Nightmare

I dreamt that you appeared in my dreams out of nowhere.

The next moment, you fell. You were supposed to be walking along a flight of stairs.. but instead you jumped onto the railing and fell..

I caught you, and you were surprisingly light. I spent no effort holding onto you.. but couldn't pull you up.

So shocking the experience was, that I jerked awake before I ever knew if I succeeded, gaining consciousness almost immediately. The chills and shivers that followed didn't help.

Never have I felt like that before.

Is that a premonition of things to come? I've experienced enough "Deja vu" flashbacks to know that sometimes, my dreams come true. Or at least, the only familiarity I could associate such experiences with can only come from my dreams.

I hope that it stays untrue.

Ownership

Looking back at some of the posts I've made, it's kinda hard for me to believe that it was me who typed all of that out.

It's like they're my thoughts, my words, but a different style and feeling, every time I view them.

It looks like my multiples are beginning to manifest themselves.

Interesting.

November

Buzz buzz buzz.. buzz buzz buzz.. The words, images and memories in my head.. speculative and doubtful, suspicious and bewildered.

I settled quite a few things today.

It's November 10th. Had 2 CA papers on the 8th and 9th, and hence was mugging at J's for the past 3d/2n. I'm finally home after so long, and yeah, nothing's changed, a good thing.

Tomorrow's the only day I'm "free". (Or rather, today, seeing the time is 2.30 AM)

Friday, the 11th of November 2011 (yay for 11/11/11!) is the day my sister is getting married. God bless her. =) (Yes I'm not a Christian, but still..)

Busy week indeed. Although I'm looking forward to her wedding, a part of me feels apprehensive. Weddings and Marriages have taken a whole different meaning to me.. or rather, a loss of meaning to me. I do not wish to go into details here, so simply put: the two women in my life whom I loved so dear have caused me so much pain that I just simply.. no longer wish to consider marriage.

Nevermind. That topic is a post for another day.

It's been a year since things really start going to shit. Thinking back then.. everything was so hazy. Yes, I do not deny that I could have done a better job at handling my life and my relationship. My actions were rushed, reckless.. and ruthless. I still remember how I felt so stupid when I was asked: "Why didn't you bother giving it one last try?"

While I admit that I had given lots of chances before.. It did seem that at the VERY end.. things were looking up. True, in my defense, I had been disappointed and let down many times when I felt things were looking up. But still.. the question of "what if?" remains..

Haha. One should never ask "what if?" when all else has already happened.. moving on.

I've discovered, after several consecutive years of it happening over and over, that November is a very interesting month for me.

It is a month of change, of revelations for me. Every single year since 2004.

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I've done my part and have accomplished what I've set out to do (or at least, part of it). I told her that all I've been doing is to set her on the right path. After a year of never-ending chaos.. We've reached this final point. From now on, it is for her to take on her new path.

I told her that we're through and its final. It's not the first time I've told her. And boy. Every method I've used thus far has proven ineffective. Verbal, Mental, Physical, Emotional. I've played all my cards and she's still persistently stubborn in believing that we have a chance.

Not even telling her straight to her face that I'll cheat on her could deflect her. Her devotion is commendable.. had we met in different circumstances and had a different scenario laid out before us, things could be very different.

But as my sister says: "Everything happens for a reason."

I kinda agree, cause I believe in Fate. It's just that I have a slightly different point of view with regards to that, that cannot be easily translated into words. To put it simply:

"Things happen for a reason, but the reason is not always applicable to the current situation. It takes a much bigger picture to see why things happened the way they did.. In a sense similar to what Steve Jobs mentioned before: connecting the dots. Yet, all I will say to him is this: Bullshit. See the dots before you connect them, iDiot."

I have a final trump card to play, but it seems that now is not the time to play it yet.. and that it is not fully functional anyway. My gut feelings are back, and I'm back to predicting what will happen next.. with that eerie feeling that I know I'm right.

