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5AM in the morning. I was preparing to take a 2 hour nap prior to my exams approximately 4 hours later.

All of a sudden I had an urge to look @ my phone, and for some unknown reasons why, dug up this picture:

*Photo removed, shouldn't let it be out in the open like this*

Our last photo taken together on 31st Dec 2010.

I miss you. I do. And this post will be dedicated to telling you everything that I feel, nothing but the raw truth.

One of the reasons, however stupid, for me not wanting to settle the HDB issue quickly, is simply because I still have hopes. On the other hand I know deep inside that, this hope is pointless.

We can no longer be together no matter how much either of us work for it. Because our wounds run too deep. Because our differences are too great that they cannot be overcome. Because no matter how hard you try, you will end up hurting yourself, again.

Things could have been very different had you tried to listen to me. Here it is, the truth, plain and simple:

Everything that I have done for you is out of nothing but pure love. But I know myself, I know what kinda person I am, I know what I needed for me to get our relationship to work.

But no, you didn't listen. You kept thinking that you were right. You kept holding back, you kept being afraid. You kept making up excuses over and over and over again.

You denied me my requests time and again. It didn't matter what it was. From simple things of food/drink to stupid stuff like dressing style to couple stuff like quarreling over the stupid phone to serious stuff like sex.

It didn't matter. You were constantly denying, denying, denying.

I had it.

You were my girlfriend. Whatever the fuck is your problem? Would it kill you to do something for me? You claim "Yes I did", well you know what?

Fuck you.

That's only after so much quarreling, so much persuasion, so much time and effort taken to convince you.

The phone is the best and foremost classic example I'll never stop relating to:

We can fight over the stupid scenario of "Why didn't you call me this morning like you do everyday?" FOR THREE FUCKING YEARS.

UNTIL THE DAY I QUARRELED WITH MY DAD SO BAD WE ALMOST BROKE OFF OUR FATHER-SON TIES.

THE VERY SAME DAY I SCREAMED AT YOU TO GO FUCK YOURSELF AND DIE AND NEVER COME BACK INTO MY LIFE SHOULD YOU EVER FUCKING MENTION ONE MORE TIME "YOU DIDN'T CALL ME".

And wow. And finally!!! Something fucking worked! After THREE long fucking years!

My girlfriend of 3 years, who claims she loves me, had to take that kinda shit from me to leave me to fuck alone for a fucking stupid issue.

Pardon my language. It never fails to piss me off thinking about it.

It never fails to make me feel like a retard, a loser, an idiot whenever I think back of the things I put up with and the things I did for you.

You were always complaining "I don't love you enough", "I need to love you more", blah blah blah.

About the sex, let's be forefront and honest.

You said you wanted it to be post-marriage. Fine. I let you have it your way, despite the way I am a liberal. Despite the fact I yearn for it. Despite the fact I wanted it so bad I could even fathom the idea of visiting a whore.

What a miserable man. No wonder it hurt like a fucking punch to my balls when one of my fellow in-camp soldier taunted me saying: "Aiyah, you were just not good enough to bed her."

I put up with my frustrations, my desires, my pride, my ego, my wants, my needs and my wishes all for you.

And you can say things like: "Hah, you dumped me cause I didn't give you sex."

HELLO? I stayed with you for FOUR AND HALF FUCKING YEARS agreeing to have no sex before marriage? We've slept together countless times sharing the same bed and nothing happened?? Hello???? What the fuck? Are you trying to insult me that I'm fuckingly stupidly retarded or what?

And you can accuse me of seeing you as nothing more than a sexual object?

PLEASE GO SCREW YOURSELF! Go find some other retarded guy that'd wait 4 years for sex then give up! HAH!

All along it was you, you and your fucking security issues that was holding us back! You accuse me of not making you feel secure, you accuse me of not proving my love enough, you accuse, accuse and accuse somemore.

So fine! There came along your parents discussing marriage. Fine! No pressure at all! I can talk about that shit all day and be fine! It was your mom that broke down, not me!

Moving on! You kept insisting on getting a place of our own. I was against it, knowing I had naught the finance means to keep it, but you calculated and planned everything saying that its all gonna be OK.

Seeing how much you wanted this and hearing from you so often again and again how much you wanted a house, a place, a family of your own.

Thinking that buying the place would finally show you that YES, I'm fucking serious about you despite you seeming to not believe it for 4.5 fucking years.

Loving you and wanting the best for you, I made the worse decision in my life.

I went against my gut instincts (as my sister rightly said:) to prove my point.

And now I have nothing but regret.

I regret the fact that buying it changed NOTHING.

I regret the fact that I was stupid enough to think you could see my devotion to you.

I regret the fact that I bought it because I wanted to prove something to you.

All my love, effort and devotion, down the drain right like that.

You still didn't give me sex despite all your repeated promises (which you broke over and over to the point I no longer expected you to hold your promises anyway).

You still doubted me whenever I left your side and went out with friends or whatever.

You still don't trust me when I wanted to spend more time with friends of the opposing gender.

And to think what? I gave up on all my social circles, from Primary to Secondary to Polytechnic friends and to an extent even University friends, ALL FOR YOU?

Nowadays I see people I used to know, used to talk to and I feel awkward because we've drifted apart. We've become Hi-Bye Friends, simply because we no longer talk or hang out as much.

And how did all that happen?

P.S.:

I didn't tell you about your monthly bills to give you shit about your expenditure. I never asked you for a single fucking cent for your bills, despite the fact I'm surviving on bits and pieces of scrap and whatever penny I can save. I told you about the bills so that you KNOW you were over-spending, that's all. As again, you mistook me, thinking me as as miser who was calculative about your bills.

Fuck you.

I cancelled our planned trip to Fullerton for my ORD celebratory dinner because I didn't want to waste money. I had to make savings to prepare for my Uni-days, and since everyone wasn't free as well, I cancelled it. Using it as an excuse not to wear your dinner gown and to ONCE AGAIN DENY ME OF MY REQUEST, is a fucked up excuse. You just can't fucking get it into your head to just try to please me for once.

So, fuck you.

The fact I wanted to hurt you by going to Genting with my friend and deciding not to take you along was to show you how much it fucking hurt to be denied. There you go! You ALWAYS remembered the hurt, yeah? How did it feel bitch? Good? That was just ONE time, by the way. What about me? What about the countless times you hurt me with your denials and rejections?

So, fuck you bitch. Stop bitching, please.

And as again, as I've always said before, wait wait wait wait wait wait.

Whatever the fuck are you waiting for? Your grandson to serve you? You waited and waited and waited while I did and did and did and did. You wanted something? Done. You wanted to go somewhere? Done. You wanted to try something? Done.

You asked me to mop the floor / do some random household chore, I ask you to wait for a few minutes to an hour, you turn the fucking heavens upside down screaming at me saying ITS JUST GAMES GO DO IT BLAH BLAH BLAH!

I waited for YEARS for you to fucking get into your fucking head that "YES. PHONES ARE TWO WAY DEVICES! YOU WANNA HEAR MY VOICE, DIAL MY NUMBER! WHY THE FUCK MUST I CALL YOU AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING A BIG FUSS OUTTA SHIT?!"

COMPARISON? Wait, I haven't even talked about the sex issue yet, but hey, I think its enough shame here.

So again, FUCK YOU.

*I can't believe how I can go from sobbing and bawling and crying like an idiot to becoming angry and fuming mad typing this post.*