Home

Someone once said to me:

"Do you even understand how it feels like to have a home but be unable to return to it?"

"Do you know how bad it feels to be homesick but not being able to do a damn thing about it?"

"How could you understand how I feel when you have a home to return to anytime you want?"

Yes, I've been through this before, but I guess, with recent events, I'd like to print my thoughts down on paper (or e-paper, since this is a blog).

My reply was simple:

"What makes you think I have a home? Just because it's a place, full of people I call 'family' doesn't makes it a 'home'. You're the one who doesn't understand, simply because you're homesick and have an awesome home/family. You don't have to deal with the shit I have to deal with, you don't experience the kinda feelings I get when I return home to a place where I don't belong, you don't understand how out of place it's like when you go 'home' and have no place of your own. You just don't."

My message, still stands.

From today onwards, I'm not gonna be home whenever I can. The only times I'll be home is when my sister/brother is out and I can make use of their room to shut myself in (Keyword here: THEIR ROOM). Staying in the open/living room was apparently a bad idea; why the fuck would I wanna stay in the common area and leave my stuff in the open for everyone to see when I'm a freakin' personal person?

Reason simply being: I wanted to have interactions with the family!

Guess what? Fuck this shit. My actions, thoughts and efforts are misunderstood and unappreciated? Sure. Fuck all these then. For fuck am I doing all these shit for? I prefer to shut myself off and be alone. Perfect! Trying to be different for my family is unwanted? Sure. Most honored and happy to change back to what I want.

So dad, You want your "peaceful" home? You have it. Take it. I'm the chaotic element; I'll leave.

Though the irony at how your disrupt your own peace due to your own screwed up mind set never fails to amaze me.

Just think about it: When you have 6 kids, 5 of them leaving the house for their own lives and wanting less to do with the house? You go figure what's wrong.

Since your last kid wanted to make a difference, but instead everything turned to shit? Sure, who am I to argue or fight against the tides for? I'll use your own words: "Change: When the wind changes, turn your sails to match it".

I'll do that. I'll join my brothers and sisters and leave. I feel better that way.

Thanks indeed.

As for you, the one who thinks I'm so lucky to have a home to return to? You'll never understand. Yes, I don't have to deal with broken family, etc, whatever. But hah! How's this any different from a broken family?

Whatever. Just a few more months to graduation and I'm getting the fuck out. Freedom to do whatever I want.