I'm being forewarned of an upcoming crossroad up ahead, giving me a chance to decide. To decide if I wish to stay on the Light-side that I'm still hanging onto.. Or to give in and join the Dark-side.

Time will tell. I just pray for my final semester to come and go quickly, for the storm approaches.

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Three nights ago, I was extremely troubled. I kept looking at my watch, at my phone, at my computer's clock. It was 11.59PM.. and then the clock struck 12 Midnight.

Also immediately, I started to press in the sequence on my phone that'd result in a call to a voice that I'd been so accustomed to listening to.

I stopped. And I put down the phone. Thinking.

Before I knew it, 3 minutes went by. 5 minutes, then 10 minutes.

I kept debating on what to do. Should I call? Should I SMS? I even thought of personally travelling down in person to deliver a gift.. But I felt that she wouldn't want it. And I didn't want to upset her any further than I already have.

Life sucks when you wanna do something so bad but didn't, knowing that you'd make others feel bad when the intention is to cause others to feel good.

I hesitated.. And ended up sending a carefully worded and somewhat long SMS.

The reply was a simple: "Thank you".

I didn't even know how I should reply, or if I should even attempt to reply. It's an ambiguous message to me saying: "I'm upset and don't wanna hear this", and "Thanks for the wishes, really, I'm just tired".

Which one was it ?

This year was so different. Haha. Every year I'd make sure I made it somewhat special, and to make it a point to spend the day/night with her. (With the exception of the last time, last year, of course.)

This year was spent in apprehension. Not knowing whether or not my thoughts and actions were right. Not knowing if doing so will be appreciated.. or that by doing so I'd be causing more hurt.

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I've tried. I know I've tried. As the Chinese saying goes: 人在做，天在看。

I know I've done my best. I have nothing to be regretful or guilty about. I just wish that things could be kept simpler, but looks like no. Fate wants to screw around with me, and it seems ready to do more of whatever it's been doing to me recently.

My mind is no longer working. 3d/2n of little sleep and mugging for 2 papers is draining on the brain power.. and causes sleep deprivation.

As I looked at some of my younger friends' photos on Facebook.. I realize that my views of the world has taken a 180 degree turn..

Where I used to think of all the nasty stuff and thought: "Nah, things aren't that bad."

I now think of all the good stuff and thought: "Hah, you wish it was true".

I've lost my faith in the world.

I don't even know what I'm looking forward to anymore.

A future where I can live life out and experience everything I wanted to?

Or for the world to end as predicted, in 2012?

Burden

"Sometimes, people chose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they stay."

So many thoughts buzzing in my head.. but none of them suitable or capable of transmitting my thoughts and ideals into this post.

They're either lackluster or they're half-truths, which would simply cause misunderstandings. Perhaps it is a better choice to keep my thoughts to myself. Afterall, I'm pretty sure I know what's right and what's wrong, in my head at least.

Yes, I've seen that there was a chance for things to be made right again.
Yes, I've tried and know that if I wanted to, I can make things go back again.
Yes, I've noticed the sacrifices made and the pain endured.
Yes, I know that I am the one who will decide what happens next.
Yes, I am willing to still put in effort to make everything better for the future.

But no.

I've seen and identified a vicious cycle:

Mistrust, Accusation, Indignation, Deceit, Regret, Denial.

And it'll just start all over again. And each time the magnitude of the problem will just simply continue to grow and become worse. It doesn't matter if it'll take days, weeks, months. It will happen. Because I understand myself. Because I understand you.

I've already been unfair. It's time to stop this and cut this here. This is for the best. This isn't about me being willing to change and hence will make the change happen.

This is about me being me, and the fact that I cannot change the very being that I am.

The best that I can do is to simply ensure that the cycle of mistrust and deceit does not continue to grow.

And the only way to do that... is extremely painful.

I await my judgement.

Voices

Ok. I need to find a way to talk to the dudes in my head. And fast.

The way they're wrestling control back and forth is beginning to get out of hand. I don't wish to become someone with bipolar issues. Goddamnit.

Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!

Take your turn bitches!!! Don't come out when you're not needed!