Farewell 2012

It's the end of 2012. A year of events, major life milestones, and friendships.
Every time I look back, every year feels shittier than the one before.
Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps I'm just grouching. Perhaps it's all true and I just forget the shit that happens.

Now, I feel at peace. For the longest time ever in my life, peace.
Doesn't mean that my problems are solved or gone. It's just then I've found my inner peace.
Come what may. I think I've decided already. There is no point in struggling when it results in nothing.

I'll just live by the lifehack I've found. I'm gonna refuse to work for what I want from now on.
Fate, it seems, enjoys making a slapstick comedy outta me. Hence I shall let it have its fun.
From now on, I'm gonna enjoy life as it is. No point trying to work for what I want when it gets denied constantly. To add insult to the injury, things which I don't wish for, comes easily to me.

Which makes others jealous, which makes them puzzle why do I continue to grouch despite all that I have.

Well, no one understands me. And I guess this will be the way it shall be till I'm nailed into my wooden bed. Seeing how December 21th was a hoax (not necessarily, but at least the world didn't end immediately), I guess I'm gonna have to start looking forward to a lifetime's worth of shit to endure.

Take care folks. This blog will become quite the hellhole for negativity. I hope there comes a day when I will let this blog lie obsolete while I channel my energy in starting a new one, using my grievances and suffering as inspiration and energy for the works which I've always wanted to begin and complete.

Good-bye 2012. I hope that from the next year on, everything changes.

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To anyone who stumbles across this blog or follows it.. and knows the author, I just wish to say this:

Please take the contents of this blog with a pinch of salt. Or heapfuls of it.

This blog is meant to be the darkest recesses of my soul, to contain the rage and sorrows that would otherwise come to bear on those I love. Already I am failing, without this, I dare not face the people in my life. Please don't take everything at face value and think badly of me. =) If you do, truly, you are a fool.

And once again, please do not assume to think that my posts are direct copies of my experiences. I've coloured them and rewrote them in ways that only I will understand. To assume and think that all I've written here is the truth is to be a fool.

Take care in 2013! =)


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Fragile

I'm back to where I was, a decade ago.

It's ironic. Everything is exactly the same. Boatload of problems, financial difficulties, fucked up friends, heartbroken, and a shitty relation with my dad.

Only difference is probably that I look better and am old now. Haha.

It took me years to recover. Hell, I can't even remember if I ever truly recovered. The events from ten years ago changed me, and made me who I am. Will this round of events serve to do the same?

I don't know.

I'm emotionally fragile right now. I've not felt this way in such a long time. Friendship has made me weak. The slightest prick right now will shatter me, just as it did before, so many years before.

Please. Anything but those days. Willpower kept me going, but I was younger, and I had the energy.

Now? I'm just a drained old man. I have hardly the mental sustenance to keep me going as I once did when u was young. The things that came into my life and held me up are tearing apart under the pressure.

How long more must I endure this? How much more bitterness and inequality must you let me suffer and witness before you will let me go? Until I breathe my last?

Is it not enough that you gave me knowledge and repeated lessons that all that I know is useless? That I'm condemned to live out my life as a useless individual destined never to accomplish anything? So much so that you must continually place stark reminders and temptations in my way to cause me more suffering? Why don't you just simply cut me open and salt me, since I'm nothing but an ulcer to you?

No, you're not God, for you're fucked up. But you sure as hell is a sonofabitch. Thanks.

Temper

I'm so pissed off tonight. Why? I don't understand.

I know I feel frustrated. By what?

To the Moon

To the Moon. Watch the trailer.

 
To the Moon - Trailer - Indie DB


To the Moon is an Indie game developed by Freebird Games, an RPG/adventure game about two doctors traversing backwards through a dying man's memories, in order to fulfill his last wish of going to the moon.

Introduction

Dr. Rosalene and Dr. Watts have rather peculiar jobs: They give people another chance to live, all in their head. But due to the severity of the operation, the new life becomes the last thing the patients remember before drawing their last breath.

This story follows their attempt to fulfill the dream of an elderly man, Johnny. With each step back in time, a new fragment of Johnny's past is revealed. As the two doctors piece together the puzzled events that spanned a life time, they seek to find out just why the frail old man chose his dying wish to be what it is.

And Johnny's last wish is, of course... to go to the moon.



Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_the_Moon_(video_game) :


Story

The premise of "To The Moon" is based around a technology that allows the construction of artificial permanent memories. Sigmund Corp., a company that uses this technology, offers the notion of "wish fulfillment" as a service to people on their death bed. Since these artificial memories are permanent, it sharply conflicts with the patient's real memories soon after the person awakens, which is why it is only done on those without much longer to live.

The story follows Dr. Eva Rosalene and Dr. Neil Watts—employed by Sigmund Corp.—as they fulfill the lifelong dream of the dying Johnny Wyles. Johnny's wish is simple: he wants to go to the moon; however he doesn't know why. To accomplish this task, the doctors must insert themselves into an interactive compilation of his memories and traverse backwards through his life via mementos. With each leap to an important moment in his mind, they learn more about the patient and what brought him to his current position in life. Upon reaching his childhood, the doctors attempt to insert his desire to go to the moon. The intention is that once the desire is implanted, Johnny's mind will create memories of a new life based on that desire, and he'll die believing he lived without any regrets.

