Photo

5AM in the morning. I was preparing to take a 2 hour nap prior to my exams approximately 4 hours later.

All of a sudden I had an urge to look @ my phone, and for some unknown reasons why, dug up this picture:

*Photo removed, shouldn't let it be out in the open like this*

Our last photo taken together on 31st Dec 2010.

I miss you. I do. And this post will be dedicated to telling you everything that I feel, nothing but the raw truth.

One of the reasons, however stupid, for me not wanting to settle the HDB issue quickly, is simply because I still have hopes. On the other hand I know deep inside that, this hope is pointless.

We can no longer be together no matter how much either of us work for it. Because our wounds run too deep. Because our differences are too great that they cannot be overcome. Because no matter how hard you try, you will end up hurting yourself, again.

Things could have been very different had you tried to listen to me. Here it is, the truth, plain and simple:

Everything that I have done for you is out of nothing but pure love. But I know myself, I know what kinda person I am, I know what I needed for me to get our relationship to work.

But no, you didn't listen. You kept thinking that you were right. You kept holding back, you kept being afraid. You kept making up excuses over and over and over again.

You denied me my requests time and again. It didn't matter what it was. From simple things of food/drink to stupid stuff like dressing style to couple stuff like quarreling over the stupid phone to serious stuff like sex.

It didn't matter. You were constantly denying, denying, denying.

I had it.

You were my girlfriend. Whatever the fuck is your problem? Would it kill you to do something for me? You claim "Yes I did", well you know what?

Fuck you.

That's only after so much quarreling, so much persuasion, so much time and effort taken to convince you.

The phone is the best and foremost classic example I'll never stop relating to:

We can fight over the stupid scenario of "Why didn't you call me this morning like you do everyday?" FOR THREE FUCKING YEARS.

UNTIL THE DAY I QUARRELED WITH MY DAD SO BAD WE ALMOST BROKE OFF OUR FATHER-SON TIES.

THE VERY SAME DAY I SCREAMED AT YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF AND DIE AND NEVER COME BACK INTO MY LIFE SHOULD YOU EVER FUCKING MENTION ONE MORE TIME "YOU DIDN'T CALL ME".

And wow. And finally!!! Something fucking worked! After THREE long fucking years!

My girlfriend of 3 years, who claims she loves me, had to take that kinda shit from me to leave me to fuck alone for a fucking stupid issue.

Pardon my language. It never fails to piss me off thinking about it.

It never fails to make me feel like a retard, a loser, an idiot whenever I think back of the things I put up with and the things I did for you.

You were always complaining "I don't love you enough", "I need to love you more", blah blah blah.

About the sex, let's be forefront and honest.

You said you wanted it to be post-marriage. Fine. I let you have it your way, despite the way I am a liberal. Despite the fact I yearn for it. Despite the fact I wanted it so bad I could even fathom the idea of visiting a whore.

What a miserable man. No wonder it hurt like a fucking punch to my balls when one of my fellow in-camp soldier taunted me saying: "Aiyah, you were just not good enough to bed her."

I put up with my frustrations, my desires, my pride, my ego, my wants, my needs and my wishes all for you.

And you can say things like: "Hah, you dumped me cause I didn't give you sex."

HELLO? I stayed with you for FOUR AND HALF FUCKING YEARS agreeing to have no sex before marriage? We've slept together countless times sharing the same bed and nothing happened?? Hello???? What the fuck? Are you trying to insult me that I'm fuckingly stupidly retarded or what?

And you can accuse me of seeing you as nothing more than a sexual object?

PLEASE GO SCREW YOURSELF! Go find some other retarded guy that'd wait 4 years for sex then give up! HAH!

All along it was you, you and your fucking security issues that was holding us back! You accuse me of not making you feel secure, you accuse me of not proving my love enough, you accuse, accuse and accuse somemore.

So fine! There came along your parents discussing marriage. Fine! No pressure at all! I can talk about that shit all day and be fine! It was your mom that broke down, not me!

Moving on! You kept insisting on getting a place of our own. I was against it, knowing I had naught the finance means to keep it, but you calculated and planned everything saying that its all gonna be OK.

Seeing how much you wanted this and hearing from you so often again and again how much you wanted a house, a place, a family of your own.

