Had a shouting match with my dad last night.
As usual, I lost. The same old dad >>>>> son theory, and that I'm either:
1. Mad
2. Argumentative
3. Stupid
4. Play too much games
The list goes on, I refuse to waste my time adding on to a already retarded list.
I guess enough is enough. As always, nothing pleases him, he never listens and everyone but him is wrong.
Sure, have it your way. I guess Burger King would probably be his favourite restaurant. I care not anymore.
All my life, I've done things I'm proud of but refuse to talk about, simply because, I didn't do it for recognition, I did it out of concern, out of respect and out of goodwill.
If my efforts that I put in to make your life slightly easier while making mine sucks is of so little consequences to you, fine.
So be it. I shall live for myself from now onwards.
You dare to make your big claims that you don't care, you don't expect anything, blah blah blah.
Sure, w'll see.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Convocation
=) It's my convocation day! Graduated with my degree and all, minor in business being fine print and shit. hahahaha.
My big bro said to me this: "What next? You've come to the end now. Are you prepared?" I guess he'll never know what came to my mind when he said that. Certainly, he was referring to careers and the end of my student life, but to me, I was thinking what all this studying meant to me.
I wanted to know why I even bothered working so hard and trying so long. I thought about the years of my education; 18 years in total, if you include kindergarten, 16 if not.
16 long years. Discounting the first 6 years of "Do as you're told", and going onto my Secondary education where I disagreed and didn't find the motivation to study, I've completed a decade worth of pointless education, education I didn't believe in.
I wonder why I did it? Sure, I was interested to learn more, and though self-learning was viable, a formal education would instill in me the discipline to actually study, plus it would be worth something, at least. But to think of the real "why?"... I laughed.
I studied because I wanted to prove to the people that doubted me (particularly my father), by dismissing my grades and branding me "useless" back when I received my GCE 'O' Level results. He probably didn't know I swore to myself I'd put him in his place by securing a place in the local universities, then graduate just so that he would eat his own words.
Strangely, as much as it took me 6 long years (with a 2 years gap of slavery to fulfill to my damned country) to achieve that, I didn't feel satisfied that I did it. I didn't even recollect that I made this oath until I started this blog entry. Haha! I guess seeing the changes in him and the current state of affairs kinda made me look beyond my personal agendas.
So what was it that pushed me to keep going when I wanted to give up so many times? I really don't know. I tried attributing it to my silly wish of proving to everyone in my life that gaming has got nothing to do with academical performance or grades, and yeah, to be honest, it came really close.
But no. I can tell it's not. And I still have no idea why then.
My mom made a statement about me: "Hey boy, you don't make many friends huh? I don't see you running about taking pictures with others like that ways others are."
I made bullshit excuses talking about how I was camera-shy, and that I have yet to start taking pictures and told myself inside that I just didn't want to socialize.
But the truth was: she's right. The glaring example she used about my little sister running around taking pictures with almost everyone during her own graduation ceremony did nothing more than to remind me of the cruel realities of choosing to shut myself up. Sure, I may blame the "mask" effect of everyone faking appearances in universities as a convenient way of justifying myself, but I know it isn't true.
In fact, had I wanted to, I could. I knew maybe half the people that were there, but somehow, I just didn't feel like it.
The whole ceremony felt so empty. I felt that everything was pointless. I knew that others than the picture taking I had with my close uni-friends and my family, I would be doing nothing but faking smiles because I simply wasn't happy at all.
It just feels so empty, so pointless, such a waste of time.
I'm seeing people posting about how important today was to them, how today was their most proud moment (I gotta be snide and elitist here, but I gotta laugh. HAHAHA! Earning a degree is your proudest moment?! You certainly have a long way to go in achievements, my dear.)
And yet I beg to differ.
Perhaps its my non-existant commitment or fear of education that has isolated me from feeling any positive feelings towards having it end. Sure, I put in effort during my universities days (else I'd fail!), but then again, they weren't exactly effort that I'd want people to know about. I know my nonchalant attitude towards studying has earned me haters on more than an occasion, and hence I'd just keep mum about how easy it is to not study and still score OK.
I don't really see the reason for making this post today. But well, I guess I just wanted to talk about it. I have no one I can talk to anyway, no one I can pour my sorrows to and just simply talk without fear of repercussions or hurt feelings or the danger of betrayal, so this is probably gonna be my treasure vault of rants and secrets.
How much more until my dreams can come true? Or it is an impossible dream that I'm just foolishly pursuing?
On a brighter note; I took a very special photo with a special person today. =) Thanks. You have no idea the turmoil of emotions you left spinning in my head, but I welcome it. I missed you, silly. To make me wanna laugh and cry at the same time, I guess you're the only one.. haha! =)
My big bro said to me this: "What next? You've come to the end now. Are you prepared?" I guess he'll never know what came to my mind when he said that. Certainly, he was referring to careers and the end of my student life, but to me, I was thinking what all this studying meant to me.
I wanted to know why I even bothered working so hard and trying so long. I thought about the years of my education; 18 years in total, if you include kindergarten, 16 if not.
16 long years. Discounting the first 6 years of "Do as you're told", and going onto my Secondary education where I disagreed and didn't find the motivation to study, I've completed a decade worth of pointless education, education I didn't believe in.
I wonder why I did it? Sure, I was interested to learn more, and though self-learning was viable, a formal education would instill in me the discipline to actually study, plus it would be worth something, at least. But to think of the real "why?"... I laughed.
