Loser

Well. Title pretty much sums up my life. That's what I am. Always on the losing end. Whenever I try to fight for something, I can never get it. By the time I get what I want, it's torn, useless, unappealing. Much as I try to ignore the cold hard facts that point me back to this damned truth time and time again, I think it's only right to face it:

I suck at winning. Very much. Everyone else always gets ahead, everyone else gets prizes. I'm the only one who looks on and claps, sometimes being lucky, getting some hand-me-outs from the winners and leftovers. And that's it for me.

When have I ever gotten my wishes? When have my dreams ever came true? Hence, I gave up on them long ago, wishes and dreams from way back whence. Growing up learning that I'd never be the first, knowing I'd never be the best there is. Wanting, desiring, yearning and thirsting. Always that and never satisfaction. It's been this way for as far as I've known. Much as I could play the blame game and fault everything for the way things are, the bottom-line is that I always knew: I had only myself to depend on.

And that my efforts are worthless. In the same way that the wolf howls for the moon.. so are my efforts in attempting to break free. The endless cycles of attempt and defeat have drained me. How much further must I go? How much longer must I endure? How much more of this must I take? Who is to be my pillar should I fall? Where is my place of respite when I needed one?

Nothing. I have nothing. Not a place to stay, nothing to my name, even my meals require me to calculate their worth before I dare consume it. Even the results I attempted to achieved through efforts are all in vain. Everything is for naught. Four and a half years of effort.. resulted in nothing but heartbreak, tears and a humongous debt.

Restarting anew, thinking that things would be better, resulted in being hurt over and over again, reminded by the fact that I will forever be nothing more than.... a loser.

My heart sits heavy as I keep asking myself what's the point to living. For what? For who? There's no reason to keep trudging down this shit-trodden path. 2012 is coming.. even then.. so what? Even if it was the end of the world.. haha. so what? People got to enjoy themselves. My best buddy is flying around the world for free enjoying himself. What have I got?

Tears, heartache and an empty pocket.

Let the world burn for all I care. I have given up before; it is all too easy to give up again. With my body giving me funny signs and symptoms recently, I just wish that I could just sleep and never wake up again, someday. The serenity of sleep vs. the chaos of awakening. I think the choice is obvious.

The world doesn't need people like me anymore. It needs more of the jerks, assholes and fuck-brains that seems to populate the entire surface of the world. Because these same assholes are the winners. And the world is on their side.

Go on then. Win, and win again. Someday I'll just fade away, and the world will never even notice. For who cares? No one does. And no one will. The only reason they ever pretend to care is simply because of something they want from me. That's it. No one gives a shit.

Haven't felt this depressed in a long long time. Running away from the fact that I'm a loser doesn't help at all; it simply prolonged the process of knowing and accepting the fact.

I give up. I give up. You win, assholes. As you always have.