Purity

I never liked cars. Or at least, I don't take notice of them, not the way most guys (and some girls) do.

It's the same for night-life, i.e. clubs, pubs, etc.

Or alcohol, drinks, games-you-play-while-tipsy.

Hence I've always been neutral about them.

Sure, it sounds fun to get into a dark place with smoky ambiance and dazzling lights, getting tipsy and high and grooving to music (sometimes, noise).

Or better still, pubs, with their live bands, great music, fragrant bites and drinks to chill with your buddies/friends/colleagues.

And the common thing about both? Alcohol. Oh yeah. The poison that Allah himself forbid his worshipers to touch. What better to drink by the gallon?

And to round it all up? The cool cars, the deep rumble of their monstrous engines and their oh-so-sleek designs. Or their alternatives, the large and spacious family cars or the quiet purr of luxury cars.

... That was last year.

Now? I hate them. I hate them with a vengeance. They're now a constant reminder of what I've lost. Every time I see them, my fucked up brain starts spinning at the speed of light.

What starts as a casual glance to check out the car model cruising alongside the bus/cab I'm taking turns into an imaginary reenactment of the very act that I had always held pristine in my head, now disgusting.

A simple quote, mention or discussion of alcohol would trigger flashbacks of drunken visions, heated passion and the blur of neon signs.

Articles pertaining to crimes of passion or night-life related news would get me thinking of the very real example, right there, in my life.

They're tainted. They're all now tainted. What was potentially cool and fun to me is now labelled as disgusting and grotesque. Places I've never even been to, things I've never done, stuff I've never owned.. now ruined.

I hate them. I hate them all.

Don't tell me that it didn't happen to me.
Don't tell me to forget it all and move on.
Don't tell me that I'm not the direct victim.

It's screwed up. It's all screwed up.

I told her myself: One day, I will betray you. I can almost guarantee you it will happen.
She calmly replied: I know. And I know when it happens, I deserve it.

And it is this part of me that is so willing to betray the ones closest to me that I am wary of. It is one of the biggest reasons why I am staying away. I don't wish to hurt anyone anymore.

...I've tried.

I've really tried to ignore the facts and forge on ahead. But I cannot.
How am I supposed to ignore the buzzing in my head that switches on every time I see a car?
How am I supposed to suppress the fire in my heart when I think about alcohol?
How am i supposed to chase away the indignity in my head whenever I think about night-life?

I cannot accept it. I just can't. If it was a past-lover or a potential partner I might be able to convince myself otherwise. This is not.

This is pure and simple: adultery.

And she wasn't even 21.


Why do I get the feeling that she isn't completely honest with me?
Why do I feel that she is still hiding things from me?
Why is it that despite what I'm feeling, I trust her?