Questions

What happened to you?

What has been happening to you?

Why are you keeping everything to yourself?

Am I that much of a stranger?

Lightspeed

Time flies at the speed of light. Work, reports, people, relationships, sleep.

I wish time would slow down and stop, for me to think for awhile. Perhaps I'm getting old.. For the first time in my life, I feel that my brain isn't working as fast as it should be.

I'm lost. I need to think. I need to slow down everything and think.

No time.

Everything is failing me. My philosophy, my beliefs, my confidence, my future. No longer can I foresee a future. Everything is just the past and the present.. and the ever-growing darkness that is the future. I no longer know what to believe in or think now. My inner-most thoughts that I've kept hidden from the world.. and that disgusting voice that has been never wrong.. are quiet.

I've always been my own guide for as long as I've known to use my head.. but it's decided to shut off on me now.

What can I do now?

What should I be doing now?

What am I supposed to do now?

What are the things I should believe in now?

No answers. And for the first time in my life I'm facing the future..

With fear.

Mirror

That's the kinda person I am.

I reflect whatever's thrown my way.. be it kindness or trouble.

And I return it doubled.

Love

Just for the sake of curiosity and an interest to see how the old ol' textbook defines that which we all know so well and have no idea about.. I hit up Google and came up with this:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/love

I'm speechless. Lolz.

Positive

Since I restarted this blog, it's been nothing but a pit-hole of negativity..

Perhaps it's time to change the tone and talk about the happier stuff.

If there are any to talk about.

Pile of R's

Time.

The events that took place.

The order of the events that took place.

The severity and significance of the events that took place.

Ended up making one hell of a big mess in my life.

I've always told myself to live with no regrets. But yet, this is the biggest lump of crap I've encountered in my life.. making me regret everything, everything, everything.

I'm regretting my decisions, but yet as I do so now, I know that even if I didn't make the choices I did back then, I would regret my decision of NOT MAKING the choices I did now. I regret the chances I didn't take years back. I regret the fact that I took the chances that I did years back.

Oh hell of a pile of regret.

If not for me and my messed up self none of this mess would have to take place. All the hurt and regret and pain. I miss you, my heart aches for you but I cannot tell you this. It is for the best, it is to be fair to you, it is my punishment.

Stupidity is me.

Memory

The most random stuff causes me to think.

Here I was thinking that, I should text her just to give her a daily "cheer up!" message.. but was reluctant because I don't want her to be reminded of me daily.. I would do so everyday if I was sure I wouldn't affect her emotions.. but then... haizz.

Then out of the blue I got reminded of ma la hot pot and beef slices in ma la.

Then I remembered cucumbers, served cold with black vinegar, soy sauce and other spices.

So many things constantly reminds me of her. And whenever I do.. this ache in my heart appears and tears start to well..

I miss her. and yet I cannot say.

Cucumbers, winter-melon, hotpot, teppanyaki. And so many other items which I have yet to list.. Everytime I see them, I think of her. Without fail.

She would ask me: "Do you still think of me, do you miss me?"

How can I not, when so many things reminds me of you?

Deceit

Just because I don't do it doesn't mean I didn't think it.

Just because I did it doesn't mean I meant it.

Just because I said it doesn't mean I thought it.

Just because I made it so doesn't mean I want it to be.

Just because I want it doesn't mean it is what my heart yearns for.

Which are lies? Which are truths? One wouldn't know, unless you know.

Until the time when all is revealed, only then shall the truth be known.

Loser

Well. Title pretty much sums up my life. That's what I am. Always on the losing end. Whenever I try to fight for something, I can never get it. By the time I get what I want, it's torn, useless, unappealing. Much as I try to ignore the cold hard facts that point me back to this damned truth time and time again, I think it's only right to face it:

I suck at winning. Very much. Everyone else always gets ahead, everyone else gets prizes. I'm the only one who looks on and claps, sometimes being lucky, getting some hand-me-outs from the winners and leftovers. And that's it for me.

When have I ever gotten my wishes? When have my dreams ever came true? Hence, I gave up on them long ago, wishes and dreams from way back whence. Growing up learning that I'd never be the first, knowing I'd never be the best there is. Wanting, desiring, yearning and thirsting. Always that and never satisfaction. It's been this way for as far as I've known. Much as I could play the blame game and fault everything for the way things are, the bottom-line is that I always knew: I had only myself to depend on.

And that my efforts are worthless. In the same way that the wolf howls for the moon.. so are my efforts in attempting to break free. The endless cycles of attempt and defeat have drained me. How much further must I go? How much longer must I endure? How much more of this must I take? Who is to be my pillar should I fall? Where is my place of respite when I needed one?

Nothing. I have nothing. Not a place to stay, nothing to my name, even my meals require me to calculate their worth before I dare consume it. Even the results I attempted to achieved through efforts are all in vain. Everything is for naught. Four and a half years of effort.. resulted in nothing but heartbreak, tears and a humongous debt.

