Partially due to my good bro's advice that, one shouldn't wait. Do it fast, do it decisively. Do it before shit happens and the good stuff you wanted to create by waiting becomes wasted. He hit me hard when he said the very words that makes up the foundation of my principles:
"Put yourself in her shoes, how would you like it if you were treated this way?"
Thanks to him, I got reminded that I had strayed from my principles. And so I took his advice.
Of which I'm glad, I believe.
Having to wait anymore was a torture for all of us involved in this situation. Everyday that went by was a nasty one. None of us was sure what would happen. Hence, this decision is for the best.
I'm sorry though. This is a messed up decision that should have been made 2 years ago when my buddy from the army first talked to me about it. I shouldn't have waited, as he has told me. "Don't do it because you want to help, it will only serve to make things worse."
Today her parents called me and reminded me of the various issues which has haunted me for the past 2 years. Adding the matter of the house was just another weight to an over-bursting baggage. It didn't make a difference, but hearing them on the phone was heart-breaking.
Such is human relationships. Whatever action you take, you hurt someone. And when you hurt someone, you usually go on to hurt more than one person. I've never intended to hurt anyone before. Messed up decisions and indecisiveness has bought about today.
Never again. Never again will I want to hurt anyone like this ever again.
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Looking at her blog, reviewing her entries from months/years before.. I know my decision is correct. Indeed, she was right in saying that, I started changing after we got the house. Reflecting on that, I realized that, it was just me rebelling against my choice of forcing myself to do something I did not want to. Not only that, my choice did not even benefit myself.
I had taken on and put up with so many things and been taken for granted. So much that this was the ultimatum, of which I had hoped would salvage the situation and turn it around in my favor, allowing me to stay in this relationship easier.
It didn't happen. In fact, if anything, she became more possessive and attention-seeking, while I still did not get what I want, and in fact, lost more of my freedom. I never noticed this, probably due to pressure from her parents, as well as being busy with various things in life: work, school, and a small part, family.
Now, with the aftermath of the bomb that went off on Saturday, 20th November 2010, things would never be the same again. The price I have to pay for is humongous. Way too humongous for me to handle. But there is no choice but to pay for it.
For the alternative is to return to the shackles and the gallows.
Which I will never do so again, having obtained the freedom I've wanted back for so long. 4 years and 5 months. Its a mistake that's taken 4 years and 5 months to correct.
I now look to the future, weary. For the burdens have just increased, and there is nothing I can do about it except to take it in my stride and continue moving onwards, until I can release them slowly when I am able to.
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Both her and her parents told me: "I will regret my decision." While I certainly do not dispute the fact that their daughter would make an excellent wife, I have rarely regretted my decisions. Being happy with someone I would like to be with is so much better than being unhappy with someone that would be ideal.
The irony of it all was when they both said the same thing: "You are too young. You do not treasure what you have now. Once you realized that you have lost it, then only will you know that it is precious. "
Indeed.
But unfortunately I have thought about this long and hard before. And hence I know my decision to be right.
The one who has lost it knowing that something precious was lost is not me.
It's her.
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