But not everything goes as planned. The two doctors find themselves with a heavy mystery concerning Johnny's desire, his past, and his deceased wife, River. With the clock ticking, Dr. Rosalene and Dr. Watts must unravel Johnny's complicated past and do whatever it takes to send him to the moon.

Ending

It is finally revealed that Johnny and River had met as children at a carnival, and promised to "find each other on the rabbit's tummy" (the moon in a constellation they made up while stargazing together) if they ever got separated. Shortly after, Johnny's twin brother Joey is killed in an accident. Johnny's mother gives him beta-blockers to induce memory loss of the tragic event - with the side effect that he forgets River. While he later meets, romances, and marries her; she thinks he doesn't really love her because he forgot their first encounter, and, due to her condition (hinted to be a form of Autism or Aspergers, but never clearly stated) is unable to deal fully with the stress. This eventually leads, indirectly, to her death, and Johnny is left with lingering guilt and an unexplainable desire to go to the moon (the rabbit's tummy).

Rosalene and Watts eventually succeed at implanting a memory sequence that leads to John and River working together at NASA (though not romantically involved). As a comatose real life Johnny begins to die, he imagines going on a moon mission with River. During the stressful launch procedure, River holds out a hand to him. The moon appears in the background through a window on the ship, and he takes her hand as his heart monitor flatlines.

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I don't know why but this game just caught me by surprise and left me watching it in quiet contemplation. A simple game, and in the end, a sad, sad story about the love between a couple.

I don't know why but it resonates strongly within me.

I'm tired. I'll go to bed now.

Soul

What is the value and worth of your soul?

What would you trade it for?

What would make you give it up for?

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Time flies. Before I knew it, it's October. And my last update was late August, about a month and more.

I didn't even think about my blog anymore. Hence the reason for not updating it until now. Perhaps I've been too busy to think about blogging; perhaps I've had outlets for me to vent, or am just simply too tired to remember to blog.

Certainly, the month of August/September was rather tiring. I was assigned to shift-rotation for that period of time, and had to work 12 hours a day. Including the time spent on travelling, I spent easily 15 hours outside the house, and thus whatever little time I had left, was redundant (eating, sleeping, you know, human needs).

The off days that I got in exchange was spent doing things for others/myself, and the first day of every off period was half-spent on sleeping; there was never enough sleep to get around on those days that required me to go to work. I simply cannot get enough sleep during my workdays as I'm not someone who can go to work, go home and sleep, and wait for off-days to have some "me" time.

Therefore, the only alternative was to cut out time wherever I could, and that meant sleep deprivation.

The months took its toll on my body; I knew I had to cut out my habit and get in more sleep-time, else I would start to breakdown literally, and get sick. Thankfully, my shift-rotation days are over, and today marked the first day I officially stayed back at the office for OT without pay.

Thankless job.

Somethings to be happy about: Mists of Pandaria has been released, and it certainly is one hell of an expansion. The developers really put in their hearts and soul into it. It's beautiful in every way possible: your eyes and ears are overwhelmed by the asian-theme artwork and the re-mix of the orchestra, rock and chinese style music is simply awesome.

Words cannot describe it. One must experience it to understand it.

Other thankful stuff: I've finally gotten my life into some form of routine and schedule, and hence can better plan for my life. The important friends whom I've always wanted to get back into contact with has been done, and now I can be selective on what I wanna do.

Even more so, I'm now financially-free to do whatever I want. Although that term isn't used correctly, at least I get to spend MY money however I want and whenever I want without having to worry about where my next meal is coming from. The added bonus of being able to satisfy my WANTS for once is just icing on the cake.

I finally bought my own piece of Razer hardware for myself. A Naga Hex. Certainly, I'm not a Razer fan, but getting a really good mouse has been something I've always looked forward to.

Simple things in life. =)

I'm greedy, no doubt, just like everyone else. I've got my wish list too!

I want a new laptop, new watches, new clothes, new shoes (I FINALLY threw away 2 pairs of 6-year old shoes.. HAHA! Who wears shoes for 6 years? =X).

I want new gadgets, new phone, new earpieces, a place of my own, my car, or a bike.

I want to be able to get my own kitchen, to cook on my own, to have my own storage, to have a place where I am King.

I want my own room where I can FINALLY fulfill my wish of creating a bookshelf and stocking it with my favorite collection of novels and manga.

I want to create a play-room where its full of nothing but games of all sorts, board games, card games, computer games, console games, you name it.

I wanna go overseas with my friends to see the world, or lacking that, to enjoy the sights, smells, and sounds of beach-side resorts, basking in the sun, cooling waters and hot babes in bikinis all around.

I wanna have my turn at being the alpha male. Enough with loyalty. It is worth NOTHING. My faith died along with my heart and soul after all these years of betrayal and being taken granted for.

I have so many wants. And this is just my first step to getting it done.

My soul has been torn, tattered, and crushed into pieces. If this is the way life wants me to be, why should I be otherwise? Sincerity, passion and love has done nothing for me.

As it wishes to be, so it shall be.

I will have what I want. And nothing shall stop me.