Thinking that buying the place would finally show you that YES, I'm fucking serious about you despite you seeming to not believe it for 4.5 fucking years.

Loving you and wanting the best for you, I made the worse decision in my life.

I went against my gut instincts (as my sister rightly said:) to prove my point.

And now I have nothing but regret.

I regret the fact that buying it changed NOTHING.

I regret the fact that I was stupid enough to think you could see my devotion to you.

I regret the fact that I bought it because I wanted to prove something to you.

All my love, effort and devotion, down the drain right like that.

You still didn't give me sex despite all your repeated promises (which you broke over and over to the point I no longer expected you to hold your promises anyway).

You still doubted me whenever I left your side and went out with friends or whatever.

You still don't trust me when I wanted to spend more time with friends of the opposing gender.

And to think what? I gave up on all my social circles, from Primary to Secondary to Polytechnic friends and to an extent even University friends, ALL FOR YOU?

Nowadays I see people I used to know, used to talk to and I feel awkward because we've drifted apart. We've become Hi-Bye Friends, simply because we no longer talk or hang out as much.

And how did all that happen?

P.S.:

I didn't tell you about your monthly bills to give you shit about your expenditure. I never asked you for a single fucking cent for your bills, despite the fact I'm surviving on bits and pieces of scrap and whatever penny I can save. I told you about the bills so that you KNOW you were over-spending, that's all. As again, you mistook me, thinking me as as miser who was calculative about your bills.

Fuck you.

I cancelled our planned trip to Fullerton for my ORD celebratory dinner because I didn't want to waste money. I had to make savings to prepare for my Uni-days, and since everyone wasn't free as well, I cancelled it. Using it as an excuse not to wear your dinner gown and to ONCE AGAIN DENY ME OF MY REQUEST, is a fucked up excuse. You just can't fucking get it into your head to just try to please me for once.

So, fuck you.

The fact I wanted to hurt you by going to Genting with my friend and deciding not to take you along was to show you how much it fucking hurt to be denied. There you go! You ALWAYS remembered the hurt, yeah? How did it feel bitch? Good? That was just ONE time, by the way. What about me? What about the countless times you hurt me with your denials and rejections?

So, fuck you bitch. Stop bitching, please.

And as again, as I've always said before, wait wait wait wait wait wait.

Whatever the fuck are you waiting for? Your grandson to serve you? You waited and waited and waited while I did and did and did and did. You wanted something? Done. You wanted to go somewhere? Done. You wanted to try something? Done.

You asked me to mop the floor / do some random household chore, I ask you to wait for a few minutes to an hour, you turn the fucking heavens upside down screaming at me saying ITS JUST GAMES GO DO IT BLAH BLAH BLAH!

I waited for YEARS for you to fucking get into your fucking head that "YES. PHONES ARE TWO WAY DEVICES! YOU WANNA HEAR MY VOICE, DIAL MY NUMBER! WHY THE FUCK MUST I CALL YOU AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING A BIG FUSS OUTTA SHIT?!"

COMPARISON? Wait, I haven't even talked about the sex issue yet, but hey, I think its enough shame here.

So again, FUCK YOU.

*I can't believe how I can go from sobbing and bawling and crying like an idiot to becoming angry and fuming mad typing this post.*

Reminiscence

Found some awesome music while browsing youtube. Do listen!

Enjoy! (Damn I'm screwed for my papers tomorrow)

In the End

Once I thought I was happy.

But deep in my heart I knew the truth.

I tried to fix things.

I tried to make it true.

I tried to ignore the pain.

In the end I failed.

Unexpectedly, when I thought it would never be,

I saw yet again, a chance for me to be happy.

For awhile, I was.

For awhile, I believed.

For awhile, I dreamed.

In the end I woke.

The pain remained, the hurt came to stay,

And for awhile I gave up.

It was so pointless.

It was so disappointing.

It was so disheartening.

In the end I cried.

Thinking back the days long gone,

I wish people would be true.

Why wait until things fell apart?

Why wait until things turned ugly

Why wait until everything was lost?

In the end I snapped.

Looking back I realized,

That everything was for naught.

Everything was lost.

Nothing but bitterness remained.

No one was happy, no one was glad.

