell another, with words that cannot be communicated?

I am a beast.

I don't deserve.

But yet attempt I shall.

For that is the least I can do for you.

Faith

Faith. The act of believing. Of absolute trust and confidence.

I've come to realize.. that I don't have it. I don't believe. I don't trust. And there is nothing I am confident in. I tried picturing myself in a wedding ceremony (probably due to having received a wedding invitation today), and I came to realize that I can't. I cannot see myself walking down the aisle, simply because.. I don't know who I will be walking with.

That caused me to think about it: Why? How is it that I can fall in love with someone for more than 4 years and yet not have faith? How is it that I can fall for another person and yet still have not faith?

Perhaps what I'll say next will sound really irresponsible, perhaps they're just me making up excuses.

But what I've analyzed and understood is that my viewpoint about love and faith was probably made up by my parents' interaction with each other, which has caused me to understand how it works; becoming my subconscious standard.

They've never displayed affection and love for each other before. The rare few times they did felt abnormal, almost like it was for the rare occasion.

My siblings.. never showed me anything related to faith in their relationships before.. my brothers changed girlfriends like free, one got divorced, the other doesn't seem to give a shit. My younger sister changed boyfriends over and over (because of poor judgement, imho) while my elder sister had unique viewpoints about relationships.

None of them showed me the value of Faith. And hence that's the probable reason why I've never learnt, cause nobody seems to give a damn.

Belong

No place to call my own.

Wanting to sleep.. but unable to.

Wanting a place to hide.. but nowhere to.

Wanting a place to rest.. but there is none.

Wanting a peace of mind.. but it doesn't exist.

Wanting some privacy.. hahaha. Try living in the living room.

Wanting.. wanting.. wanting.

Nevermine.

I give up as I always have given up. Resigned to fate.

It's so tempting to end it all.

Is wanting a person to understand me so difficult and impossible to ask for?

Again

Everything just gets lost the moment it leaves my head.

Thoughts, emotions, expressions.

All gone like the wind.

Unknown, unfelt, unseen.

Forever thus it will be.

Misrepresentation

散场的拥抱 by 倪安東

Enjoy. =P

What am I supposed to say? Being mistaken for my words, when the intended person whom my words are for is wrongly assumed.

Please. As long as that I do not place a name to my words, don't be so sure that it refers to him/her/you.

I might simply be referring to myself.

Good night folks. The end of the world draws near: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=New+Delhi+Superbug (Ignore the "wasn't so hard to google was it" comment) ;-)

Everytime you misunderstand my words, my heart breaks alittle.

Everytime you misassume my intentions, my heart aches alittle.

Everytime you accuse me wrongfully of things I've never done, I tear alittle.

Everytime you think I no longer love you.. I died alittle.

Being Nice

FYI This is the 101th post! 100th place goes to "Logbook"! (Like, wow, of all topics =.=')

Looking back, its been a longgggggggg time since this blog was started, back during the crazed days when blogs were hip and you were like the alien if you didn't have one.

Time flies.

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Went out of my way to get stuff for Alvin's brother today. He lost his phone (along with his SIM card, naturally) overseas, and needed a replacement. Feeling like doing something nice today, I decided to make a trip down to the shopping centres when I could be heading straight home and be comfortably bathed, fed and chilling in front of my computer now.

Instead, here I am, all sweaty from all the walking and having gotten nothing done, being peeved and deciding to blog about the meaningless things I do.

So here's what happened: Went down to JP, thinking: OK, a quick trip, just a couple of minutes and I can get my ass home and chill/nap (2 hour sleep routines can be a killer in the office, especially after lunch). Ended up waiting at the end of a relatively short queue for a couple, a middle-aged lady and a bunch of Indo/Filipino-maids (Hey, aren't they supposed to be in camp carrying bags on a weekday night!?!?!).

Well, no big deal, I plugged in my Mp3 and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited for about 20 minutes and the queue was. Just. Stuck. There.

Talk about efficiency for god's sake.

Turned out the Samsung sales-dude, deciding that he was done idling about the shop, came forward to ask if he could assist. Assist he did, by telling me that he was unable to help me get the SIM card as they were just the official distributor shop and I had to go elsewhere, nearest being IMM and Westmall.

Yay. And the damned operator on the phone yesterday said ANY shops.

OK, having wasted 20 minutes of my life standing behind a couple watching the guy scratch his butt every 10 seconds or so, I decided to screw this and head home.

Then suddenly a Halo descended upon me and then there was Light. I felt a warm feeling passing through me and Oh the holy...

Wait wait wait. Wrong scene.

