Wavering

I wanna scream.

I just wanna scream my head off and let out this built-up tension buried deep within my chest.

I hate myself for being so right about all the wrong stuff.. I really do. What I would give to have my predictions turn out wrong.. But they never do.

I promised to give an answer before 2011 hits.

Right now, it's the 30th of December, 2010, 4.00 AM.

And I know she's noticed this and has been dropping me hints this evening. I don't know if I should ask or not. When I made my promise to her, it was before my exams, and before the confession. (Darkness post) I was pretty sure of my choice back then, but all that changed after she told me what she had done.

Yes, it is history.

Yes, it is over.

Yes, it cannot be undone.

But I would be lying to myself if I said it didn't matter, or that it didn't affect me. The fact that I talked about this many times with her, and that I think about it often, is enough to tell me that I care.

And that the topic hurts like a bitch everytime I get reminded.

Yes, it doesn't matter to someone who has done the same.

Yes, it doesn't matter to someone who has more "experience".

But as HY said, I'm someone who's been clean and clear with my life. This isn't something I can take so easily.

My head is spinning with choices.. and the hurt it would cause when I make them.

Less than 48 hours left to the new year.. And here I am still wavering in my stand.

I need answers, and I need them fast. I need to be sure.

Today and tomorrow will decide everything.