In the end, The End.

Happiness

我要的幸福在哪里?

一次又一次的失望，

一次又一次的欺骗。

就算能让时间倒流，

我要的幸福会来吗?

Gift

Although I've always loved receiving gifts (especially because I never ask for them, or even asking people not to buy me any), I've always denied it.

I got a gift today.

It's simple, like always.

A plain white T-shirt, with a cartoon character on it.

It brought a smile to my face.. And tears.

Thank you. I always loved them.

Scream

No. The title is not talking about the horrendously stupid slash-flick.

I need to scream.

I need to punch something.

I need to vent, to pour everything out.

I need an outlet for my frustrations.

I need something in my life to deflate my rising anger before I pop.

Goddamnit. Graduation's too fucking faraway.

I need cash. Damnit.

Cash to do whatever the fuck I want.

Cash to get the fuck outta here.

Money. The root of all evils and the source of all my troubles.

Damn you.

Crush(ed)

11/11/11. A special day, destined to come only once a century. Unless a time machine is invented or by some said miracles, I'll never see another 11/11/11 in my life.

But I'll try. ;)

After an extremely long day which I spent almost 24 hours outdoors, I returned home with a sleep-deprivated brain early the next day morning.

As I waited for my hair to dry, I went through my usual routine of my daily web-surfing: emails, manga, fuuu-comics, news, facebook. Through my sleep-fumbled eyes I spotted a facebook story from one of my long-lost (contact) friend, something about marriages.

"Heck", I thought, "Just another marriage among the dozens on this special day. Will take a look tomorrow if I remember".

I woke up the next day feeling extremely tired, having no more than 4 hours' worth of sleep. The benefactor of my awake-ness? My brother. Doing everything from using the hairdryer, to playing videos/games/music at the loudest volume, right under my bed (I sleep on a double-deck bed, topside).

Thanks.

He knew I only managed to sleep @ 7 in the morning when he woke up and had to wait for his turn for the washroom (I was bathing then). Oh well, whatever. Sleep doesn't matter.

So yeah, skipping the redundant details, I was there sitting in front of my laptop preparing to start my e-lectures, and while playing it in the background, I opened my web browser and for some reason decided to check facebook first.

There it was, the facebook story that I saw last night.

It was from my childhood crush, announcing that her boyfriend (whom I view as someone who stole her from me, lolz! kidding. =P) of more than 8-years proposing to her in a ultra-super romantic way with a heck-load of preparations that money can't buy.

Boy, was that diamond huge. I guess having rich (or at least well-to-do) parents serves to help alot in the romance aspect eh?

Ok, enough with the sour grapes.

Truly, reading on the flow of how he prepared for grand question and the subsequent execution of the proposal was indeed amazing. If it could move my stone-cold heart, I don't see how it wouldn't move a girl's.

That was when it struck me.

Here I was, reading up on other people's big happy moment when all manner of emotions struck me ALL at once:

Nostalgia, Jealousy, Happiness, Envy, Skepticism, Excitement, Wonder, Disbelief. I could probably go on and try to make a list of the emotions I felt but, hey, I think 8's good enough.

Wow. The spiraling feeling of emotional flood literally knocked me back and took my breath away. I sat back, slouching on the couch where I was using my computer, and my mind went blank for awhile. Then I snapped back.

I realized that amongst all the feelings I was experiencing, one of them in particular stood out among the rest. Partially because it was both the first emotion I felt, and also one that kept grewing until it outshouted the rest. When I identified the feeling, the shock of knowing what I was truly feeling washed it away in the next instance.

It was Sorrow.

Thanks to the shock, the tears which threatened to flood my eyes dissipated.. and never flowed out. I guess I am thankful for that, else I'd be going "WTF?!" about me crying out a crush of more than 10 years ago (wow that's like more than half my life haha!).

But as I thought about the reasons why I was feeling so, I had to attend to other matters so I never really had the chance to sit down and think about why I was feeling so sad. Deep in my heart, I know that it has something to do with the recent events in my life, and not the fact that she was my crush (Haha, yeah. Having to get over that was a painful experience that was barely remembered now.. ^.^).