OK, so I decided to be a nice guy thinking: "goddamn must be crap being unable to use your phone and the next time I could get him the card is god knows when". What happened next was I wasted an hour of my life travelling from JP -> Westmall then back to Lakeside just to get a dumb SIM card. For which I had to wait another 20 minutes for.

All just so that I could do something nice.

Sure, Alvin's dad (who collected the SIM card from me) was appreciative and everything, but that wasn't the point.

What for am I being so nice for? Especially when I had to go out of my way and inconvenience myself to do shit for others and not get a single bit of reward in return. Though I didn't do it for a reward, I wonder why I do it? My parents never taught me to do good and be a goody-two-shoes, neither did they teach me to play by the rules, but yet I just do. Why?

I'll probably never understand this part of myself.

Especially when being nice doesn't pay. At. All. Instead, all the assholes and jerks get all the fun and joy while us nice guys clean up after.

I'll admit, I'm jealous. Being a nasty asshole and getting everything your way without having to work for it or care about the consequences is such a great deal. Why not? Fuck the world, live by your rules and let everyone else burn.

And yet.....

Sigh.

Logbook

Yay~! 3 hours left to wake up and prepare to go to work! Here I am wasting time blogging! Lolz!

Just completed my 4th logbook entry for my 7th and 8th week of Internship @ REC Singapore. What a mess. My NTU mentor is going to visit on Tuesday and I have yet to inform my supervisor/mentor in REC.

Yikes. I wonder how she's gonna react when I tell her.. Opps. Craptastic. Didn't help the fact that I had to take MC last friday due to being unable to wake up. No point going to work after that cause:

(A) That means a hefty cab ride of ~$40 to get to work, which essentially covers my entire day's worth of pay, thus pointless in going

(B) By the time I reach office I'm SUPER late. Doesn't matter anyway.

It's just that it's starting to look ugly due to fact that I seem to be taking MC's on Mondays/Fridays often, looking like I'm trying to milk long weekends all the time (its all a coincidence man! Damnit.. =/ Lolz.).

Haizz.

Yet another week of slogging. Been running on 3-4 hours of sleep for my weekdays almost every other day! No wonder my memory's gone to shit since last year December. Haven't been sleeping well at all..

*Except for the nights that I spent at your house*

Zzzz

Weekends = rest.

I need my sleep.. ZZzzZzzz

Bed never felt so good before.

Questions

What happened to you?

What has been happening to you?

Why are you keeping everything to yourself?

Am I that much of a stranger?

Lightspeed

Time flies at the speed of light. Work, reports, people, relationships, sleep.

I wish time would slow down and stop, for me to think for awhile. Perhaps I'm getting old.. For the first time in my life, I feel that my brain isn't working as fast as it should be.

I'm lost. I need to think. I need to slow down everything and think.

No time.

Everything is failing me. My philosophy, my beliefs, my confidence, my future. No longer can I foresee a future. Everything is just the past and the present.. and the ever-growing darkness that is the future. I no longer know what to believe in or think now. My inner-most thoughts that I've kept hidden from the world.. and that disgusting voice that has been never wrong.. are quiet.

I've always been my own guide for as long as I've known to use my head.. but it's decided to shut off on me now.

What can I do now?

What should I be doing now?

What am I supposed to do now?

What are the things I should believe in now?

No answers. And for the first time in my life I'm facing the future..

With fear.

Mirror

That's the kinda person I am.

I reflect whatever's thrown my way.. be it kindness or trouble.

And I return it doubled.

Love

Just for the sake of curiosity and an interest to see how the old ol' textbook defines that which we all know so well and have no idea about.. I hit up Google and came up with this:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/love

I'm speechless. Lolz.

Positive

Since I restarted this blog, it's been nothing but a pit-hole of negativity..

Perhaps it's time to change the tone and talk about the happier stuff.

If there are any to talk about.

Pile of R's

Time.

The events that took place.

The order of the events that took place.

The severity and significance of the events that took place.

Ended up making one hell of a big mess in my life.

I've always told myself to live with no regrets. But yet, this is the biggest lump of crap I've encountered in my life.. making me regret everything, everything, everything.

I'm regretting my decisions, but yet as I do so now, I know that even if I didn't make the choices I did back then, I would regret my decision of NOT MAKING the choices I did now. I regret the chances I didn't take years back. I regret the fact that I took the chances that I did years back.

Oh hell of a pile of regret.

If not for me and my messed up self none of this mess would have to take place. All the hurt and regret and pain. I miss you, my heart aches for you but I cannot tell you this. It is for the best, it is to be fair to you, it is my punishment.

Stupidity is me.