Restarting anew, thinking that things would be better, resulted in being hurt over and over again, reminded by the fact that I will forever be nothing more than.... a loser.

My heart sits heavy as I keep asking myself what's the point to living. For what? For who? There's no reason to keep trudging down this shit-trodden path. 2012 is coming.. even then.. so what? Even if it was the end of the world.. haha. so what? People got to enjoy themselves. My best buddy is flying around the world for free enjoying himself. What have I got?

Tears, heartache and an empty pocket.

Let the world burn for all I care. I have given up before; it is all too easy to give up again. With my body giving me funny signs and symptoms recently, I just wish that I could just sleep and never wake up again, someday. The serenity of sleep vs. the chaos of awakening. I think the choice is obvious.

The world doesn't need people like me anymore. It needs more of the jerks, assholes and fuck-brains that seems to populate the entire surface of the world. Because these same assholes are the winners. And the world is on their side.

Go on then. Win, and win again. Someday I'll just fade away, and the world will never even notice. For who cares? No one does. And no one will. The only reason they ever pretend to care is simply because of something they want from me. That's it. No one gives a shit.

Haven't felt this depressed in a long long time. Running away from the fact that I'm a loser doesn't help at all; it simply prolonged the process of knowing and accepting the fact.

I give up. I give up. You win, assholes. As you always have.

this is an extremely long post title for the sake of being long as the post itself is stupid and makes no sense.

THIS IS JUST A RANT POST!!! I JUST NEED A PLACE TO RANT!!!!!! GODDAMNED FRUSTRATIONS BUILDING UP EVERYWHERE!!!

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS!??! YES I MADE MISTAKES, YES OTHERS MADE MISTAKES, YES EVERYONE MADE POOR CHOICES WE ALL DID THE SAME THING TO ONE ANOTHER WE HURT EVERYONE AROUND US WE TRIED TO LOVE BUT ENDED UP BEING HURT AND FOR WHAT?! I WANNA STAY WITH V BECAUSE SHE IS DIFFERENT THE FEELING IS JUST DIFFERENT THERE IS NOTHING MUCH ELSE TO SAY SIMPLY BECAUSE THE WAY WE THINK ACT AND BEHAVE IS JUST SO COMPATIBLE WITH EACH OTHER AND PLUS THE FACT THAT SHE IS WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE ME HAPPY. HOWEVER HER ATTITUDE AND BELIEFS ARE MESSED UP! I DON'T WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE BEING WITH A WOMAN WHO DARES NOT COMMIT AND WILL SHY AWAY AT THE FIRST SIGHT OF DANGER! WHAT KINDA COUPLE SPLITS AND RUNS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER WHEN THERE'S SHIT HAPPENING?? HY IS DIFFERENT BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME TRULY FROM THE BOTTOM OF HER HEART BUT SHE DOESN'T TRUST ME AT ALL. ALL THE SHIT WE'VE TRIED TO RESOLVE BUT NEVER DID. ALL THE LIES THAT CAME UP BETWEEN US, AND THE AWKWARD ATMOSPHERE. OMFG... I KEEP TRYING. EVERYONE TOLD ME JUST GIVE IT A SECOND CHANCE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT MAY HAPPEN BUT HEY THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WHAT'S INSIDE.. HY CARES FOR ME VERY MUCH BUT HOWEVER SHE JUST ALWAYS WANNA HELP OUT, SHE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND MY LOVE FOR HER. AND NOT JUST THAT SHE NEVER UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL EITHER!! SHE CAN GET HER GUESSES ABOUT WHAT I'M THINKING GREAT BUT MY FEELINGS ARE ALWAYS CONSTANTLY BEING TRAMPLED BY HER. GODDAMNITALL.

I'M TIRED AND WILL RANT ANOTHER DAY.

Food

Memories of good food.. Yumz.

Mala Hotpot.

Xiang La Crabs.

BOH Tea.

Dumplings (Jiao zi).

Salted Vege and Duck Soup.

Wintermelon Soup.

Simple stir-fried Kang Kong.

Ginger with egg (for coughs).

KS's Aglio Olio Special (beef, pepper and mushrooms)

Chinese Tea.

Teppanyaki.

Black Pepper Crab.

Mantou.

Zi Ran Chao Rou.

So many that I cannot finish listing them here..

I have never stopped thinking about the future.

I've always worked hard towards it.

Telling myself: it's gonna be great.

Yet it is gone. All gone now.

Our stupid mistakes.

Our stupid thoughts.

Our stupid decisions.

Gone.. All gone.. Never to come back again.

A part of me died that night.

Shampoo

Using Pantene anti-dandruff shampoo made me recall the days when I first used it..

I miss those days.