This exercise in my subconscious self running out of control served nothing more than to help me identify the fact that I didn't really understand myself that well afterall. I finally understand why I kept thinking about stuff that should have been pointless, or things that was troublesome, with feelings of fond longing and desire.

I guess my wounds ran deeper than I had originally thought.

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Sigh. 2 hours ago I was dying to fall asleep, 2 hours later I'm totally awake, typing this. I guess my mental health is on quite the steady decline. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I'll just go bat-shit crazy and forget everything and be peaceful within.

Maybe.

Nightmare

I dreamt that you appeared in my dreams out of nowhere.

The next moment, you fell. You were supposed to be walking along a flight of stairs.. but instead you jumped onto the railing and fell..

I caught you, and you were surprisingly light. I spent no effort holding onto you.. but couldn't pull you up.

So shocking the experience was, that I jerked awake before I ever knew if I succeeded, gaining consciousness almost immediately. The chills and shivers that followed didn't help.

Never have I felt like that before.

Is that a premonition of things to come? I've experienced enough "Deja vu" flashbacks to know that sometimes, my dreams come true. Or at least, the only familiarity I could associate such experiences with can only come from my dreams.

I hope that it stays untrue.

Ownership

Looking back at some of the posts I've made, it's kinda hard for me to believe that it was me who typed all of that out.

It's like they're my thoughts, my words, but a different style and feeling, every time I view them.

It looks like my multiples are beginning to manifest themselves.

Interesting.

November

Buzz buzz buzz.. buzz buzz buzz.. The words, images and memories in my head.. speculative and doubtful, suspicious and bewildered.

I settled quite a few things today.

It's November 10th. Had 2 CA papers on the 8th and 9th, and hence was mugging at J's for the past 3d/2n. I'm finally home after so long, and yeah, nothing's changed, a good thing.

Tomorrow's the only day I'm "free". (Or rather, today, seeing the time is 2.30 AM)

Friday, the 11th of November 2011 (yay for 11/11/11!) is the day my sister is getting married. God bless her. =) (Yes I'm not a Christian, but still..)

Busy week indeed. Although I'm looking forward to her wedding, a part of me feels apprehensive. Weddings and Marriages have taken a whole different meaning to me.. or rather, a loss of meaning to me. I do not wish to go into details here, so simply put: the two women in my life whom I loved so dear have caused me so much pain that I just simply.. no longer wish to consider marriage.

Nevermind. That topic is a post for another day.

It's been a year since things really start going to shit. Thinking back then.. everything was so hazy. Yes, I do not deny that I could have done a better job at handling my life and my relationship. My actions were rushed, reckless.. and ruthless. I still remember how I felt so stupid when I was asked: "Why didn't you bother giving it one last try?"

While I admit that I had given lots of chances before.. It did seem that at the VERY end.. things were looking up. True, in my defense, I had been disappointed and let down many times when I felt things were looking up. But still.. the question of "what if?" remains..

Haha. One should never ask "what if?" when all else has already happened.. moving on.

I've discovered, after several consecutive years of it happening over and over, that November is a very interesting month for me.

It is a month of change, of revelations for me. Every single year since 2004.

-------------------------------------

I've done my part and have accomplished what I've set out to do (or at least, part of it). I told her that all I've been doing is to set her on the right path. After a year of never-ending chaos.. We've reached this final point. From now on, it is for her to take on her new path.

I told her that we're through and its final. It's not the first time I've told her. And boy. Every method I've used thus far has proven ineffective. Verbal, Mental, Physical, Emotional. I've played all my cards and she's still persistently stubborn in believing that we have a chance.

Not even telling her straight to her face that I'll cheat on her could deflect her. Her devotion is commendable.. had we met in different circumstances and had a different scenario laid out before us, things could be very different.

But as my sister says: "Everything happens for a reason."

I kinda agree, cause I believe in Fate. It's just that I have a slightly different point of view with regards to that, that cannot be easily translated into words. To put it simply:

"Things happen for a reason, but the reason is not always applicable to the current situation. It takes a much bigger picture to see why things happened the way they did.. In a sense similar to what Steve Jobs mentioned before: connecting the dots. Yet, all I will say to him is this: Bullshit. See the dots before you connect them, iDiot."