I studied because I wanted to prove to the people that doubted me (particularly my father), by dismissing my grades and branding me "useless" back when I received my GCE 'O' Level results. He probably didn't know I swore to myself I'd put him in his place by securing a place in the local universities, then graduate just so that he would eat his own words.
Strangely, as much as it took me 6 long years (with a 2 years gap of slavery to fulfill to my damned country) to achieve that, I didn't feel satisfied that I did it. I didn't even recollect that I made this oath until I started this blog entry. Haha! I guess seeing the changes in him and the current state of affairs kinda made me look beyond my personal agendas.
So what was it that pushed me to keep going when I wanted to give up so many times? I really don't know. I tried attributing it to my silly wish of proving to everyone in my life that gaming has got nothing to do with academical performance or grades, and yeah, to be honest, it came really close.
But no. I can tell it's not. And I still have no idea why then.
My mom made a statement about me: "Hey boy, you don't make many friends huh? I don't see you running about taking pictures with others like that ways others are."
I made bullshit excuses talking about how I was camera-shy, and that I have yet to start taking pictures and told myself inside that I just didn't want to socialize.
But the truth was: she's right. The glaring example she used about my little sister running around taking pictures with almost everyone during her own graduation ceremony did nothing more than to remind me of the cruel realities of choosing to shut myself up. Sure, I may blame the "mask" effect of everyone faking appearances in universities as a convenient way of justifying myself, but I know it isn't true.
In fact, had I wanted to, I could. I knew maybe half the people that were there, but somehow, I just didn't feel like it.
The whole ceremony felt so empty. I felt that everything was pointless. I knew that others than the picture taking I had with my close uni-friends and my family, I would be doing nothing but faking smiles because I simply wasn't happy at all.
It just feels so empty, so pointless, such a waste of time.
I'm seeing people posting about how important today was to them, how today was their most proud moment (I gotta be snide and elitist here, but I gotta laugh. HAHAHA! Earning a degree is your proudest moment?! You certainly have a long way to go in achievements, my dear.)
And yet I beg to differ.
Perhaps its my non-existant commitment or fear of education that has isolated me from feeling any positive feelings towards having it end. Sure, I put in effort during my universities days (else I'd fail!), but then again, they weren't exactly effort that I'd want people to know about. I know my nonchalant attitude towards studying has earned me haters on more than an occasion, and hence I'd just keep mum about how easy it is to not study and still score OK.
I don't really see the reason for making this post today. But well, I guess I just wanted to talk about it. I have no one I can talk to anyway, no one I can pour my sorrows to and just simply talk without fear of repercussions or hurt feelings or the danger of betrayal, so this is probably gonna be my treasure vault of rants and secrets.
How much more until my dreams can come true? Or it is an impossible dream that I'm just foolishly pursuing?
On a brighter note; I took a very special photo with a special person today. =) Thanks. You have no idea the turmoil of emotions you left spinning in my head, but I welcome it. I missed you, silly. To make me wanna laugh and cry at the same time, I guess you're the only one.. haha! =)
Friday, July 20, 2012
Empty
Looking at other people's blogs.
Looking at other people's facebook profiles.
Looking at other people's tweeter posts.
Looking at other people's pictures.
I envy.
I always wonder why is it that I do not have such happy and wonderful memories. And I envy.
I thought I could be better after all that has happened. Apparently, I was wrong. Not to say that now is better or worse than before, but certainly, I've yet to reach the place I wanna go.
Feeling so empty. Lacking the motivation to continue. Wanting to end it all.
Why? People tell me "good things come to all who waits". Sure, how come you're all so sure of that? Even so, why do I have to be kept waiting?
Why do I have to look on as others live out their lives of bliss and joy while here I am looking on, green with envy, on the sidewalks?
Why do I have to keep taking over people's hand-me-downs and hand-me-outs?
Why must I keep on waiting and waiting only to despair further as I see my chances diminishing?
Am I so much of a pauper and beggar that I never deserve something new, something pure, something honest and good?
Have I done so much wrong that I do not deserve anything?
If so, fine, so be it my punishment then. But why then, do I see sinners and evil-doers getting the best of everything?
How is it that following my principles and the path of "good" as was instilled in me, a bad choice?
I hate this world.
Looking at other people's facebook profiles.
Looking at other people's tweeter posts.
Looking at other people's pictures.
I envy.
I always wonder why is it that I do not have such happy and wonderful memories. And I envy.
I thought I could be better after all that has happened. Apparently, I was wrong. Not to say that now is better or worse than before, but certainly, I've yet to reach the place I wanna go.
Feeling so empty. Lacking the motivation to continue. Wanting to end it all.
Why? People tell me "good things come to all who waits". Sure, how come you're all so sure of that? Even so, why do I have to be kept waiting?
Why do I have to look on as others live out their lives of bliss and joy while here I am looking on, green with envy, on the sidewalks?
Why do I have to keep taking over people's hand-me-downs and hand-me-outs?
Why must I keep on waiting and waiting only to despair further as I see my chances diminishing?
Am I so much of a pauper and beggar that I never deserve something new, something pure, something honest and good?
Have I done so much wrong that I do not deserve anything?
If so, fine, so be it my punishment then. But why then, do I see sinners and evil-doers getting the best of everything?
How is it that following my principles and the path of "good" as was instilled in me, a bad choice?
I hate this world.
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