I've come to realize.. that I don't have it. I don't believe. I don't trust. And there is nothing I am confident in. I tried picturing myself in a wedding ceremony (probably due to having received a wedding invitation today), and I came to realize that I can't. I cannot see myself walking down the aisle, simply because.. I don't know who I will be walking with.
That caused me to think about it: Why? How is it that I can fall in love with someone for more than 4 years and yet not have faith? How is it that I can fall for another person and yet still have not faith?
Perhaps what I'll say next will sound really irresponsible, perhaps they're just me making up excuses.
But what I've analyzed and understood is that my viewpoint about love and faith was probably made up by my parents' interaction with each other, which has caused me to understand how it works; becoming my subconscious standard.
They've never displayed affection and love for each other before. The rare few times they did felt abnormal, almost like it was for the rare occasion.
My siblings.. never showed me anything related to faith in their relationships before.. my brothers changed girlfriends like free, one got divorced, the other doesn't seem to give a shit. My younger sister changed boyfriends over and over (because of poor judgement, imho) while my elder sister had unique viewpoints about relationships.
None of them showed me the value of Faith. And hence that's the probable reason why I've never learnt, cause nobody seems to give a damn.
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