Crush(ed)

11/11/11. A special day, destined to come only once a century. Unless a time machine is invented or by some said miracles, I'll never see another 11/11/11 in my life.

But I'll try. ;)

After an extremely long day which I spent almost 24 hours outdoors, I returned home with a sleep-deprivated brain early the next day morning.

As I waited for my hair to dry, I went through my usual routine of my daily web-surfing: emails, manga, fuuu-comics, news, facebook. Through my sleep-fumbled eyes I spotted a facebook story from one of my long-lost (contact) friend, something about marriages.

"Heck", I thought, "Just another marriage among the dozens on this special day. Will take a look tomorrow if I remember".

I woke up the next day feeling extremely tired, having no more than 4 hours' worth of sleep. The benefactor of my awake-ness? My brother. Doing everything from using the hairdryer, to playing videos/games/music at the loudest volume, right under my bed (I sleep on a double-deck bed, topside).

Thanks.

He knew I only managed to sleep @ 7 in the morning when he woke up and had to wait for his turn for the washroom (I was bathing then). Oh well, whatever. Sleep doesn't matter.

So yeah, skipping the redundant details, I was there sitting in front of my laptop preparing to start my e-lectures, and while playing it in the background, I opened my web browser and for some reason decided to check facebook first.

There it was, the facebook story that I saw last night.

It was from my childhood crush, announcing that her boyfriend (whom I view as someone who stole her from me, lolz! kidding. =P) of more than 8-years proposing to her in a ultra-super romantic way with a heck-load of preparations that money can't buy.

Boy, was that diamond huge. I guess having rich (or at least well-to-do) parents serves to help alot in the romance aspect eh?

Ok, enough with the sour grapes.

Truly, reading on the flow of how he prepared for grand question and the subsequent execution of the proposal was indeed amazing. If it could move my stone-cold heart, I don't see how it wouldn't move a girl's.

That was when it struck me.

Here I was, reading up on other people's big happy moment when all manner of emotions struck me ALL at once:

Nostalgia, Jealousy, Happiness, Envy, Skepticism, Excitement, Wonder, Disbelief. I could probably go on and try to make a list of the emotions I felt but, hey, I think 8's good enough.

Wow. The spiraling feeling of emotional flood literally knocked me back and took my breath away. I sat back, slouching on the couch where I was using my computer, and my mind went blank for awhile. Then I snapped back.

I realized that amongst all the feelings I was experiencing, one of them in particular stood out among the rest. Partially because it was both the first emotion I felt, and also one that kept grewing until it outshouted the rest. When I identified the feeling, the shock of knowing what I was truly feeling washed it away in the next instance.

It was Sorrow.

Thanks to the shock, the tears which threatened to flood my eyes dissipated.. and never flowed out. I guess I am thankful for that, else I'd be going "WTF?!" about me crying out a crush of more than 10 years ago (wow that's like more than half my life haha!).

But as I thought about the reasons why I was feeling so, I had to attend to other matters so I never really had the chance to sit down and think about why I was feeling so sad. Deep in my heart, I know that it has something to do with the recent events in my life, and not the fact that she was my crush (Haha, yeah. Having to get over that was a painful experience that was barely remembered now.. ^.^).

This exercise in my subconscious self running out of control served nothing more than to help me identify the fact that I didn't really understand myself that well afterall. I finally understand why I kept thinking about stuff that should have been pointless, or things that was troublesome, with feelings of fond longing and desire.

I guess my wounds ran deeper than I had originally thought.

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Sigh. 2 hours ago I was dying to fall asleep, 2 hours later I'm totally awake, typing this. I guess my mental health is on quite the steady decline. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I'll just go bat-shit crazy and forget everything and be peaceful within.

Maybe.