I have a final trump card to play, but it seems that now is not the time to play it yet.. and that it is not fully functional anyway. My gut feelings are back, and I'm back to predicting what will happen next.. with that eerie feeling that I know I'm right.

I'm being forewarned of an upcoming crossroad up ahead, giving me a chance to decide. To decide if I wish to stay on the Light-side that I'm still hanging onto.. Or to give in and join the Dark-side.

Time will tell. I just pray for my final semester to come and go quickly, for the storm approaches.

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Three nights ago, I was extremely troubled. I kept looking at my watch, at my phone, at my computer's clock. It was 11.59PM.. and then the clock struck 12 Midnight.

Also immediately, I started to press in the sequence on my phone that'd result in a call to a voice that I'd been so accustomed to listening to.

I stopped. And I put down the phone. Thinking.

Before I knew it, 3 minutes went by. 5 minutes, then 10 minutes.

I kept debating on what to do. Should I call? Should I SMS? I even thought of personally travelling down in person to deliver a gift.. But I felt that she wouldn't want it. And I didn't want to upset her any further than I already have.

Life sucks when you wanna do something so bad but didn't, knowing that you'd make others feel bad when the intention is to cause others to feel good.

I hesitated.. And ended up sending a carefully worded and somewhat long SMS.

The reply was a simple: "Thank you".

I didn't even know how I should reply, or if I should even attempt to reply. It's an ambiguous message to me saying: "I'm upset and don't wanna hear this", and "Thanks for the wishes, really, I'm just tired".

Which one was it ?

This year was so different. Haha. Every year I'd make sure I made it somewhat special, and to make it a point to spend the day/night with her. (With the exception of the last time, last year, of course.)

This year was spent in apprehension. Not knowing whether or not my thoughts and actions were right. Not knowing if doing so will be appreciated.. or that by doing so I'd be causing more hurt.

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I've tried. I know I've tried. As the Chinese saying goes: 人在做，天在看。

I know I've done my best. I have nothing to be regretful or guilty about. I just wish that things could be kept simpler, but looks like no. Fate wants to screw around with me, and it seems ready to do more of whatever it's been doing to me recently.

My mind is no longer working. 3d/2n of little sleep and mugging for 2 papers is draining on the brain power.. and causes sleep deprivation.

As I looked at some of my younger friends' photos on Facebook.. I realize that my views of the world has taken a 180 degree turn..

Where I used to think of all the nasty stuff and thought: "Nah, things aren't that bad."

I now think of all the good stuff and thought: "Hah, you wish it was true".

I've lost my faith in the world.

I don't even know what I'm looking forward to anymore.

A future where I can live life out and experience everything I wanted to?

Or for the world to end as predicted, in 2012?

Burden

"Sometimes, people chose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they stay."

So many thoughts buzzing in my head.. but none of them suitable or capable of transmitting my thoughts and ideals into this post.

They're either lackluster or they're half-truths, which would simply cause misunderstandings. Perhaps it is a better choice to keep my thoughts to myself. Afterall, I'm pretty sure I know what's right and what's wrong, in my head at least.

Yes, I've seen that there was a chance for things to be made right again.
Yes, I've tried and know that if I wanted to, I can make things go back again.
Yes, I've noticed the sacrifices made and the pain endured.
Yes, I know that I am the one who will decide what happens next.
Yes, I am willing to still put in effort to make everything better for the future.

But no.

I've seen and identified a vicious cycle:

Mistrust, Accusation, Indignation, Deceit, Regret, Denial.

And it'll just start all over again. And each time the magnitude of the problem will just simply continue to grow and become worse. It doesn't matter if it'll take days, weeks, months. It will happen. Because I understand myself. Because I understand you.

I've already been unfair. It's time to stop this and cut this here. This is for the best. This isn't about me being willing to change and hence will make the change happen.

This is about me being me, and the fact that I cannot change the very being that I am.

The best that I can do is to simply ensure that the cycle of mistrust and deceit does not continue to grow.

And the only way to do that... is extremely painful.

I await my judgement.

Voices

Ok. I need to find a way to talk to the dudes in my head. And fast.

The way they're wrestling control back and forth is beginning to get out of hand. I don't wish to become someone with bipolar issues. Goddamnit.

Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!

Take your turn bitches!!! Don't come out when you're not needed!