Apprehension

It has been more than a month since the "Shattering" occurred.

And today is the day I will be finalizing everything and let the dust settle once and for all.

Yet.. A nagging corner of my mind is telling me not to let go, to go back and try again. It hates the insecurity its currently experiencing, and wants to go back to the worry-free and stable days of the past, where everything was guaranteed to be new.

Yet.. It is also impossible, for the amount of hurt generated by such a move would probably be great enough to make her go over the edge, likely resulting in unpleasant consequences.

Hence the reason for my apprehension. I do not know what HY will say when she sees me later. I do not know if she is prepared for what I have to tell her. I do not know how much she has changed over the past couple of weeks, for I know very well she has not been eating well.

And should she still insist that there's still hope for us.. and is willing to forgive and forget everything.. My determination will waver.

For I know I still want her.

For I know parts of me still prefer her.

Most importantly.. she is just like a blank piece of paper. The other.. is a paper that has been scribbled and drawn and repainted several times. The rare few white spots that exists are so insignificant that they are almost unrecognizable. It's not even possible to simply repaint the paper to white then redraw. I gotta make do with what I have.. and it sucks, to be honest.

It feels so unfair. Why am I always required to put in so much effort just to get something of little returns? Not to mention the fact that I have to acknowledge the fact that what I got is something that has its value depreciated already.

Haiz.